Well, I found out about A when H received a paternity suit yesterday in the mail. So, in addition to the sick feelings I have about A and OW and H I now get to find out if H is a father.
We do not have children together - my daughter lives with us and his son lives with us so our house is full but no kids together. Now, I feel really sick about that too. Always wanted them myself but had tubes tied long before I met him. Anyway, the paternity suit says he goes to court on 12/30 to establish paternity and child support. He tells me that the OW is married and her H is on the birth certificate. MALC posted on another board and said he didn't think my H coul be responsible for support if the ow's husband is listed....does anyone know?
And, ya know what....I really don't mind working out this M but this kid thing is bugging me. too fresh....too new....can't decipher how I feel right now. Does anyone know how this testing stuff goes and how they figure the amount of child support if he has to pay? Surely they consider the current family?

Hello,
Please get a lawyer and as soon as possible. Is this through child suuport agency? Can you find out if her H actually on the BC. If OW's H is on the BC then I don't see how they are suing your H for CS? IS this through the courts? You need to get all the information you possible can. How old is the OC? What state do you live in? In a lot of states BC are public record. You can find out through the vital records near you. I know that most states have a stature of limitation regarding paterinty. Here it is two years. If OC is over two years and there is another person's name on the BC then my H would not have to give DNA. So, please talk to a lawyer soon.

Have your read the principles on the site? I would start there.

Dawn

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

Angelia

Don't so anything at all until you have received DNA results, except get an attorney. It might turn out the C is not your husband's. I will pray you are one of the lucky ones.

I am so sorry you are here. This is such a blow to you and your emotions are raw with a pain that is indescribable. All you can do right now is pray and wait for the results. Use this time to study and learn the Harley principles on rebuilding your life. Your husband is remorseful and wants to rebuild so it should be easier to get him involved in the Harley method of recovery.

The two of you should sit down and study everything you can on this entire site and begin incorporating the Rules (Honesty and Protection)and Policies (POJA-Joint Agreement). Both of you should fill out the EN questionairre and read Harley's articles at the beginning fo this site for better understanding.

The best way to meet this head on is to meet it head on. Get focused and make this your first priority. It will strengthen you for the days ahead.

God bless

This came to us from the Deptment of revenue. I don't know what that means.

I have been reading up on FL laws. Apparently even if her (ow)'s husband is on the birth ceretificate that can be reversed if my H is legal parent. I'm also reading on the amounts he can be asessed. Oh my God, it's horrible.

I am praying, if anyone wants to pray for me too that would be nice.

I'm ony three days into this whirlwind of emotions. The court date is not until 12/30. Husband doesnt' want me to go with him - he said he did this on his own. I am just sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do, how to move, how to look at him, etc. We've been talking and it helps - he is letting me get out lots of anger - (not sure that's good but I certainly can't hold it in for too long)

Anyway, any other advice? help? prayers (please)

Hello,
I do not understand why it would have come from the department of revnue. If I was you I would talk to a lawyer. This does not make sense. I know another member on here and is in a similiar situation. She said if OC is two years old then your H does not have to do anything. Please talk to a lawyer.

Dawn

<small>[ November 17, 2002, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

I looked up florida department of revenue and there's a section on child support and establishing paternity even if you are married....truthfully I don't know. Only going by what my H says about b.c. His question to OW in the beginning is if I am the father of this c then why isn't my name on b.c.? So, we're looking for a lawyer tomorrow.
he doesn't want any contact with c - at least at this point. I think she wants $$$ so we'll go from there. My H is willing to pay whatever his responsibilities are. Truthully I'm praying it's not his but she seems certain (according to him).

Will let you know more when we speak to attorney.

angelica,

Please please please don't make the same mistake we did.

We took OW's word for it that my H was the husband of her child. Why shouldn't we have believed her? What woman wouldn't know who fathered her child.

We paid child support (not through courts) for 1.5 years ... had visitation. Introduced this child to our two very young children. told our family and pastor about the child.

Then last year about this time she started demanding more money. So we told her she'd have to take us to court to get more.

She did ... and guess what ... we requested DNA ... and turns out the child was her live in boyfriend's and not my H's.

So please please please. First see a lawyer and find out if you are obligated to even test if the H has already signed the birth certificate. He may have to "disprove" paternity before your H is tested. Since they were married at the time of conception I think you can insist on that first.

Once her H is ruled out to be the father, then and only then you should test before admitting, agreeing to or signing ANYTHING.

Some OW want so badly to believe that the MM is the father of their child. My OW was convinced. Even pointing out physical features she swore were exactly like my husbands. It was all in her mind and driven by her desire to want it to be his.

Be very careful .... and read all this site's valuable material. Work on your marriage each and every day. It will be so important to your recovery to deal with whatever DNA hands you.

Also ... you should be at each and every court appearance or meeting. You are a team and must remain and appear as a united front. He may have caused this situation himself, but it'll be you two as a team to pull yourselves through this mess. It'll make your marriage stronger in the long run.

Good luck, and keep posting.
Z.

Z - thanks for your advice. I really don't know much more about this situation than my H is telling me. he is being as upfront as he can. He knows the child is not named after him and he also says (according to OW) that hsi name is not no b.c. He doesn't even know the birthdate of c - strange to me but he told me that in the very first night.

he is calling lawyers today - I don't know what they can do but we'll see. yes, we for sure want a test. Neither of us plan to pay for something that is not his.

I will talk to him more about going to the paternity court date. I have offered but he keeps saying he doesn't want to put me through that. I don't know if it's because it will put me and OW face to face or not. Maybe he thinks she'll say mean things to me - I truthfully don't know. Anyway, thanks again for the advice.

Hello,
If you would like I can talk to you more off the board about Florida's laws. I know if they are married and her H is name on the BC then his is legal responsibily regardless of DNA, unless he already got test and DNA came back negative and requested his name off the BC. As for the BC, your H would have had to be at the hospital to sign the BC. You just cannot put someone's name on the BC without their consent.

Dawn

Dawn, yes I would like that. how do we talk?

Angelia:

ZB wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also ... you should be at each and every court appearance or meeting. You are a team and must remain and appear as a united front. He may have caused this situation himself, but it'll be you two as a team to pull yourselves through this mess. It'll make your marriage stronger in the long run. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't do what I did and that was listen to my H's atty. and stayed home...I should have been there beside my husband...who knows...it would have shown the Judge, the ex-ow and a few others that we are committed to our marriage and that I and my children had a face.

I vowed that in the future, God forbid, if Mr."T" ever had to go back and face ex-ow, then I will be there right beside him. Holding his hand, head held high.

I echo the advice here...get an Atty. (they know the law---that's their job) and they can show you the best way to handle whatever comes your way.

Another word of advice, while waiting for DNA...don't do what I did and convince yourself that it's not H's....just don't think about it...it will save you alot of heartache if it does come back in favor of your H. If it doesn't, then you get the proverbial, "get out of jail free card" and can rebuild your marriage and move on. I convinced myself that it wasn't Mr."T" and I have broken furniture, holes in walls and a broken finger as a result of when my dna test came in. I wanted to kill Mr."T". (Good thing I couldn't find my wooden bat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !)

Anyways...while waiting for the results to come in, Jennifer Harley Chalmers (Dr. Harley's daughter) counseled me on concentrating on my marriage, improving our relationship and communicating...that helped alot.

I hope it works out for you...we are praying that Lord willing, we will get a "free Parking" (adoption) out of all this...one can pray....

Keep us posted,

Hugs,
Twiisty

Angelia,

Welcome to the board. You have found a wonderful place for information and understanding.

I must agree with everyone else&#8217;s advice. Get a lawyer. Ask that exOW&#8217;s H disprove paternity then get a DNA test, if necessary. And definitely study the principals here on MB. Use the Policy of Joint Agreement in every aspect of this mess.

As far as your H not wanting to put you through this, try telling him that a united front in the courts is going to go in your favor. When the courts can see that a Married couple is working together through something like this, it can be a powerful tool.

I can say that I feel my situation is proof positive of this.

I have been involved with every aspect of the court business that is related to the exOW and the OC. The referee in our case has actually spoken to ME to see my feelings about watching Lil Bit (OC) while my H works. He took into consideration my feelings about the child before he set the Parenting time schedule. Thus, we have been given 51% of the time EACH week with Lil Bit.

Using the POJA, you and your H can come to an agreement on what to do in regards to everything. If you feel you need to be involved, ask for that. Negotiate as much as possible. Make sure both of you are in agreement. If there is no agreement, don&#8217;t do anything.

Keep reading and posting. The more you read the more you understand. The more you post, the more you can ask questions about what you don&#8217;t understand.

Hugs to you,

Angelia,
Email me and we can discuss this more indepth.
My email addy is *removed*

Let me know when you get it and I will remove it from the site.

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Stacia: got it....am sending e-mail.
Angie

Stacia,

go ahead and give angelica my email addy too ... if she wants it.

angelica ... do you have aol or aim?

Z.

I use hotmail. and I do have aim. I e-mailed Stacia my information - I suppose she can e-mail it to you too. Thanks.!

angelia--hugs to you, you must be in such turmoil and pain--what a way to find out abt your H's infidelity!!!
Anyway, I happen to know a bit abt Fl law and paternity cases involving married women. Is the OW divorcing/separated from her H? Or do they have an "intact" family? If she is essentially single, on her own and your H is proven to be the father through DNA testing then he is right to "step up to the plate" w/out a fight and set up the CS payments. It seems to me that the more quickly and quietly he does this the more time, money and unwanted contact w/OW he wastes.

However, if she is in an "intact" marriage and the dept of revenue seeking reimbursement from your H b/c he is the bio father and she has gone on welfare or some such then the fl law will be in your favor and will rule that it is not in the best interest of the child to disrupt an intact family--your H will be able to avoid ever even taking the dna test let alone pay CS. There are FL supreme court rulings as well as 5th circuit court of appeals rulings on intact vs. divorcing marriages.
get a SMART atty and GOOD LUCK

Mobe: I don't know the answer to your questions. I believe she is separated from her H. Maybe that's why it's happening. I don't know. The court summons wasn't very specific as to how, why, who's on b.c. etc.
Hubby got an appointment with an attorney for next Monday. i don't know who's smart or not. Truth of the matter is that he slept with this woman and no matter if he is father or not nothing can take away the pain of that. I keep going through these mood swings where I hate him, love him, want his penis removed by a blunt instrument (haha), mostly just wonder what in the hell was he thinking? I know he didn't have sex with her to make a child - just a byproduct nonetheless it HURTS!!! Just to be blunt....that's my husband and the thought of his most personal parts in another woman is SICKENING! How can you not think of that part? And to just kick me in the gut....I've always wanted children with him - he is so incredibly handsome and I always thought we would make cute babies. Long storyshort....my tubes were tied with first marriage - I tried to get them undone a few years back and doctor said it was not going to be possible. So,I really hate him for that.
I feel like a sitting duck just waiting to be SHOT! We have to wait until 12/30 to go to court and then I don't know what they are going to say. He doesn't want me in court with him which conjures up a whole nother set of questions for me. Why is that? afraid I'll hear more? I do't know. He seems to have come clean but who knows. I think I've said before that I DO NOT want this OC or OW in my life for the next 16-18 years. I do not want to lose our house, shirts, lifestyles, etc because he screwed up (literally)! I work hard and probably like most people our finances fit our lifestyle....so to add to it is gonna kill us. He is willing to work OT, etc. but it seems that we end up being the loser. His current family loses. So, what if he gets a p/t job or works o/t.We lose out on seeing him so he can afford his OC.
I am quite certain (just a gut feeling) that this OC is going to be his. don't know why I think that but I do. Will I ever get over the desire to stop by her house and see this child - does it look like him, etc?
Again, sorry for the rambling - all these feelings are new and I haven't told anyone so you folks on the board are so nice to listen.
Thanks for the hugs and information - it's VERY helpful!
Ang

Ang,
What you are feeling is very normal. You can ask Stacia for my e-mail address. She has it.

Dawn

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>