The more I think about this situation of yours, the more I wonder if your husband is one of those "cakemen" that we hear about. A man that likes living a double life and having two women. Too bad he ain't Mormon...
Anyway, K's idea about counseling with Steve Harley is something to seriously consider, especially if it is results you want. From what I understand, Steve Harley can really reach WS's and do so in a non-threatening way. He won't piss off your husband. this limbo state you are in is not serving you. It is not making your life better or enhancing your self-esteem. The longer you remain in this holding pattern, the weaker you'll become.
I spoke to a friend the other day about investing in a relationship and that sometimes the investment, years and history, seems too great to abandon the marriage even though we know it is a toxic relationship. And Mom of Five is absolutely right about allowing your husband feel the full force of his own consequences for his behavior. There is no need to change anything in his mind as long as you are a willing accomplice to shield him from embarrassment and scrutiny.
I understand very well your need for privacy and to avoid the quelling humiliation of public ridicule...I truly understand this as I keep this information from my children and most family members and most friends. But, at this point, with the resumption of the affair, I believe I would be at the point where it would be obvious to everyone, especially myself, that this just makes my husband look like a complete [censored] and it has nothing to do with me. In fact, my embarrassment would stem from staying with someone who would deliberately put me through the worst possible thing that can happen in a marriage-TWICE.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. This affair #1, #2, #3 or whatever the record he is going for, has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his incredible lack of self esteem and obvious cowardice. He doesn't want anyone to know because he knows it will make him look like a reptile and people will no longer look at him with respect or in the same way. And yet he burdens you with this horrendous "secret" for him to save face at your expense. For some reason, some deep seeded reason, you are willing to go along with this and it could be age and stage, or it could be a question of options for you, fear of being alone, fear of the future, fear of total abandonment.....never mind you have been emotionally abandoned for a very long time...and then you have to consider the message this situation is sending to your children.
Tina, it is like banging your head against a brick wall and wondering why you have a headache...when you stop doing this and get some relief from the pain, you will say, "oh, yeah...that's why I had a headache...I was banging my head".
I have to admit that a big part of me would like to just beat the snot out of your husband for doing this to you and then torturing you further by prolonging this situation and giving you little bits of hope to hang onto and then mercilessly jerking the hope back.
Look, you and I are the same age and I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason why you are tolerating this stuff is fear based. Or you could be seeing your marraige, your husband and your life as "yours" and have this proprietary thing going on like I do. Whatever the reason, now is the time to examine exactly what it is that is keeping you from enjoying the rest of your life. Are you afraid of the finality of it all if you make a move? Are you worried, "what will I do? what will become of me?" How much of this is that you are deeply in love with your husband and how much of it is that you just want to keep what is yours? At this stage can you honestly say you still love your husband? Or is resentment overshadowing the love you once had?
It would have been soooo much easier on us if we were widows...if they die on us when the marriage is good and there has been no infidelity, we mourn and grieve at their passing, but are left with warm and loving memories, their memory is held in high esteem...someone to be proud of, someone respected by us and others and we are left intact. Our self esteem ahs not diminished, we feel that they died loving us, we can go forward with confidence and joy for having had this time together but when they do something like this to us, we are forever changed. We are damaged. And because this is happening to you again, he continues to damage you further. But, Tina, you can take control, make a decision of what you will and will not tolerate. You can make and stick to boundaries...you can and must do Plan B. Let their bubble burst as it will...it is predictable. It is almost 100% guaranteed. Very few affairees come out of this alive and unscathed. They find out their "love" was an illusion all along and end up bitterly disappointed.
It's time to get tough, Tina. Check out Steve Harley for counseling and write your Plan B letter and put it in your jewelry box until you feel strong enough to implement the plan. Get an attorney to discuss ways to protect yourself financially. Lay some ground work to give you the feeling of control so that you aren't out there with everyone else making life decisions for you.
Well, I've mouth off long enough and probably just upset you when all I really wanted to do is just pour a little ice water on your forehead. Let's go to Caribou and discuss this over a vanilla cooler.
You're on my mind, Tina...I am glad your counselor is being helpful and can get you in when the crisies arise.
Love
Catnip =^^=
<small>[ July 27, 2002, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>
