Joshmom,

could you elaborate a bit on how the OW pays? I am asking this resepectfully. I am interested in knowing how it affects the OW's side of things. I am asking this nicely and not to start a flame war or anything. It might help me to understand some things. I've often wondered if my H's ex-ow "paid" for it in other ways and this might give me understanding....

If you wish to e-mail me off board, let me know.

Thanks,
Twiisty

By the way,

My H's ex-ow told me on the phone, "you are not a part of the picture." She also told me that me and my children mean "sh*t" to her and that she wasn't going to let my Husband go.

That was one of the clinchers for us in deciding on No Contact. If our OW wanted contact, then she just cooked her goose by going about it the wrong way. But Mr."T" was pretty much adament about adoption as his option. I don't think it would be fair to the OC in our situation because I would be fighting her mother, "Psychotic" woman, left and right. How sad.

Twiisty

On the forum that Joshmom moderates there are some OW complaining about having to deal with the wife. I just don't get it, don't they realize the situation they are walking into? The wife is not going to just disappear. They will also say that the W is just as much to blame because she stayed with him once she learned of the OC. Sorry but a kid is no guarantee he will leave...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by twiisty:
<strong>Joshmom,

could you elaborate a bit on how the OW pays? I am asking this resepectfully. I am interested in knowing how it affects the OW's side of things. I am asking this nicely and not to start a flame war or anything. It might help me to understand some things. I've often wondered if my H's ex-ow "paid" for it in other ways and this might give me understanding....

If you wish to e-mail me off board, let me know.

Thanks,
Twiisty</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Twiisty - I'll answer you - but can't right now because I'm at work - but wanted you to know that I did see this, and will get back atcha. Same for the other post you did.
Happy Monday...

Jaggerslady,
I see you are a Junior so I thought maybe I would fill you in on the bylaws of the OW club.

1. The wife should shut up and take whatever OW dishes out because she was stupid enough to stay. But the OW should NEVER shut up and take it because she was stupid enough to get involved with a married man. After all, they were in lloovvveee and EVERYBODY owes her something because she in NO way was responsible for getting pregnant.
2. The children's well being MUST always come first. Unless it is the child of the marriage then their well being doesn't mean [censored]. These are the same women that gave NO thought to the emotional damage their affair would cause these children if they were caught.
3. No child should ever have to do without ANYTHING. Unless it is the children of the marriage. The children of the marriage should be willing to do without everything but the bare essentials just for the privilage of allowing OC to have EVERYTHING.
4. It is OK for an OW to sleep with a MM because his needs are not being met at home. It is not OK for him to leave OW, that makes him a coward. It has nothing to do with the fact that once she is pregnant the fantasy is over and life comes crashing down and he remembers how much he loves his wife.
5. The wife should have NO say in any matters regarding OC just because OW gave her a stepchild she didn't want. After all, MM is just her H and we all know that doesn't count for anything.

I'm sure I have left some out but that is all I can think of right now.

jtigger

Just wanted to try to prevent something before it starts. IMHO, findingmywayback (under another account name on the board Joshmom moderates ... yes, I checked it, it's her) has already stirred up enough problems over there. We already had a rather long flamewar (including an attempt ... on her part, I might add ... to even spread it beyond the OC board). I am only posting to prevent this becoming a board war, since she made a point of mentioning the other board just now. Normally, I would not take it as instigation. But considering the way she was fanning the flames over there, one must wonder.

Obviously, the rather long discussion that occured over there -- (and yes, I'm pleased to say that many of the ladies ... including ladies from here IIRC (thanks twisty) ... did try to keep it as a discussion rather than merely a flame war) -- touched on many many issues, and cannot simply be summed up by any single paragraph here. Especially when it's possible that that paragraph was written as a neon sign to instigate something.

So I ask this ... no flame wars ... no board wars. Do not let any "stirring of the pot" work.

friendofk (chudP ... who will not be getting involved in such a war here, and who highly recommends we be vigilant against a board war)

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ChudP needs to give it a rest. This is about the ADULTS in the situation, not condemning the children. It's about how the ADULTS are acting and how it affects (condemns you could say...) the children. I DON'T GIVE A RATS PATOOTY IF CHUDP IS AN OC, I have nothing against someone who is innocent in situation. GEEZ!

If you will kindly re-read my post, you will see that it had absolutely nothing to do with what I am or am not. It was about one thing and one thing only ... preventing what I feared could lead to board wars. You fanned the flames as hard as you could over there. You tried to make it spread over there. So while your sudden appearance on this particular board (sub-board?) may be entirely coincidental, and your mention of the flames you just fanned over on the other board may be merely a slip of the tongue ... it certainly makes one wonder.

As I clearly stated ... I urge all to not let a board war erupt. People have been posting back and forth in a peaceful and friendly manner as of late, and I believe that's good for *all* involved.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: friendofk ]</small>

If you will check the title of this post, it relates to the discussions going on over there presently. Wouldn't you say that forum is a great place to get inside the OW's mind? WARNING: Do not go over to a site like this unless you are prepared. It's pissing me off and I don't even have an OC to deal with.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jtigger:
<strong>
I'm sorry. I was going to stay out of this thread all together, but I have to respond here to a couple of things.

1. The wife should shut up and take whatever OW dishes out because she was stupid enough to stay. But the OW should NEVER shut up and take it because she was stupid enough to get involved with a married man. After all, they were in lloovvveee and EVERYBODY owes her something because she in NO way was responsible for getting pregnant.
Not true. Speaking for myself here, but I don't dish ANYTHING out to the wife. Honestly, I'll never understand why she stayed - but that's not for me to figure out, or even know. It's her life, and his. Not mine. And I've been shutting up and taking it for 6 years, sorry.

2. The children's well being MUST always come first.
That's the only part of that statement that I see as true. And I think that regardless of the situation.
3. No child should ever have to do without ANYTHING. Unless it is the children of the marriage. The children of the marriage should be willing to do without everything but the bare essentials just for the privilage of allowing OC to have EVERYTHING.
Again, the 1st part is the only part I PARTIALLY agree with. My son goes without a LOT. But he's got a bed to sleep in, 3 meals a day, shoes on his feet, and clothes to wear. He's got the essentials. Anything above that, I pay for. Nobody else.
4. It is OK for an OW to sleep with a MM because his needs are not being met at home. No, actually it's NOT OK. It is not OK for him to leave OW, that makes him a coward. Seeing as how many OW have been "left", I can't agree with that. I think that a man that can't take responsibilities for his action, or tries to deny it, is a coward, though. It has nothing to do with the fact that once she is pregnant the fantasy is over and life comes crashing down and he remembers how much he loves his wife. OK - I'll give you that.
5. The wife should have NO say in any matters regarding OC just because OW gave her a stepchild she didn't want. After all, MM is just her H and we all know that doesn't count for anything.
If the wife is willing to step in and be a stepparent to the OC, then kudos to her. It takes a strong woman to be able to do that. If the wife has threatened the child in any way, then no, I don't think that she should have a say.

I'm sure I have left some out but that is all I can think of right now.

jtigger</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Joshmom,

You truly are a classy lady ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
But unfortunatly from the experiences most of us have had you are the exception, not the rule.
You and I both have been around long enough to know that the usual battle cry from most OW is take him for every single dime you can get and be dam*ed what horrible consequences the financial hardship causes his wife and kids. In all the reading I have done on the different boards not once have I read that an OW was the slightest bit concerned about the hardship she was causing the children of the marriage. Sometimes the hypocrisy absolutely gags me. I don't how they can stand up and scream about how the needs of the children should come first and then place the children of the marriage in hardship without so much as a kiss my a$s. They should at least be honest enough to stand up and say they don't give a rat's behind about those children instead of throwing hysterics about the injustice of it all.
Sometimes we might get a little rough over here but at least we are honest.
I don't know the story of your xMM but I wish you would at least consider this. You said you "considered " abortion but it wasn't for you. At least you had that choice. To expect a man to be overjoyed about a child he did not want and can do nothing about is unrealistic.

Thanks Tigger - I just try and be objective, I guess, and look at something from all sides. I've met people that have been absolutely screwed by the system - mothers AND fathers. It happens in all situations - divorce, separation, and ones such as this. Some people just don't care, and it's sad. They'd rather think of themselves and what THEY want then what is important - the kids (all of them).

And I never considered abortion - I did consider adoption. But in the end, couldn't do it. And xMM and I had discussed having children together, he and another family member had it planned that they were both going to leave their wives at the same time (the buddy system perhaps?). Well, he obviously didn't. Said he couldn't do it unless he absolutely KNEW that I'd be there for him. I was living with my sister with a 2 month old at the time, and told him he needed to do it for HIM, not me, and that if he DID do it just for me, that he'd end up resenting me if it didn't work out. He was around for the 1st year, and even asked if I'd change Josh's last name to his IF WE GOT MARRIED. At this point, I had a clue (finally) and laughed and said "sure - if we get married I'd be more than happy to change his name to yours".
sorry, didn't mean to ramble..

*edited to add*

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: JoshMom ]</small>