We are seeing marriage counselor trying to save this marriage after husband confessed to a 2 year affair with a stripper. His work still requires him to travel to Las Vegas every week. He just told me today that he goes to strip club about once a month, and it's a normal things for guys, whether married or not. I don't mind men going to strip club when they are single, but it bothers me that married men are going to strip club when they should be home helping their wives with the children.

Is it true that most married men in the US go to strip club often? As my husband opens up and confides in me more, there are more things come out that really bothers me. We have very different set of moral values I guess.

It is not ok for single or married "Christian" man to go to a strip club. A Christian is to avoid the appearance of evil. Is your husband saved? If not, seek a Christian councelor and get in a good bible based church if you're not already. I will pray for you and your family.

Also, needing to go to a strip club suggest a deeper problem, possibly a sexual addiction problem. God can deliver him and restore your family. I would also recommend having yourself checked for STD if an affair has taken place 2 years with a stripper. Remember, Jesus Christ is the great healer, not just physically but also emotionally. He can restore what the devil has tried to destroy and bring deliverance to your husband restoration to your marriage and family. Salvation comes first. All things are possible to them that believe. Praying for you!!

Seaeagle,

The husband is not a christian. He was raised as a conservative jew, and I am Catholic. He claims himself as an agnostic, questioning whether God exists. I am having him tested for STD.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: Hurt1234 ]</small>

It's a big exagerration to say that "most" married men "often" go to strip clubs.

I'm married...and I've never been to one. I can't think of a married guy I know who has been to one more than a couple of times - if at all.

Most married men recognize strip clubs for what they are: trouble.

AndrewA,

That's what I thought also. I don't mind single guys going to strip club occasionally, but once married and still going to strip club is morally wrong to me. I now think he probably have sex addiction, because he said he needs to masturbate daily and have sex once a week. He is 47 years old with Crohn's disease but he has a sex drive of a 22 years old man.

Hurt..did I read part of this story in another folder on this board? Your H originally said that he and the stripper were "friends," right?

He may indeed have a sex addiction - though I think that most addicts need to do it more than once a week. As for masturbation...was this a revleation to you? Or did you already know/suspect that he made it a daily habit?

AndrewA,

Husband met the stripper at a car show in Las Vegas. After they talked, she asked him "What are you doing tonight?". His answer was "Well I am going to have dinner and then go to a strip club. Do you want to come?" And that how it started. Obviously, after sleeping with her for 2 years, they became lovers.

As far as masturbation, I noticed an increased in him masturbating more often than at the beginning of the marriage. Masturbation is natural as long as it's not done so frequently. We did have a lot of open talk lately and I questioned him the frequency of his masterbation. He had subscribed to playboy website, but when I found out he cancelled. He also buy porn magazine and watch porn movies when he travels. He said that is normal with guys.

I desperately need honest male opnions here please! We are going to the marriage counselor session today, and I will also ask her whether she think the husband is a sexual addict.

Hurt,

Masturbating once per day and having sex once a week doesn't sound like an addiction to me. It's possible, though, that you are looking at the wrong addicition - his addiction may be to porn.

By the way...have you tried to compromise with him on the masturbation? Perhaps there is a way for the two of you to do that together? Maybe that woudl satisfy his need...and it would take some of the uneasiness off of you.

AndrewA,

What is the difference between sex addiction and porn addiction? Can you explain more.

I don't mind him masturbate, but why so often? I masturbate too when I am aroused, but not everyday. I think most adults have jobs, families, errands, and many hundreds other things to think about on a daily basis. His life seems to evolve around going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching TV and masterbating or having sex.

Hurt,

I'm not expert, but...a desire for sex once a week and masturbation once a day doesn't seem like an excessive amount of sexual activity. When I say he may be addicted to porn, I mean that the masturbation may simply be a symptom. He could actually be hooked on the porn and movies he is downloading. If he finds those arousing, he is likely to lose himself in them. "Normal" real sex could be less of a turnon for him, if that's the case.

On masturbation: what I meant is that perhaps you can find a way for the two of you to enjoy masturbating together - perhaps in the shower - a time or two per week. Maybe there is a compromise that will allow him to do that, and allow you to remain close to him.

AndrewA,

Thank you! May be I am just paranoid after what happened. I don't know what to think anymore! It hurts so much.

As far as masturbation, we both enjoy the actual intercourse than masturbating together. So may be he is not a porn addict either.

My opinion is that strip clubs are not normal things for Christian men or the educated men that I know. The people that I have met who go to strip clubs are truckers and/or uneducated.

My opinion on the frequency of sex, 1 a week is not very often. Before my divorce when I was mad at my ex, we did twice a week to satisfy needs. In my new marraige, we would daily if we had the time.

As a former "porn addict", there is absolutely no question as to your husbands sex addiction. He will also deny, rationalize, excuse, justify, and minimize it to the point where you will begin to question your discernment and moral beliefs and you will begin to question what you know in your heart. www.settingcaptivesfree.com is an exceptional resource for Christians in need of healing. In your husband’s case, his heart has been hardened to the point where he no longer or perhaps never believed in God. In your case you need information as to the nature of his addiction, and how to help your husband recognize it and with God’s help and his grace be free from it.

My experience after losing my wife would suggest to you that you engage the pain. Reach out to your Lord and Savior. Pray for your husband. Search for resources; there are many available some with a non-Christian approach, but I would suggest that you need help, and you need to engage the problem with everything that you have. It is the most loving thing you can do for your husband.

You pain is your heart telling you that something is wrong, terribly wrong with the relationship you have with your husband.

jjhbicycle is correct. Because of my H's situation, I've done a great amount of research on sex addiction/porn/prostitution. Your H does have an addiction, based on the info you've given here.

The link jjhbicycle gave is valuable. Here's another that's also good.

http://www.sexaa.org/

God bless,
PM

You guys are all making too big a deal of this. I would not say most married men go to them, but many perfectly normal men go to strip clubs. Going to a strip club is not in and of itself evil. It's like gambling. If your H went to Vegas and gambled a little bit every month, no big deal. But if he went to Vegas and gambles away your mortgage payment every month, that's a problem. It's a question of degreee. If he is going to a strip club a few times a year with his buddies, and he doesn't hide it, and you don't see any other signs of cheating, or porn addiction, or sexual addiction, let it go. He is just having a good time with his friends. Keep in mind, many men who have never been to a strip club cheat, and/or have porn or sexual addictions.

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Hurt1234

You and I have a lot in common. My husband also goes to the strip clubs. Five years ago he took two strippers back to his hotel room for a private dance. Nothing happened. They partied and he had his private dance. I believe him. But, I felt he crossed the line. After this incident with the two strippers, I told my husband no more strip clubs. He told me his was retired from the strip clubs.

I do not have a problem with strip clubs. I do not have a problem with my man going to the strip club as long as I am the one getting the benefits at the end of the night.

Approximately one month ago I found out that he was not retired all this time. About three years ago he went to a strip club in Las Vegas and met a woman that he instantly connected with and they became friends and then they became lovers. She retired from dancing and he thought that she had moved to Holland with a wealthy man.

One weekend when we were in Las Vegas, he took me to Jaguars. Apparently this same woman came up to us and my husband almost choked on his drink. I left for the bathroom and she ask him why he had never told her he was married. Yikes. They started back up their affair after that night. Again, I must say I do not have a problem with strip clubs as long as I am the benefactor. I do not blame the exotic dancer for affair. It was my husband that decided to cross the line.