needtomoveon,
the pregnancy was an easy one, all of mine were, i always loved being pregnant, what a miracle, even though this pregnancy was during the worst time in my life, i was afraid the stress would hurt the baby, but everything went well. Hopefully you have someone to support you through this time, i really didnt, it was ignored by most, i have no pictures like i did during the pregnancy of my other children, and the movies taken at the birth, (taken by pops God bless him)were not the same as the others, it was hurtful for pops as you can understand so he took the bare minimum, not showing much, which was dissapointing to me, but understandable. I was worried I would experience it all on my own, no joy to share with anyone, i felt i couldnt show my true feelings of the love i had for this little one, so there were many tears as she grew. so that is the downfall and i hope noone has to feel this. we are doing well and love our little grace so much. I had to stay home from work today cause she woke with a fever and vomiting. the thrills of mommy life. it is hard at times cause i am 47 with a one year old, i dont feel that old and have been complimented for looking alot younger, not that that has anything to do with anything, but it peps me up, love compliments to make this woman keep a going. but it is tiring sometimes, not like when you were in your 20's. but i too have young ones at home, a little older than yours and i dont think they quite understand the situation at times, it can be confusing, but we talk about it when ever questions come up--ages8,11,13,15,and the older ones know and had to go through alot of anger, but i feel they still love me and grace (21,22,28)
good luck on your pregnancy, when are you due, enjoy this blessing and it is a blessing no matter how it came about.

heavenlybody-
beautifully said

Very well said.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Full house:
Thank you so much!!!!!! I read your post and can't stop crying cause I'm there right now. I'm sure alot has to do with harmones.....I'm so full of them right now. I've cried so much since I've been pregnant. My twins I really only cried over the "life channel movie" or hallmark or something like that. I just cry and cry. I can't stop it. I know how you feel about pictures and all. I've had 3 ultra sounds done and up until last week I just threw them in a book. I don't think I've even tried to bond yet. Most of my friends are great, but it's basically just me. My kids are young so they are just so excited....I'm sure if they were much older they would be where your older ones were at. I must say that you and pops (I just put that together in your post that you were the fh he talks about) have come along way. Thank you so much for your words of support.

Heavenly:
Thank you too. I've told you this before......Not just because of your uh affair, but the other things you've gone through with your kids.......you are a women to look up too. You have overcome some horindis (can't spell) obisticles in your life. You attitude is just so wonderful and inspiring. Thank you so much.

I originally posted on here sounding like I was blaming OW for everything. I think heavenly summed it up saying that anger eats away at you. I know my actions lead to this and I am more upset that I did this to my wife. I will say that I was seperated and my marriage had problems before this one. However I screwed it up so bad that it seems unfixable. She has decided to go her own way and divorce me.

I just want to say that there is no right answer to these situations. It is all based on the situation itself. I wish everyone luck in ther respective lives.

Is that the voice of reason I hear????

God, thank you for Heavenly!

fofatty:
I am so sorry about you and your wife. It's never to late and you never know she may change her mind. I also know how easy it is to blame...I think we all do it. It does sound like you have opened your mind and see both sides of the coin though. Thank you for being open about how you feel.

needtomoveon,

I truly know that I did this and no one else did. It is an emotional roller coaster now for me. At this point control of my life seems out of my hands. I view this whole thing as the end of the world. I worked so hard for what I had. I miss my wife and family. I do know that down the road this will seem more like a speed bump than the giant mountain that I see it as now. I have to remember that my marriage had problems that led to our separation and my current situation only compounded it. I now have seen why I do things and need to make sure I don't repeat my mistakes. I also don't believe my wife will change her mind. I recieved papers from her lawyer yesterday. She is dead set on divorcing me. It hurts so bad.

Dear aut, pops, full house, Chris and needtomoveon,

Thank you for your kind words and agreement.

Crazymum:
Your ex sounds like the classic case of a person who has a deep-seated problem and simply refuses to accept responsibility and deal with it. My H had serious problems with flirtation and the hardest part was getting him to understand that he had this need and why he was so insecure. It was a long road and he's still climbing.

Fullhouse:
I have admired your H many times through his posts which are full of wisdom and compassion. I am so glad that you and he are raising and loving grace together. I could not agree with you more about a child being a miracle regardless of its beginning.

I posted a story only last week about how badly I neglected my daughter for the first few weeks of her life. She was born after I found out about the OC, who was also a girl. I was so depressed because I imagined all the things I was going through being shared by my H with another woman! Your words especially hit home because when my H came to bring us home from the hospital, he set up the video camera in the front hallway to tape us coming in the door. That video shows him struggling to bring the baby in with a suitcase all by himself because I sat in the car crying. When I saw how sad that video looked, I vowed to not waste another moment of my daughter's precious life on regrets or sadness.

Ohbratti:
You got it backwards! Heavenly thanks God!
Sending a hug for big boy Jonas {{{Jonas}}}

Fofatty:
I am so sorry about your wife. I agree with needtomoveon -- it may not be too late.

I can tell you from my own experience that when I first learned of the A and OC, I wanted to hear my H tell me over and over again how sorry he was for what happened. I felt heartbroken, undesirable, and mostly, insecure. Another woman had walked into my life and simply taken the most important person from me. I felt so vulnerable that she would walk back in and do the same thing again. Or, worse that someone else would take him away.

Your confidence in yourself and the life you have been living gets badly shaken. And, since actions speak louder than words, you are hearing your H say he's sorry, but thinking "if he loved me HOW could he do that to me?" I would feel angry yet all the time just wanted him to wrap his arms around me and reassure me.

The emotional upheaval is so strong, it takes months just to find your center again. Have you talked to her the same way that you write in your threads? When you tell her that she is your life and the most important person in your world, how does she react?

I know it must be hard for you to see everything you love slipping away, but don't give up hope. Stay close. Show her by your new actions that your love for her comes above everything else. Try to make new memories for her that will replace the thoughts she is having now. Take every advantage to spend time with her and your daughter as a family.

Don't give up hope. If you truly love her, keep trying. I will be sending prayers your way for a happy ending.

love,
heavenly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your ex sounds like the classic case of a person who has a deep-seated problem and simply refuses to accept responsibility and deal with it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heavenly,

The sad part, I'm still married to him.

Oops!

I am soooo sorry Crazymum. I hope I did not offend you. For some reason, I had it in my mind that your H was "ex-". I think it is because you are brutally honest about his shortcomings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It must get so difficult for you sometimes. You must be so frustrated.

Keep the faith. Miracles do happen and perhaps one day he will wake up and realize that he should make some adjustments.

I certainly hope so for your sake and that of your children.

love,
heavenly

Its OK Heavenly. There are days I wonder why I'm sticking it out. I've put up with so much over theyears and still am. He is an alcholic and doesn't give a damn about his family. As I type this he is out with his friends drinking. Haven't seen him since he left for work at 10 pm thursday night. Its a normal friday thing. He never calls or anything.

Sometimes I pray that he will wake up and realize what he is missing, his kids growing up before his eyes, then other days I hope he gets into an accident and never returns. Sad.

Crazymum:
My girlfriend use to wish something very simular. I could imagine how hard this is for you with all your kids. Almost like having NO ONE AT ALL???? But maybe someoen coming in and screwing up the schedule you've created uh? How does he feel about this whole thing? Ya know the xmm and the kids? We know how he feels about his oc. Just wondering.

Ok, I am sitting here reading all of your advice, comments and beliefs. They all have helped me in one way or another. I thank you all for that but my problem is this.... H had and affair for over a year that I found out about 2 months ago. I feel the only reason I found out about it is because she became pregnant. I chose to forgive but not forget. OW said she would get an abortion however when he told her that it was over between them and he was staying with me, she now refuses to do it. I feel she is only using this child as a hold over H. She has made many threats to me and my kids and H also but yet he says he feels bad for her. I find out she is on meds for some sort of mental instabilities and not sure if she still is pregnant. My question is this, do H and I sit and wait to hear from lawyer/courts as to whether he will be paying CS or should he try to call her and find out? Keep in mind, he begged me to forgive him and he promised me he would not have anything to do with her ever again. But yet, I am tired of living in limbo. I made the decision that if he chooses to have anything to do with this child, except CS, then I will not stay. I cannot handle that. H and I have two children of our own. This whole situation isnt fair to anyone but I also feel that OW said she was going to abort it until she found out H is staying with me. That, to me, is doing it for spite. How awful to use a child that way!

NTMO,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I could imagine how hard this is for you with all your kids. Almost like having NO ONE AT ALL????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do feel like a single mother. H does nothing to help out around the couch. He goes out everyday after work and parties. Comes home and goes to sleep. Only the youngest 2 actually see him during the week. Sometimes only Alex,2. Every friday he stays out all day without contacting us to see if everything is ok. The only reason the house payment gets made, its taken directly out of his check. He blows everything else. Right now he uses my affair as an excuse for doing what he does, but he was doing this since we got together. When I did have a job, I would get calls from the neighbors cause the kids were crying. Turns out he was passed out and they were on there own. 10 mths, 4 & 6 at the time. I did quit my job due to this. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. A no win situation. I would leave, but then I look at it this way- The kids don't see him much and when they do, I'm here ans stickup for them and watch there backs, if I leave him he gets visitation and the kids go aone with him and only god knows what will happen then.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How does he feel about this whole thing? Ya know the xmm and the kids? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hates it. He has gotten in a fight with XMM before. Doesn't want him to see the kids. I would agree if our marriage was better and he was a better influnce on the kids, but he's not. His actions speak so much louder than his words.

I AM SORRY THAT NEEDTOM0VEON HASN'T AND I AM SURE THE W AND LK ARE SORRY ALSO. YOU ARE JUST HUMAN AND SO ARE WE. SO I GUESS AS A BS I FEEL A LITTLE DIFFERENT ABOUT IT THAN YOU DO. TELL ME HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU IF YOU WERE THE W? THE OC IS NOT TO BLAME BUT IF THEIR MOM CAN'T BACK OFF AND LET THE W BE STEPMOM IT'S REALLY ON YOU ISN'T IT. I MEAN IF THE W IS WILLING TO STEP IN AND BE A POSITIVE ROLL MODEL FOR THE OC, WHOM NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAVE HAD THE SENSE TO BE THEN WHERE IS THE PROBLEM? MY HUSBAND HAS AN OC AND IT EATS THE OW UP THAT I WANT SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIM. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG AND I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. LET'S DO IT RIGHT LET'S SHOW ALL OUR CHILDREN HOW WHEN PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES YOU LOVE THEM ANYWAY AND MARRIGE IS NOT A PLACE THAT ANYONE CAN WALK IN AND TAKE OVER! COME ON BETRAYED WE HAVE TO REMEMBER WE ARE THE ONES THAT THEY MARRIED AND THE ONES IN MOST CASES THEY WANT TO BE WITH! LET HER HAVE HER SAY. DOES IT REALLY MATTER. ONE MORE IMMORAL PERSON ON EARTH THAT DOESN'T HAVE AN INKLING OF CARE FOR ANOTHER PERSON. WE ARE THE SPOUSES AND WE HAVE THE LK SO WHATS THE POINT SHES JUST ANGRY BECAUSE SHE ISN'T GETTING HER WAY. YOU KNOW I THOUGHT THE SELFISHNESS WAS SUPPOSED TO END WITH THE AFFAIR.
I AM SURE YOUR A GOOD MOM, BUT WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH THE MM FAMILY? I CARE ABOUT THE OC AND I GET A LITTLE JELOUS. I ALSO UNDERSTAND THIS AND TRY TO STEP ASIDE, RECENTER, AND REFOCUS. I STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO SEE OC WE HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHT AND YOU KNOW THATS OK TOO.

Bran, if I got what your post said....your asking me how I would feel if I was the bs? I WAS a bs. More than once. Never with an oc. I know that the bs is hurt. I know that it takes time. I'm not saying that the bs or xmm HAS to have contact. That's NOT what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that not all OW are out to screw the xmm. I'm not. I know what I did was wrong. I'm not however going to go have an abortion or adopt my child out just because it does not fit in with xmm plans. He helped make that child, and I FOR ONE did not ever plan on having kids after my girls. I was done. Accidents do happen and poor xmm should not have to pay for his share of that accident? xmm was helping with that accident. Is it fair to the bs? NOPE!!!! It sure is not. But the bs has choisen to stay in that marriage and make it work. She has to come to terms with it just as the ow has to come to terms with it. It works both ways. I feel just as strongly as Lynn feels (but on different sides of the track) about taking away from that oc just to protect her kids, but you know what that is fine becasue she and YOU are not in my shoes just as I am not in your shoes. If you are so sure that your uh is remorsefull then why is it so hard to believe that the ow can't be either? Because she had sex with your husband? Well he had sex with the ow. They are both in it together!!!!! NO there is no way to look at it any differently. I realized that some ow are mean but so are some bs uh hey people in general. I know I have not approaced my xmm even about telling his w. I don't care....that is his cross to bear. I've faced all the people I need to face and deal with this situation. I feel good about my decisions and how I've handled this whole mess. I've PAID for it just in the few months it happened (the pregnancy) and know exactly what is what. Xmm....he is walking around like nothing happened. He is hiding the fact that he even had an affair. He had an affair with me for over 1 year. It was never a "bad thing" until I got pregnant. It was because he was on the edge of getting caught. He still has enough trust in me to know that I won't get into his business even under these exterme circumstances so why am so concerned? After hearing Lynn I'm scared to death that my xmm and his w will try and cheat my child out of support. She is venditvie enough. She already is mean and this will send her over the edge and xmm is so scared of her he'll go along with it to save his own a$$. Because of my feelings of his w and xmm do I think they are all like that NO. But coming to this site as made me realize how I also need to protect my child (as w is protecting hers) in case someone tries to screw my child over.
So I'm not sure if this is what you were talking about, but I tried to answer this the best I could.

I had no intention of getting involved with this post but I have to respond to this...

///But the bs has choisen to stay in that marriage and make it work. ///

That makes as much sense as a BS saying to an ow you chose to have this baby now live with it.
And I mean live with it with no support from mm.
It makes NO sense does it ?
Neither does that comment above.

Who cares if OW are offended here? I lurk here sometimes, and I thought this was a place to make BS feel better, and to help them heal. What good is it, if BS has to tippy-toe so as not to anger OW! I agree with the title of this thread. OW feelings do not matter! A BS should never have to apologize for venting feelings on this board!!! If the OW do not like it, maybe they shouldn't be here.

OW are INTERLOPERS and knew they were getting sloppy seconds when they embarked on the affair. Why should BS be concerned about what the OC gets??? If BS sees fit to protect her assets for the children of the marriage - why the heck not?!

Some of the OW here are real pieces of work. Some (not all) do not seem interested in marriage building, just pressing buttons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

GB
I couldn't have said it better!!