ok, ok, ok....whew..deep breath here.....

The "hitting" thing was coming from a 3 yo out of the blue, I don't think OC hit 3yo, last time we had OC, OC came in tattling that 3 yo hit her! That was why I didn't make a big deal of it when 3yo mentioned it. I didn't even make a big deal of it when OC mentioned it because I think OC uses things like that sometimes to get attention. (like many children)I knew when 3 yo mentioned it that that was not his point, there was something else, that is sometimes hard to get out of a 3 yo. He had started the entire conversation by stating he was mad at daddy......... It had been a week since last "visit" w/ OC so when I told 3yo we were going to pick up OC "tomorrow", his reaction was worth noting since that was his first, immediate response.

And older one doesn't say how HE feels about it, he seems settled now, well, I guess now that I'm thinking about it, he is indifferent to OC, didn't want to sit by her in the car yesterday. Didn't make a loud big deal about it in front of her or anything, but set up her carseat so that he would not be next to her, choosing instead to sit between the younger siblings carseats, so he went a bit out of his way to make sure. When I asked him why he just didn't sit by OC, he just said he didn't want to and I left it at that.

I thought it was just a normal reaction to such shocking revelations and changes in his life. Yes, I regret it now.....but we're HERE now, so I am trying to think/decide/figure out, if it would be best to make changes in the current situation NOW, or if it is really too late.

I don't want my c to grow up to think they are "disposable" BUT I do not want them to think their feelings are not important, they come last, or that this is a normal situation.

The opposite positions you 2 are taking is exactly where I am @----in the middle---back and forth in my mind. I have been discussing this with my H, (more me than him) and he would do whatever I wanted if I really wanted him to but I don't want to be responsible for that decision but he does highly regard my opinions so I can be honest w/ him about how I feel about it. I think his current state of mind is to see what happens on Thursday @ the hearing and we keep hoping (and praying)things will work out for the best in the end.

I am an adult and can handle whatever, but my question to myself, which you have answered differently, is whether I SHOULD be. Do I enforce what I want for my kids OR try to even out the playing field for all the kids involved. That's what I go back and forth on. I look @ 11yo and imagine if that is what the future holds for the 3 and 1yo. Or will they be more ok since they have been involved w/OC at a younger age. I know that none of you can predict the future but some of you have shown that you have experience here and I value that.

I think it is way different, pops, on your end because that OC has been there from the beginning, it is a lot easier to love a newborn baby then it is to love a 4 1/2 yo. That is just the truth.

Maybe I have to stay off this message board before I go crazy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

lynn,,,,,,, i disagree with ending contact at this point in time in kt's case.

i am not one to stuff things in the closet and try and hide them away. i want to meet things head on so i can deal with them now and know where i am at all times. i will say it again that ending contact now in no way garantees there will be nc later on when oc grows up. and you can bet for sure that if they started nc now the ow would be sure to plant the seeds of curiosity in the oc's head.

kt and her h have semmingly worked very hard to get as much visitation as they have. obviously this is not just a "do the right thing" effort. there is a reason they went to all the trouble and put up with ow's tirades. maybe her h is one that just wants to know all his c's.

there 2 boys HAVE a sister like it or not. maybe she wasn't concieved in the most desired fashion but she is still their sister.

as far as the 10 yo and his friends. if his parents teach him to just tell his friends that she is his half sister, they share the same father but she has a different mother i'll again bet you a dollar to your donut that those friends will just drop the questions and accept it.

as afr as my kids and grace are concerned. when we told them that fh was preg. and that i was NOT the father all they cared about was whether it was going to be a boy or girl and whose room was the baby going to share. now that's what kids are worried about. not how did she get here.

now as far as the 3 yo being hit by the 1-1/2 yo. come on tell me you are not making a mountain out of a molehill with this in an attempt to get kt to go nc. don't you think that her 3 yo has hit her 10 yo somewhere along the line because the little one wanted a toy back or something. so what now throw the 10 yo out into the street. hell my kids get into fights on a regular bases. that's part of growing up with bro's/sis's. i know you said your kids are grown but when they were small you didn't ship one off to grandmas house for 18 years because they fought or hit one of their siblings? what happened with that 3 yo and his sis is perfectly normal. grace hit me the other day when we were playing and yelled "no". so what am i supposed to do now send off to om's house before she poisons my kids?

i agree that with you that there are some instances where nc is the best option. but not here. you have given some excellent advice in many cases here especially about getting legal representation. but ypou also seem to think that nc is the only way. tigger4jgtklmsxyz <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (sorry tigger i couldn't remember the last few letters of your screen name) and gemini come to mind. also that famous feline, catnip (who by the way has said that even she would consider it now). which it is not. mary janes is handleing contact along with another poster who is dealing with twins and i must appoligize that i can't recall her name right now. must be the gray matter expanding thru my brain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

kt,,,,, you and you h have worked so hard to get as much visitation as you have. i would say don't cave in to ow's crazyness now. i truely believe that you, your h and your kids (all 4) will reap huge benefits if you stay the course you have started and hold fast.

one kind of evil positive side to all this is that you may find some satisfaction in knowing you are driving the ow nuts by being in her life now.

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

kt,,,, sorry the previous post didn't show up untill i posted this one. looks like it was delayed because i posted at the same time you did.

you and your h have gone to great lengths to get the visitation that you have. i can't see throwing in the towel now. try not to blame oc for ow's antics.

you said it yourself that the hitting issue wasn't the big deal that some reacted to. siblings fight and argue. it's part of family life.

yes it is easy to love a newborn. you said that your oc has been around for 1-1/2 years. that means she was 3 when she came into your lives. i have never met a 3 year old that i didn't like. the parents, now that is a different story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

ktbunch,
Ok when you had your kids what were the odds of having a complete strange child come into the mix and suddenly they were expected to greet this kid as if it were normal?

It is not.

All kids on the playground are not accepted either. Hard cruel fact.

Do you want the constant upheaval of that oc's Mom forever?

Do you want to spend attorneys fees just so you can see oc?

The 11 year old will be embarrassed in the future and the 3 year old is jealous. Their MENTAL health should be of concern to you and your H!

I agree with LynnG.

Stop all contact because it can only cause the majority more pain.

Living daily with oc is totally different than visits.

Visits only disrupt what can be a peaceful normal family life.

Look at any divorced friends you have and see what an interruption it is to have weekend visits.

The kids suffer too. Not knowing where they truly belong.

Our son is older but suffered greatly by an oc!

Does not even consider the fact of being related.

It's the cold truth and it happens more often than not in these mixed situations.

Blessing KT.

Choose your family first.

love
Debi

What may be good for one may not be good for another.

We have contact with my H oc and Xow. My oldest daughter,12, admitts she has another brother and is not embaressed about him. She will tell people that her brother is from her dad and has a different mother. The fact that the kids have a brother that doesn't live here hasn't really bothered them.

As for the hitting. At that age its normal. At least with all the toddlers I've seen.

Good luck KT

just for clarification; My C w/ H: "almost" 11yo b, 3yo b, 1 yo g, OC "almost" 6yo g, met OC @ 4 1/2 yo . not that it matters.

We will see what happens @ hearing tomorrow. (Thursday) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well KT, there you have it in a nutshell. Arguments on all sides!! I don't envy you at all.

I will ask you one question. Who is looking out for the best interest of your children? Not the oc, but YOUR children?

Pops makes a point when he says they have a 1/2 sister. I tend to disagree. When a child is conceived in the back seat of a car, or a seedy motel room, lots of people get hurt. One of the many innocent victims of this, is the oc. What makes the OC and their interests more important then the needs of the children of the marriage?

I disagree with contact cause I see it as disruptive to everyone involved.

I cannot stress enough how much I agree with EVERY word that Lynn has posted.

I am totally against contact, especially if the marriage is going to be repaired, especially if the marriage has existing children. There is no possible way to ever explain away how my husband's OC is only 8 months younger than my now 18 year old son. And that is the first thing that my then 16 year old son said when he found out about this OC after my husband and the OW picked up on their 15 year old past affair 2 years ago and we found out about the OC.......He asked "Mom, how in the world can Daddy expect us to look the other way and act like this entire situation is not wrong? How can I explain to my friends that a "sister" has suddenly appeared, they will know that Daddy went out on you while you were pregnant with me. How can they not judge me for my father's sins and treat me differently or just quit being my friend because they think we are trash?" Etc, Etc, Etc. I saw right then that ENOUGH shame and damage had already been inflicted on this child, a child who used to look up to this father who was capable of keeping this secret OC that he himself had never seen or acknowledged for 15 years and now suddenly wanted to thrust into our lives. I put the question to my husband right then that our 16 year old son put to me to ask him......."where is your loyalty?, haven't you been with us as a family for these past 17 years, where does SHE fit in now?" We had a dozen family meetings, words, tears, door slammings, for weeks over this and my husband finally got out of the fog and saw how much pain he had inflicted and that we couldn't endure anymore if we were to repair the damage. I knew I couldn't deal with contact for the sake of this oldest son. My husband was still determined to try something, but when he cut the OW out of the picture, she told him that he would NEVER see OC again. And at 15 1/2 years old, the OC still went along with that and didn't act like she cared if she saw him again or not, so that let him know that all this was more the OW doings to get back into his life than it was for the sake of the OC. But my now 18 year old son will NEVER get past those days and weeks of the turmoil in this house, he will never feel secure in knowing that he can trust his father in our marriage, even if I am truly trying to trust him myself. Our son will not voice this to my husband personally, only to me. And he has also voiced that he hopes to heaven that his 10 year old brother NEVER finds out, never has to realize what his father was capable of, that he lives in a world that is sheltered differently since he is so young and wouldn't understand for years to come. So, a child shall lead them. And I did become the lioness in this house when I knew my children's happiness was at stake and I did make ultimatums. I am not proud of it, I sometimes feel that I had no right to deny my husband contact if he wanted it, but he did have to choose because it wasn't going to damage our sons lives in any way.

So tell me who in the world can say that this OC is a 1/2 sister to our 2 boys? One doesn't want to even acknowledge her existence and the other one will hopefully never have to try. Blood shouldn't mean everything; I know lots of real 100% siblings who were raised together in a decent happy surrounding and after adulthood they grew apart and have no ties to speak of, so why do we all try and force this unnatural situation into our lives? Are we that desperate and needy to make our marriages work that we succumb to the pressures we feel to welcome this OC into our lives for the sake of what our spouses want? Did our spouses think about what we wanted one single minute while they were off in these affairs creating these OC? Did the OW even consider us or our existing children? NO, NO, NO. Maybe by allowing all these "blended" situations to look normal, we, on a whole, are sending messages to this new generation that there are no reasons to have morals and these are the people who are going to grow up to govern this country when we are old and yet another generation is coming into the world.......where will things end up and will they ever stop declining?

I realize I may have crossed the line on this post in some people's minds, but I am so tired of seeing half my 10 year old's classmates families being divorced, sharing a second set of siblings, weekend visitation fights, deadbeat parents, poverty, and all because we as adults haven't got enough will power or morals or whatever you want to blame it on, to keep our vows intact and live our lives like God intended in the first place. And no, I am not a prude, I am not saying that I am perfect by any means, because most days I still have a large thread of me that feels like trash for staying with this man that did this to our marriage, but I am just asking that we all take a good hard look at the world around us and try and make a difference before our children have it much worse. Okay, I am stepping off my soap box.......

Deltamoon

My sister is an OC. Her bio-father wanted nothing to do with her till she was 12. So for 12 yrs her father never told the other kids that they had a sister. Some are older and some younger. She is now 22 and has a wonderful relationship with all of her brothers and sisters. I don't know all the details of what happen with her father, only that he passed away this past summer and her siblings called her immediatly to inform her and have her come to town. They were sad when she left.

Not all kids are bitter. Not all kids hold grudges. I was one who had to explain to others why my father wasn't my sisters father. It was embaressing explaining my mom was a whore, but why should I treat my sister differently?? I also know that just because your blood related doesn't mean crap. I also have an adopted sister. Love just like the 3 sisters I have.

I guess I'm just the type of person who doesn't take the punishment out on the ones who had nothing to do with it. I care for my H oc just like my own. I hate the Xow. I'm not going to make a child pay for the parents mistakes/wrong doings.

kt: it sounds like you and your husband are really trying to do what you think is best. I can tell you right now no matter what state your in, when you go to court the judge is going to do what is best for that child. The ow in your case had NO right to bring you guys in, then treaten to take you out? Is that best for any child? What if your husband would of been married to this women? What would you and him want to do? Say NO affair ever happened but he was married to her? I have twin 5 year olds and oh my gosh they fight. They are in the tatleing stage and it drives me up the wall. Will it ever end? They are both doing it, but telling on each other. I agree with pops it can be done, just get this women under control. She brings your husband and his family into this and you all accept and do what you feel is best to ajust and all, and well I just don't understand her feelings. This girl is not a baby, she understands more now than she would of being a newborn. Good luck to you and I hope it all turns out for the best.

Finished w/court today, OW did not even mention anything about waiving rights or not being involved. I don't even know if she told her lawyer that she had brought it up. Still agreed w/ schedule we wanted.

Everything will stay the same....for now. H says has long range goals of eventually moving away to entire different state anyway....so...we will spend the holidays and then eventually will probably start tapering things off from there. Not so abrupt. Will not warn OW or discuss plans w/her, will just start doing it.

I don't know if that will ever really happen or not. I can only take one day at a time and maybe start to assert myself more and more in "real" life.

I don't consider NC a punishment! I do see it as a consequence of a decision 2 people selfishly chose for themselves without regards to all the other people it would affect who didn't have a choice. Sad but true! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AND if NC is considered a punishment for the OC then wouldn't contact be a punishment for MY C? And I think C MAY SOMETIMES be in the best interest of OC (and that seems to be the main "pro" arguement) but I don't think it is in the best interests of my children!

I have tried to think/compare the issue to a marriage/divorce situation....BUT it does not even compare, I find it insulting honestly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> If this were a divorce situation then I would have married INTO a step-parenting role, fully aware of that situation, not have it thrust upon me unwillingly as the result of a potentially devastating betrayal. And there would be some history between Xwife and H and I would expect his relationship w/ his children to come 1st, BUT w/ this situation it's nothing even close to that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

There used to be a time when illigitimate children weren't even acknowledged legally, in any way, which is extreme, I know.....but now we have come sooooo far the other direction that illigitimate C are now entitled to MORE than legitimate C. Where's the fairness & logic in that? The only way for FS to protect themselves and their C is to legally separate or divorce altogether and they have to do it FIRST, doesn't matter which children came first! If they don't then the court system has the "option" to consider the financial support that they are morally entitled too! How is that not a punishment for them? No "option" to support OC, legally (forced) "obligated" to! How is that fair? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> So if my children have a 2 parent, intact, home, they are not entitled to afford new shoes, or since there are 2 parents and OW "has to" work, FS can get a job too to make up for loss of income to CS????? Who cares for these children? Who is putting thier needs first? NO ONE, so why should all these FS/ mothers have to care about all these OC so much!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This is just crazy!!!

Try saying all this out loud and then maybe you can see/hear how crazy this all is! WE made a HUGE mistake to get involved...future advice...don't do it!!! We can't change the fact that we got involved but we can change the fact of staying involved.

WE can't control/change our S decisions to have an A but if it happens and S wants to stay married and OW "just happens" to get pregnant, don't wait until it's too late to realize how horribly painful this can be! Choose NC now!!! FS can choose/control that and WS will agree if they really want to keep their marriage and family. Why should they get both?

And you know what?, I'm NOT going to step off MY soap box today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

ktbunch,
Well said and vent away!

You do have choices and can negotiate with H and well should.

I see how contact is bothering you, how all of tthe court battles are bothering you. You need to be honest with your H about contact!

You vent here any time you wish.

Blessings and prayers.
love,
Debi

kt,,,,,,,,

-------------------------------------------------
And I think C MAY SOMETIMES be in the best interest of OC (and that seems to be the main "pro" arguement)
-------------------------------------------------
just wanted to clarify this from MY viewpoint. when i was recommending c in your situation it had nothing to do with "in the best interest of the oc".

i try very hard to look at each case here on its individual merits.

so my thoughts were not for the oc but instead for ALL the c's involved especially considering their ages. which i was confused on until you clearified them. had i realized their true ages i would have probbly presented a more agessive arguement on the long term effect. but that's just me.

i hope all works out for ALL the c's.

pops

I expect some "long term affects".

At first I did not believe OW when she told us about OC emotional issues w/regards to us being in OC life. I thought it was just a tactic OW was using to get us OUT of OC life, OC was (and still does) acted fine w/ us, no unusually-over-emotional or angry outbursts. And at first, OW did not make it clear to us what was going on w/ OC. OW only "suggestion" was always for us to see OC LESS and OW refused to see that OC was also going through OTHER "new" and life altering changes, always said OC emotional issues were only because of us.

After talking w/ others who know C who's parents are divorced and describing similar behavior.....and OW being more open w/ us (although still only blames us) I think there may be some truth to it. OC still acts fine when w/us but OW describes extreme behavior/patterns upon returning to OW care. (possibly provoked/encouraged by OW) OW says it is worse the longer amounts of time OC is w/us. But there is no extreme behaviors w/ us no matter if OC is w/ us longer or shorter.

I also notice different behaviors w/ my 3yo depending if OC is here w/us for her regular straight long weekend or long midweek, where OC is gone @ school during the day. During weekends 3yo has positive behaviors but during the school week, demonstrates negativity towards OC. The coming and going, although routine for OC, is disruptive to 3yo. (3yo is used to having siblings around all day)

This has also influenced my confusion and leaning, now, towards NC. OC would be able to understand more and express personal feelings better as she gets older, so I think, why all the suffering now? If we start tapering off to NC, and then as she gets older and our C are older, if she wants to resume C, we would never turn OC away. We would then be able to explain the choices made (including the truth about the wrong ones)and that they really were in the best interest of all C involved. She could then process all the info and choose how to react. Same as w/ our C.

I know being the BS, I can have other motives & feelings, which I have been going/fighting against this past year, but I also do care about OC or else I would not even be in this situation in the first place. After looking at (and praying about) the big picture, I feel, in my heart, this is the right thing to do for everyone, unless OC suddenly becomes emotionally stable again it the next few months. (which I don't anticipate happening)

OW was always trying to imply that OC was not dong well because OC did not want to be w/us while OC was asking to spend more time w/us, which is why we pursued more time w/OC. I now think it is really because OC sees/realizes what she does not have (one stable intact home) and this is upsetting to her(OC). Which causes her to be so upset w/out being able to comprehend and express her true feelings. IF she is just in one place (home) she can accept that place for what it is.

I don't know the future and can only make decisions based on the information I have available to me now, so this is it. This is what I see, in our case, in our situation. This is just too much and too overwhelming for any child to have to deal with.

I'm glad it's working out for all of you who made decisions from the beginning, stick w/ them and I'm sure it will continue to work out. I am confident that all the decisions you have made have been the best and right ones for your own families. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT,
I wish your family the best in your decision of NC, but I would like to point out my experience concerning your statement of the OC wanting contact to be initiated at some point and time later in life. In our case, evidently the older the OC, the worse things can be. At least with a baby or a toddler, some bonds can be formed at an early impressionable age that may help form who the OC turns out to be. With my husband's OC, who entered his life after contact initiated by the OW after 15 some odd YEARS, she proved to be a carbon copy of the OW before it was over. She was manipulative and deceptive and had huge puppet strings that her mother pulled to get my husband to do things that he now sees were nothing of the OC's desires. The OC had found out that my husband was her bio-father when she was 13 1/2. Her mother told her, in a fit of rage, that the deadbeat that the OC THOUGHT was her bio-dad, actually was not her real father, but it was my husband - and no, this deadbeat divorced the OC's mother when the OC was 4 and outside of child support for a child that to this day he thinks is his, he has had NO contact with any of his 3 children and lives in the same small town they do. So you'd think the OC would have been so starved to have a father figure that she would have been driven to meet her bio-dad and yet she knew exactly where to find him, but she made NO attempt to contact him or get her mother to do it either. It was 1 1/2 years later that the OW just happened to decide to call my husband YEARS later and after a "how are you doing these days?" conversation, just dropped the subject in there and let him know that the OC knew about him and did he want to meet her? My husband said it was more a sense of obligation to do the "right thing" that allowed him to start this up behind my back and when 2 months of long distance phone calls a couple of times a week weren't causing him to leave his real family and rush to their sides, the OW had someone else she knew to call me and let me know the WHOLE ugly truth, hoping I would pack and leave him that very night and she could move in for the kill by default. And even after everything was out in the open and my husband made it clear that he wanted to save our marriage and I had agreed to treat the OC like a child from a previous marriage, the OC still supposedly refused to meet me or her 2 half brothers, at least according to the OW. And I was totally prepared to take on the step mother role to this 15 1/2 year old stranger and tell my 16 year old son that he HAD to do the "right thing", too, against every fiber of his being. But then the longer that my husband saw what was going on and that the OW was controlling every shot, the more he realized that this sudden CONTACT issue had never been for the benefit of the OC, or even a desire of the OC, the OW had just used her own daughter as a pawn in a ploy to try and regain a foothold in the life of a man she was involved with 17 years prior. Seems the OW was getting a 2nd divorce and she was not prepared to live life without a man, so after going through months of Internet dating and driving around the countryside to meet guys she e-mailed, nothing was panning out, so she decided to go for the trump card and call my husband and see if she could work on his guilt. The OC never initiated ANY of the contact with my husband, the OW always made the phone call and then called the OC to the phone AFTER chatting with my husband 15-20 minutes long distance. The OC didn't ask a single question of my husband's interests, his life, his work, his hobbies, nothing. She never even asked to see a picture of her brothers or inquire about anything about them. So after 4 months of contact on the phone at least 4 times a week and them coming to our town about 7 different weekends for my husband to visit with THEM while I knew where he was and sat at home waiting for his fog to lift and plan A'ing my heart away.......he finally came out of that fog and realized what a scam it all was and that it wasn't ever going to be a relationship worthy of pursuing, especially when the OC was obviously a clone of her mother and was condoning her mother's actions and aiding and abetting the situation just because it was what her mother wanted, when she could not have cared if she ever met her bio-father or not. And although it hurt my husband at the time, he looks back at it now and says that it hurt his ego more than his heart because he never could find a way to bond with her and after contact was cut off so abrubtly, he said that he really didn't feel a loss for something he'd never had. And I have to admit it hurt me to some extent, too, because I was trying to do the "right thing", I knew that we could provide something to the OC in our lives, I knew that I was doing something that should have been against my grain for the love of my husband and since the OC was of him, I felt some love toward her, even though I never met her. So for those of you who have contact with a sweet innocent baby and can form a loving parent bond, good for you...... Make such a wonderful impression on that little human being so that maybe the nurturing you supply will help save the world from ending up with one more cynical user of a person like our OW/OC scenerio ended up being. And I am not saying that EVERY OC will end up being a horrible person and that those of you who have chosen NC will end up with some nutcase beating down your door when they get old enough to initiate contact, I just wanted to tell my story as a reminder that sometimes even the best of intentions don't turn out to be the "right thing".........and sometimes even if you think the OW is out of the picture (or in my case, I never knew an OW existed to begin with), years later she can decide to spring back to life and show up at your doorstep, OC in tow, so are any of us safe from NC now? Our OC will be 18 the first week in December and I just wonder with every day that comes closer will she bust free of those puppet strings her mother has her on and try to come back into my husband's life when she is of age? None of us should have to look over our shoulders and wonder what is going to happen tomorrow; we shouldn't have been faced with POJA's for contact or no contact in the first place, so there is no right or wrong way to go with this in my eyes, just what seems to be working for each individual situation and the different ways people learn to deal with a more than difficult hand that is dealt them. And I pray daily for all of us in this situation and I pray daily for the effects that it all has had on ALL of the children involved, both of the marriage and the OC's........

Deltamoon