LJ,
Crazy for feeling jealous of the oc? Heck no, not at all. I'd say that you just a normal human being dealing with an emotionally charged situation. This child currently represents probably the most painful experience of your lifer. At this point you probably see her as an extention of xow and that relationship, even though it is over now.

The big thing is that your mind is open and you aren't willing to throw it all way over the A. LJ, you were left out. Your H probably felt backed into a corner. We are animals afterall. When we get backed up, we act out of fear and desperation. That was then however and the discovery of the contact set forth a clean slate in my opinion. Just think where would you be if the hidden contact when on for years before it was discovered. Your H wasn't thinking clearly if he thought he could hide his contact from you forever. I see this as a blessing in disquise for you two to really start anew.

I really empathize with your H as well. He made bad choices. I know what it's like to make a mistake. We all make them, none of us are perfect beings. Yet I sense he is a man of great character and values inspite of his bad decisons. He didn't want to lose you or his D. LJ, he sounds like a guy with a big heart, with room for all of his children and his wife.

cm

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

if your h wants contact with oc and you want to make your m work, i don't see any other choice but to accept the oc in your life. i imagine it won't be easy for you, but you have a lot going for you that most bw don't.

if i recall your situation correctly, the ow didn't know your h was married and dropped him like a hot potato when she found out. it sounds like she would have no problem with you being in the oc's life and you would not have to worry about her playing the games that some ow play (i.e. h must have visitation at her home w/o you).

i think not only could you learn to love the oc, but your h would have to be in awe of the woman standing strong by his side handling the situation with grace and dignity.

good luck to you.

lj
no one wants to see someone give up on their mariage if they truly dont want to. I have been married 19 years and I dont want my marriage to end. I was devistated when my husband seperated.
I am not just a ws, I have been a betrayed spouse, I know what it is like to cry for hours on end and wish everything back to normal. I know what it is like to hate some woman who stepped into your shoes and didnt give a crap who they were hurting, I have been that bs, more than a dozen times, you would be suprised if you new how many.
I understand your trying to deal with something incredibly painful and you dont know how to love a child that represents so much pain in your life. But I just think going to your husband and telling him all that you have said here, would make new doors open for you.

I think a marriage is compromise on both parts, poja, you have to both agree to do something, that makes sense, but sense we all have different feelings and believe different things in order to work on agreeing, we have to compromise.
Not just you, him as well.

Your husband was wrong for doing this in secret, and I know you feel he had know choice, he did and again he made a poor one, but you now know why he made the choice.
Try and imagine if someone came to you,and said for you to love me I want you to get rid of your child and never look at him/her again ?
Thats what the husband is hearing. and how does a man seperate a child he knows is his from the rest of his life, some are not able to.
we have to deal with many things including om and his wife, and while not always pleasant it has to be done.
Dont misunderstand he was wrong to do what he did, I am not saying he wasnt, I just think it can be fixed, but I think your asking too big of a price. You knew of the affair,a nd you took him back and accepted this had happened. Then you have to find someway to move past so you can both heal.
kids are funny, they have a way of making you love them when you get to know them. Sometimes its just a smile and you melt.
Not always I know, but I wish there was a way you could share with your husband some other ideas to make this work, or let him see there are situations out there that do work, with extreme patience and self control.
This child is your childrens half sibling and one day, maybe not now, but they might all need each other and can be a family, Children are able to love with out so many conditions as adults put on love.
would be great if we all could. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But since we cant no reason to beat your self up. This isnt your fault, it just needs a new direction thats all. when something is worth saving we work hard at finding the way through it. I hope couseling works, sounds like you both want to work it out.

I pray I get through this I have been consumed by it. My older son is home with me tonight I really miss having him around, I'm blessed with 2 great sons who love me and care for me but also keep in touch with their dad who also loves them. This situation is like a soap opera it seems so made up but I keep saying "No this is my life" I'm still am numb but I will keep plugging away and hoping we can get through this awful mess. I have to really look deep inside myself and see if I can handle the OC and the betrayal of my H. In away I'm afraid because I don't think I had to ever look deep before, What will I find? Well my son wants to watch a movie with me so I am off. Thank you all. LJ

to all,

Let me tell you what Steve Harley would say.

To those who say the BS must accept the OC if WS wants contact with child: it too is a demand on part of WS. When the WS goes behind the back of the BS, and visits the OC, it is not making the marriage a priority and it is hurting the spouse. How can one defend doing this when this action clearly may hurt a spouse who does not wish contact?

A demand is a demand no matter who makes it. It is first and foremost the job of WS to make BS feel safe, secure, and important. Going behind BS' back to see OC, no matter how allegedly moral and well intentioned, is not helping marriage nor building safety in the marriage. And contact with OW or OM should not happen, period. There is no excuse for that for marriage to be saved.

That would be the Harley opinion. the couple has to decide together the extent of or if contact with OC will occur. Not the BS, not the WS. That is how it should happen. To not do that, causes ruination of marriage for sure.

unhappy wife, I agree with your post. The marriage has to come first. If betrayal continues, how can the marriage?

ember

lj,,,,,, i remember very clearly how much it hurt to see grace and fh(fullhouse) together. i was very jealous amd hurt because i only saw the om in the baby at first. it took me a couple of weeks to start to even help with her. the change for me started while watching our older c's with the baby. they simply loved her as their sister. it really opened my eyes and heart to grace. now i feel that even if fh and i were to divorce i would want to see grace as much as my bio kids.

i understand your h's desire to see the oc as he may feel that he needs to protect his little girl. he doesn't however seem to be interested in the ow from what your posts say. i would venture to say that he probably feels the same way fh, mo5, and all mothers and real parents do about their c's. he is not looking at the childs conception but rather her existence.

ultimatums rarely work as has been said here. i don't think their have been any ultimatums in your situation either. instead i see a difference of opinion the same that i had with fh when i was pressing her for adoption early in our situation. we both had choices to make she couldn't adopt and i couldn't throw her out for keeping her child. so we slowly worked out a compromise.

there are still many hurdles to cross but we are moving forward.

maybe you can try to remember who you were prior to your marriage. i am in no way suggesting divorce and i know you miss your h dearly but remember their is more to you then your h. try doing something for yourself like maybe treat yourself to a womens day spa or manicure / pedicure combo.

it may not seem so now but the sun is shining for you somewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree that demands don't work. It sounds from LJ's posts that her H realizes that he shouldn't have gone behind her back for contact. The fact that he did may be alot of things, to me, it is most telling of his strong desire for contact with his D. Contact is one of the big issues that they must face and are willing to face. LJ hasn't closed her mind to that option. I personally admire her as a human being simply for considering it. It takes a secure person, man or woman, to deal this facet of an A. I also feel that her H is a pretty amazing person for doing the morally correct thing out of a morally wrong decison. He was completely in the wrong to chose an A to solve his problems. However like someone already mentioned on this thread, this isn't about how to punish the ws; it is about not repeating what doesn't work and finding new solutions and still having a marriage if that is what both people want.

hello everyone,
Another day to go through this is he!! on earth, I am so sad I can't control my tears and I want to be happy again. We have so..... long to go with this (baby steps)and there are times I just don't want to deal with it but I have too! No chooses for me yet maybe down the long dark road I can make decision about my own life and how I would like it to go.
My sister and best friend are taking me out tonight for a cange of scenery I really don't feel up to it but I should at least try it might help. Tomorrow we see mc I hope all goes well. I'll let you guys know how it went. Pray of us!!! LJ

Prayers going out for you and H with this MC! Let us know how your evening out goes too!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Tigger

Well I hope you allow yourself to enjoy your night out with the girls...

Speaking of girls do you think you feel jealous of the OC because she's a baby girl, something that you and your husband never experienced together?

If that is the case well one good side is that he won't be expecting YOU to have another baby just so he can get a daughter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding... Well, it sounds like you two still love each other.

He probably feels like a dufus for putting you through a D-day all over again, and like he's between a rock and a hard place. His decision to sneak behind your back yet again has impaired your recovery, but not totally destroyed it because you still love each other. This puts you in a prime position to negotiate a reasonable agreement through using Plan B! What if you let him see OC, but only if you let your presence be known for xOW's benefit? In other words, your presence demonstrates a united front between your husband and yourself to xOW?

It does sound like you two could work this out but like unhappy wife said, you have got to be able to trust this person and he keeps destroying your trust!

Even if he wants to have contact with the OC, he has got to be able to secure you in his love to such a degree that you do not feel overshadowed by his infidelity.

You cannot expect to rebuild on a foundation of more lies...

Forgiving him doesn't mean you have tossed your self-respect to the sideline. Forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it has to be earned. But trusting him will be a long, long process. Is he willing to do the kind of work it will take to win back your trust and the trust of your boys?

It's really up to you to say if he will have this chance or not. You are holding all the cards right now, IMO...

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Hi, I haven't been around for a while had hysterectomy and have been in an awful lot of pain these days. Well enough of that I would just like to say I feel for you and know exactly where you are coming from. Tyme and Pops gave you excellently advice. My thoughts about their replies is as follows. What if you try to be a part of this childs life with H? You will never know how you feel unless you try it. My heart and mind has been telling me the same things OC will be constant reminder of A. However, if I want to save my marriage I cannot expect him to turn his back on his only child for our marriage even with the circumstances. The child is innocent as well as I. He is willing to have me and child visitations only with me so I will give it a try if proven I can not handle it at least I tried. I am not completely over this thing either but, I have made tremendous progress and God is guiding my every move I pray daily sometimes two, three times a day. Another thing if you get back with H same thing that Tyme stated you are stuck with the cheater, adultery and all those other negative things and the OW knows that was well. That will help her move on knowing you settled for his behaviour and chose to stay with him. I am not saying this to sway your either way I am saying H is no good either way you look at it. But, he will be held accountable for his sins one way or another.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> God bless you and good luck to you.