Wow it will be 10 years in September! I'm not sure why I popped in tonight and started reading some of my old posts. I haven't been on MB in a long time. My kids are now 19, 16 and 10, H and I are still married and as I used to always say still on the roller coaster of this thing we call marriage. For the most part I'm happy we have on and off contact with OC. Just wanted to bump this for the newbies and say hello to any oldies that are still around.

The one tidbit of advice I will give is never lose you we get so consumed with the affair and OC that you can lose yourself it took me a while to realize it was harder being angry then it was to accept the situation and make a decision. I had to decide if I wanted to accept this situation and make my marriage work or if I wanted to live in the past. I could say it was easy and I lived happily after but I won't. At times it might have been easier to start all over then at times I know my kids appreciate/ want their dad in the house with them.

Hubby and I will be married for 18 years in July and together for 21 years. I'm happy with me and who I have become and I still love the man I said I do too. Good luck and please grow from this I learned a lot about me as a person. I made changes that helped me grow. I'm 37 now and proud of the woman I have evolved into. I didn't allow this situation to break me please do not let it break you.

Unsure

Great update Unsure! Thanks for stopping in.

Thanks for this update, Unsure. I am quickly approaching my first annis. of Dday and dreading it so. I can hardly believe it's already been a year. Never, ever, ever would've thought I would've made it this far.

10 years out is a true inspiration to me. I really needed to read this post tonight. Thanks for sharing.

Blessings to you.

Thank you I'm glad I was able to help someone....Hi FF, Good luck Migs...

Wow... It's been 15 years. Times sure flies I'm not sure why I came her tonight and started looking up my old posts. OC is at my house right now our relationship is fine she's still occasionally angry at my H because of NC. We had NC for a while and it allowed me to heal when I see the pain in some of you newbies I know how hard it is. Tonight I took the girls OC and my daughter out for pizza and someone said are they both your daughters? I said for the first time this is my daughter and my step daughter I have never verbally defined our relationship. Maybe that's why I'm here tonight. Who knew we would be here. Her mother is still messy and silly but now all her antics are directed at my H. She finally realizes she couldn't get a reaction from me. The exOW in my case didn't matter to me my anger was directed at my H and for years because she was a non factor in my life she was extremely angry at me. Do not allow another person to consume you, when you focus on the right things such as your marriage and family it gives you total freedom. I have now been married for 23 years, with my H for 25 my kids are now 24, 21 and 15 in that first post my son was 11. Again my marriage is still a roller coaster, still no infidelity and I'm a happy and content with my life. Contact is not for everyone but it (sometimes) works in our case. If any of you oldies are around Hi!!!! And for you newbies I hope dusting off this old post helps someone.

Unsure

Unsure it is so very nice to read about how far you have come. I pray that one day I will find myself in a similar place. Again thanks for your update...

Hi Unsure, welcome back to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask, but I will point out that the path you took is very different from what Marriage Builders recommends. The first and most important recommendation is no contact - EVER - with the OW. That is how affairs restart and at best, will prevent the marriage from ever recovering. Staying in contact with the affair partner is a disaster for the marriage.

Dr. Harley recommends not having anything to do with the OC if possible. But if that is not going to be followed, he is adamant there be no contact with the affair partner. He actually believes that it is bad for the children of the marriage to remain in contact with the OC. It keeps the marriage in turmoil which is harmful to the kids.

Once the affair is removed from the scene, the hard work of marital recovery begins. Using the Marriage Builders concepts, the marriage is recovered by creating a happy, romantic marriage. It sounds from your post that didn't happen. You aren't asking for advice, but did you ever use this program?

The goal of Marriage Builders is not to just hang on and struggle through a crippled marriage; that is not our definition of success. But rather to a) affair proof the marriage, b) remove as many triggers as possible and c) to create a romantic, passionate marriage that was better than the pre-affair marriage.

�He actually believes that it is bad for the children of the marriage to remain in contact with the OC.�

The above isn't a concern in our marriage, as we have decided to just talk w/ our girls about the actions/behaviors of my H instead of the OC, but I had no idea about the above statement. Is this in one of his books??

My wife and I make a serious effort to follow MB principles all of the time. The result - our marriage is fully-recovered and very fulfilling. So, to the extent that you are still married, I suppose you can claim a victory. But real recovery is *SO* much more than that! What you are really demonstrating is what is often said here - that skirting the rules will result in marriage that is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage, hence your "roller coaster". That is not a recovery. That is just limping along.

It doesn't seem to have worked for you if you are still on the roller coaster ....

Didn't he tell you this in your call? He believes that the marriage should be protected at all costs, but if the OC is hanging around, it makes recovery of the marriage much, much harder because of the continual reminders. That increases the risk of the divorce, which is bad for the children of the marriage.

It was your wording...just wanted clarification, thanks!

My roller coaster is the norms of everyday married life no major arguing no break ups. Just life I have a husband that totally committed to me if you read some of my old post we had 100% NC for a while as I stated earlier it allowed me to heal
And my marriage to stabilize. I remember you MelodyLane some of your comments have helped me in the past, my husband has no contact with exOW OC is now old enough to communicate with us herself. Not every situation is the same after D-day he went in survival mood to save our marriage and 15 years later I'm still on this wonderful roller coaster I call life. So yikes sorry I got all of your feathers ruffled. I won't be back anytime soon and to the newbie good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this its extremely painful and it takes time to heal.