I was curious...I hear so much about these awful OW I wonder how many of these OW are/were single. How many people deal with MOW? I feel as a MOW I have bent over backwards so much for XMM and his family. It seems like full house tried to be fair to her XMM also. So I have wondered about this for awhile.

Maybe the difference is, being married we are not intrested in leaving our spouse for the other person. Most of us infact given the choice would not leave. We are working on making our marriage better, not working on keeping the other person. We also may not seem as much of a threat to a bs, because they can see we are working on our marriage.

I dont know , but i do know i work my but off to be fair and try and make every one happy, sometimes a difficult task.

I dont think it will ever be perfect, but i am ok with it most of the time.

Something om and I have learned is to comunicate about the baby and respect each others wishes when it involves our child. We have a few issues that have not been ironed out, but I am guessing they will be by the end of this year.

I Know I often drive 80 miles round trip to take my daughter, because he is just getting back from a business trip and such. but he would do the same if I asked. I always make sure she has proper clothes, and extras for any occasion they might have. I send extra toys and videos, and they now do the same, I share all pictures they make me a cd of pics when they have her.

We share every thing she is doing or learning, sleep habits, books, bedtime, rules for the most part are about the same. We let each other know if she is ill, and what meds she might have. We also try and back each other up if we have said no, so the other one doesnt come and say yes and undermine one parent or the other.

We [by we I mean om or his wife] tell each other what we have bought her, so the other parent doesnt waste money doing the same. but it took alot of work to get to this point, and the work wont stop here, we have a long way to go. it isnt unusual for one of us to call, just to tell the other about a darling outfit we found.
the difference, I am absorbed in my husband and kids, I have no intrest in being married to om. I dont want him. maybe she handles it because she sees that , or maybe she handles it because he insisted. I dont know.


the down side, sometimes it is hard to smile and be nice, and other days his wife has reminders and it triggers a episode, I usually ignore them and move on and the next time i see her, she is over it.

4: You say you bent over backward for XMM and his family, just how might I ask? ****edited**Justuss****


Mo5: You say you have a hard time being nice, why? The BS is the victim of actions of which you are 50% responsible for. Why would you be the one having a hard time being nice? By allowing that child into her life SHE is the nice and kind one. Then you also state that a BW considers an OW a threat? Suddenly we are thereatened by OW and that is why we are angry? Why would you say that YOU would not be interested in leaving your marriage, but then turn around and assume that a BS is somehow threatened by your presence? As if your marriage is somehow different, strong and that no way would you ever leave your husband. Can't you see that the MM is also thinking the same thing? That he is caught and he chooses his marriage? Yet you make it seem that you would never leave your husband but that of course your MM would leave his wife???????

As for married or single? Makes no difference. OW are OW. Plain and simple. Just as I'm sure your husband really doesn't think that it would make a difference.

OW have proven,over and over, married or single to be bunny boilers. They care little for anyone else but themselves and their children. They are angry when a family unites and decides to turn their backs on her, as if she is somehow to be respected or valued as the mother of the oc. Not realizing that the nuclear family, in some cases wants nothing to do with either. They use the oc as a pawn for their anger at being left in the dust. Or they have the selfish nerve to somehow be angry at the wife when the H stays in the marriage.

You can believe everything he told you, and you consider it all true. But when he goes home and tells his wife about you, suddenly it is all lies? Did you ever stop and think that the story he was telling you was a lie?

So no, it makes no difference if the ow/om is single or married. The end result is the same. Why would it even matter. What matters is how an op acts. How many wives on here have OW who are calling and whining about no contact? How many people on here have tried contact only to have OW jerk them around, married or not.

So no, it makes no difference what the marital status of an OW is. Once the affair is over, if OW keeps putting her nose into the marriage, and certainly her oc does just that, she is not liked and is seen as a bit psycho. Especially when she is told to leave them alone, or is overly rude to the wife.

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

cute comments but hardly needed, Do you feel better now?

gotta run, but would be more than happy to answer your questions in a min. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

: You say you bent over backward for XMM and his family, just how might I ask? *****edited**Justuss**..... tasteless and hardly productive **


Mo5: You say you have a hard time being nice, why? i said sometimes, and sometimes something is said or done by her, that requires my attention and i have to maintain a polite relationship, there fore I do

The BS is the victim of actions of which you are 50% responsible for.

no kidding? I knew that Why would you be the one having a hard time being nice?
again you dont know the situation hard for you to guess. i am pretty darn nice all the time to her. I said sometims...


By allowing that child into her life SHE is the nice and kind one.

you think? lets see, i didnt ask them to be a part of her life, i was retty darn content and would be pretty darn content if they left tomorrow. I didnt take them to court, I dont make them pay any thing they cant or dont want to pay, my husband and myself absorb 99% of the cost. but since her husband decided he wanted contact and ask me to help him do that, we did, and have left things as are. i am glad she is learning to love my child, however she tends to be mean and nasty ever so often and that is om's words not mine, i tell him and he takes care of it, end of story.,

Then you also state that a BW considers an OW a threat?


I was a bw and yes i considered ow a threat, hell if they are not a threat to your marriage what is?


Suddenly we are thereatened by OW and that is why we are angry?

Didnt say that is why your angry, We were discussing why there are so many horror stories when the ow is single, Perhaps I should have said having a husband gives you the needes support, and the drama just isnt there. who knows?


Why would you say that YOU would not be interested in leaving your marriage, but then turn around and assume that a BS is somehow threatened by your presence? As if your marriage is somehow different, strong and that no way would you ever leave your husband. Can't you see that the MM is also thinking the same thing? That he is caught and he chooses his marriage? Yet you make it seem that you would never leave your husband but that of course your MM would leave his wife???????


yOur picking and assume a lot about something you no none of, i am speaking of my situation only and I know alot about my life, seeing as how I am living it.

As for married or single? Makes no difference. OW are OW. Plain and simple. Just as I'm sure your husband really doesn't think that it would make a difference.

there you go assumeing again, yOu met my husband and now you know what he thinks as well?

OW have proven,over and over, married or single to be bunny boilers.
Well i bet if we made a few list, we could put a few wives on there as well, haha this is pointless. Of course there are crazy ow, just as there are crazy om, and wives and husbands. People are people, but not every one is crazy my dear.


They care little for anyone else but themselves and their children.

Again your lumping every person in the same catagory, i work hard to make sure every ones feelings are looked at for every situation we have.


They are angry when a family unites and decides to turn their backs on her, as if she is somehow to be respected or valued as the mother of the oc.

i am respected and valued as the mother of my child. Om and I work hard to respect each others decisions and and he insures that everyone in his family does the same, I do the same with my family. Just makes for a nicer life for all the children, like the children of the marriage and the oc.


Not realizing that the nuclear family, in some cases wants nothing to do with either. I am perfectly content to not have them in my family life and so was my husband, but he is the bio father and has that right, there fore we recognise it. i certainly didnt want to bring all this in to my family but i will not ignore his rights either. he isnt my enemy.


They use the oc as a pawn for their anger at being left in the dust. Or they have the selfish nerve to somehow be angry at the wife when the H stays in the marriage.

again your assuming that is the case for all, i feel nothing about any of it, they are merely people I have to deal with to ensure my child is safe and happy.

You can believe everything he told you, and you consider it all true. But when he goes home and tells his wife about you, suddenly it is all lies? Did you ever stop and think that the story he was telling you was a lie?

I OFTEN WONDER why women dont see that? I wont argue with you, it is a true statement, every woman should see. of course he is a liar, i never said he wasnt, he knows that, haha

So no, it makes no difference if the ow/om is single or married. The end result is the same. Why would it even matter. What matters is how an op acts. How many wives on here have OW who are calling and whining about no contact?

alot it seems, Again, i dont know wat kind of people these are, one would wonder where they drug them up? How many people on here have tried contact only to have OW jerk them around, married or not. Again, some but not all.

How many people could honestly say they tried to be kind and respectful and do what was best for the children at all times, seems every one lacked at sometime or another. We are all human.

So no, it makes no difference what the marital status of an OW is. Once the affair is over, if OW keeps putting her nose into the marriage, and certainly her oc does just that, she is not liked and is seen as a bit psycho. Especially when she is told to leave them alone, or is overly rude to the wife.

maybe the case, however not in ours, we are all pretty open and friendly with each other. We call and share things, we have lunch, we Dont sit around and think of mean things to do to each other. We all get excited when our d learns something new. What is the point of fighting when you can make this a positive thing, and make your marriage better and stronger in the process.

I dont think they consider my daughter a problem in their marriage, they look forward to spending time with her, and think of her often.

I believe they consider her a blessing, that comes from his wife not om.


hhHmmmmmmmm what to make for dinner, you know maybe boiled bunny isnt bad??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Lynn g., you are so funny. You just have the nerve to say what many of us think and that upsets people. WE all try to be so PC but hey....why mince words right?

m0f5 I appreciate that you and mm work so hard to make things work for OC. That's great. You must be "one in a million".

I have been told to just wait until OW gets a "man" and things will be easier.....not expecting that to happen. OW says she does not "believe" in marriage(I guess just destroying them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ),which she has proven by having 2 children by 2 different men(OC is the oldest). Our OC is currently the only one with an involved dad.

I really wish she had someone else so maybe she would have something else and somewhere else to focus her energy. But then she would have to give up her "poor me--I'm all by myself--doing everything alone--martyr" status.

I know how easy it is to focus on one irritating trait or incident and exaggerate it just to make her look bad so I really try to see her as a real person, a struggling single mom who has made some "mistakes", if you will, and you know what? I still come to the same conclusion, she's an IDIOT who takes no responsibility for any of HER actions.

I wish she'd really find someone to "rescue" her and then she can blame someone else for her problems.

no one can rescue her... just her self, same for all of us, we have to make the changes ourselves.

I cant make any one do what I want, but I can set an example for them to follow and if someone is polite and nice long enough you cant help but try and work on doing the same. my love for my child is far greater than any thing I feel for her or him. there fore it makes it unimportant.


So if you know you have been just and fair and she is still an idiot, then so be it, let someone else handle it. I am merely explaining how we choose to do this thats all. It doesnt work for every one, but om and I have a long long hystory and frankly our concern for our child, out weighs some of the crap that could happen. but it isnt perfect, we have issues that havent been resolved, but none have to do with the relationship we had or have[parenting relationship].

I just think it is easier for her to not spend so much time worrying about me, because she sees my husband and i working so hard to be whole again. i also think it is easier to deal with me, because she and i have already talked, i have apologised years ago and we put the past behind us.
That doeant mean she likes me, haha, she cant stand me, and I dont like her much either, but that isnt important We agreed to have all of us in our childs life there fore the rest has to be put aside. and yes sometimes it is hard for all of us. I would guess it is harder for my husband and his wife than it is for myself and om. but they both work hard on this as well. I AM grateful to both for accepting our way of doing things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:
<strong>
OW have proven,over and over, married or single to be bunny boilers. They care little for anyone else but themselves and their children. They are angry when a family unites and decides to turn their backs on her, as if she is somehow to be respected or valued as the mother of the oc. Not realizing that the nuclear family, in some cases wants nothing to do with either. They use the oc as a pawn for their anger at being left in the dust. Or they have the selfish nerve to somehow be angry at the wife when the H stays in the marriage.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lynn. Where do you get these facts? I'd be curious to know. #1 - I'm an EX-OW. I have never boiled a bunny, nor felt the need to.
#2 - Of course I care very much for my son, and myself - because if I don't, who will? I also have dear friends that I care for greatly, am I, as and xOW not *allowed* to have friends??
#3 - I have NEVER, nor would I EVER, use my son as a pawn. That's just wrong.
#4 - I'm happy xMM is still in his marriage. I wish them the best.
#5 - You disturb me greatly. You give people legal advice and you are not an attorney. You generalize all OW in the same category - a category system that YOU made up. Believe it or not, I agree with SOME of what you say - that people need to protect themselves. That goes for everyone - BW, OW, etc. But some of what you have contributed is just wrong.

It just shows you how some people never get over the pain,no matter how many years have past, im sorry there is still so much anger in your life. it must be hard living with such a heavy heart. i hope peace will enter it soon and relieve you of all the anger you tend to lash out at people.
full house

lynnG-I read your posts and I don't feel threatened when you tell people how to protect thereselves and their family. I am sorry you are so shallow and think ALL OW are lumped into one category. Hey I listen to some BS and I think their actions are pretty shallow. I don't have the time to explain how I got into the relationship with XMM. Or everything I have done because I am trying to ease this situation for him and his family. XMM offered to pay child support about 1/3 of what I would get if I went to court...he doesn't have to pay 1/2 of any child care, he doesn't have the kids on his medical, or does he pay for any of their medical costs. When he offered support, he took a whole year to even start paying it regularly. So he has only been paying that for the last 6 months. NEVER once did I call him and get on his case. Never have I called his house...but he calls here and so has his wife. I am always very nice to both of them and show respect to them. I have gotten angry at them because he made promises in our oral agreement and then starts to flake out saying he doesn't think he can do this or that. The wife calls saying she wants to see the kids, but not XMM...so I accomodate to where she can visit with them. Then she backs out. I am very patient with them. But at times I wish we would have just went through the courts.

One place you are wrong is I have NEVER wanted to be with XMM. When his wife called I answered her questions but not to the full extent of what the affair was. I didn't offer more information on how her H persued me and the lies he told me. So LynnG you don't see everything for what/who they are. His wife did tell me what he told her about me. I didn't ask for that info. It was all good anyways. It probably does make it easier when the H makes the OW out to be some crazy person. In some cases it could be true. But I think everyones true colors come out when you start dealing with the OC. As I have said before these situations are so complicated there can't be one answer that will fit everyone. Not every OW is the same, what a BS can handle is not what another can, some WS make good parents to all of their kids and some can't and it goes on and on.

Well, I am sorry but I have been interrupted. Lost my thoughts and I need to go anyway. I do think there is a difference between a lot of MOW and single OW. But I think there are plenty of exceptions to that.

Originally posted by 4tori&natesake:

One place you are wrong is I have NEVER wanted to be with XMM.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Are you saying you had sex with a man you did not want to be with?

What do you mean by what you wrote. If you don't mind.

I am confused. (But, I am old .... so it's OK)

Pep

Ah, the OW and their supporters out whining again I see.

Hey, you say you did not ASK FOR THEM TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. Well then why are you pregnant with another mans child? Not only did you ask for it, you all but insured it would happen.

As for you saying how hard you work to maker sure everyones feelings are looked at, more OW lies. Cause in your next passive agressive, full of typical OW logic, you state how you are respected as the mother of the oc, and that if his wife "gets mean and nasty, you tell him and end of story". As if you and only you have feelings that matter here. Grow up darlin, you can bet your XMM has you painted as a lunatic and that his childs only hope for a decent life is for his wife to be part of it. Do you really think BW are so pathetic and weak that we would spend one second with a man who would look us in the eyes and say "BW, you can't be mean to OW, it makes her feel bad". There isn't a man alive who would be standing had he said any words like that. You are assuming that your XMM is holding you in some high regard and is blasting his wife for being mean to you?

Once again, seeing it the way you want it to be.


Oh and pops, I feel sorry for you. Yes I get angry at the stuff these women spew forth on this board.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LynnG:
<strong> Ah, the OW and their supporters out whining again I see.

**JM: xOW, if you don't mind. And I didn't sense one whine in my post at all.

Hey, you say you did not ASK FOR THEM TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. Well then why are you pregnant with another mans child? Not only did you ask for it, you all but insured it would happen.

**JM: Not sure WHO or WHAT you're talking about here...

As for you saying how hard you work to maker sure everyones feelings are looked at, more OW lies. Cause in your next passive agressive, full of typical OW logic, you state how you are respected as the mother of the oc, and that if his wife "gets mean and nasty, you tell him and end of story". As if you and only you have feelings that matter here. Grow up darlin, you can bet your XMM has you painted as a lunatic and that his childs only hope for a decent life is for his wife to be part of it. Do you really think BW are so pathetic and weak that we would spend one second with a man who would look us in the eyes and say "BW, you can't be mean to OW, it makes her feel bad". There isn't a man alive who would be standing had he said any words like that. You are assuming that your XMM is holding you in some high regard and is blasting his wife for being mean to you?

**JM: I'm going to assume that you're talking to momof5 here, and not me, but for the record - I don't care what xMM thinks of me, or his wife. I'm not in their lives, they're not in mine.

Once again, seeing it the way you want it to be.

**JM: HUH?

Oh and pops, I feel sorry for you. Yes I get angry at the stuff these women spew forth on this board.

**JM: Actually I think that pops made quite a bit of sense in what he said. And the only one I see spewing anything on this board is you, Lynn. You don't like it when someone disagrees with you, do you? I would say that eventually it gets better, but you seem to be so far gone, that I doubt that will ever happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I notice a pattern. All the responses that disagree with LynnG, are spouses that are working on their marriage, that have contact. I did not notice any comments from anyone with no contact.

mom of five, You are always very smug, and self-rightious of your situation, and what works for you. You may put your children, all of them, first, before your marriage, but I put my marriage first, before all children. Children grow up and have their own life. I am living mine now. My marriage comes first. As far as I am concerned, your exOM has a wife for a saint. You are blessed.

LynnG, I like you. The real difference between us, is our(yours and mine), OW. I spent a week-end with my OW in 1996. No contact since. I have a certain amount of respect for my H's exOW. If I had never met her, I do not think I would still be married today.

It seems like the C/NC war again.

ember

Oh, I'm crushed, as your opionion matters so very much to me. Get a grip on yourself. You are an OW, and in the context of this board, and such, your views, in my opinon are worthless.

I do not dispense legal advise, I advise people to get some. But that bugs people like you.

As for disagreeing with people, well no kidding. I see you and others of your ilk on here, spouting off about contact being so important, etc. I come on here and say, no, not only is it ok to not have contact, it is probably for the better and the ow and their supporters get all a twitter. As if it is a totally foreign concept for the BW to have any say whatsoever. How dare Lynn G tell people to get laywers and think this thing out!!!! What a riot.


The bottom line of this message is it makes no difference if the OW is married or not.

for YOUR record, I agree that people should get legal advice - ALL people. And for the rest of the record - I'm an EX OW, not an OW. My son is 7, and there is NC. And I was a single OW. Not married. And I'm still not whining, just calling it as I see it. Which seems to bother YOU. I've never come here and been disrespectful, and actually have made friends with some of the BW here (GASP! can it really be true?!). As for me being all in a twitter? That would be giving you far too much credit. You're not worth a twitter, or even a twinge as far as I'm concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The above post is for Josh Mom.

Ember,thank you. I notice that too. Actually, there are OW too who love to disagree with me.

Good grief, didn't mom of 5 even state that my comment about bending over backwards was tasteless???? That is a riot considering she was an OW.

I love to rile those types up. It just kills them to see that there are other points of view and that people think things.

I just don't want some BW to be swayed by any of these OW who want to push their own agenda.

Bye

I agree, it makes no difference if OW is M or not.

ember

I said I didnt ask them to be in our life after the child was born, BUT om changed his mind and wanted to be part of her life. it s ok,

your wrong , I know how om paints me to his wife, it is very obvious and she has told me. Why does that bother you so much? I am respected as my childs mother , I cant think of a reason i shouldnt be, She is a lovely child who is well provided for and loved tremendously. I am a good mother, he knows that and agrees. his wife isnt crazy about me but she too knows i am a good mother.


To understand my remark about mean and nasty you would have to know his wife, She has an unusual personality and has been this way and towards every one not just me. She cant hold a job because she is sometimes a little odd. but please know just because i may gripe about her here, does not mean i dont treat her with respect when i se eher, because i do.


I am not whining on the contrary,I like my life and we[my husband and myself] are better than we have been in many many years.

How do you know what om would say or not say, You dont have a clue what he is like. And yes he demands that I receive respect in his home as our childs mother. maybe the difference here is his age. but I show his wife the same respect, works both ways and he wouldnt think twice about telling me or her, exactly what he expects.

tell me something ember, lynn,

what is so aweful if one case or two or three do work out and the ow such as my self dont end up miserable .And We get along. Why does that make you upset?

By the way that was fullhouse not pops.

Most of the XOW here don't have contact. Some that do either make it work or it does not. Lynn, just becasue someone had an affair does not make them the most horrible person on this earth. Geez your h cheated on you and you were able to forgive him and stay with him so that shows you not all people that cheat are horrible people. Not every women is some physco bimbo either. Who the he** would want to raise a child on there own so get pregnant on purpose? It's ok if it was an accident in the "marriage". If your havning sex it could be an accident no matter what...in the marriage a one night stand a long or short term relationship. Whatever. It happens. Lynn if it were not for you I would not of JUMPED on the wagon to hire an attorney and I thank you for that. I also think that "EVERYONE" should have one, it's no different than if you were divorced and going for child support. Just because we are going for cs does not mean we want your h any longer. Lynn sometimes I can see a hint of compasion in you but that is few and far between. You do catagory all OW in the same place, but you shouldn't. You shouldn't. HOw closed mind is that? I too have grown to respect a lot of bs here and have helped me to understand things more. For that I thank you all and you know who you are. I also feel that the mw who has had an affair and gone on to make there marriage work with the oc and the h accepting things and working with them so a lot of strenght coming on here and sharing. They too are trying to rebuild there lives and keep there family in tact and do what's right for all there kids. I just don't understand where you can forgive your h who was involved but you look at all these "xow" as horrible vendictive people who are just out get the xmm back.