As someone stated, since this child was conceived and will be born in a marriage, you will automaticly be the father. The only way to change this is if you sign something stating your not.

My XMM took me to court to get rights for our daughter. He lost. The judge stated that even if we had a DNA test proving XMM was the bio father it didn't matter. The fact that the child was conceived and born in a marriage automatically made her my H.

Follwing up on what Crazymum & aimee2 stated, it seems that Penna. is similar (if not identical) in requirements to what they asserted. That gives me reasonable assurance that my W & I could raise the child as "our" own without being further disturbed my the OM in light of his M.

Finally was/am able to be angry with my W; it is important, I think. The unbridled rage has been replaced by a lingering simmer that allows me to think with some clarity. MC begins on Friday.

My W works at the same place as the OM; I am reasonable confident the A is over, but still uneasy about that nexus. I'd rather her find another place to work, but given that she's probably going to be a "stay at home" mom I think it should be ok. I've yet to do it, but I want to tell her that I feel that she should avoid all contact with the OM. If there's a work issue, she should send someone else to do it. If it's unavoidable, someone should go with her so he never sees her alone.

Question for those raising a WS OC, specifically to WWs that are raising the OC with thir FH: What is your take on telling the child of their paternity? Do you let them know that they're "father" may not be their bio-dad? If you do tell them, do you tell them that mom had an A? I'm still trying to figure out the birth cirtificate issue.

Question for all: If there's a need for some testing for a medical condition, is it wise to allow for the possibility that the OM and the OM's legitimate child could be a match? My personal thought is that we keep that info in a safety deposit box all but forgotten unless something like such a medical emergency occurs.

I'll be speaking with a Family Law specialist in the near future to iron some of these issues out, but the input here has been invaluable thus far and I'm not ready to giveup the experience from those in these ugly trenches.

Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question for those raising a WS OC, specifically to WWs that are raising the OC with thir FH: What is your take on telling the child of their paternity? Do you let them know that they're "father" may not be their bio-dad? If you do tell them, do you tell them that mom had an A? I'm still trying to figure out the birth cirtificate issue. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that the child deserves to know the truth. The only thing is knowing the right time. That is something you, as parents will have to decide. It depends on how your child is, as far as personality and understanding. In our case, we also need to be explaining the whole situation to our older two children! There are just so many different variables that it's really up to the parents to decide if and when.

In our case, we probably could go the rest of Abbi's life, and never say a word, since the xOM doesn't know, and Abbi is my blood type. Your example of the xOM being a match for medical stuff isn't a factor for us because of that. I also know quite a bit of the xOM's medical history, and didn't feel it necessary to find anything else out.

So, you see, it's such a wide spectrum, you will need to work the exact details out with your W on the when, how, and what. I still recommend reading up on the POJA(policy of joint agreement) as that will be one of your best tools in this specific situation.

Hope I was able to help.

Tigger

Ferruz,

I am not just a BS, I am an OC also and I play one on TV. OK, just kidding about the "tv" part of it.

I learned the truth at 35 when my family had to go through genetic counseling. My parents were afraid the truth would come out and they told me the truth. It nearly tore my world apart. It hurt as much as my H's affair and child. Honestly, others will tell you that nothing can every hurt as much as a spouse's betrayal, but I am telling you in my case it did. I nearly died of the depression it caused.

I have posted my story as an OC on here many, many times and don't have the energy to repeat it. Would you mind looking up my old posts? If you can't find it, I will dig around for it, but it will be a couple of days until I have enough time.


Suffice it to say, that parents may think that they can keep this secret. The truth is that the object of the secret often senses something wrong in the family. My mother didn't love me more than her other (later) daughters, but she saw me as fragile, of needing a great deal of protection that she didn't see my other sisters needing. I can't tell if the fragility was truly a part of my inborn personality or was a result of her fear for me. I could be hurt in ways that the children of the marriage could not be hurt. My mother says she doesn't and never did look at me and see her lover, or see the life she didn't have with him. She swears she was able to separate me from my conception. She also returned to the marriage without ever telling OM that she was pregnant. She was smart enough to see the beginnings of his alcoholism and shiftless life.

As for my Dad, the man who raised me, we have a mystical, spiritual connection. He is the person I adore most in life and the place where I always felt safest. I felt I lost all that when I learned of my DNA. It took me a long time to feel safe and loved again. He had to tell me over and over that he treated me just like his other children because, not because I was like his other children, but that I WAS HIS in every way that mattered. Now that we have adopted two boys, I can understand that. My Dad says he was there for every important moment of my life, except for one of the least important--my conception. Shoot there I go again getting all misty. I get from him a love I didn't earn; he is the living example for me of God's grace, another love that I didn't and can't earn.

I would say that the child also needs to know for medical reasons. For example, before I knew of this, a relative of mine was near to death from a a suicide attempt, she was only 14 years old at the time. The doctors were asking family members if they could donate half a liver to save her life. I said that yes, I would go through the surgery and risk to save this child, but it turns out we aren't biologically related and I had as good a chance of matching her as any random stranger off the street. What a horrible way to learn the truth that would have been. She recovered without the liver transplant though for a number of days it looked very iffy.

I'm happy to chat with you about this, but hope you can go catch up on the details of my story from one of my old posts.

MJ

I see from general opinion (this thread and others), is that the child should know at an early age that his bio-father is not me.

What of telling him that the bio-dad was nothing more than a "donor?" As doctors have said I have almost no chance of having a child due to infertility, thus allowing us to avoid having to tell the child of my W's A. Truthfully, that's how I'm trying to approach the prospect of raising the child. Certainly the manner in which the "donor" was selected was less than ideal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> such services are available.

In short, I'd like a minimal paper trail and wonder if a white lie or a lie of ommission would work, especially given that the OM would be personna non grata anywhere near us.

ferruz,

i've been wanting to respond to you for a couple days, but seeing as liam (my oc) is only 5 months old, i don't have much free time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

although my h and i are younger than you and your w, our timelines are about the same. we've been married for just over three years and together for almost seven - but at the time of d-day, we'd been married just over two years and together almost six.

the other similarity is that we didn't have any other kids either. liam is our first, so... we're about a year past where you are now. i think the short time we've been married and the fact that it's the first child for both of us (as in me and h and you and your w) gives this a different twist than most here who have years and years already invested in their marriages and a family to consider.

when i told my h that i was pregnant and that it wasn't his, his reaction was exactly like yours. he didn't want it or anything to do with it. he said he'd NEVER love it and that i'd taken away his first born child. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> when we were trying to reconcile, i'd ask what i could do to help him and his response was always that he wanted me to not be pregnant.

but NOW, a little over a year later our son, is five months old and my h says he couldn't imagine his/our life without him (liam) and that he was likely the best thing that could've happened.

do we wish things had happened differently? you bet! but we've come such a long way in a short time and we're both so thankful for liam and that we didn't make any rash decisions right off the bat.

as far as telling liam about his paternity... well i guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. imho, until a child is old enough to actually understand the concept of family and the different members, etc, there's really no point stressing about it.

in our case, om knows about liam but respected my decision to stay with my h. although he wouldn't turn liam away if someday he came looking for him (at least that's what he said the last time we spoke and things may very likely change once he has a family of his own). my bigger concern is that liam will find out from someone other than us. our immediate family knows, aswell as some extended family members and friends. we already know that certain info has been shared with people we would've rather it hadn't been, but such is life. i've given up trying to control other people and what they're gonna think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

as for the birth certificate, my h's name is on it. when we were filling out the birth record information in the hospital there were four statements in regards to paternity. if my h could answer yes to any one, he could put his name down as the father. the one statement went something like, "you were legally married to, and living with, the mother at the time of conception." so my h's name is on liam's bc. like some other posters have mentioned, in most cases a child born into a marriage is automatically assumed to be a product of that marriage.

i think i've rambled long enough here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

good luck with the mc.

amy

I have a question.

When it's the WW who has the child, the BH has the option of being on the birth certificate. That is great. In my situation, I have no choice. I am not part of that child's life other than the fact that I am willing to accept it.

I guess the only way I can describe it, is that feel left out. It's something between him and OW, I am just a bystander.

Is there another way I could look at this?

Amethyst03, thanks for the post; having someone in a very similar situation helps with relating to various scenarios. If I can have my name put on the BC, that would be incredible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LMF, I don't know, but if you have custody of the child and have adopted it, you may be able to get an amended BC. Not sure, I'm not a lawyer, I just work around a lot of them.

Heh, humor... it's returning to me... slowly, ever so slowly....

ferruz,

does your w read here at all? do you think she'd be open to that? i remember how totally confused i was... when i found this site it felt like i could finally breathe again!

if she'd be interested in emailing my address is liams_mom_03@hotmail.com. though it might be weird for her to email a virtual stranger (hey, was that a pun? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), so i won't be hurt if she doesn't.

it'd still do her good to read here though.

amy

Amethyst03, I showed her the cite last Sunday. She knows I've been doing a lot of reading and posting and now she know's where I've been doing it. She would even recognize my screen name were she to see it.

I've left the ball firmly in her court as to how far into the cite she wants to get. Internet is not really her bailiwick.

The Harleys recommend telling the child (fairly early) of their paternity. Look through the section where W. Harley answers "questions" from readers. I think that many or most of the "questions" are made up so that he can present his views, but none-the-less he does take a stand on disclosure.

What I wanted you to know is that the parent bond between the father and the child in these cases can be very, very strong and it can be a very positive relationship for both the dad (the one raising the OC) and the child.

Ferruz, I don't often get my feelings hurt here on this board. I know that you asked how others are handling telling/not telling their OC (by the w's affair) of their paternity. I am not in your exact situation, but I thought I might have something to offer as someone who has been raised in a similar situation. Did my post help in any way or should I just butt out? I put a lot of work into my reponse and I just want to know if you would prefer I step out of the way.

MJ

MJ, by no means do I mean any offense; all the posts offering response I have found the comments, input and advice everyone has offered of extreme value. Moreover, I consider much of what I have read from everyone, in large measure, very much contributory to my decision to work on my M and to raise the OC as my own. Most certainly your post to my thread and the thread where you outline your experiences were of value as having been on both sides of this situation.

Being faily new to message boards, there's still a lot of etiquette that I'm piecing together. My faux pas are nothing to be considered as intended offense. If I feel someone has crossed the line, I'd be sure to tell them of that fact and why; I'd expect the same were I to blatantly offend someone.

Moreover, I came here to have people "butt in" and provide me their unbiased and anonymous input, favorable or no. Part of the "charm" this type of medium presents.

Again, my apologies.

Thanks Ferruz. You really don't need to apologize. No one has to like my input or take my suggestions. I just felt a bit like I was yelling into the wind.

Actually, I am surprised that you are as functional as you are given that you are only a few weeks from D-day. I think I appreared OK to the world, but I was a huge, huge mess inside. You seem to be doing OK.

MJ

MJ, I'm actually surprised at my not being more reactive and controlled then what I am, too. I find myself drawing on the lessons I learned when I got into a bit of a legal mess when I was in college; I had to make a decision on how I was going to live my life. I learned that it matters not so much what has happened, but to figure out how to proceed and respond, and that any decision made cannot be determined without the benefit of a rational and measured approach.

In considering the mess I made then and the mess that my W made now I concluded that, after accounting for all factors, a happy life is still in the cards. I just don't have the royal flush I thought; but with my dog, 2 cats, wife and now child, I think I certainly have a "full house." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ferruz~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I learned that it matters not so much what has happened, but to figure out how to proceed and respond </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very wise, and so true. What has happened has happened, can't change the past. The question is, where and how do we proceed from here? Plus the old adage we cannot control what others do or think, but we can control our own actions and responses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and that any decision made cannot be determined without the benefit of a rational and measured approach. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is probably something you don't want to hear, but IMHO all decisions can also be more easily determined with the benefit of prayer. I'd be lost without it, and He does answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think the biggest mistake my H ever made was to not sell a particular tech stock when the Nasdaq was going gangbusters. We lost 100k in profits, that would've gone toward college. I held it over his head for a time, but not long, because he was beating himself up enough over what he called his "greediness" thinking it would go even higher instead of crash. We were just talking about that stock the other day, and I said, "remember how mad I was you didn't sell when it was high, and what a 'windfall' we lost out on? Wow, that is soooooooooo miniscule compared to what I've done!!, I'm costing you way more than 100k!!" We are at the point now where we both were able to laugh at my comment. We also now POJA about stock selling and/or keeping!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take good care, Ferruz!
~autumnday