<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

I hope seeing your therapist helped you somewhat today.

I remember having a new dday every year.. so I do know what the set back feels like, Many times I didnt want to go on or didnt think that I could.
and while things in our lives did not turn till I ended up finally having an an A my self, I can say things in our lives are so much better now and I do feel we will make it through this.Not that this was right.

I am sorry he betrayed your heart and feelings and sorry That you opened your heart up to have this happen again.

I am sure I dont have many comforting words to say, But I dont want you to give up, if you love your husband and while you and he will have to make a new plan.
I know you said Your mother was ill, is there a way you can leave and go see her, maybe giving her comfort int his time will comfort you.
I od feel you cant keep this a secret forever, amybe you need more support in this besides just your therapist, If he had some consequences for his actions, then maybe he would think twice before he does these things. I am just guessing, But I hate to see any one alone when they are hurting so much. And to have the added worry over your mother is just not fair.

God only gives us what we can handle I believe that with all my heart. AND while it isnt much consolation now, In time you will see it is true.

Will keep praying for you,

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Tina, I am glad you are going to see therapist. I think you need lots of support, and your H is not giving it to you.

I know when I learned H had been lying about visits to see OC, it felt like an affair all over again, complete with a secret life against my wishes. I empathize with your feelings now as well. Your H didn't think you were healing fast enough for him-so like a man, who wants to wash away the damage he has done, twice and more to you. I think he is probably very ashamed at what he has done, and wants to be rid of it.But to betray you again is almost unforgivable.

What does he expect from you now that he has done this again? make forgiving easier? Is he willing to do what you need him to do so you can heal?

Perhaps you need to have him do what STeve Harley recomments-have H tell you what weaknesses he has that caused A to happen, and then detail what he thinks you feel based on what he has done. you sit and listen, then fill in blanks when or if he leaves anything out. I think you need to know he really gets what he has done to you, it doesn't seem like he knows t hat.

I still think counseling with Steve would be a good id ea.What do you think of that? how are you today now that you saw therapist? What did therapist say?

Well....one small thing hit me when I was catching up on your thread...

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley?

Somewhere in there he wrote about the "bubble" of the affair, that after the two "beloveds" get together, they find out that it ain't all what it's cracked up to be. All of a sudden, the reality of New "old" problems resurfaces...and time that was carved out just for themselves disaapears....it could happen....

If you still love your H, plan B may be the way to go...this book had a case in it when the WW moved in with OM and it didn't last 6 months...the Bubble popped and the fog lifted...

I'm not trying to get your hopes up...it's just something that hit me while i was reading your thread.

I pray for you and send hugs your way,
Twiisty

It always what it's cracked up to be, I guess is what I'm saying...*sigh*...I feel for you...do I make sense?

Dear Tina

I am so saddened by these new revelations you are experiencing, I just don't know what to say or can add anything more to what all these wonderful people have offered.

All I can say, what you are going through is so awful that I agree with Twiisty that Plan B might be an option, to preserve what is left of your feelings for your husband.

I was wondering why I was staying away from your thread and realized it is because you are going through something everyone here dreads and fears might happen to them. When I realized I was being chicken, I was deeply ashamed of myself for withholding comfort to you just because I didn't want to acknowledge that something like this can happen at all to any of us. I guess it isn't 'chicken', it's ostrich.

When you said that this D-Day is just as hard as the first one, it flashed me back to my D-Day and how the wind was knocked out of me and how I went to a church during the week and sat there alone sobbing and praying, feeling such despair. The journey from there until now was such a long and difficult one that I can't stand that you are forced to go through something like this twice. It is just so horrible.

But, Tina, there's got to be a pony in there somewhere. I know that something wonderful has to come from something so incredibly painful and devastating eventually. I know God has not and will not abandon you even if it feels as though He has...He hasn't. There is something better for you in store for you. I just know it. You'll have to go through the process and find your own center before things will begin to change for you. You will have to make some decisions and take some painful steps you would rather not take just to find some solutions to these issues. Let God guide you through this and just know you are loved and cared for here and everyone wants you to find peace and happiness again someday.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Tina. I am so sorry.

Love

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina,

I feel so bad. I am so sorry about these second horrible revelations. I especially feel bad because I am always encouraging adaptation, flexibility and forgiveness. I feel a little guilty for being off the mark.

If it helps, I will pray for you.

MJ

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina, I am so glad you posted. I have been wondering how you are.

Again, I wonder if not plan B is in order, or some modification of the above. It seems as if H thinks he can have his cake of OW and the respectability in eyes of public and your kids in terms of his marriage with you. He gets all he wants-and wonders if this means healing starts all over again. How dense can he be?

I would seriously consider plan B, but I know that is not a decision to take lightly or make. It would be hard to do.Can you ask him to move out for a while to see how it feels for both of you ?IF he did that,would that make you wonder he was seeing OW more? Is he still working with OW? If so, I think he has to stop that.

Let me know what you think of all this.

I am here for you.

tina
Was wondering how you were holding up. And to tell you , I was thinking about you.
Hope things are quieted down for you and that you have been able to talk with husband.
Will keep praying.

<small>[ July 17, 2002, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina
I personally feel because he has not had to confront any of these issues with the rest of his family he will not ever truly accept what he has done and sees no consequences.. yes he has told you, but the rest of the world he has not had to admit to..
while it is very hard.. I did not want to tell every one, and it was a very hard thing to do.. to tell my children and my family...
OM did not want to tell his family.. after all we are known by many people this was not easy..
But to be fair, how is he doing those children any good by keeping them a secret.. He is making them ashamed of themselves and they did nothing wrong and shouldnt have to pay the price,
They are very lucky to have you in their life to accept them and show such love by keeping the relationship open even when you are hurting so badly. Your husband and this woman should be grateful you are still trying and helping with those children.
You are truly amazing

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">list of compromises on how to go on with the marriage</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tina what compromises must you make?

The very thought makes me shudder.

You have nothing to compromise, dear Tina.

Nothing.

As far as I can see plan b is in order.

He made grave mistakes. By keeping him "home" while he continued to play! UGH!

It is up to him now to let you have a say in your peace of mind, Tina.

What the heck? OK... I had a family with you Tina and NOW I want you to endure my "other two kids through my betrayal to you and our family and our marriage."

When pigs fly!!!!

Tina you have compromised enough. Dear Lord....another man may be waiting in the wings after you trow da bum out....or not....just tread carefully as you owe these oc's nothing.

They came while he was your husband Tina.

Period.

They made a mess.

You needn't clean it up.

Your kids will understand you. They will be there for you. I'll bet not for H.

So will your family.

Whatever you decide is between you , your H and you God.

peace be with you and an outpouring of love from your friend.

These men who expect forgiveness AND acceptance are too much.

Bless you and your adult c's.

God help ow and the oc's. God will provide...

love
Debi

Tina
I was thinking about you this morning.. wondering how you are doing ?

Have you and H decided to attend more counseling ?

I am sure many are wondering how you are, let us know.

<small>[ August 05, 2002, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</small>

Tina--

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorry you have to go through this. If nothing else, though, by stating your feelings honestly and without yelling, you are making your needs very clear. And, if they are not met, you can be more honest with yourself about your ultimate decision to separate.

It's hard to leave if you feel like you haven't tried your best, and if anyone has tried her best it's you! I have great faith in the "aha" moment, and I know that your path will become clear as long as you keep doin what you're doin!

Hang in there!
EJ

I truly see your dilema and I know you dont want to give up on 27 years.. and I dont think you should.. but I do believe in time you will know where the marriage ends and you begin if that is the route you choose to take.. and one day I guess you might wake up and say enough is enough or I am glad I stayed, but what ever you decide, you will know you gave it your all..... and deserve a tremendous amount of respect and love for that.

Tina

I wouldnt worry about bringing negative feelings to the board if it helps you cope.

I dont think any one would blame you for that.
Did your husband say he wouldnt talk to this woman again and are you in a plan A!? How is that going ? If you need to scream, just holler no one would blame you for being angry..

<small>[ July 26, 2002, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Tina....

I was thinking of you today and sending you hugs and prayers....keep us posted on what's up with you, ok? We are here for you.

(((((((((TINA)))))))))))))

Twiisty