Hello babstr,
Hope your day is a little brighter today!!! I am on day 13 since D-day and each day seems to leave me with new emotions that I must just deal with as they come.
I have had some awful news today. My husband is soon to be deployed also. He will leave in May for six months. I am crushed and do not know what to think or do. My thoughts are racing thinking the last deployment he was on for 90 days he had sex with someone. I just feel like throwing in the towel and giving up right now. If anyone has advice PLEASE help.
Thanks, Kimmierw <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kimmierw,

As I stated in an earlier post to Babstr, I have been through many 6 month deployments, and know what you are feeling right now! The best thing that I can tell you right now is to work on your M as much as you can for the next couple months! How willing is your H to rebuild your M? It's hard work, but SO worth it if you both want this M to work and survive! Many M's have gone through what most would think would destroy it, but have been so much better when all is said and done! And, share your fears with your H in the next couple weeks! That way you can both work on these problems before he leaves!

I hope that I helped in some way!

Tigger
(another military wife who's been there!)

Hey tigger4jdt

Thanks for your words of encouragement!!!!!!! My h is very willing to work on our M. I am just having problems with this because he tells me there was nothing wrong with our M to begin with. He says that his infidelity was a mistake that happened, not because anything was wrong in our M.
My problem is if nothing was wrong how do I fix what isn't there? Of course now we have problems because he had sex with someone twice.
My H has told me he will do whatever if takes to keep our M together and doesn't want me to give up yet. I am just feeling so drained emotionally with all of this crap that it seems easier to walk away, considering I did nothing to bring it on.
I know you have been in my situation when your H was deployed and I guess I can not see how I am going to not go insane while he is gone. I feel like I will be constantly thinking he is cheating again. Is two months enough time to build some trust? Please help???!!!!!!
Kimmierw <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

K,

Sorry to hear about your situation. As most people will say you've come to a good place for support, comfort and advice. Two months can be a lifetime for some marriages. If your H really is ready to work on the M, both of you might want to do the EN questionaire together. Even though he says there was nothing wrong, it might point out something he hadn't thought of. Same thing of you.

I understand some people don't like this question, but I'll ask it anyway. How is your all's walk with God? I believe, for mny people, the better our walk withth e one who designed marriage, the better our marriage will be.

BTW, Johnh39 gave you some very good advice in one of your earlier posts on an other thread. The information here is priceless.

Do you think your H is open to using the tools provided here? Also, is there someone in his squadron the he is willing to be accountable to during the deployment? He might need to tell this AP (Accountablility Partner) what is going on, but it might help setyour mind at ease.

Keep us posted.

God bless you.

S&C

Kimmierw,

I couldn't say it any better than S&C just said it! There may be some underlying factor that neither you nor your H recognize at this point that the EN questionaire could reveal! See if your H is willing to look into this site! Also, get some support for yourself during his deployment! I found w/my H's last deployment that a women's bible study did wonders for my fears! Also, I was able to share with them(because I felt comfortable doing it) our full situation! It is amazing when good, christian women hear of what you've been through, how much support they can and do offer in your time of need! It is definately do-able, but it will take work on both your parts!

Hope that I have helped again!

Tigger

Oh, LOVE the "accountability partner" idea!!! Good job steadfast! A good husband ought to be willing to do this honestly, in the name of rebuilding trust.

Yes Kimm, 2 months IS too soon to expect rebuilt trust!!! Esp. when he's not home to demonstrate any trust-building activities!!! Estimated recovery time from affair is 2 years, and that doesn't include OC situations.

Best wishes to all,
J
military wife 17years; H recently home from LONG deployments

Thanks everyone for some great advice. Last night me and h sat down and filled out the EN questionairre and the LB questionairre. When we reviewed our answers we did discover some need for improvement on both our parts and talk about how we could better meet each other's needs.

However, he was still unable to answer my question as to 'why' or 'what' caused him to have sex with someone else if he says he loves me. Is this possible or just a line of c**p?

I have been sharing the comments I recieve here with him and asked him how he felt about the suggestion of him having an accountability partner while he was deployed. He said whatever it takes to help us work through this he will do. Well, enough of me rambling on, but, thanks again to everyone here at mb for your support and advice.
kimmierw <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, he was still unable to answer my question as to 'why' or 'what' caused him to have sex with someone else if he says he loves me. Is this possible or just a line of c**p? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kimmierw,

I have learned going two years into this that there may never be an answer to that question. I am supposed to be my husband's "love of his life" and he still managed to do what he did and create an OC out of it.
I understand through marriage counseling the circumstances surrounding it, how he felt at that time, and the effects it had on him, but there never is a good enough reason for "WHY". I also discovered had he had a good enough reason for WHY...it wouldn't be good enough for me.

Continue with the MB principles and working together to improve what you discovered needs improving...
I don't believe it's a line if your husband is genuinely doing all he can to make it work with you. Sometimes we do stupid choices and decisions at the spur of the moment and it grants us a lifetime of dealing with consequences to actions.

It's a step by step process. Keep us posted on how y'all are doing.

Prayers,
Twiisty

babs...

Are you around? How are you doing?

S&C

ok, I never saw the post that started this whirlwind post. I do believe I mentioned right off the bat that I am worried about my H going to war, and not possibly coming back. I think Easy E should reread my post.

I left town for a little while and missed all of this. I assure you that most of my time IS spent worrying about him not coming home, about him going somewhere that he could be harmed. But I also can't sit around and function thinking that all the time. I have concerns in all areas of my life because of this. My biggest being the well being of my h and the security of my children. Him cheating is far on the list, but it is on the list.

Easy E because I didn't see the post I can only assume you opened both barrels on me, for what reason I don't know. Yes, I do think that our country takes things for granted. I didn't think I was ever sounding selfish. I am just scared and worried about everything. Three years ago I came here and it was like a family. Yes, there can be debate. But there shouldn't be verbal bashing when someone is hurting.

I am hanging in there and I don't sit and worry about the chance of betrayal again. If it is going to happen there isn't much I can do. I know that I would never know unless he once again got someone knocked up.

I am basically trying to stay positive send care packages and take care of my girls. Everything was going well in our marriage, but like before things were great before the screw up, thus my concern. Thank youv everyone for words of kindness. i will try to address everone later, right now I have an infant in my arms, and a four year old in the tub. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

babstr

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: babstr ]</small>

Babstr,

I am glad that you are getting on with normal life, as much as you can during this time! If there is anything further that you have concerns about, I am always willing to lend a sholder to cry on, having been there myself! Just wanted to give you an uplifting hug for the weekend!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Babstr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love,

Tigger

babstr,

Just wanted to know I'll be praying for you too. Don't know how much help I can be. I was never the spouse of a millitary service person, but I was a military brat during the Vietnam War and grew up around military bases all my life and had friends ship out all the time. So I saw what the spouses went through.

Anyway, I'm gonna double tigger's hug for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Babstr}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have the best weekend you can and God bless you.

S&C