catnip wrote: "you are [on] a crusade for sacrificing all for a child that is not yours."

I don't see it as "sacrificing all"--all children take time, effort, and accomadation, but having visitation w/my H's son and paying justly designated CS isn't "sacrificing all" IMO. I love my H despite his flaws. I made the decision to stay w/him and save our M despite the realization that he got another woman pregnant. I feel it will cripple his soul to turn his back on his son--his son has no other father figure--the OW is D, not a MOW.

"However, many of the women and men here along with their spouses have not "shunned" the OC...many have worked diligently to incorporate the OC into their lives but met with OW's opposition to their involvement. What say you on this quirky sedgway? When the OW makes it clear all she wants is the almighty dollar and refuses contact with OC, isn't it the prudent thing to walk away to protect the child from rancor and trauma?" i SAY IT'S A HEARTBREAK BUT AT LEAST THEY TRIED TO DO THE RIGHT THING--I KNOW THIS CAN HAPPEN. I FEEL ITS WRONG TO ADVISE OFF THE BAT THAT AS A RULE COUPLES SHOULD HAVE NC WHICH IS WHAT I UNDERSTAND DR H TO BE ADVISING--I THINK EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO 'STEP UP TO THE PLATE' AND I THINK IT WIIL MAKE A M STRONGER

And for those who choose No Contact because the Betrayed simply cannot deal with the presence of the OC at this particular time in the recovery, should not the husband pateinetly acquiesce until the time comes that the marriage has grown in strength where contact might be possible?
NO--I THINK THIS IS CRUEL BOTH TO THE OC AND THE WH--IF THE BW CAN'T 'HANDLE' THE REALITY OF THE OC THEN SHE SHOULDN'T STAY W/THE WH IMO--I KNOW THIS IS CONTROVERSIAL BUT I DON'T THINK A NON-PARENT SHOULD INSIST ON NC BETWEEN A PARENT AND HIS CHILD

And what about the children of origin? Do they not count and their feelings on the matter count as well? I GRW UP W/STEP AND HALF SIBLINGS AND LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS FULL

if the OW is so concerned about whether or not her child would ahve a father figure in her child's life, perhaps then she should have chosen her child's father more wisely and found someone unattached without a wife and children. ABSOLUTELY!! BUT THE MISTAKE WAS MADE BY BOTH AND NOW THERE IS AN INNOCENT CHILD WHO NEEDS LOVE

MALC No I'm not an ow--and in my case I feel sorry for my H's xOW but don't feel threatened by her--he made a very clear decision to stay w/me--he could have left months ago at DDay and didn't. I"M the one who is ambivilent abt staying. I realize it would be very difficult to see an oc if there was a strong possibility that the WH and OW would "fall in love" all over again. I guess I feel that if that happens so be it--i don't want a M where I'm desperately holding on--I've made it very clear he is free to go back to her if he wants.

Hi Mobe
Once again I just find your action puzzling.
Also I don't see it being desperate, holding on to your marriage by any means nescessary.

Doesn't the marriage Vows say for richer and poorer for better or worse. So if these are the constitution of a marriage ordain by God,
you characterize saving a marriage as being desparate if NC is an option by H& W. This is my quote below trying to understand your position. You are forcing you H to have contact with OC isn't that a big LB ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">desperate if a H & W chooses no contact with OC child due to circumstances that are unberable to the soul and spirit and fiber of the immediate parties involved and detrimental to everyone H & W</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'M JUST NOT FEELING YOU ON THIS , NOT BEING SARCASTIC JUST SOMETING ISN'T RIGHT HERE JUST MY OBSERVATION (NOT MEANING IT'S FACTS).

Thanks Mobe

Mobe,
I think the point that is trying to be made to you is that on the MB site and according to MB principles, the parent-child relationship is secondary to the husband-wife relationship. If you can take care of what's wrong in the marriage FIRST, everything else should fall into place. OCs and even children of the home come second BUT like anything else I guess there ARE exceptions. Let's say, the H was physically or sexually abusing the children. In that situation, no matter how much you love the H, you would have to put your children first. Most people would probably lose the love for, would not respect, and could not stay married to a man that would physically or sexually abuse children. In your situation, it's probably the same feeling you would have if your H refused to acknowledge his OC. If he "turned his back on his own flesh and blood" -to you, that would make you lose love and respect for your H and make you not want to stay with him. Every situation is different and if that's what works for you and what you feel in heart heart is the right thing to do, more power to you. We don't all have to agree with each other to feel like our POV is valid.

Queen, I was just wondering what happened? Did the OW go through with it and how are you holding up?

Ditto that question. This post really got off-track. :-(

Yes this is Queenie's thread!!! Sorry about that--let us know what happened--I am praying for you!

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: queen147 ]</small>

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 02:01 AM: Message edited by: queen147 ]</small>