Amy -

I'm gonna be "devil's advocate" here and raise a point that will probably get all the other MB folks mad at me. (They'll probably say I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, and they just might be correct.)

But first, I want you to know that I wish you and everyone else here nothing but happiness in their lives, regardless of the decisions you must make, and if I could "fix" all the hurt we feel with a "magic" posting I would do it!

To the point: you and hubby are both very young, you haven't been married long, you have no other children, and you obviously have positive feelings towards your kid's father. Why not divorce your hubby and marry the OM?

Your hubby is young, so if you divorced now he would have plenty of time to find another woman he could raise a family of his own with.

But the most IMPORTANT reason I mention this is for the child's sake. Because of your age, and because this is your first kid, I wonder if your hubby will ever totally accept it? What happens when the two of you have children of your own?

I don't intend for this post to be hurtful or disrespectful, and if it is I'm really sorry. You are at a very important decision making point in your young life, (gosh, I can't even REMEMBER what being 23 feels like!), and lots of people will be affected in the future by decisions you make now, so please, please, please think this through.

I know I'll get slammed for this, but staying married isn't always the best thing to do. To put it another way, I don't think staying married FOR THE SAKE OF HONORING THE MARRIAGE INSTITUTION is as important as doing what is best for all the people involved. But having said that, if you and hubby have already determined to stay together, I wish you the best, and if you both work at it I'm postive that you two will succeed and be happy.

Best of luck to you and your loved ones wherever life leads you.

k -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">although you may be able to find a good counselor through your local search, you will probably have to wade through a bunch of bad ones. Use some of the Harley's advice on "what to look for in a marriage counselor" to help you search. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks for the advice. i'll look it up. i'd love talk to the harleys, but it's just too expensive... we wouldn't be able to eat that month! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bowd -

thanks for taking the time to share your story. you sound like a very patient and understanding man who really loves his wife. wow. i hope she appreciates it! i know how hard it's been for my h to deal with this p and i can truly appreciate how big a sacrifice it is for him and what an amazing guy he is for putting up with me and all this mess.

when you mentioned your wife's reasons for not telling om about the baby, you said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2. She does not want to wreck his life (he is very young)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that made me laugh! h and i are 23 and om is 21... do i know how to mess up my life early, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

i will definitely take your advice as to time and patience as you seem to have an excellent grasp on those two things yourself. and thanks for the quote about being "right" or being "married". great point.

btdt -

i'm not sure if twisting things around to encourage bad feelings for om is going to work. if not protecting my marriage is going to be the basis for hating someone, then i'd have to throw myself in that category too. i'm having a hard enough time forgiving myself as it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i've never really been one to out and out hate someone. there are people whose company i enjoy less than others, but i don't generally "hate" people. not something i want to "work on" either. besides, if we do at some point go the contact route (like mo5 said) it wouldn't be a good idea for this kid's parents to hate eachother. but since that decision has yet to be made, we'll cross that bridge when we get there...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can hate the fact that he took advantage of your emotions. I don't know how your affair got started, but he probably listened to your complaints about things at home (I'm just guessing), but he did nothing to try to point you back to home. That was kind of a "snakey" thing to do, huh?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">didn't exactly happen that way... we worked together 8+ hours a day, walked to and from work together 20 mins each way, had loads in common, lots of mutual friends so spent most nights and weekends together (along with h), felt very safe and comfortable together cause i WAS married <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . then throw in the fact that i was feeling very lonely and neglected at home. one night we all planned to go dancing, h decided he didn't want to go, told me to call om... this happend a lot. if h wanted to take our one saturday a month off together and spend 8-10 playing two rounds of golf, he'd tell me to call om. if he was going to play roller hockey - call om. if he decided to bail out of plans at the last minute - call om. if i needed a ride someplace, wanted to watch some artsy movie that h didn't, needed someone to help me pick out new rollerblades - call om. see the pattern?

so take two young, compatible "friends" who've already established a close relationship and mental attraction, throw them into a steamy dance club, mix in a bit too much gin, and you get the start of something pretty intense. recipe for disaster, eh. by the time h "woke up", it was too late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see what else? Ummmm, you could hate the fact that xOM is willing to walk away from you without insisting on contact with his biological son. Does xOM know about OC? Sorry if I overlooked that...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">om does know about the baby. he didn't walk away from me and his son - i walked away from him. if he had his way, he and i would raise this baby together and be a family. BUT he knows it's not up to him. he let me know what it was he'd like to come of this situation, but was also willing to respect my decision. if my decision was to stay with h, he (om) just wanted to be sure that h would be able to love me and this child and be the husband/daddy we'd need.

obviously i think he can! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

to all -

this is notice to hearby replace all use of the word "compromise" with the word "negotiate". hopefully this will clear up any confusion caused by my semantic ignorance! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> yikes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

amy

doofus -

thank you for your post and the spirit in which it was written. i'm not insulted/angry/hurt/etc at all. you raised some good points and ones that both h and i have mulled over, fought over, cried over, and prayed over for the last seven months.

yes, h and i are both young (as is om) and, if we divorced, both of us stand a great chance of leading very happy, fullfilling lives. believe me (!), the prospect of divorce has seem mighty tempting at times... the thought of not having to deal with all this (the a, the p, the baby) and not having to deal with all the issues and hurt that lead up to it. we've been close to calling it quits a couple times.

so what stopped us?

was it some burning desire to "honor the marriage institution"? uh let's see... i'd just admitted to having an affair with a good friend of both mine and h less than two years after we were married... obviously the holy institution of marriage wasn't real high on my list of priorities! i know infidelity is no laughing matter - just trying to make my point.

the thing that really made me think about what i wanted was when my h asked me "if you could have the life you wanted and the marriage you dreamed of, would i be part of that picture?" my answer - yes!! then we found harley's books and this site and i started to believe that it might actually be possible for me and h to love eachother again. not just "like we did before", but more than that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But the most IMPORTANT reason I mention this is for the child's sake. Because of your age, and because this is your first kid, I wonder if your hubby will ever totally accept it? What happens when the two of you have children of your own?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if you look at some of my earlier threads, you'll see that these are exactly some of the questions i had myself. if it hadn't been for a huge amount of effort on my h's part and a lot of talking about the baby and how he's feeling about it, we probably would be divorced right now. i love/respect/admire/adore my dad so much, and he's been such a huge factor in my life, that i just couldn't imagine not giving this child the opportunity to be loved as deeply and unconditionally by the man he'll see as dad. BUT, my h has come SUCH a long way! i no longer have those same doubts.

when i first came to this site, i read in the q&a section dr harley advice to a couple who're facing the same situation of the wife being p by the om. he tells them to stay together cause the m can be saved, etc, but then in parenthasis says that if this had been their first child, he would recommend divorce. i was like, "whoa! what's that? why'd he say that?!" at that point, so soon after d-day, i thought i'd be happy to have someone tell me to go ahead and be with om. but at the same time it bothered me that dr harley thought we'd be better off divorced. maybe i'm just too stubborn to let someone tell me i can't succeed at something! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ha! i'll show YOU, dr harley!

thanks again for your post,

amy