I didn’t want to post today. Because of everything that’s going on today. The building I work in used to have a clear view of the twin towers. Anyway this is my D-day week yes week. 9/10/00 I heard a voice mail from H’s next potential OW on his cell phone. I was checking the phone to see if he had already listened to my message I left him. 9/11/00 exOW sister came to my house and told me about the affair and OC. I file for a divorce. 9/12/00 H breaks down crying etc…. realizing losing me he has no life etc….. 9/13/00 I talk to exOW on the phone for 2 ½ hours I learn a few more things H omitted/left out from his version. My last day at my job was 8/31/00 I left my bread and butter I would have been earning over 6 figures had I stayed. It took me a year to get over the fact he allowed me to quit my job knowing exOW was pregnant. Now that I’ve vented. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can honestly say I’ve grown as a person. I now have returned to the go getter I used to be. I’m no longer that shadow of myself I remember thinking man I wish these two years will hurry up and get by so I can return to my old self. I still am not the old Unsure I don’t think I’ll ever be her. To be honest I’m not sure if I want to be her. I like this new older wiser version of myself. I’ve turned into a wonderful mother dealing with this situation. I don’t think I was a crappy one before but working 50 to 60 hours a week I didn’t spend as much quality time with the boys that I should have. Being home with them these two years and watching my oldest son battle with the exOW/OC situation was a hard hurtful time but also a loving close time we really bonded. OS is no longer in therapy and for the first time in a long time I know in my heart he doesn’t need it and he’s happy. I’m so proud of him as I watched him catch the bus to Middle school this year he’s in 6th grade I was so proud of him he’s 11 and 5 feet tall and built not fat just a big tall kid for his age. He has his father’s curly hair and my light brown eyes he’s so gorgeous lol everywhere we go people are always telling me you going to have to watch out for that one the girls are going to throw themselves at him and they already are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> O.k. I won’t brag anymore but if you saw the shaken kid who was a shell of his former self two years ago you would know why I’m so proud of this smart intelligent kid who just got accepted in this Magnet school that’s hard to get in. I just go the news yesterday. YES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As for my relationship with my H. It’s a rollercoaster ride but it’s one where we take the time to get off and talk to each other. Recently I felt like he wasn’t meeting my EA’s and I was feeling really vulnerable. Even though at the initial conversation I felt like he wasn’t taking what I was telling him serious he has really turned around and has been a great H. I don’t know if he felt me dealing with my D-day triggers but he been really attentive and loving and caring. Heck as I told Z we’ve been humping like rabbits. lol He did something stupid a week or two ago but after discussing it recently I realize he was dealing with a lot of crap from his job that he wasn’t sharing with me. I can honestly say that no matter what happens in my marriage if we stay together or part I can handle it. The one thing about dealing with an affair is that you either let it break you or you learn to be a better person for you. WS’s and OW’s will never understand what it’s like to a BS who’s H has an OC. It’s something I would never wish on my on my worst enemy not even TAH/exOW. Anyway it already happened to her so no need to wish it on her again.

As for OC I could say we moved on with our life since H decided on NC and that he never thinks about her but I can’t. He does think about her and he does care for her but he says, “exOW wasn’t mature enough to handle the situation so he doesn’t feel guilty for putting his family needs first.” The one thing I’m glad about is that I never made him decide I told him I had to be a part of it 100% but beside that and how he handle contact with exOW it was his choice. He can never throw in my face you are the one that didn’t want him to be apart of OC life etc… Some of you who remember my earlier posts know how guilty I felt for OC I felt like every child deserved a father etc... Now I’m glad we have NC when I realized how much exOW would be involved I wanted to back out of visitation then I realized her actions would push H away and they did. Although I have compassion for OC for the first time in a long time I feel selfish. I’m glad my D doesn’t have to share her father. She’s our youngest even though she’s 8 months older than OC she’s our baby and I don’t want her to share that position right now. (I never told H that of course) H and I agreed that when OC is able to talk and exOW can’t lie and said we hurt her etc…that if he wanted to he could try and pursue visitation. I’m sorry but if he never brings it up neither will I. I pray and hope exOW finds someone to love her and her 4 children. If she doesn’t whenever OC wants to contact her father and if she’s willing to at least listen to both sides of the story our/my door will always be open for her. I do not hate her I see her for the innocent child she is.

As for exOW I can care less about her she means nothing to me or my marriage. I don’t even try to figure out why she thinks the way she does. Z was joking with me about having a job and she said now you make enough money to keep repairing you car after exOW damages it. And you know what I truly honestly believe what goes around come around. I feel good knowing I can look my children in the face everyday and know I didn’t stoop to her level and risk getting arrested for something so bogus. After her false phone harassment charges and going to court for that I will never put myself in a position that risks going back and forth to court. When it all panned out in the end it’s not who has the guy it’s who has self respect and self esteem because of the almost daily new reports and new people coming up to me and looking like they are in mourning because of my situation. lol (I'm sorry but I can laugh about it at this particular moment tomorrow I may not) I can only assume she's still telling everybody and I don’t care! I hold my head high I did nothing to be ashamed of. And everyone that approaches me or my family always says doesn’t she realize how stupid she looks. I think that’s her punishment she goes around trying to make me look like this crazy wife and people who know me shake their heads in disgust and feel sorry for her. O.K., I’m going to cut this short I haven’t posted an update in awhile and every time I was post it’s always when she does something to my car. Lol for you newbie’s my marriage isn’t perfect but it has improved 95%. I can honestly say I’m no longer the person I was 2 years ago. Do I still think about it? Yes, but it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to do then. Good luck to all and keep praying that's the only thing that helped me get where I'm at.

Unsure

PS-I forgot to mention my YS he’s doing great (except for his darn asthma) he’s 8 now. He was just nominated for the AT program Academically Talented. H and I spent the night playfully arguing why he so smart. We all know it’s from me. And the baby is doing great she will be 2 1/2 on the 15. If you’ve read this entire post thanks it felt good to vent and to share.

Tee

Awesome update Unsure,

And sooooo glad to hear about your sons. You are so blessed and I'm sure it radiates from you.

Isn't it amazing some days the peace we have with our situations. And other days the devil just stirs discontent within us. Thankfully those days get farther and farther in between.

I'm glad you are my chat buddy. You've helped me in so many ways. It's good to know we have sistas in recovery!

BTW I talked to our other sista on the phone the other day. She's doing good. Gave me some great advise about my situation. She gave it to me raw and uncut. I needed that. I tried it and it worked. I finally have understanding and closure of what went down over the last few weeks.

Thank you for your advise as well!

Well chat soon,
Z.

Hello,
Here I am
reading your posting and finding myself so over joyed by your happiness. In your words you can feel peace and I'm sure it was a long time comming. I know you don't know me nor do I know you but I find hope in your posting (no matter how long the post was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) It's good when in the mist of my storm I can still see hope for my marriage. May God continue to bless you and your family. Please keep sharing I get so much from everyone's experiences and recovery.

Dear Unsure...I is doing that old happy dance for you, Gal.

I want to thank you for posting this thread and giving hope and encouragement to the newbies who are filled with fear and doubt...as you were and as I was all those many months/years ago.

The road is long and often torturous, but you know, the rewards are something we never knew existed.

I know exactly what you are saying about how you have changed and that you will never be the same. I used to lament that I would never be the same, but, like you, I like the way I am and what I have become. I like the changes and I really have come to know and udnerstnad the world and human nature better than ever before. Mostly, I finally allowed my husband to be just a man and get down off that impossible pedestal I had him on. I know 'admiration' is an extremely important emotional need, however, I took it too far...I made him think he was bullet proof, more than he really was and set him up for a huge fall...impossible expectations.

I admire my husband now for his strength to stay in the mix and fight the good fight for recovery and enlightenment. I admire his ability to admit when he is wrong and for his errors. I think he is more wonderful than before because he is no longer a selfish man and has re-prioritized his life. It feels so good to respect him again. It feels wonderful to find my self respect again, in awe of my strength to have endured it all and grateful to God for all of it...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Your children have oddly benefited from all this strife because they have watched you example and been the beneficiaries of your empathy, awareness and devotion. Your husband has had the privelege of being loved and elevated by a woman who stayed with him through the impossible and seen the beauty of true love and what it can do for a marriage.

I couldn't be happier for you and thrilled that your attitude is gratitude.

God bless, with love...and, thank you.

Catnip =^^=

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> bump ^^ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Unsure, you sure sound like a great lemonade maker. Life dumped lemons on you--by the bushel full until you were about swamped under. You made the migest lemonade stand on the block. And exOW still has her face contorted from biting on sour lemons. She hasn't figured out you're supposed to add some sweetner.

Hurrah for unsure who sounds more sure all the time.

Love,
MJ

PS our D-day are almost the same. We are right on our two-year D-day anniversary. I plan to celebrate it by ignoring it. How about you?

Unsure, you sure sound like a great lemonade maker. Life dumped lemons on you--by the bushel full until you were just about swamped under. You made the biggest lemonade stand on the block.

And exOW still has her face contorted from biting on sour lemons. She hasn't figured out you're supposed to add some sweetner.

Hurrah for Unsure who sounds more sure all the time.

Love,
MJ

PS our D-day are almost the same. We are right on our two-year D-day anniversary. I plan to celebrate it by ignoring it. How about you?

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

I just wanted to thank you all for your support. I'm sorry about the delay in responding. I can't respond the way I want to now but I will tonight. Thanks again.

unsure,
I am so glad for you. You have given me hope.

Dawn

Dear Unsure,

It is so wonderful to hear that your life has turned around so dramatically. Time to change your name from "Unsure" to "Verysure".

love,
heavenly

Verysure--good one, Heavenly!! Unsure, you ought to try that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Unsure, I'm so happy for your recovery... it should be an inspiration for all newbies!

Congradulations,
J

Again sorry about the delay responding. H and I went away last weekend we had a great time in Manhattan, I'm also working FT again. I'm on the PC all day long and when I get home sitting in front of a computer is the last thing I want to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Z, Thanks for your support and I'm glad our other sistah was able to help you. D if you read this I miss chatting with you. You both know you have helped me a lot!

Jafujay,

Your post is what I needed it feels good to know someone else especially a newbie can find hope in something your saying. I don't know your story because I've been away but I used to find hope by reading others stories. In fact I think I read everyone’s story from the beginning to understand why they felt the way they did when I first found MB.

Catnip, BTDT, and MJ,

At one point you all have given me advice that was monumental in my recovery. You've all made such and impact in my recovery in ways that you or others wouldn't understand. When I was feeling really down and confused at one point or another you've said something to me that made me give my marriage another chance and I thank you for that.

Dawn, Heavenly and Jenny- Thank you very much for your support. It makes me feel good and it's needed. I will change my name one day. And Yes I'm very sure of me and my future no matter what. And that feels really good. I was telling Z and Staci it's strange to care so much about people you've never met and it seems like you know so much about them. You rejoice through their good times and cry through their sad times. I appreciate all of you for being there for me when I needed it. I hope I can get on used to working so I can be there for others again.

Luv Ya!

Unsure

Hey babe! I am so glad to hear how wonderful it is going for you. Sounds like you may haven managed to make it to the rainbow after the terrible flood. You are a strong woman Unsure....an inspiration to all. I am sorry for not responding to your email, actually I didnt realize I didnt, but that is probably the case. I dont get much time on the computer and even less before now so I would read the emails I got quickly and usually intented to respond later when I had more time (which I had not gotten until now). But I did read everything and thank you for not giving up on me. You thought of me enough to email when you had not heard from me. That means a lot.
Love
bw

Reading Staci's post made me go back and re-read some of my old posts...this one really hit me...

How do I feel now...still confident about myself.. my marriage is still a rollar coaster minus the cheating....My children are now 15, 12, and 6. We have contact with OC have had it for a year. Care for OC have no problems with her but exOW still occasionally pulls her little antics... I just thought I would bump this up for some of the newbies and a flash in the past for some of the oldies....

Unsure/Tee

{{{hugs}} to you Tee!

It certainly does amaze us when we look back on where we've been, doesn't it?

I know that when I first came here, reading the "oldies" posts helped me know that there was light at the end of the tunnel.. no matter if that tunnel forked or not, there is still light at the end.

Good to "see" you again, girl! We need to email more often.

Stacia

Hey Staci,

I'll try to email you tonight...it's weird to look back at the past and think man that's where I was at. I read so much pain in some of my older posts and at time so much anger. I do not feel that way anymore. Unless an antic or stunt is pulled for the most part I ignore it and keep on moving. Talk to you soon. Have you talked to Twiisty I miss her..

Tee

Heya Tee! Twiisty is in the house. They never let me keep my original name so I had to sign up again under "Twiistyagain"

We've got lots to catch up on, don't we? I am now officially divorced and in school, and halfway towards a bachelor's degree in paralegal studies. I want to eventually be a lawyer that specializes in family law.

Get my e-mail from Stacia and we can catch up! I miss you too and many hugs from me to you (((Hugs)))

Twiisty

I didn't get online last night I will email Staci tonight and get it. Nice hearing from you we definitly have to catch up!

Tee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No way! How is it that I can be gone for over a year and when I pop in there's an update from one of my bestist sista girls on the front page. Unsure, your girl Z. is in tha house! Oh how I miss chattin' with you. We need to talk. I'm gonna post an update on a separate thread. Do you still have my email addy?

I saw this new forum has messaging. I'm gonna attempt to send you a PM. Miss ya girl.

Z.

Yes, If it the same email I still have it I'll hit you either tonight or tomorrow. I miss you girl!

Wow it will be 10 years in September! I'm not sure why I popped in tonight and started reading some of my old posts. I haven't been on MB in a long time. My kids are now 19, 16 and 10, H and I are still married and as I used to always say still on the roller coaster of this thing we call marriage. For the most part I'm happy we have on and off contact with OC. Just wanted to bump this for the newbies and say hello to any oldies that are still around.

The one tidbit of advice I will give is never lose you we get so consumed with the affair and OC that you can lose yourself it took me a while to realize it was harder being angry then it was to accept the situation and make a decision. I had to decide if I wanted to accept this situation and make my marriage work or if I wanted to live in the past. I could say it was easy and I lived happily after but I won't. At times it might have been easier to start all over then at times I know my kids appreciate/ want their dad in the house with them.

Hubby and I will be married for 18 years in July and together for 21 years. I'm happy with me and who I have become and I still love the man I said I do too. Good luck and please grow from this I learned a lot about me as a person. I made changes that helped me grow. I'm 37 now and proud of the woman I have evolved into. I didn't allow this situation to break me please do not let it break you.

Unsure

Great update Unsure! Thanks for stopping in.

Thanks for this update, Unsure. I am quickly approaching my first annis. of Dday and dreading it so. I can hardly believe it's already been a year. Never, ever, ever would've thought I would've made it this far.

10 years out is a true inspiration to me. I really needed to read this post tonight. Thanks for sharing.

Blessings to you.

Thank you I'm glad I was able to help someone....Hi FF, Good luck Migs...

Wow... It's been 15 years. Times sure flies I'm not sure why I came her tonight and started looking up my old posts. OC is at my house right now our relationship is fine she's still occasionally angry at my H because of NC. We had NC for a while and it allowed me to heal when I see the pain in some of you newbies I know how hard it is. Tonight I took the girls OC and my daughter out for pizza and someone said are they both your daughters? I said for the first time this is my daughter and my step daughter I have never verbally defined our relationship. Maybe that's why I'm here tonight. Who knew we would be here. Her mother is still messy and silly but now all her antics are directed at my H. She finally realizes she couldn't get a reaction from me. The exOW in my case didn't matter to me my anger was directed at my H and for years because she was a non factor in my life she was extremely angry at me. Do not allow another person to consume you, when you focus on the right things such as your marriage and family it gives you total freedom. I have now been married for 23 years, with my H for 25 my kids are now 24, 21 and 15 in that first post my son was 11. Again my marriage is still a roller coaster, still no infidelity and I'm a happy and content with my life. Contact is not for everyone but it (sometimes) works in our case. If any of you oldies are around Hi!!!! And for you newbies I hope dusting off this old post helps someone.

Unsure

Unsure it is so very nice to read about how far you have come. I pray that one day I will find myself in a similar place. Again thanks for your update...

Hi Unsure, welcome back to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask, but I will point out that the path you took is very different from what Marriage Builders recommends. The first and most important recommendation is no contact - EVER - with the OW. That is how affairs restart and at best, will prevent the marriage from ever recovering. Staying in contact with the affair partner is a disaster for the marriage.

Dr. Harley recommends not having anything to do with the OC if possible. But if that is not going to be followed, he is adamant there be no contact with the affair partner. He actually believes that it is bad for the children of the marriage to remain in contact with the OC. It keeps the marriage in turmoil which is harmful to the kids.

Once the affair is removed from the scene, the hard work of marital recovery begins. Using the Marriage Builders concepts, the marriage is recovered by creating a happy, romantic marriage. It sounds from your post that didn't happen. You aren't asking for advice, but did you ever use this program?

The goal of Marriage Builders is not to just hang on and struggle through a crippled marriage; that is not our definition of success. But rather to a) affair proof the marriage, b) remove as many triggers as possible and c) to create a romantic, passionate marriage that was better than the pre-affair marriage.

�He actually believes that it is bad for the children of the marriage to remain in contact with the OC.�

The above isn't a concern in our marriage, as we have decided to just talk w/ our girls about the actions/behaviors of my H instead of the OC, but I had no idea about the above statement. Is this in one of his books??

My wife and I make a serious effort to follow MB principles all of the time. The result - our marriage is fully-recovered and very fulfilling. So, to the extent that you are still married, I suppose you can claim a victory. But real recovery is *SO* much more than that! What you are really demonstrating is what is often said here - that skirting the rules will result in marriage that is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage, hence your "roller coaster". That is not a recovery. That is just limping along.

It doesn't seem to have worked for you if you are still on the roller coaster ....

Didn't he tell you this in your call? He believes that the marriage should be protected at all costs, but if the OC is hanging around, it makes recovery of the marriage much, much harder because of the continual reminders. That increases the risk of the divorce, which is bad for the children of the marriage.

It was your wording...just wanted clarification, thanks!

My roller coaster is the norms of everyday married life no major arguing no break ups. Just life I have a husband that totally committed to me if you read some of my old post we had 100% NC for a while as I stated earlier it allowed me to heal
And my marriage to stabilize. I remember you MelodyLane some of your comments have helped me in the past, my husband has no contact with exOW OC is now old enough to communicate with us herself. Not every situation is the same after D-day he went in survival mood to save our marriage and 15 years later I'm still on this wonderful roller coaster I call life. So yikes sorry I got all of your feathers ruffled. I won't be back anytime soon and to the newbie good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this its extremely painful and it takes time to heal.