I'm actually going through a case of Lying problem with my husband. We have almost the best relationship but he does the worst thing which is lying to me about silly things. For exm. with Porn when he rents it and doesn't tell me and watches it behind my back. And i DO NOT have a problem with porn but with the Lies. I've talked to him hundreds of times and told him that he has no need to lie because i'll always try to understand. He says he's sorry, he will not do that again and next thing I find is a hidden porn video somewhere. This hurts a lot: it's like he doesn't trust me and that makes me not trust him to me. I don't know what to do.

i have similar issues with my partner.

he rarely lies about anything really serious, but he will lie about his finances so as not to worry me, and other things he thinks might hurt me, when it hurts me much more when i find out he lied.

maybe you could agree to watch some porn with him? there is no harm in trying, and he may feel more comfortable discussing these things with you. he will see you as open minded and accepting, and appreciate the effort you made for him.

direct him to the policy of radical honesty, and explain its benefits to your relationship.

good luck

Hi All:

I had this problem for much of our marriage. Even though she had a reasonably open attitude towards porn, she also did have her objections. But any objection she made spun me into the realm of having to hide it behind her back. So I did hid it from her, pretty much anytime I had the chance to be alone at home. It became a compulsion. In the end, this dishonest behavior snowballed and led to a breakdown in my overall morality. I betrayed her with a physical tryst the first time after four years of marriage. It happened again about six more times over the ensuing 12 years. It was all about just hiding something behind her back. Porn at first, then infidelity. Like grass leading to stronger drugs. It is an addiction, a compulsion. Gradually, my guilt just destroyed me. I confessed all to her and she immediately left me. I tell you this because perhaps your husband has some guilt deep inside him which he is unable to share. Talk to him, and help him clear the air.

Standing in Finland

I am sorry I can't offer any solutions at this moment. But I am adding my story here so if someone has a good solution to a lying betraying spouse, please post so we'd all learn.

My WH lies a lot too. About everything. He has been secretly viewing porn: all types, beastiality, child porn, s&m, you name it. This has been going on since the begining of our marriage. I am okay with porn, but not child porn and have told him that. He agreed to stop with child porn five years ago, but last year, I found that he was still viewing them. He says he does it out of curiousity. He secretly chats with really young asian girls over the net and exchange photos. I confronted him and he said it was nothing. He constantly tries to pick up women over the internet too.

He lies about money as well. His personal debts run into five figures. He has NEVER paid a single cent towards the apartment that we share.

He's had two affairs with his junior colleagues over the period of three years. The first affair started during our second year of marriage, when I was trying to get pregnant. I never did, and now I thank God that we don't have any children.

WH left me the day I found out about his As. He denied them. After a couple of months, he apologized, and he said he wanted to come back to the marriage. I was hesitant, but after reading MB and a few other books, I had hopes that it would work. I admitted to my part in the breakdown of the marriage. His remorse lifted. He made little effort to reconcile. He just wanted to get on with life like nothing happened.

But you know what, as soon as I said yes, I'll give us another chance, BAM! BAM! BAM! his lies started revealing themselves. Lies that he told after we are separated and when he was 'trying' to rebuild the marriage. Lies about money, his mother, the current situation with OW etc.

How long would you subject yourself to a life/ marriage like that? This man as a forked tongue. I can't trust him with women, I can't trust him with $$, I've found viagra in his briefcase, he probably made up a story about it as wall. And he is only 35. I have had enough. He is full of promises, but no action. There's only so much one can take. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Is there a solution to all this nonsense we are living with??

"It became a compulsion. In the end, this dishonest behavior snowballed and led to a breakdown in my overall morality. I betrayed her with a physical tryst the first time after four years of marriage. It happened again about six more times over the ensuing 12 years. It was all about just hiding something behind her back. Porn at first, then infidelity. Like grass leading to stronger drugs."

Standing in Finland,

This is exactly what I am afraid is happening to my husband. It started out with lies about completely innocent things & has begun to progress into lies about more serious things. I am afraid that this will eventually lead to an affair(s) and who knows what else.

From a husband's perspective, do you have any advice on what I can do to try & keep my husband from following that same path? Is there anything your wife could have done that would have led you to realize you did not need that "drug"?

Hi Everyone,

I don't have a reply but I would like to share my story. My husband and I have been married for 4.5 years, we have a 2yr old daughter and baby #2 will be here before christmas. I guess it all started after the birth of our daughter, my husband kept pushing me to be 'interested' in other women. I told him that I wasn't attracted to women and he eventually got quite angry with me and threatened to leave me unless we threw another women in the 'mix'. Needless to say that made me feel quite horrible. I said no. I found out later that he had put my profile on some dating site...he said I was looking for a woman. I was upset at first but I thought for him I would meet someone and see what happened. Well we met this one woman, she seemed really nice, but there was no attraction on my part. She was quite 'loose'. I told him that I just couldn't do this. He seemed ok with that. My husband then started to stay up quite late at night, not going to bed with me for weeks at a time. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was just browsing the internet. I later found out that he was chatting with her, asking her for dirty pics of herself. I couldn't believe that he had lied to me...we eventually worked it out. Well just last month I find out that he was doing it again. He is always on the computer looking up porn, I don't mind. If I'm not in the mood I don't mind at all. Anyways, it turns out that for a couple of months he was taking her out to lunch, he was interested in doing 'things' with her because she was sooo loose. He was still asking for dirty pics of her. Well I confronted them both, and my issues with her are resolved. But I still don't trust my husband, our marriage needs a lot of work. He hasn't talked to her since but I'm so afraid that he has found someone else but is being sneakier about it. I can't trust anything he says or does. I am a good wife, he can't deny that. I just don't understand why he would hurt me like this. If anyone has advice of any kind I would love to hear it. I'm so confused and hurt. Please Help.

Hi, I had this same problem with my DH but the difference is I DID have a problem with it and he knew it, so I guess that's why he lied about it. The thing I realized was that I couldn't do anything to change his behavior, he had to do that on his own. If your DH doesn't want to change, he won't. And if you choose to "punish" him by your own behavior towards him, it will more than likely only drive him away and have a negitive outcome. Of course this all depends on what kind of person he is and if his disrespectful actions towards you, matters. Because it is deliberate disrespect since he knows his lies upset you.

Hi I agree with you 100% and his disrespectful behavior does matter. Infact its driving a wedge between us...I don't feel the same way about him anymore. Sometimes I think I could go weeks without being near him, hes just not the man I married anymore. I have told him that and at the time it seemed to have an affect on him. I told him that I was his wife, and equal. We were partners and if he wasn't going to treat me with the respect I deserved that things were going to go down hill, fast. He was doing well for a while but I think he is being sneaky again. I'm so close to giving up on him, I just don't understand why he has to lie about everything.

I understand what you are saying. My husband was going on the match maker sites and talking to woman and telling them he was single and unbelievable lies. I feel he committed adultry with them emotionally. I saw a counselor and things got better. We started reading His Needs Her Needs and it was okay for a time the it all fell apart and I finally to make my point threw away the book, the sex toys, the boa, the whole 9 yards and not a single fun outfit has come out to play since the breach. I am pretty sure he is up to it again. I just can't catch him at it. I don't trust him and I am not sure how to get it back. Is it even possible?

Hi all. First of all I am suffering something similar. My husband because of mistakes we made in our marraige became interested in swinging and woman and secret trysts and websites. He works out of town. Since we were in recovery I refused any attempts on his part to include me in his fantasies. I wanted him to work on us and make sure we were a stable loving family before trying to even consider spicing up our love life.

I just learned that he has been unfaithful for most of the recovery period. He has been meeting people from online for group activities and he has been paying for entertainment at massage parlours. Although I am sick with the thought of all of this - I do understand that it is an addiction and that by forcing it underground it forced him to lie about looking at swinging sites, then about talking to women and then one thing went to another and soon he was doing things and those were covered too.

None of this is forgiveable. I said I understand it. However I am about to say something quite STRONGLY OPINIONATED. Ruffled this is for you.

Your husband is a sick demented man and this is not acceptable behaviour at all. Everyone can have their kinks and excitement. CHILD PORN IS NEVER EVER EVER OKAY. Men fool themselves into thinking I am not doing things I am just watching so I am not quilty. The man in the video the man who took the photo is guilty.

SUPPLY and DEMAND. If sick demented people like your husband didn't watch child porn there would be no demand and children wouldn't have to die, suffer horribly or be put through that torment. Every time a child goes missing. Every time a child is murdered or sexually abused your Husband contributes.

Be mad at me if you want for being so blunt but I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. I'd call the police. I'd save the children. I am revolted and disgusted that my husband didn't consider the lifes of the women in the massage parlors when he paid them and what brought them there - but anyone anyone who condons child pornography should not be shown any mercy.

Hi Everyone,

I recently discovered my h chatting online w/fantasy girls; I had a sense he was doing it and I confirmed it through the internet activity log stored onto the c:\ of the pc. When I confronted him about it, he of course denied it. He turned everything around by saying I was crazy and this person was a friend with this name. Two days later I confronted it again and got into a nasty dispute with him suggesting him to leave. He said very mean things to me that were very degrading. Since then we have not spoken and we've been avoiding each other. I suggested he moves out.

After a certain point, is it possible for a porn addict, who has escalated into online sex with live-action cameras, phone sex, etc., fantasies to function in a genuinely adult committed relationship again (after the gooey infatuation stuff wears off, that is)? I'm beginning to agree with whomever said porn was more addictive than cigarettes or cocaine. Has anyone ever found their way back?

I hate admitting defeat, but at least for my WH, porn replaced alcohol as his major love interest (I'm no longer sure I was ever in the running). First it was masturbating to internet porn. Then EA's with two (more?) women who adored him because he was so smart, so understanding and was helping them figure out all of their life's problems (including paying some bills, as it turned out). Last year, while working in another city and telling me not to worry about the "temporary" separation, he met a very-hot-to-trot nurse from TX on Yahoo IM. Somewhere between their mutual on-line cameras, lots of phone calls and e-mails that I'm humiliated to show my IC, and her insistance that she wants to be his wife so she can tell everyone she has Mr. XXX in her bed everynight, he decided that was the way to go. He told everyone else before me. I still wouldn't know but our daughter found info on divorce in our state, plus stuff from nursie and an entire separate drive full of porn (which she deleted ---- such a smart young woman). He had to confess. Now he won't even tell me why he wants a divorce. We've been here at least three times before, he always goes to therapy, he's always sorry, and always starts up again the minute he needs something, anything, to make himself feel good and worthwhile.

I'm not really a defeatest, but it's time to cut the (substantial) losses. I held it together before because our daughter wanted an intact family and she was really a Daddy's Girl. Now they've even stopped speaking because he flew to TX to meet nursie in person after my daughter told him how important it was that he get straight with the family before starting anything else. To top it off, he used our daughter's account to pay for the plane tickets.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />