Hmm...interesting thread.

Well, I only have my own experience to reflect on. I sit back knowing that in certain circles MY reputation has been trashed etc...All the while I have kept my mouth shut about the truth.

BW has her H, and her M, simply because I chose not to put her H in a jail cell, where he belongs. In actuality, she has me to THANK for her M. I did NOTHING to destroy it. But then, my situation is far from typical. As I said before, I catagorize myself as an "ex-OW" only because a)that is the perception I have allowed the outside world to have, for the emotional protection of my baby, and b)I do deal with all aspects of having had a MM's child while he was married, so I do find support among other mom's in the same circumstances.

I don't think single or married it makes much difference, it's all about the person. I think there are crazy OW's, crazy BW's, wonderful BW's, and yes, wonderful OW's, who DO NOT seek to do harm to a marriage after D-day. As a matter of fact, it has been my experience reading elsewhere, that MOST of the OW's with kids I know DON'T want their ex-MM, and many don't want contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sofaraway:


All the while I have kept my mouth shut about the truth.

BW has her H, and her M, simply because I chose not to put her H in a jail cell, where he belongs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Were you raped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sofaraway:
<strong> As a matter of fact, it has been my experience reading elsewhere, that MOST of the OW's with kids I know DON'T want their ex-MM, and many don't want contact. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's an interesting point. It seems many OW still insist on CS though. C is optional but CS is mandatory. I don't want to debate that issue. I just find it an interesting reflection of what is really VALUED, either as women, parents or society, I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

JFTR: I don't want to debate the CS/C issue again, I just wanted to make a single point I noticed.

It breaks my heart that anyone on here finds joy in tearing into someone to try to hurt their feelings. I found this board first. I thought this board was for ANYONE working on their marriage with an OC involved, be it WS, BS. When people act like adults and respect each other this can be a great resource for both sides. I found this board to be a support to me. Then when I felt like I would step on toes if I wanted to vent about XMM and his flip flopping on what he wanted I felt I needed to vent away from this board. I also felt I needed more information on what the mothers perspective with an OC handled things. I have learned so much from both boards.

In my opinion I think there are some differences in a lot of MOW. When I say this I am thinking to the facts of how a MOW might deal with the situation once the baby is here (or through pregnancy) compared to someone who is single and dealing with it. I think MOW are not going to be as apt to doing some of the things we hear "crazy" OW as doing. Wanting the XMM to take part in the birth, calling XMM, calling/ writing XMM family etc. My thoughts were that a MOW is more apt to leaving XMM alone and letting him do what he needs to to rebuild his marriage. That is the perspective I was trying to get at. Not that there was much difference while the A was going on. Just wanted to hear others opinion. Didn't think it would start such a rant. That wasn't my intentions.

Pepperband,

Yes, I was. By a man I had been friends with, and had known for many years.

That's an interesting point. It seems many OW still insist on CS though. C is optional but CS is mandatory. I don't want to debate that issue Ktbunch:I don't want to start this into something big...but I wonder why you feel these children shouldn't get support. Should pops and FH bear this financial obligation alone? I don't think so. I think it takes two, and BOTH of the parents should be held accountable. My husband had a vasectomy because he didn't want anymore children. Here comes twins...we take most of the financial responsibility. XMM probably pays 1/3 of what he would have to pay per state guidelines. We take all other responsibility medical, any childcare, etc. Okay I don't want this to open a new can of worms, and I don't want to step on pops or FH toes. I just think they are a great example...because I don't think any of us here thinks pops should carry the full financial load even though he probably loves his daughter as if she was his.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sofaraway:
Pepperband,

Yes, I was. By a man I had been friends with, and had known for many years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> that MOST of the OW's with kids I know DON'T want their ex-MM, and many don't want contact.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's an interesting point. It seems many OW still insist on CS though. C is optional but CS is mandatory. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Xmm took me to court for right to our daughter. Due to being married when she was conceived & born he lost. If I wanted $$, at the time I could have received $900 a month just for her. And trust me I could have used it. But I chose not to.

Fast forward to present day, She turned 5 today. Xmm has no leagal rights to her or her brother. I let him have visitation with both kids, let him take both kids out and do things with him. He just started giving me some money last month. His choice. The only downfall is he is still hiding alot of things from his W. She has no idea that he gives the $$.

The only downfall is he is still hiding alot of things from his W. She has no idea that he gives the $$. Crazymum, I have this problem too. I don't say anything because I presume the W would like me to stay out of it. But sometimes I read on here how the BS would like to know the truth...but do they want to hear from the OW that we know their H have filled them with a lot of S*** to save their marriage? Maybe this should be a whole different thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but do they want to hear from the OW that we know their H have filled them with a lot of S*** to save their marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm..4T&NS, I rather think that sentiment is not suited for a thread on this board...but could be discussed elsewhere if you wanted. I say that not to insult you in ANY WAY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but to respect the purpose of the board we are on....
(I know from reading your posts that you have been extremely respectful here, but some things just may not be appropriate)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sofaraway:
<strong> wonderful BW's, and yes, wonderful OW's, who DO NOT seek to do harm to a marriage after D-day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">=^^= I just wish the OW's did not seek to harm the marriage BEFORE D-Day as well. It would have saved so many broken hearts...so many broken lives. And we would all be on another site...like gardening...or taking college courses...or anything but this.

Cat =^^=

When it comes to what he does or doesn't tell his W is up to him. None of my business. FOr me I'm honest with my H about whats is going on and that's all that matters to me.

mof,I am not upset about your unique situation. What on earth gave you that idea? Have you ever thought of inviting your exMM's wife to comment here? I still think she is a saint. Also, I wonder if your exMM and his W divorce, would she still see your child? Would your H continue to tolerate your communication with with exMM, now divorced? I know this is a hypothetical question, but would appreciate your response. By the way, mof, I am happy for you and yours, and hope God blesses all of you. Also, you are always telling us how you always treat your exMM wife with respect, to her face. Then behind her back, you also tell us, the board, how awful she really is, and how you have sacrificed. Isn't this rather hypothetical?

cat, you are very snippy many times. You try to put words or thoughts in people's minds. An example of this is on some other posts' you said to me, "Ember, not all men are pigs." To clarify, I never said they were. My point of cautiousness being belittled. Sometimes, I really enjoy your words of wisdom, and sometimes I wonder where the wisdom is.

Craz, am I to understand that you want to be involved with deception again? With MM's wife not knowing?

Some of you throw daggers.

Lynn, and Pep, I apreciated your posts, and insight.

ember

why would I invite a woman to read all I have written and visit my thoughts, and what good would it do for her ? We strive to get along, I dont think she would be too keen on the fact that I share what her husband did or does on here! She has her own place she goes to, I think I will leave it at that.

This is where I come to vent at times and share and have no desire to share with her.

No if om were to divorce her, he would forbid her to see our child. How do I know this? because I know his temper and I know how he thinks, I have seen them disown people in their own family [it aint pretty] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I would be ok with it and would still let my child see her, however i know he would be very angry if I did.


His thought process is a little differnt than the average guy, he is very stubborn and demanding.

by the way I ASSUME YOU MEANT HYPOCRYTICAL..

No i am not, she knows i dont like her. I know she doesnt like me. We both understand that, but we do treat each other with respect, because we want the children and ur families to do so also, after all, My daughter loves these people doesnt mean i have to like it, doesnt mean, i cant scream AAAUUURRRGGGGG just means, i will continue to be polite and respectful, so my child feels comfortable, and she doesnt have to deal with adult crap, because it isnt her problem.

I dont really see that as a big deal.

Trust me she is not under the illusion that I like her. We have even made jokes about it, to each other.

And our husbands work together, and yes they would continue to work no matter what. Its bussiness.

Gotta run
bye

sofaraway I won't take that as an insult. I wasn't trying to make this into a disrespectful topic. But I truly did want to know what the BS wants/expects. I am not sure an OW should answer it since we are not in there shoes.So I have been struggling with that question because the W has directly said some comments to me...about what her H told her was the extent of our relationship. Plus other lies. I kind of have been taking crazymum approach that it is between them. He needs to tell her the truth, and if not she will catch him in lies down the road. I know I have played enough of a part in the destruction-so I keep my mouth shut. When either of them call me I try to keep it about the situation with the kids. So I am sorry to any BS that might not think it was appropriate to ask it here.

Originally posted by sofaraway:

I catagorize myself as an "ex-OW" only because a)that is the perception I have allowed the outside world to have, for the emotional protection of my baby, and b)I do deal with all aspects of having had a MM's child while he was married, so I do find support among other mom's in the same circumstances.


So, in actual fact, you are a rape victim, not an XOW.

How much post-traumatic counseling have you received?

Pep

a)that is the perception I have allowed the outside world to have, for the emotional protection of my baby,
It's better your child thinks YOU had an affair with a married man, rather than you were assaulted?

b)I do deal with all aspects of having had a MM's child while he was married, so I do find support among other mom's in the same circumstances.
I got news for ya'. Your circumstances are NOT THE SAME nor do they have any idea of your real circumstances!!!
How are you gonna get "support" from them?

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Maybe we should remember that this is a site for people looking to rebuild their marriages, a place for the BS or WS to come and vent their feelings and get advice from those who have had some experience with this horrible situation. There is a board called TOW for OW to express their feelings, and that is where they should go. This way, we can go there if we choose to torment ourselves. If not, I think the OW that post here should remember first and foremost that the BS deserves your respect on this board, just as we should respect you on your board. This thread is very depressing and does not give any useful info or advice to anyone. Does it really need to continue? Does it matter if OW was married or not? What she did was still wrong. Affairs are wrong, they are a lapse in morals and they hurt everyone involved and many who are not involved. There are some people who take responsibility for their actions and change and go on to become better people, and some who don't. My OW is one who takes very little responsibility for her actions and how it affects others, so obviously I am angry. But I am sure there are some people out there who do. Can I see things through their eyes? Of course not - I could never imagine having an affair but I'm sure there are some OW who said the same thing at one time. Isn't it time to let this die, and get back to HELPING each other?

Maybe we should remember that this is a site for people looking to rebuild their marriages, a place for the BS or WS to come and vent their feelings and get advice from those who have had some experience with this horrible situation. There is a board called TOW for OW to express their feelings, and that is where they should go. This way, we can go there if we choose to torment ourselves. If not, I think the OW that post here should remember first and foremost that the BS deserves your respect on this board, just as we should respect you on your board. This thread is very depressing and does not give any useful info or advice to anyone. Does it really need to continue? Does it matter if OW was married or not? What she did was still wrong. Affairs are wrong, they are a lapse in morals and they hurt everyone involved and many who are not involved. There are some people who take responsibility for their actions and change and go on to become better people, and some who don't. My OW is one who takes very little responsibility for her actions and how it affects others, so obviously I am angry. But I am sure there are some people out there who do. Can I see things through their eyes? Of course not - I could never imagine having an affair but I'm sure there are some OW who said the same thing at one time. Isn't it time to let this die, and get back to HELPING each other?