Folks, if the OW is upset to bad. Her feelings are a moot point and her problem. Remember, these OW are always saying how the wife is his problem? So, her life with her illegetimate child is her problem. The law says CS is all that is required.

needs to move on stated below that some men are cowards who don't do right by oc? WRONG. If his wife and his family are important to him, and he loves them and doesn't want to hurt them, and they don't want to know oc and he agrees, why is he a coward? Cause he doesn't chose OC? What a selfish load of garbage. What you are saying is that it is mandatory that the wife and his children with her suffer and hurt, so the oc doesn't? Where is it written that oc is the most important person in the equasion here?

Also, as for the oc, I doubt they would look up their father. When he/she is 18 and they realize that their mom was an ow, I'm sure they will also realize just what their mother was, and we all know what society thinks of ow.

It steams me to see OW think their children are the most important one involved. The MM and his wife are protecting their children too. To them and their extended families,those are the ones that are loved and matter. You and your family will care for your oc and the oc will matter to them. But the XMM, BW and their children have a right to move on and forget all the trouble and pain of the affair. Especially since, accidental pregnancies are hardly the norm anymore are they? So one womans actions are pretty much ruining lots of lives and hurting lots of people, her oc too. I'm not saying that women are in charge of BC. But come on. How many men are told that OW are on the pill and then get suckered into an unwanted child?

LynnG,

Thank you for this post. I am the WH and the OW is pregnant and I am in the place of making decisions right now. I love my wife and want her back so badly. My situation happened during a separation that my wife wanted. She actually wanted a divorce and I was fed up with alot of the things that went on in our marriage. I believe that no contact is the best thing if my wife and I are to work things out. I believe that the OW can't complain because she is in control of the situation and is looking out for nobody but herself. She doesn't care about how it affects anybody. I am glad to hear your words and makes me feel better about my choice.

Fo

lg,,,,,, i agree with everything you said except the one about oc looking up father in 18 years. i think this is most definately a possibility. also i don't think that oc will grow up and view their mother as anything but a person that made a mistake ( i hate that term but it seems to fit here) in their life. oc will still love their mother and they should.

Pops thanks. At least you can see past just what you went through.

Fofatty........easy to blame that ow you chose to have sex with uh? Accidents happen and if you choose nc that is great....but in order to blame someone else that you are 50% to blame is just WRONG!!!!!!

Lynn:
WOW!!!! Have some build up anger do you? How dare you make those acusations. That is very wrong. I have two kids born in a marriage and let me tell you I am a very good mother. I'm probally a better mother and father in a single mode than a lot of mom and dads together.
I don't care about mm not wanting nc that is his choice and his w. But is he coward....you bet. It took two people to get there what happened. I don't mind taking my share of the blame, but how dare the w because her wh stepped out on her try and put it all on the ow. Her h was there doing the deed. WOW......I've heard some stuff, but this took the cake. Your H should of thought about what he was doing to HIS w and kids before he took the chance of stepping out. I've seen many many ow take all the blame and it's not for the ow to take all the blame. When a man has sex, there is a chance a baby will happen and it's his responsibilty to step up to the plate and be the man he was in her BED and be a man with that child as well. I can gaurntee you that while he WAS in her BED he was saying a lot of crap to her as he did when he came home to W and said a lot of crap to her too.

Needtomoveon: OW who know that the men are married and already have a family, and then get pregnant, (and don't tell me it was accidental in this day and age)deserve nothing except child support. Yes the men are to blame too, but for heaven's sake....don't get all righteous about it when the immorality of the situation speaks for itself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>Needtomoveon: OW who know that the men are married and already have a family, and then get pregnant, (and don't tell me it was accidental in this day and age)deserve nothing except child support. Yes the men are to blame too, but for heaven's sake....don't get all righteous about it when the immorality of the situation speaks for itself.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I will tell you I DID NOT GET PREGNANT on purpose. Did Pops wife get pregnant on purpose? Guess what....my niece just got pregnant on purpose with her husband a few weeks ago. Let me tell you a little about my back ground.
I tried to have a baby for 2 years with my h. We went to the doctor and was told I have about 5 conditons to prevent me from getting pregnant without the help from drugs and procedures. So another 4.5 years of every month of fertilty drugs and insemanations and Invtro. Several miscarriages later I finally become pregnant with my twins. After my twins I still have those conditons....have sex with h several years after the fact.....leave him had s with xmm one to two times a week for over a year it took 13 years for this "accident" to happen. So five years after I have my kids where I am almost 41 years old I get pregnant. Excuse me....maybe there a some ow who did it purposly. I know I did not and I was very content with my two kids getting ready to break up with xmm myself and had no intentions of having any more kids with anyone including xmm. It was the very last thing I had on my mind. I can't tell you the shock I was in. It affected everything I'm doing right now....but because of what I've gone through to have my two kids I did the right thing and I'm keeping the baby. Regardless of that fact which I know most women are not infertltle......if the man worried about his kids and w and all, no matter what the ow said a condom use be used. How does h know who that ow was with? IF you would of read my post correctly, I never said that a xmm had to see his kids, child support is all that is required....but it still takes two and both should stand up to what has happened and be there for that child. We don't live in a perfect world, and thank god most of the ow I've talked to have done a great job without the xmm, but the inocent child is who suffers. No child is any better than any other child and whose to say whose to be loved and whose not to be. Of course all the adults involved must be ADULTS.

Sorry, Nina I'm with you. The point of being married is to have a family together. If OW and MM are pregnant it is sad, but the child is not of a married couple from the start and so is not protected by marriage. Accident or not, the choice to have sex outside of marriage was made. The risk is always there.

CS yes, but if you have sex outside of marriage you may hurt the most innocent. It is sad, but that child will pay the price for someone fooling around outside of marriage. That's my opinion. The OW has several choices, adoption, raising it with CS and no contact with the father or terminating the pregnancy. She would not be in that situation if she had stayed away from a married man. It is sad, but the fact is he is married. I am sorry for the child. The bast answer for me would be to give that child a chance at a good life with two parents by giving it up for adoption. That is just my opinion, and that is what is great about this country. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I believe in marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So one womans actions are pretty much ruining lots of lives and hurting lots of people, her oc too. I'm not saying that women are in charge of BC. But come on. How many men are told that OW are on the pill and then get suckered into an unwanted child? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd like to know why the OW gets the blame for ruining the lives? Isn't the MM 50% to blame? I also heard many of stories where the MM tells the unknown OW that he divorced or other lies. I heard the lies my WH told his OW to sucker them in. He even had my best friend believing it. How about the men who tell the OW that he had a vasectomy then try and tell her the child can't be mine. Only to find out differently when the DNA test come back. You make it sound like that all OW are on the hunt for MM, that they conned the MM then trapped him by getting pregnant. I also know that some BW are in denial. They want to believe that their WH was lured in by the evil OW. I know all to well about the cheating H and the OW.

As for the pregnacies being planned. That these OW get pregnant on purpose. How about the MM that tell their OW how much they want them to have their baby? Yes, there are you OW women out there that probably do get pregnant on purpose, thinking that the MM will leave the wife and make a family with them. That is wrong. The whole affair thing is wrong to begin with . Then yo have the MM/OW actually plan on a child together. They are so far caught up in affairyland they don't realize the damage it will do. Then you do have your honest to goodness mistakes. Where the MM/OW do use birth control and it fails. But no matter what I take it the only answer is for the OW to abort the child? And you have to ralize to, that yes the pregnacies/oc are devistating to the MM W and children (not all MM have children though), the pregnacy is also devistating to the OW to.

I guess the OW should know the MM better before sleeping with him.

As much as society changes, the woman is stuck carrying the child and so unfortunately has to be more responsible or she will get stuck. The MM is also 50% to blame, but it isn't his body that carries the fetus.

What does the MM risk? Child support and getting more of his DNA out there. That's all. It is still the woman who bears the burdon, and so the woman has to protect herself by saying NO-end of story.

people, people,,,,,,,, a married person who breaks his vows and has an affair is 100% WRONG

a single person who knowing has an affair with a married person showing no respect for the bs is 100% WRONG

2 married people having an affair with each other are each 100% WRONG

there is no 50% this or that. to be 50% wrong is just a way of saying "hey it wasn't all me".

if a ow has a child from a mm, forget the blaming crap. you will never understand it anyway. (fh and i still can't figure out why she made that choice.) if mm chooses nc that's ok. it doesn't make him a coward. what makes people cowards is sneaking around behind someones back. nc is a tuff choice for everyone. so is working on a marriage that has something so cruel thrust upon it.

now that we have the responsibility part cleared up let us work on how to help each other get thru this mess while considering each individuals specific circumstances.

let's not let this board become the way it was a several months back.

i personally like seeing the posters that helped me thru my crisis back here posting again.

they left for some time because people started to take things personal.

if you don't like what someone writes, let it go.
you don't run everyone that cuts you off while driving off the road do you?

pops I couldn't have said it better myself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let the blame wars stop, please.

People here are hurting.
love
Debi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ,,,,,,,, a married person who breaks his vows and has an affair is 100% WRONG

a single person who knowing has an affair with a married person showing no respect for the bs is 100% WRONG

2 married people having an affair with each other are each 100% WRONG

there is no 50% this or that. to be 50% wrong is just a way of saying "hey it wasn't all me".

if a ow has a child from a mm, forget the blaming crap. you will never understand it anyway. (fh and i still can't figure out why she made that choice.) if mm chooses nc that's ok. it doesn't make him a coward. what makes people cowards is sneaking around behind someones back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pops

Your whole post was right on target.To bad all of us can't have the same understanding as you do.

Getting pregnant takes two, no doubt about it. But get real here. If an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy occurs and the father wishes it to be aborted, he can't force her to an abortin clinic, nor can he force her to give it up for adoption. SHE made the choice to keep and raise a child of a man who is not available to be a father. She should live with it and quit bytching that the XMM and his family want nothing to do with her child.

That should have been a consderation when she got pregnant. Does she really want a child with a man who is married with children? Is that a wise and sound choice for this child?

Certainly, both are guilty, but if the man opts out, but pays CS, he is not a coward for putting his family where it should have been,and that is first.

My point is that some OW think they can call shots and that their child should be part of the XMM's family and get to know the siblings. That now that their child is here, all others should put their feelings aside and put those of her child above anyone and everyone. That is hardly fair. It is hypocritcal and mean. The children of the marriage have never been a concern to her, and yet now the BW, is expected to show concern for the oc? That is beyond belief. The XMM, and OW, in the affair are soley to blame for the mess they created. Totally and 100%.

Once the pregnancy has happened, there are choices to be made. Legal choices. It is not illegal to get an abortion. If the father wanted an abortion and OW choses not to have one, then she HAS made a decision that effects XMM, his wife, and his children. She is responsible for that choice.

I will say that I am to blame for allowing the situation to occur. However, LynnG is right. I made the decision to have sex, I knew the risks. However the OW has all the power if she is pregnant. She is thinking about her child, but not anyone else involved. A man has the choice to sleep with a women, but known after. All the cards are in her hands. There are options out there that OW don't contemplate becasue they want to hold power over the man. I will take take the 100% blame on my stupidity. I should have never allowed myself to get in this situation. But I have no choices but to grin and bear it. SO yes, there is bitterness towards OW becasue they know exactly what they are doing even if the pregnancy was an accident.

Lynn:
Do you have kids? How easy would it be for YOU to abort one of your kids? How easy would it be for you to put one of your kids up for adoption? No matter if Joe blow or mm got me pregnant I'm going to have my child. I personally don't care if xmm has any contact with his child. It's not my cross to bear except to explain to the oc when it's old enough in an mature nonjudgmental way why his father is not around. You are 100% right it's the uh choice to have or not have contact. It's that right of any man who bears a child. Why should a uh be different. Coward yes. I'm sorry but I can't be swayed on this. If one of your girlfriends were to get pregnant no matter the circumstances and the father of the child was not around you maybe able to see this that way. You may still see that the father has that choice but as you get to know your girlfriends child and hear your girlfriend talk, you would be more willing to accept her point of view....why because it's not your h involved and it's your friend whom you like and care for and see her hurting. Your watching this child grow up and have feelings for your friend and child. The only difference here is you can't stand ow and oc because they tore your life apart along with your uh who at this point you feel is the victim along with you. You say the ow never takes the w or kids into consideration and that her family should be put last over the oc. I have never said that nor have I heard someone say that yet. I don't feel that the wife is obligated to do that. Do I think the oc has the same rights....yeap I sure do. Uh spread his dna out there and because the ow won't have an abortion or adopt the child the oc has to suffer. You don't think the ow feels bad. Your willing to forgive your uh for this horrible act. Your willing to allow your uh the benifit of a doubt. He was just as guilty as ow. Ow has to deal with having this child by herself, being regjected 100% by uh because it's his choice, and dealing with the name calling and put downs from the w. So it's ok for the w to do this, not the ow? Everyone involved is paying for this. Everyone. It's done, and you've choosen to forgive your uh and rebuild. You have to accept the choice of a oc in the picture either now or possibly somewhere down the line. If you forgive your uh and choose to stay with him you have to accept this. On the basic subject....most of the bs I've notice on this board are taking the control of the uh's role to face ow regarding cs and visitation if it's going to be. You guys are very lucky because I would not allow it. No judge will force me either. My stbxh is making decisions with me and talking to me about his kids....not his new wife or girlfriend. It's either an attorney or the uh. Just because you have to talk to uh does not mean ow wants this man back after the aftermath of ending the affair and what has happened. You don't have your mom call your power co., to arrange payments for you. It's just life. I'm saying that if uh wants contact that w can't be involved, that would not be best for the child. I'm just saying w did not make the child w has only control over uh not me or my child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fofatty1771:
<strong>I will say that I am to blame for allowing the situation to occur. However, LynnG is right. I made the decision to have sex, I knew the risks. However the OW has all the power if she is pregnant. She is thinking about her child, but not anyone else involved. A man has the choice to sleep with a women, but known after. All the cards are in her hands. There are options out there that OW don't contemplate becasue they want to hold power over the man. I will take take the 100% blame on my stupidity. I should have never allowed myself to get in this situation. But I have no choices but to grin and bear it. SO yes, there is bitterness towards OW becasue they know exactly what they are doing even if the pregnancy was an accident.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">fofatty, I'll ask you the same thing I asked Lynn, but take it one step further. Would your w ever abort one of her kids? Lets say the ow did have an abortion or put it up for adoption....are you going to be there by her side to help her with that awful choice she made (abortion talking about) that is going to tear her up inside and probaly be against everything she believes in? NO WAY!!! I ran into a gal who 20 years ago had an abortion. She was totally depressed 20 years later in counseling and on antidepresants. Very suicidal herself. 20 years later. Are you so selfish for your own reasons that you and no one else can understand that abortion is really not an option for some people? Then the fact with adoption....yes it is a noble thing to do....going through infertilty myself I consider it very unselfish to give your child up for adoption. Not all women bytch about nc. I don't have a problem with it because of my own feelings towards uh. It's his choice and his cross to bear. I know I'm capable of raising kids on my own. I know what I have to offer. Your situation is even more different if I recall. You and your W were seperated. If your w probaly would of never wanted you back you probaly would not be as upset over this child. If your any kind of person at all. xmm asked me to have an abortion. I asked him are you going with me to have it done? Are you going to be there for me to help pick up the pieces and get me through this? Heck no he's not. Your asking something of someone that is not like droping your dog off at the pound, it's a human life. It's breathing inside you, it's life. Xmm told me that when he found out I was pregnant he turned to his w. She had no idea why (as she still does not know of me being pregnant) he was so shocked and overwhelmed he turned to her. Since I've been pregnant there marriage is better than ever. Is it real he asked me? How could I answer that. He mentioned "even though it's through falshood", it's still better than it's ever been in 14 years. He's very pissed off at me for not having an abortion. That's his right to be. He wants no contact....that is his right. It does not mean that because he's pissed or overwhelmed over my pregnancy I should run off and abort my child inside my womb. I'm overwhelmed too. I never thought this could happen to me in a million years. This happens to other people...NOT ME. Just because it does not fit into your plans and your future is no reason to hold it against the ow for not aborting it or putting it up for adoption.

He would be a coward if he continued any contact with OW and hurt his family anymore.

I do not consider my H a victim, he is guilty of adultery and has paid the consequences in loss of respect. I eventually forgave, after a long time. OW, I owe her nothing as I never had a relationship with her and could care less what happens to her. I give her child the same amount of care and concern as she gave mine.

I do accept OC in picture as we pay CS, but I choose not not know or have OC in our family and this was a joint decision.

If UH wants contact, sorry, but his wife is included and she will have control over the OC while it is in her home. She actully would have that right. OW can't try to use child to play house.

I do have children, they were planned on (went of birth control)and welcomed into the world by both parents. Their well being and feelings come first. And due to the upheaval their father caused and the fear and pain, we chose no contact with OC as what is best for us, our marriage and our children. They are aware of also chose not to have anything to do with OC.

I believe that many OW assume that their child should be viewed as wonderful and welcome into MM's family. When that family says no, they get up tight and angry. When they were having sex with the father of other children, was she thinking of them? Was she concerned about their well being? Did she think how the fallout would hurt those kids? Did she even care? No.

This is the fault of the OW/MM. They caused it. The wife and children are hurt, the OC gets hurt. That is a fact. OW/MM knew this could happen and chose this. The consequences will now last a lifetime.

I usually just lurk here but I had to respond ti this thread.

In my case OW knew H was married and didn't care but H knew he was married and didn't care. I see that it could be easier to blame OW but they are both equally to blame.

H ended the relationship after a few months and found out she was pregnant when she was 4 months along. My H had to contact her she was not going to tell him she was pregnant with his child.

She was in her late 30's and figured this could be her last change to have a child so she wanted to keep it. I can understand that as a mother myself.

H couldn't be man enough to tell me the situation he was in so he kept it a secret until I found out when the oc was 18 months old. He had already bonded with this child and all my choices were gone. I either except the oc or not.

My H is to blame for it all! I don't know what he told OW and I am not anger with her because she did what she thought was right for her. She was not going to involve my H in the decision for keeping or not keeping OC. She wanted the child and she was willing to do it on her own.

My H loves this child which he should be commend for I guess but he lost the love and respect of his children with me. Who wins? No one, this child has a half time father and my children have no father in their eye for now. I lost a H of 23 years and it was all for lust (sex). I see no winners in this!

She now has a child who she loves but has medical problems and the reality of raising a child my herself is not what she thought it would be. A lot harder than she thought, I have talked to her and I found out she has a lot of serious medical issues and her life is a hard one.

My H lost his family and is living with his sister and see no way out of this because he know has to support 2 family's. Who wins! We can blame everyone but the children are the ones I feel really bad for because hers and mine are the with out a full time father.

I lost the love of my life (so I thought) and OW is trying to survive herself. Affair are a selfish act and when their in the middle of their fog no one thinks about the consequences that can happen.
I blame my h only because he didn't respect his marriage or me or his children. He is paying dearly for this.

I hope you all understand what I am trying to say I tend to ramble. I realize that we all hurt and what one does to get though this awful part in our life is very individual. One size does not fit all. I would support anyone in how they handle their own situation. I do not judge who am I, what works for you might not work for me.

LJ

lj, how awfull for you. Yes, the children all get hurt. But the OW and your husband are both equally to blame. They are the ones who have caused all the heartache. You did not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> . When they were having sex with the father of other children, was she thinking of them? Was she concerned about their well being? Did she think how the fallout would hurt those kids? Did she even care? No.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fahter wasn't thinking of any of these things either. Did he care? No. Birth control is a two way thing. Men have options out there also. Best things is to keep it in their pants. But as we know they have a hrd time doing that so how about a condem?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there is bitterness towards OW becasue they know exactly what they are doing even if the pregnancy was an accident.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And the MM doesn't know what he's doing? He knows how babies are made.

People keep saying how its the OW responisablity for the child. Especially if the MM ask her to abort or give it up for adoption. How about turning the tables around. How about the women who get an abortion and the MM is against it? Some MM do want the OC and are turned away.

Either way the whole situation sucks. No one wins. And the biggest loser is the OC. Either the OC grows up learning that their father did't want anything to do with them, or their mother didn't give the father a chance. What would be great is if people would grow up, put their differences aside and do whats best for all the children involved.