OTSL:
I too am independant, even when I was married, but still wanted a partner who I could build a life with.I can't wait till my mess is over with and I can get on with my life and God willing with a very single man who will accept my child and the situation. That is all they were saying to you. I totally understand what was being said to you. We all make decisions that are right for us and we have to live with those decisions. As far as xmm trying to take your child away.....I think that maybe some do it to try and scare the ow out of going for cs. Even one of the bs mentioned this. There is no way in hell someone can take your child away unless your unfit......if you go for cs, yes your xmm/mm will have just as much say so in your child as you do. That's the way it should be too regardless of what you think about it....and if he stays with his w, she will be just as involved as your xmm. It no different than if you were married with the man and you divorced and he remarried. Same story. I don't feel xmm in my life will go after any type of custody but if he does the thought of the first time my daughter has to sleep over night will kill me. It did with my twins w/stbxh and he lived in my house day to day and we had a real live history together. But I do agree with you that the child has a right to know the bio father. The problem is because of our choices from day one, things don't always work out the way "it should". When I became pregnant I saw xmm's true colors and trust me, for my sake I'm glad he won't have contact. I'm surprised you don't feel the same way. He is trying to cover his a** with his "solution" to the situation. Although it's crazy cause even an adoption would mean the birth parents are on the origianal documents and they search for the birth father before they just accept that no one comes forward....I know lots of people who have adopted. It's the law now they have to. You mentioned that you are scared from what you've heard on tow. It's a battle, and it's the price we pay for getting involved with a MM. Does not make it right, but it's the way it is. I hope you can find peace in your choices and calm down as you've got a son to think about. With having c with the bio father who is married takes a lot of swallowing inner feelings and pride and being an adult and thinking of the child only. Also knowing that the father has a family that the child is involved with. A step mother and other siblings possibly.

DISCLAIMER

to all marriage builders. pplease understand that my posts are and always will be directed to the person i am responding to at that particular time.

because of the very delicate nature of this board and the very different circumstances of each INDIVIDUAL case they are only meant as replies to the person they are addressed to.

i am open to any general topic as usual and think that because of the unusual situation we all find ourselves in NO ONE should be grouping and assuming all scenerios are the same or that there are any "one size fits all" answers.

if i post a very pointed reply it is meant only for the person to whom it was addressed. i do not generalize or lump us all into one catagory.

pops

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by OnTheSidelines:
<strong> First off, I never said the man told me he was married, and that I went into the relationship KNOWING that information...thank you for jumping to assumptions and reaming me though.

=^^= I mean this in the most kind way....
To "thank" us for "jumping to assumptions" is akin to your earlier remark in the same tone and accusing someone of "reaming" you. This tactic is known as transference when you turn things around and accuse people of things they haven't done in attmept to manipulate the situation or to make people feel ashamed for their remarks or feel sorry for you to get a leg up. So, instead of taking this kind of stance, try to bear in mind that before a day or two ago, none of us ever heard of you and know nothing about you and we are trying to get to know you. No one here is trying to be deliberately disrespectful, however, we are all a little "on guard" (with good reason) with any new OW who comes here and we do question motives. Surely, you can understand that.

If you are in fact a reluctant OW who did NOT know the MM was married, then you are pretty much absolved of any adverse reactions from me because I never blame any woman who was totally deceived by a man and who would never knowingly become involved with a MM. In that case, I welcome you. But the comments here are just perspectives and not necessarily meant to chastise or alarm you. If someone posts about "finding someone new" it is not to suggest that you are some simpering needy woman; they are only trying to be kind and console you, so please take the comments in the spirit in which they were intended.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Catnip - I don't know about onthesidelines, but I have read over on TOW and it seems like the majority of the OW know the men they are with are married and they seem to be proud of it in some sick way. I know for a fact that my OW knew my H was married, she told him "You are married so you are safe - we can be friends". She made him feel like it was OK to develop a friendship, and she was the one walking around with condoms in her purse. She was also the one to give him her phone # - as "friends" so my naive husband would think it was OK. Not saying it wasn't his fault, but just as much her fault and she was very forward - Slut is the word I like to use but then again I am a woman with morals.

fortheboys, I'm not sure which section you're reading there, but if you read the children & affairs board, there are a lot of good women just trying to raise their kids in the best way possible. And 90% of them are NC with their xMM. Most are xOW, not OW. I for one am NOT proud of my actions, but I am proud of my son. Just as every mother is proud of their kids. Am I proud of the way he came to be? No. Am I proud of the fact that his father was married? No. But I've made peace with myself and I AM proud of myself for making the best of a bad situation that could have been worse. I took the high road, and will continue to do so. *I* am the one that needs to set a good example for my child and I *will* do that.

And when your child asks how they were born, will you honestly say that you were KNOWINGLY (if you were - I don't know your situation so I apologize if I am wrong) in a relationship with a MM which was wrong, that he had a prior commitment to his wife and children of his marriage - a vow he made before God that he is now trying to keep? Will you lovingly portray his wife as an innocent victim? Will you portray thr relationship as the mistake that it was? Will you say it was all his fault, or take equal blame? Will you help your child understand that sometimes NC is the only way for the MM and his family (including his other children) to even go on with thier lives, and it was not meant to intentionally hurt anyone. Will you exlain that innocent people get hurt as a relult of affairs, and your child is one of those people who are paying for YOUR actions, as are mine? Just because my H is with us and trying to save our marriage, just because he sees that time as the biggest mistake of his life and regrets every second with OW, he is not the same man. He is no longer easy going, he is stressed, broken because of his mistakes. We no longer have 100% of him. He will have to live with his mistakes too, and seeing the pain I deal with everyday. It is not easy on the other side of the fence as many of the OW on TOW seem to think. They all think the MM get off easy - they don't. The OW has taken a part of their soul - thier morals, their dignity, their pride in who they are. I do read everything over there and you all say that you are going to tell your kids that the MM chose not to have anything to do with them - there is way more to it than that and you know it. You are making yourself look good in the eyes of your child to make up for your mistakes. You knew the MM would not be available to be a father, in my H case he made is very clear when she got preg (they even talked before that it absolutely could not happen but she still did not use BC - left all the responsibility up to him). I know not all OW are the same, but I get the impression that many of you do not take enough responsibility for what you have done. YOu think just because you are raising the child on your own that IS enough responsibility. BIG DEAL. That was your choice, and because of YOUR choice I may be raising MY children alone, and I was married to my H when I had them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fortheboys:
<strong> And when your child asks how they were born, will you honestly say that you were KNOWINGLY (if you were - I don't know your situation so I apologize if I am wrong) in a relationship with a MM which was wrong, that he had a prior commitment to his wife and children of his marriage - a vow he made before God that he is now trying to keep? Will you lovingly portray his wife as an innocent victim? Will you portray thr relationship as the mistake that it was? Will you say it was all his fault, or take equal blame?

**JM: It's not all his fault. I certainly take equal blame, if not more. But in explaining the situation TO MY SON, there is such a thing as too much information. He will be given the facts age appropriately. He will also be told that what I did was wrong.

Will you help your child understand that sometimes NC is the only way for the MM and his family (including his other children) to even go on with thier lives, and it was not meant to intentionally hurt anyone. Will you exlain that innocent people get hurt as a relult of affairs, and your child is one of those people who are paying for YOUR actions, as are mine? Just because my H is with us and trying to save our marriage, just because he sees that time as the biggest mistake of his life and regrets every second with OW, he is not the same man. He is no longer easy going, he is stressed, broken because of his mistakes. We no longer have 100% of him. He will have to live with his mistakes too, and seeing the pain I deal with everyday. It is not easy on the other side of the fence as many of the OW on TOW seem to think. They all think the MM get off easy - they don't.

**JM: I don't think ANYONE thinks that the MM get off easy. But yes, he will be told the reasons for NC, and from what I understand (as there is NC and I have never been given an explanataion) it is part of his agreement in order to stay in the M, and work on his marriage. And if that's what he wants, then good for him - I hope he STAYS in his marriage and never cheats again. Personally, I think his W deserves more, but SHE has chosen also to stay in the marriage. I wish them nothing but the best.

The OW has taken a part of their soul - thier morals, their dignity, their pride in who they are.

**JM: But that part was given willingly. You can't "take" something without it being offered.

I do read everything over there and you all say that you are going to tell your kids that the MM chose not to have anything to do with them - there is way more to it than that and you know it. You are making yourself look good in the eyes of your child to make up for your mistakes.

**JM: Of course I'm going to make myself look good in my child's eyes - he's my child and should be protected as much as possible. I do not consider HIM a mistake, but I consider my actions wrong. And he will know that.

You knew the MM would not be available to be a father, in my H case he made is very clear when she got preg (they even talked before that it absolutely could not happen but she still did not use BC - left all the responsibility up to him). I know not all OW are the same, but I get the impression that many of you do not take enough responsibility for what you have done.

**JM: Then you get the wrong impression. xMM and I talked about having kids, what they would look like, the whole shebang. It was a twisted dream. I BELIEVED the lies he told me. And that in no way excuses my behavior. Or his. And for the record, I was using BC when I got pg. It failed.

YOu think just because you are raising the child on your own that IS enough responsibility. BIG DEAL. That was your choice, and because of YOUR choice I may be raising MY children alone, and I was married to my H when I had them.

**JM: But if you end up raising your children alone, isn't that your choice? You could choose to work on your M, or give up. And it wasn't just MY choice, xMM had a choice also.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Oh, and fortheboys, he's already asked HOW he was born. I've showed him the scar from the C-Section. And let me tell you, a section is MUCH easier to explain than naturally!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OTSL,
I am the one that Catnip referred to in her reply
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I don't think any of the Betrayed Spouse on this site have ever sued for custody except for one and in this case the OW is extremely unfit and practically handed the kid over on a platter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, she basically handed Lil Bit over on a platter…
Her motivation for even keeping Lil Bit in the first place was to try to control my H. She thought as long as she had his child, she would be able to keep him in her life the way she wanted, permanently, even to the point of him divorcing me and marrying her.

Didn’t happen. He had no intention of leaving me. He had no intention of marrying her.

She knew I was having fertility problems and had thought I couldn’t get pregnant. She told H that he would never have any children with me and that he should be with her because THEY were having a baby. (This was prior to Lil Bit’s birth)

She kept up her little charade until she found out I was pregnant. She then began to give up her time with Lil Bit. She really showed that she didn’t care about her.

Now, to your questions…

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When did you & husband/wife decide to sue for primary custody? Originally we filed to establish paternity and legitimate the child, prior to her birth. We then filed for Custody after DCS became involved. We re-filed this last fall.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How difficult was it to gain custody? To remove custody of a child from the birth mother is a very difficult process. It is virtually impossible, unless the mother is unfit or gives up custody willingly. </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long did the process take? The process for us took nearly 2 ½ yrs. </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did you have to "prove" in court (ie: What if OW isn't unfit?)? In our case, WE didn’t have to prove anything, really. OW’s history, she own actions and then she gave custody easily.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What lead you to try to obtain custody? Knowledge of her abusive history and her obvious disinterest of Lil Bit this summer. </font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

Forth: Josh'smom answered pretty good to you. I can say even though I have a few years to think about this I have thought about this on several occasions as this is a big deal. I don't know that I would go as far as to say xmm was a mm etc., but I would say that yes her father and I made a mistake blah blah blah. Unless of course the father was in her life then she would have to know he was married. For the record, I take just as much blame as xmm should take on this. The relationship was a huge mistake. It has to be age approiate as well. The goal is to be as honest as I can without damaging her esteem in anyway. This is not easy for any of us. Basically I think we all feel we have to look out for what's best for ourselves and who is directly involved with us. I have a very dear friend of mine who gets her kids involved into all her parents business, good or bad and tells her kids why to much. I've seen how her middle teenager has reacted over it and I've talked to her about it. Even with my twins I have told them some but have never put the xmm down as it's going to be there's sisters father and who knows if this child will ever want to contact him when she is 18. Even at 5 they would understand more than I want them to and it's been hard cause they are asking me questions. Some I just don't know how to answer and I've put them off by saying we'll talk about it when your older. Which is wrong but I don't know what to say. Speaking of showing them where they come from......I too showed the girls the other day the scar from my c-section and told them how they were born (they asked just 2 nights ago) and I totally freaked them out. One started crying and saying she never wants a baby ever. So I blew it on that......it's a hard situation to know what to do. I then freaked out thinking I've scared my child for life on having kids when she gets married. Forth that is a hard question. I don't think I'd ever put down the xmm's family in anyway as I know his decision was based before he has ever told his wife about this. As well, in the end the decision is his.

needtomoveon,
Geeze I don't think you scared your D's for life but....I remember (even though I'm as old as the Bible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) my Mom telling us we came from her tummy...I also remember thinking how did I ever get out????##***??

When we were much older she explained it for real to each of us when we were about 13. 13 may be way too old for todays generation though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Now she never said HOW the baby got there except for the Father planted the seed....hmmmmm imagine how I wondered how he did THAT!!!

Fastforward to around 9th grade and I slow danced with a boy at a school dance...well I was scared to death that he may have magically "planted that seed" when we danced and worried for months I too would have a baby! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ohh what I'd give to go back to those innocent days....sorta made myself laugh and cry today.

At any rate, you women who have oc's must be careful not to damage their spirit when explaining the reason for their being.

What about "Daddy was not ready to be a daddy just yet so Mommy took you and loved you for both of us. I kept you because you were too special to me and I've loved every day I've had with you."

Maybe until they are old enough to know the "surroundings" that will be enough.

love
Debi

What I've told Josh so far is that his dad couldn't be a good dad to him for different reasons (I haven't elaborated), and that he felt that it would be best if he stayed away. And then I tell Josh how lucky *I* am because I get to love him twice as much as other parents, because I get to be Mom AND Dad. He seems fine with my answers, and very rarely asks anything anyway. But occasionally someone will ask him, and his answer is that he has a daddy but he forgot about him. Which I've corrected when I've heard it. I will not say anything negative to him about xMM - I'm not like that. When he is old enough to understand the whole story, he will be told. And it will be up to him as to whether or not he wants to seek his father out.

Gemeni: I hope not. I was not even thinking. They've been asking how the baby will come out and thinking well this is better than were it normaly comes out at there age.....I started to tell her and I have one twin who waaaaaaaaaaaay beyound her years mentally and asked if it hurts and I told her no, they give you medicine so you don't feel it....blah blah and then all of a sudden she gave me this horrid look and said I don't want to have any babies ever, I don't want to. The other brought it up again last night and the other was still at I am NOT having no babies ever.
Josh, that sounds pretty good. I just don't want to even think of going there even though it keeps coming through my mind over and over. Maybe the guilt of the pregnancy? The way it happened? I don't know.

Obviously, I was not talking about telling your children of the birds and the bees. Of course that is an age appropriate question. But why not say that the man you were involved with was married if you knew it going into the R and that he has other resposibilities - you are only making yourself look good. I'm sure you don't want your child to know that you were involved with a married man (where were your morals), but its OK for my family and friends to know when you sue for CS?

M, out of the mouth of babes!!!!

Maybe she has an insight to all of our problems.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope not!!!

Joshmom,
You're a dear! Keep up the good work ~sweetie~!

M I have to laugh at your D being waaayyy beyond a 5 yr old.... It will be forgotten when she meets the man of her dreams....I hope!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
love
Debi

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fortheboys:
<strong> Obviously, I was not talking about telling your children of the birds and the bees. Of course that is an age appropriate question.

**JM: Actually - that separate post was a tongue in cheek response to your question of me telling him how he came to be.

But why not say that the man you were involved with was married if you knew it going into the R and that he has other resposibilities - you are only making yourself look good. I'm sure you don't want your child to know that you were involved with a married man

**JM: Right now, he's only 7 and wouldn't have a CLUE as to what I was talking about if I said that to him. I will tell him the WHOLE truth, age appropriately, and YES that includes that his father was married - and that we BOTH were wrong in our actions.

(where were your morals),
**JM: I guess they were out the window at the time along with my self esteem. I'm feeling much better now though, thanks. But I'm also more than 7 years past the affair.

but its OK for my family and friends to know when you sue for CS? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">**JM: Who you tell is your business. Personally, I'd make your H explain - he is the one (in your marriage) that should take responsibility for that. Not you.

And thanks Gem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm trying!

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: JoshMom ]</small>

Joshmom - Sorry to sound so angry - obiously I am and your situation is different. I am venting, but don't mean to be accusing directly at you and hope you don't take it that way. I'm sure its hard to be in your shoes, but it really sucks to be in mine. I do have a choice to stay in my marriage, but I had no choice in the A or OC and the consequenses in my life. That is very hard to deal with. I do have choices, but none of them are to have my old life back - and I am an innocent victim in this as well. The CS is something I haven't accepted in my situation because of the way everything came about and the decisions OW made on her own - I know it is the law but still hard for me to accept. It affects our lifestyle tremendously - me and my kids, and it hurts every month. The analogy of having to pay your rapist is how I feel - I was raped of my life. I wish the OW would just go on with her life and leave us alone, and that includes leaving us alone for CS because in my eyes it was 100% her decision to have this child and not use any BC herself. She didn't care how any of this would affect my family. I know your situation is different and your child was planned and I am sorry for you - but I still have trouble with women who know that a man is married with a family expecting him to be a father to another family. It is not possible unless everyone lives in the same house. I have been dealing with this for less than a year, so my anger is much closer to the surface and still very difficult to deal with. I did not mean to offend you in any way.

fortheboys, I do not take what you're saying as an attack. I know that you're hurting. It's obvious that you're hurting. And your lashing out is your right. This is YOUR place to vent, scream, cry, make friends, whatever you choose to make of it. I just offer up a different point of view, that's all. I came here to learn, and I have done a lot of that. You will too. {{{{}}}} And if you and your H want your marriage to work - it will. I don't think that ANY of us (BW, OW, H, xMM, etc.) could have our lives back the way they were before. I know that I wouldn't WANT my life back the way it was before. I'm a much stronger person than I was 7-8-9 years ago. I am a much BETTER person than I was, too. I want my son to grow up proud of his mother, not ashamed of her. Having a baby was a huge reality slap for me. It opened my eyes to what kind of a person xMM was. What kind of person I was (at the time). And I didn't like what I saw. So I dumped his sorry butt and took charge of my life and my son's. Yes, he pays CS. If I had it my way, if I could afford not to have it - I would in a heartbeat. But I also look at being a single mom as my price to pay, and the child support as his. And he loses also, because he misses the chance to know a great, gorgeous, smart, funny, sometimes pain in the [censored] kid. NOBODY WINS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gemini1:
<strong> M, out of the mouth of babes!!!!

Maybe she has an insight to all of our problems.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope not!!!

Joshmom,
You're a dear! Keep up the good work ~sweetie~!

M I have to laugh at your D being waaayyy beyond a 5 yr old.... It will be forgotten when she meets the man of her dreams....I hope!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
love
Debi </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is an undersatement!!!!! You have no idea what all comes out of her mouth. I hope so too. With this pregnancy ALOT has come up about "well how did it get in there" and I have avoided it with everything in me. I'm just not ready to go there. In fact I'm scared to death of it. Not just because of the circumstances, but the one twin is like I said way beyound her years. She picks up on things very quickly.
Joshsmom, I agree with you so much that if I did not need his help I would not go for it.
Forth: I can really see your pain, and I am sorry you were hurt so bad. I know it makes no difference how much I was hurt or lied to, and honestly if what happened to me did not happen to me and I had not gone through what I've gone through the past 6 months I probaly could not see where you were coming from. I have learned so much on these sites and it's been very helpful coming here and hearing two sides. I'll admit some I don't agree with, but for the most part it has helped me big time. I have not had a d-day yet I say yet as it's coming with in a couple of months and if it wern't for coming here and listening and learning I may handled all wrong and had bigger regrets. I regret with everything in me what happened. I regret this happened. Maybe xmm will have to pay cs for the next 18 years but I am the one who will be raising her and having to deal with the "questions" and all by myself. But that is the choice I'm making by keeping her. Do I regret doing that? No. It's my choice. Like Josh's mom said if I did not need him I would not have ask him to pay cs. It would be easier all the way around. But it's not that easy for me. I know you don't agree with what I'm saying, but maybe you can understand it some way. As much as I may not like xmm's wife I do know NOW that she had no say so in any decisions xmm and myself made in having the affair. She had no choice in as it was a secret. I also know she did not ask for anything that is going to be coming her way in the near future and I do feel extremely bad about this. I do feel regardless of my decision to keep her xmm has a reasponsiblity too. I did not have a fling with him but a relationship with him for over a year. He knew my background and knew everything about me. He knew I was not on bc. As hey I have not been pregnant on my own since I was 21 years old and had 8 miscarrages and told that I had to many female problems to get pregnant and carry it to full term, and my history showed that too. well history took a turn on me and I am now paying the price for that. I take it on and I just hope that I don't hurt his wife as much as I have seen so many bs hurt here. I've already put off having my attorney contact him before the holidays as I did not want his kids finding out this way. It's not my job. Although if he has not made arrangements by the time she is born it will happen and I feel horible about that. His kids are preteens and this will devaste them.....yes I know I should of thought about this before we got together. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way and I sure have. But by the time she is born is will be more about her as I've given him 9 months to come clean or make arrangements to take a DNA test and get a po box to handle his end. I feel in my heart that is enough time. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Just to let you know....xmm begged me in August to do a DNA test through amino. I made two appointments one in Nov., and one in Dec., at his request. He did a no show to both. I had everything arranged. He could of gone to my attorney's office to do his swab...he did not even have to see me. Last monday he called and left a message on my voice mail telling me he would contact me after the 19th, of this month....that's his W b-day. He is not going to as he knows I'm loosing patients and is just buying himself more time. I'm not stupid. He knows it's past having an amino done as it's a medical procedure and has a window time in order to be covered by insurance. So forth, the ow is not always the bad guy all the time 100%. Some of these men are so scared of loosing there wives that they do even more stupid things and make it worse. I'm sorry I rambled but I just wanted to share and maybe you can see the other side of this too. I do really feel bad for you and wish your pain was not so bad.

M - Thank you for trying to understand my pain. I have a hard time with you saying that you will knowingly devastate not only his wife, who is 100% innocent (and devastate is not a strong enough word - it has been a year for me and most days I don't even want to go on living my life anymore. My whole life is gone by no choice of mine, everything I ever believed in. My past is a sham, and my future is only pain and heartache with or without my H) BUT you can say that you will knowingly devastate his children. How could you do that, for money? Their lives will never be the same, and they will grow up with these scars forever. They are already paying for what you and he did, I know mine are. I spend a lot of time crying, my H and I fight a lot now over all this which upsets the kids terribly, my children see me so unhappy and know something is wrong. They have seen me leave the house with my bags, slam the door and say I am never coming back. They have no security anymore. Why make it worse? For money? Because of your choice to have and raise this child on your own? I don't believe that most OW can't raise these kids without CS. When you have to, most people will find a way. If the tables were turned and your child was a preteen, would you want some woman to come in and destroy your child's life? Why is it OK to destroy my family? My life is already destroyed, don't the children deserve a chance to have a childhood? Must they be forced to deal with the mistakes of the adults, with YOUR choices, because you think you can't afford to raise this child on your own? You are right, I am in a lot of pain and I don't agree with how most OW deal with this situation. You give no thought to the innocent people whose lives you destroy. You want so much for your child - I also want my child to have whatever is left of their childhood. They have lost so much of their parents already through this. Why can't you go on with your own life and let the man go on with his. Realize that you made your own choices - you did have choices - and move on.