I am catching up on the boards and saw this post.

Just my thoughts: I agree that seeing the OC in a hidden way would not be good for OC. I have tried to tell that to my H and OW, but neither listen. I think it is cruel and unfeeling and also very narcissistic of both to believe that anytime with a MM father is worth it to the OC. I have no intention of welcoming the OC into my family or my life-and what is that saying to him because of that?

Secondly, I see MOm of five discussing whether the MM who wants contact with OC will resent the BS if the BS cannot accept visitation or will not stay in marriage if visits continue. Many people have said such a statement before. I ask all of you who feel that way-and I understand it-just what do you think the BS do when they accept visitation not openly and with open arms but with resentment and hostility to save the marriage? THe BS has to accept the existence of the OC whether or not visitation occurs. I live with resentment every day of tha child's existence, and yes, I resent my H and the OW for his birth. If I am to do that to stay in marriage, and deal with huge CS payments, lies, deceit, over many years, a second life my H had with OW, and many many resentments, why cannot H deal with his effects of selfish act of A and OC to save a marriage? Why does his resentment take precedence?

I know my marriage is in trouble because my H did something very wrong and created a separate life from me without discussing it with me or involving me. That is a huge mistake to all marriages. I had many opportunities early in our marriages to cheat-propositioned often by men I worked closely with and in an intimate way-but I never pursued any, even those I could feel attraction, because hurting him was beyond my realm of possibility.

the fact he hurt me in this way hurts even more.

There is no one answer for anyone, but I think lemon pie and her H , as all of us, need to understand that the OC becomes the issue for both partners in the marriage-not just the H who created the child. IF they cannot come to some agreement, so be it.

Steve Harley has said one cannot know how one will feel years from now. ONe must decide to try and stay in marriage based on what is happening now. Lemonpie cannot promise visitation will be welcome by her in time, just like I cannot promise that. If her h cannot accept the unknown of that, perhaps he is not the man she needs in her life.

And heavenly, I wish my H would read your post of what your OC was saying when she realized she wasn't going to see your H's home and family. It is hurtful to the child, is it not?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Secondly, I see MOm of five discussing whether the MM who wants contact with OC will resent the BS if the BS cannot accept visitation or will not stay in marriage if visits continue. Many people have said such a statement before. I ask all of you who feel that way-and I understand it-just what do you think the BS do when they accept visitation not openly and with open arms but with resentment and hostility to save the marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ARE RIGHT UNHAPPY WIFE
I would guess this is a decision both parties in the marriage will have to decide based on what is best for them. I had the same dilema as well just different circumstances. You can only do what is best for you.

I read this thread and truely my heart bleeds for all sides. Mostly though I hurt for the children of this messiness.

I am the child of married parents. Mom was BS. Dad was WS. My dad left my mom for his OW and OC. My sister and I did the alternating weekend shuffle for about 10 years until dad dropped of the picture. Wife #3 didn't like kids.

So i've lived this from all sides. Dad in the house, weekend dad, absentee dad. I'll say this, as a young girl the pain of having an absentee dad probably rivals the pain of being BS. It's unspeakable. Only as a little girl I had neither the language or experience to deal with the feelings.

At the end of the day my sincerest prayer is that ALL of the adults involved get their act together. Certainly that's easier said than done, but it's work worth doing.

Parents of OC need to make sure that there are 2 (or more) sane stable adult figures in the house or within close proximity.

I think MM need to make a reasonalbe decision as soon as possible. Be there or be gone, but be consistent.

God bless BS's. My mother wore her BS-hood like a badge. Or maybe shield is a better description. The divorce was final in 1971. To a large degree her BS-hood still defines her. It's sad. Everyone else has forgotten. The OC is 31. OW is the grandmother of 2 (she was a teenager when this all began). It's 30 years later and my mother still proclaims "I was the innocent party..." MAybe she was, but innocent or not it has been 30 years of her locked in her own private hell with that proud proclaimation.

All of that to say - more than anybody I hope that BS's find some way to heal and carry on. Cause it seems that isolation in rightness is a tough row to hoe.