Lynn

I do wish I would have known some of this stuff when my H was being brought to court for cs. But he wouldn't listen to me about getting a lawyer. Hell, he never even responded to the complaint. So he ended up paying $280 a month ( not to bad) back child support from birth, plus all the medical cost of the pregnancy/birth and everything till court. Now his XOW plays games with him. She got married a yr later and asked H to signoff his rights so her H could adopt oc. She has done this to him countless of times. Even had him fill out some paperwork. Now she is trying to get money out of his grandmother from his grandfathers death. H still won't budge.

Had you a an attorney, you would have only been liable for 1/2 those costs, as the OW is responsible for that child too. You could still benefit from an attorney. She wants him to sign off parental rights? DON'T DO IT. Not unless you have an attorney, force the issue. If he signs off, then make sure that her husband agrees to support child and they can't come back at you later. GET AN ATTORNEY.

Hey at some point here, if the UH is thinking like a fool, doesn't want laywers involved, the BW needs to protect him too. Hire the laywer. Imagine if you had hired one, think of the $$ saved on the medical costs alone. That alone would have been worth it.

Not to mention, that if all is legal, and OW is calling family members, and you track all of this, she can get it for harrasment. How well do you know is grandmother? Can you talk to her? You can call your city/county DA office and they will get in touch with her and tell her next time, charges will be filed. But get this stuff on record. Her OC has no rights to any family inheritance. That brings up another topic. An attorney will avise you, that in your will, leave OC $1.00 with an explanation that the children from the marriage will inherit, etc. That way OW can't come back and fight a will if somehting should happen. No way is OC getting any property, $$$, or anything should he or we pass on. That is all earned by us, for OUR family. OW can't say you forgot OC.

Lynn, not the cleaning lady, I'm the bookkeeper for there business in Vegas and personal home in Vegas. I do hire all the employees for them and found a great cleaning lady. As someone on your side of this board mentioned....it's a "loophole". "loophole" and "legal" are two different words. Talk about imoral ow. What would you call stealing from a child.

Crazymum:
I must say I agree with most of what lynn is saying to you on your matter. That women should not be calling any of your family memeber. Are they close friends or something? It sounds like you guys are suffereing as it is with all your kids and all......If he wants nc with this child and he sees her doing everything he doing, why is he fighting getting an attorney? That is crazy. And yes Lynn is right again.....she is to pay half of all doctor bills from her pregnancy and for that child. Even if she was married to him and divoring it would be that way. If she wants your h to sign away his rights how can she expect to receive cs from him? That makes no sense. Is she all there?

Well,why don't you tell me about stealing from a child? You are the one briging an OC into the world without a father. Isn't that stealing from your own c?

I could care less about any oc. The children I am concerned about protecting, both emotionally and financially are the ones born to the marriage that the OW seems to care less about. I care that the marriage survives and that they do not get robbed by an OW.

So, if it is legal to file separation and get tons of CS, so be it. Other OW (maybe not you) seem to not like that idea. Why? Their marriage is none of your business. Once again, consequences. Not everything should go the way some ow wants it to just cause she had an oc. The wife and her kids have a right to fight for what Truly was meant to be theirs and is. Alls fair. You and UH should have thought better. But now that it is out, I'm here to let the BW know that not even their UH should be protected by utilizing a very good attorney to protect the children of the marriage. You need to realize, that those children deserve a voice and someone to fight for them. They are innocent and should not be denied anything for what their father did. The oc has no part in this, and no thought is given. It is pure and simple preservation and the needs of the children from the marriage. Just as OW do not think about how this will adversely affect those kids, the BW should not concern herself with the wellbeing of the OC.

A good attorney will see that cs is paid, and also set the OW on her heals should she ever even try to contact the family in any way. The OW that my H was involved with has been fined 3 times for calling our home. She is to call her attorney, and he will contact ours. Next time she calls, she will serve 48 hours in jail.

Alls fair.
Unless it is for the oc (or the ws for that matter), correct? Then nothing is fair for the oc. They should be denied asmnuch as can be and to the maximum extent possible.

The needs of the OC are not in any way, shape or form a problem of the wife. Her kids are her first and foremost priority. Once again, the OW gave no care or cocern for BW children, now that OW has OC she expects everyone to care about her child. Doesn't work like that. And before you get out your , "it takes two" yes we are aware of that. That is why the BW should get legal protection and go after all she can. Then if the marriage falls apart, her kids are taken care of FIRST. As they are her FIRST concern. The oc is not the problem of the BW.

GET IT? And if the actions of the BW should short change the OC, to bad. Her own kids are shortchanged every time a check is sent to oc. So I say the needs of the OC are not the problem of the BW and her children. Is that wrong?

Lynn

I understand what you are saying. Question, is this something that has happened to you? I'm just trying to understand the anger. Not all OW are the way you state. And in no way shape or form and I trying to justify the affair or what the WS/OW has done. I know that every situation is different.

Lynn it is not wrong for you to FEEL that way. NO. Is it fair NO. The uh now has an additional child. As it looks though an attorney is really best for both sides. I don't think both sides will ever agree on this one. I will say again to you it's NOT WRONG for you to FEEL that way. One thing we (you and I) have in common is our kids interests come first. That says a lot of who we are and what we want for our kids. Would you not agree? It's sad that you and ALL of us are in the situation we are in no matter how it happened. Not all ow are bad people. Not all bs are bytches. What makes us bad and bytches is protecting our kids. I'd fly to the ends of the earth to protect my twins. I made a MISTAKE. I'll be paying for that mistake the rest of my life. My child however is inocent and will NOT pay for the mistakes of xmm/mine doings. If his father has no contact with him he is better off having that. What I mean is why would I want someone there who is not able to be there for what ever reason. How I feel about that personaly is really not that important right now. Nor should it haunt my child either. I see how you feel the way you feel about contact or no contact....is it right? Maybe but then again maybe not. Years from now we may both see this in a whole different light. I've tried not to verbaly attack you through this thread and maybe it looks as if I did. I was trying for you to see it on both sides. ONLY. I've been on the other side of the wall. I was once a bw. I don't know why I did what I did and stayed in it for so long. It happened I can't make it go away. I can't turn back time. On the other hand I have no problem taking care of my child on my own. It's sad, but yeah, lots of people do it. I am not out to screw xmm over. I'm not even asking for my fair share that the law in NV requests....why because xmm has 2 kids they are in private school and are use to a certain lifestyle. His w is going to kill him over this and he will pay the rest of his life with her just living with her. (that is not intended for all bw). Through our entire a I never asked xmm for a dime. It was not about money then and it's not about it now....just my child. End of story. So why can't we just agree that we both feel very strongly about defending our kids?

So I say the needs of the OC are not the problem of the BW and her children.
Agreed. But the needs of the OC ARE (or may be) the concern of the husband/WS.

Is that wrong?
No, not really, unless one is simply doing it to screw the ow by messing with the oc.

I don't think anyone is saying you should have any concern for the ow or have the oc in your life. Like it or not (& I don't expect you to like it), the oc IS a half-sibling to YOUR children. If the ws chooses to not be a part of the OC's life, so be it. If he does choose to be a part of the OC's life, then it is something to be discussed.

A marriage is not picking and choosing what you want to share with your spouse. As long as you are married, you get to be a part of EVERTHING he brings to the marriage. And vice-versa.

Needs to move on: I agree, we all put our kids first. However, to many OW think it is horrible if a wife sues for CS so OC gets a much smaller amount. There are tons of ways to "screw" the oc, and I think they should all be looked into and pursued. No reason for my kids to suffer or lose out.

Chris:

The needs of oc are met with CS. How is a BW protecting her own children from ow/oc screwing anyone?

OC is not a sibling at all. A family is not just blood. Adoption is proof of that. The oc is not part of this family and never will be. And,if UH wants contact, that is all the more reason to have an barracuda attorney and get everything for your own kids.

As a BW with an OC, we chose to keep that child out of this home and our lives. I consider OC to be OW's problem. Don't want to hear anything, and we don't. Our attorneys are the only way we have contact. If she tries again, she is off to jail for 48 hours. She gets a check that is sufficient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:
<strong>Needs to move on: I agree, we all put our kids first. However, to many OW think it is horrible if a wife sues for CS so OC gets a much smaller amount. There are tons of ways to "screw" the oc, and I think they should all be looked into and pursued. No reason for my kids to suffer or lose out.

check that is sufficient.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lynn, to put this to rest.....at least we agree on one thing. You must of really gotten screwed over by this ow in your life. That is the only reason I can see the anger you have and in as well as the things you have stated. Everyone does what they have to do and have to live with our decisions in life. Like I said I honestly can't agree with what you are saying about being pursued....but you know I'm in the position right now that I could screw my h over. Although I've been seperated for 18 months we are still legally married. I'm pregnant. By law he is responsible. He has to pay for xmm child by law. I have gone out of my way to protect h so he won't have to pay for xmm childs. But then again I'm not asking xmm to pay either until the dna test is done, and I'm paying for all expenses myself. I have chose to keep this baby and to make all the men happy I'm paying for these expenses. My h thinks I'm protecting xmm....I'm not.....I'm just not dealing with him.

The needs of oc are met with CS.
So that's the only needs you and your kids have of your husband? Money?

How is a BW protecting her own children from ow/oc screwing anyone?
They are not ONLY your children. They are also your husbands children.

What if the husband/ws has a need for contact with the OC?
You seem to forget one small fact. The OC is the child of your husband just as your children are his also. You don't have to like it (and I know you don't) but you do have to live with it.

OC is not a sibling at all. A family is not just blood.
So blood matters in no way at all? Then why do you need a lawyer against the ow?

The oc is not part of this family and never will be. And,if UH wants contact, that is all the more reason to have an barracuda attorney and get everything for your own kids.
Rather than tap dance around the issue as you have been, if your husband wants contact with OC, then you WILL divorce and get as much as possible from him, correct? And this is what you recommend for all in this situation?

As a BW with an OC, we chose to keep that child out of this home and our lives.
So it was a mutual decision between you and your husband, great, but this is not always the case.

Again, you may not like what has happened and you certainly don't have to like it, but you do have to deal with it.

I'm done.

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

It really sounds like someone needs alot of counseling to get through all this anger. Its a terrible situation to find yourself and your family in, but its done and now you need to learn to survive and live. If you have chosen no contact and its best for you and your husband, then I hope it works out. As for my situation, lets see I got pregnant at the young age of 45, gee just what i planned, oh yeah, did go for an abortion, was changing into gown about 20 other women waiting in gowns, and i broke down and knew I couldnt go through with it, om reaction "Im glad you didnt do it, you are so brave" Oh yeah did I tell you hes married and so am i, lets see I already have 7 kids (another note 2 were unplanned with my husband--oh my and I was on birth control now that must have been my fault) Oh I didnt want contact with om and his family, but my husband insisted on cs, so I had to do cs or otherwise husband said our marriage would not be. Ok, om wants contact, oh and you think lawyers are cheaper than paying the hospital bill, he has already forked over 5,000 plus and we are still not done. His idea to get a lawyer, afterthought he wishes he had just discussed everything with me---yeah would have been 5,000 cheaper. and yes I said we should talk with his wife included--no he will not involve her in his buisness. Oh we decided on visitations, pretty much normal of what most get. and no I do not deliver our child to him , he picks her up and returns her as per court order, and you know what my kids are not devastated and either are his, so it doesnt destroy everyones lives. especially if you explain it in a civil manner. You dont have to go out of your way to destroy children, they can work through almost anything with enough love. My daughter is loved by two families, i would have rather raised her in mine alone. but she will never have questions unanswered, because she will know, just as all her brothers and sisters know--all 10 of them. i am not saying we have had alot to work through and still do, but we are doing it. I am not trying to make lite of everything but the heavy awful anger I hear is not going to help anyone. and this is a child of both sides and needs to be looked upon as one of Gods children, not a child out of wedlock (hello, we are not living in the 50's)how many of you started a marriage out with a pregnancy before you said i do, give me a break, grow up, your anger should never be directed toward a child. and yes this child should have just as much as the other children in the family--because she is family no matter how much denial you are in and i can only see that in the long run you will be hurting yourself the most, because your children will grow up and they will find out and they will wonder how cruel and bitter people can be to deny a child love and comfort and family. sorry if i am rambling on, and sorry if you dont want to hear for a ow. oh well
full house

oh i forgot--im also known as a ws--does that make a difference?

full house, I have to ask as this part bothers me the most with me......how was it giving birth in your 40's? I am scared to death!!!!!!! I'm glad your h and xmm and you and his w have made this work. That is great for all of you and your child. My kids are very young only 4 and don't understand it, but one day they will ask me. When I told them I was pregnant they mentioned how there daddy can take them all to 7-11 (what is it with all dads taking the kids to 7-11?) and I just breifly said "oh well, um....honey your daddy is not this baby's daddy. They accepted it for now. They are more concerned about how the baby got inside me than the other. I'm just glad it is working so well for everyone.

I am a BS and I cannot believe some of the things I have read on this thread. FH summed it up -- some people are in deep denial.

This world has changed dramatically during my lifetime and not for the better. I believe many of the problems we have as individuals and as a nation are a direct result of the lack of ACCOUNTABILITY that has become the popular notion of the day. When someone screws up, they are encouraged to either blame someone else or simply walk away and not own up to their mistake.

My husband having an OC is not something I dreamed about as a young girl when thinking about my future. But my H made a choice to have an A (without consulting me), he knew everytime he had sex, even using bc (she was on the pill), that there was a chance a pregnancy would occur. Well, it did and he now has another child.

Every BS at this point has a clear and difficult decision to make. You either decide that you can live with the horrible situation this man you love has placed you in, or YOU move on to greener pastures. Staying together means that you must find a way to forgive what happened and DEAL with the consequences or you will be destined for a long and unhappy life.

The OC is a living breathing child! Needtomoveon is absolutely right -- stealing from an innocent child has been advocated on this thread. I could even understand the couple that would like to keep things "separate but equal" and would choose to have a separate life insurance policy for the OC. But to say the OC is not going to get any property, any money, absolutely nothing if their own father dies -- that is an awful lot of bitterness and anger. Misdirected anger, I might add.

If anyone feels shortchanged when the child support check is issued -- it is NOT the OC who is shortchanging you. It is our own spouse -- who fathered the child -- that is shortchanging you.

If the affair is truly over, then there comes a point when you have to understand that the WS's ability to be concerned about and love the OC has nothing to do with the ex-OW. And believe me, if you think that prohibiting contact will keep your WS faithful -- think again. If your WS does not deal with the issues that caused the cheating, he or she will be doing it again, even with a different person.

A question was asked about marriagebuilding and why some posters were posting if they were not trying to build a marriage. If your WS is given a choice -- stop seeing your OC forever OR I have a "barracuda lawyer" who will take you to the cleaners and make sure you don't have two dimes left to rub together -- how can that be considered "marriagebuilding"?

It seems to me that some of the attitudes expressed in this thread may be the reason why some of the WS's were wayward. They certainly don't seem like attitudes of individuals who have accepted the hand life has dealt them and learned to live with it.

So go ahead -- light into me now. I don't usually post so aggressively but I was truly disturbed by what I read and was trying to put some other perspective on it. One thing I have learned through my ordeal as a BS is that bitterness and hatred eat you alive. If you live with anger it will destroy you from the inside.

I cannot change what my H did. My H was weak and selfish at the time he had his A. He is not perfect -- none of us are -- and I love him despite his faults. But, neither he nor I could live the rest of our lives reviewing his "mistake" and playing the victim. It was not healthy for either of us.

I chose not to be a victim. I chose to open my heart to the possibilities and look "outside the box". And, I have peace and joy in my life beyond my expectations. I am truly sorry for those who are stuck in the cycle of pain. I pray for your daily because the ability to change is there -- it's inside of you if you would listen.

May we all find peace in our lives our own way,
love,
heavenly

Thumbs up is for you heavenly.

Thanks for putting MB concepts in this sad thread.

Once again...what a lady!!

Take good care,
~aut

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Heavenly

Your post was well said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If the affair is truly over, then there comes a point when you have to understand that the WS's ability to be concerned about and love the OC has nothing to do with the ex-OW. And believe me, if you think that prohibiting contact will keep your WS faithful -- think again. If your WS does not deal with the issues that caused the cheating, he or she will be doing it again, even with a different person.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I stated before I was the BS long before I became the WS. I know what my His capable of and the lies he tells the OW. With the A that produced his OC, he told me she abused him, he in turn told her I was abusing him. He told me many times that it was over between them only to find him trying to get her back. When that didn't work, he found another to fill her place. And this was before the child was even born. Since this affair 5yrs ago, I know of at least 3 more. So yes, just because you tell your H no contact with the OW, or he tells you, doesn't mean it is't happening or he won't find another.

I hope things work out for you. You are a strong woman and are wise in your way of handling the siutation.

heavenly,,,,,,,,
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And believe me, if you think that prohibiting contact will keep your WS faithful -- think again. If your WS does not deal with the issues that caused the cheating, he or she will be doing it again, even with a different person.

It seems to me that some of the attitudes expressed in this thread may be the reason why some of the WS's were wayward. They certainly don't seem like attitudes of individuals who have accepted the hand life has dealt them and learned to live with it.
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here,here!!!!!