angelica,

a couple of months back we actually had a post about post d-day sex. the discussion was actually about how soon we all began having sexual relations with WS after d-day.

you said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My H is already ready to be intimate again - UGH and GROSS but in his head this A has been over for years and it's all a matter of finances and dna tests.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">there was a few BS who didn't jump right back on the wagon right away. Then there were others like me who resumed the night of D-day. I personally felt like I had to conquer him and "prove" to him I was better. For many many months after that I was still consciously trying to be better than her. Eventually over time as we re-connected spiritually and emotionally the competition faded and it was all about me and him.

There are many BS who describe crying each and every time after sex. I did that for a while too. It was very very painful, but a very necessary part of healing, and quite normal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In his head he is remorseful, sorry, sorry to have caused me this pain, sorry to have put us in this situation and is ready to move on.
Our whole marriage he wasn't one to dwell on issues - just keep moving, just keep living and keep getting up each day and figuring out a way to make things work. Well, this one isn't going his way.
i don't mean to make him sound so awful - I'm sure in his head it's over and now I should just move on too but I just am not getting over it fasat enough.
I cannot imagine being in this state 6 months or even a year from now. I think that will kill both of us.
So, I feel somewhat pressured (mostly by myself) to make some sort of decision. He desperately wants me to stay and he desperately wants me to go on. I desperately want that too.
I know I can't do the contact thing and I wonder in my mind if I'm waiting to see what he'll do if he is determined to be the father.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something I had to remind my H about over and over again was the fact that he has know about his affair for (you insert time here) and that it's going to take me at least that long to catch up to where he is right in this moment and time. Remind your H that he has a head start on coming to grips with what has happened and what he's done, you've only just started to travel that road.

And I know it's hard to imagine being this way for any longer than you already have been. But do know that the saying really is true ... it gets better over time.

Your heart will soften when it comes to your husband. Your heart will heal from all this pain. Your head will stop playing that video of all the aweful things they did together.

You will start to feel more and more like your old self and one day you will fall back in love with your husband.

It doesn't happen over night and it literally is inch by inch. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you husband is truely remorseful and committed to fulfilling your needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
If he choses to have contact or even acts like he wants to be in child's life (and subsequently the ow's) then I know it's over and I am just trying to save myself more agony</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I think of this senario is taking a leap of faith. You took a leap of faith the day you married him and now you are in the position to take another.

I took that leap and decided to love my husband regardless of what the contact situation ended up being.

I knew I loved my husband and I was going to fight for my marriage. I also knew that together he and I could make it through anything if we tried.

Did my heart get broken after that leap of faith? Yes ... a few times. He ended up having an emotional affair with our best friend. That was pure torture. But it was all apart of his own personal recovery. It was a scab tore open for me ... but it too eventually healed.

I hope I haven't rambled too long. I guess if I could say one thing to you it would be to give yourself time. Don't expect recovery over night. Do expect to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. Do get medical help for the rollercoaster if you can't seem to "function" during the lows. Do get some couseling if you find yourself needed to talk to a live human being who can help you sort out your feelings. Do encourage your H to read marriage builders materials so you can both be actively invovled in the rebuilding. Do complete the emotional needs questionnaire to better learn how to be better spouses to each other. And do pray to your higher power for peace of mind and heart and most importantly ... strength to continue the good fight.

best of luck friend,
Z.