I don’t know how to begin.

So, I guess I shall begin at the ring.

The phone rang yesterday. A woman that I knew told me that there was someone that wanted to talk to me.
I had been brought into a telephone chatroom. There were 3 other people in this “private” chatroom. 2 of the people I knew, the 3rd I had heard of… It was this woman that wanted to talk to me.

She began to cry. She asked me if H could hear her, I said no. I walked out of the room so I could hear what she had to say.
She then told me that H had been talking to her for the last month and had been telling her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. She told me she had messages from him… and offered to play them. I asked to hear the messages…
On the messages, I hear my H say I love you, too… I miss you too… I heard him call her sweetie, actually a name he never uses for me – but for children such as my niece. My heart sank.
I then went to where H was, I was still on the phone, and asked him to pick up the other extension. He heard himself on the messages and hung up. I then asked him, why? Why are you telling another woman that you love her?
He automatically began to hug me. I pushed him away. He said that it wasn’t what this woman was saying. I said, I am hearing YOU say it!

As I sit and listen to her crying, telling me that nothing happened, that she didn’t know until recently that he was married, I am just turning cold inside. I was calm… cool… collected.
I told her that I was grateful for her calling to tell me herself.
I asked her to cut off all contact with him.
I asked her to concentrate on herself. Leave this behind.
She said that is what she planned on doing.

I listened to her say things that sounded plausible. Truth be known… much of it was the same drabble that exOW had said to me…
AND this woman is the one that used to be “friends” with exOW and told H that she had witnessed exOW beating the boy.

Last night was horrible. I felt like I was starting over.. dday #2
This morning… I still feel some of that pain… yet, I am replaying what I heard over and over in my head…
And much of it doesn’t seem to fit. Honestly, I don’t want it to fit.
I want to believe that my H loves me as much as he says he does.

This girl says she is in love with H… She says she told him… and that he told her that he loved her too… YET, she said that he told her he was IN LOVE with me… but that he loved her Just as much…

I asked him what he said to her when she said that she was in love with him… he said “That’s sweet.”
Me-Why, didn’t you tell her that there was no future for her feelings?
H-I don’t know.

UGH!

Nothing makes sense to me… None of this!

Someone, HELP ME!!!

I am calling the counseling number from work this afternoon when I go home. I can’t call from here; I am not ready to talk to the guys at work about this… (Remember I work in a shop with 16 men… no women)

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 08:22 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Oh Girl.....I'm soooooo sorry.....my heart breaks for you.

I am here for you and if possible, e-mail me where I can call you...I want to talk to you, if that's ok....let me know...

This is one of my biggest fears for myself...and one that I've had nightmares about for the last three weeks....you know what I am talking about...

I don't know what else I can say...I wish I could make it better for you. I care for you and please know you have a friend in me to talk to, if you ever need me.

(((((((((hugs))))))))) and prayers,

Twiisty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Stacia,

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry that he has done this. I was going to say "that this has happened" but I think it is important to be very clear about responsibility here. This didn't "just happen" this is something he chose to do after knowing how devestating an affair is. The Harelys think that a second affair is an act of aggression.

Is he ready to go to counseling? Can you see (talk to) the Harleys?

I know that Zebrababy has been in this position. Her H had an emotional affair following close on the discovery of his physical affair and OC. Maybe she has some suggestions. I know that she won't see this situation as hopeless as they are now in a solid recovery.

I am praying for you.

MJ

I told H that we needed counseling NOW!

I have decided to get a counselor for myself.
I am calling the free counseling number provided for us here at work.

I am not sure where this is going to go...

The longer I think about this... and remember what she said..
I am more inclined to believe H, that this girl has concocted much of this in her mind.
She says its been a month... but its only been a couple of weeks since H told me about their conversation about exOW beating the boy.
And he said this was the first time he spoke with her.
One of the people in that "private" chatroom, also knew that H had not spoke to her before that conversation.

Like I said, this doesn't add up.

What have I done so awful, that this woman has crawled out of the woodwork???

I am beginning to wonder.. if all of this is part of the reason that exOW has allowed H to watch Lil Bit every day....

Staci,

I'm sorry you ae going through this. Please remember what you heard your H say. And even if what OW is saying doesn't add up please remember you heard your H say that he loved her. Deal with him and forget her unless she pops up again. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'll look for you tonight. If we miss each other send me a email and I'll respond.

Tee

stacia
I am sorry you are hurting, but Like you said, if this woman is a friend of ow.. doesnt it all seem a bit odd.
I dont know that I would buy into it, and yes SUPRISE ALL I agree with stacia, ow is probably setting this mess up to make life miserable, sounds to weird to me.
But i think counceling is in order, when my husband gets back we are going, I am looking forward to it.

Stacia

How adamant was your husband about this situation? Did he sincerely deny this or did he act like it was nothing or silly? Did he reassure you and put your mind at ease? His reaction, from what I read, wasn't very telling. There must have been more to this.

If he has once again started something up with someone, then I suggest you insist he get the help we discussed yesterday. His behavior, if this is true, is reckless and destructive to you, your marriage and entire family. And himself.

If this is NOT true and there is just someone out there playing a game to hurt you, you need to find out the facts so you don't do any inadvertant harm to your recovery and progress.

Stacia, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. You certainly don't need anymore anxiety after all you have endured and esepcially after your generosity and acceptance of his child. I can't imagine any WS doing something like this again after what they have already been through unless they are completely amoral or self-destructive.

Stay strong and get the facts. Don't assume anything and try to resolve this as quickly as possible. It could be that there is just a bevy of troublemakers who aren't happy unless they are victimizing someone. They know your soft underbelly.

Catnip =^^-

Stacia,
I agree with mof5 and catnip. This seems to weird to me. And if she knows OW then she must have known that your H was married. Do you think she could have altered the tapes?

Dawn

I also vote for weird. Not that I know the depth of your H's intelligence, but he would have to be pretty stupid to even consider doing something so retarded with a friend (former or otherwise) of OW. It wouldn't take a brainiac to conclude that somehow, someway, OW would be told and would, in turn, "share" this tidbit with you. My first reaction says this is false information, planted to wreak havoc. Go slow, listen to what H has to say, and ALWAYS consider the source.

Best wishes for you.

OB1

When we discussed this after taking Lil Bit back to exOW, he was adamant that this was NOT what it seemed.

He told me that he loved me... wanted to grow old with me... wanted a family with ME...
He even made sure to mention that I was Lil Bit's Mommy and how could he knowingly put her welfare at stake but hurting me this way.

I love my husband, very much.
He is a "southerner" that claims that he was raised that when someone says "I love ya" to reciprocate.... and he does not understand that these women on that da*& chatline are insecure and needy and looking for someone to "love" them.

She gave me some song and dance that she has cancer and is afraid that she may not live to see LOVE... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Well, honey... look in another direction!!

Thanks for the replies, thoughts and prayers...

Catnip,
I am going to ask when I call the counseling firm, if they can help me get him into some program... I PRAY that they can help me help him.

Stacia,

I also have to agree that this sounds fishy! In your post, when you refer to this "female" you call her a girl, and also state the fact that H called her "sweetie" which he reserves for children! Also, this girl is/was friends w/xOW, and much of what she was saying was the same or similar to the stuff you'd heard from xOW! And, the fact that one of the other people on the phone agreed that it had only been a few weeks since H first talked w/this girl, and she says it was at least a month.

I wish that I had some wise words to take away your pain, but I think that you are doing the right thing, going to counseling! Is this number one for the actual counselor, or is it for your referral. If it's for the referral, when you choose your counselor, find out if they embrace or use the MB principles.

The most that I can offer you at this time is hugs and prayers!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Stacia}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Tigger

I think counseling is in order. I don't buy the southern upbringing bit. Why on earth would he tell her he loves her?

Go for counseling.

If you can afford it, spend a few dollars with Steve Harley and have him get you and H on phone. A few sessions with him does wonders.

Good luck.

Stacia,
Maybe your H was just trying to get some information out of her about ex-OW and he was just playing along.

Dawn

Wow, you've got a lot of facts to sort out it seems. Off the cuff I'd say it's awfully fishy that this new girl knows the OW and it could be a plan concocted to get back at your husband by the OW and cause you grief in hopes of breaking things up. Tapes could be from the original d-day times unless the new girls voice is on it (in which case your H has a legal right to sue as he had no knowledge of his conversation being recorded which is against FCC regulations and a federal offense).

On the other hand it seems your husband is attempting to explain the "I love you too" comments and the whole southern thing just plain doesn't make logical sense to me at least (being a man myself - although not a southerner). At this point in the game I'd be suspicious of both the parties involved and your H until you can piece together what is happening here. If the 2nd OW was telling the truth, then perhaps it was a case of your H not knowing that 2nd OW knew 1st OW all along? Just trying to think out loud here...seek God's wisdom in all of this and if there is any truth to this story, your H needs to bear the consequences of his actions or he will not change.

I did it!!! I did it!!!

I have an appointment with a counselor on Friday at 4:00 my time!!!

I was so nervous... But I did it!

I told the receptionist that I had a cornicopia of problems to deal with... and I need HELP!

This is free! I wish I could afford the Harleys but I just can't, so I will take what help I can get now!

Thank you all for your posts!

Stacia, I hope it's Friday before you can think anymore of this yucky situation.

I think everyone needs to cool their jets.

Please let us know of any further developments.
Love
Debi

Dear Stacia,

You and your H have come so far. You should be guided by your gut feelings at this moment. Like others said, none of it adds up. This 2nd OW appearing from nowhere with her ties to the OW -- and your H feeling he had to tell someone that he loved them to be polite. But, I have lived with a very strange H for a long time and I can testify that sometimes their thinking can be very different from women.

Sometimes people who are trusting or not very good dealing in emotional situations can agree just to get out of the situation. It is very difficult to know if you got the whole gist of the conversation from hearing only a few words uttered by your H.

But, I have been in your shoes and know how difficult it is to feel the pain of something your H has said to another woman. Those words keep ringing in your ears and won't go away. I am glad that you are seeking counselling to help you sort out this situation.

Meanwhile, I will be praying for you that this entire situation becomes clear and that you will feel secure again. Good luck.

love,
heavenly

Stacia honey,

My heart breaks for the anguish I know you are feeling.

First let me say this. You need to get to the bottom of this one way or another. You need to KNOW whether or not what this woman is saying is true or a lie. And you have to know it in your heart.

It isn't clear from your post .. did your H admit to saying these things to this woman? I just find it very odd that a man would verbalize love for someone he doesn't know. How well does he know this "girl". Is she a friend/confidant? Do they talk often?

Bottom line is you need to know where your H's head is at. Is he in a fog with someone else? If so, let me be the first to tell you ... there is a light at the end of a tunnel. I'm living proof that there is recovery after an EA following a PA.

If I were in your shoes I'd be pressing him for some detailed answers. When exactly have you talked to this person. How many times, about what, etc. What did the conversations consist of? When did you say these things on the recording? How did that entire conversation go? The more detail you get the better you will get a feel for how much truth is in his story.

Then ... you need to address the issue .. why was he talking to another woman. After my H's EA we concluded that women and men cannot be "buddies" in our marriage. We have church women that we are friends with, one woman in particular he's on a committe with. They talk on the phone ... but don't you doubt for a minute that he "reports" every time what they talked about.

My H now knows there is no room in our relationship for a woman friend like he had in BFOW. I'm his best friend and if he needs to chat ... it'll be with me or his guy friends ... and that's the bottom line. That's what fills my needs. Those are the boundaries that are set in my marriage.

And he understands .. it's not about trust .. it's about an emotional dependancy that can be overwhelming and hard to control. ... just like a drug addict shouldn't be around people who do drugs. You don't put yourself in a position to be "drawn in" or tempted.

I strongly suggest you sit down with your H and map out when all the conversations with this woman, when they took place and their contents. Explain to him that you need to be 100% clear on everything that pertains to her and him. Do it in a non threatening manner and tell him you need it for your piece of mind.

Once you get that, sit on it. digest it. feel it with your gut. Your insides will tell you if it adds up to him being emotionally unfaithful or a trick [censored] hoe trying to throw [censored] in your game.

Your gut will tell you. And if you need us to help you sort it out .. post away .. or email me .. you have my aol screen name.. my email addy is the same @aol.com

best of luck sweetie ... you'll be o.k. if I can swing through everything i've been through, so can you.

Z.

Just wanted you to know I'm reading and thinking and praying and feeling for you. On top of everything else, now this??? I agree with z--don't let him just hug you and brush the details underneath the rug... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I hope the counseling goes well, too!

Well, today was my first counseling session.
Basically it was to let the counselor get a feel for what kind of help I needed…

H decided that he and Lil Bit would go along for “moral support.”

I was so nervous. I was crying before we got there and I was going through major mood swings.
She, yeah female… H was not thrilled with that, asked us several questions… to which I answered as clearly as I could. When she directed the questions at H, he gave the “I don’t know” stuff and “she knows how I feel” crap… Never really answering the questions.

She asked us if we felt we wanted to stay in our marriage and work things out… I adamantly said, “Yes, I do” and H said, “Well my grandmother would kill me if I don’t”… I wanted to die… He never said what HE wanted… just beat around the bush.

She asked us what we thought we wanted to come out of counseling… I said, “more openness, honesty and communication in our marriage”, H said, “I don’t know.”

Apparently, to H, honesty and openness mean “anger and hostility” from me…
I admitted that when I find out that he has lied, I do become very “hostile.”

So, now I am scheduled to go in for Individual counseling on Wednesday. H hasn’t decided if he is going to get any IC yet, she suggested that he do that. He may… and I am praying for the Lord to touch his heart and lead him to go. I am not going to pressure him.

I only get 5 free sessions… I don’t know if today counts… but I am sure that the counselor will let me know… and there is the possibility that my insurance may cover any more counseling after this is over.

Pray for me, friends.
I am in desperate need for the Hand of God to touch our marriage.
I got the feeling today that there are things still lurking under the surface that he is hiding and I am terrified.

\0/
Lord, I lift up my H to you…
Touch his heart, Lord.
Lead him to Honesty and Truth.

Touch my heart, Lord.
Lead me to empathy…
Lead me to Peace.

Be with both of us.

In Christ's precious name,
Amen