Ktbunch--

Just wanted to let you know that I went out Friday night--had a good time with girlfriends and H had a very difficult time with it--very upset. Called me several times and kept saying I love you--I don't want you to go out--you are not wearing a ring or anything and I told him that he was the only one that could change the big picture. He said that he would go to our next MC appointment and He asked me to go to brunch with him on Sunday and I said that sounded like fun. He said well you didn't give me an answer--he was worried I wouldn't go--we went and it was nice--took our son. He is taking our son to well baby check today-he works four days on four days off so he gets that duty more often these days.

Also on Saturday night I took our son out for ice-cream. When he asked what I had done on Saturday night he was surprised that I hadn't just stayed at home.

Hopefully it is working--hope MC appointment goes well on Wednesday.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In a way I know it seems like you may be playing games, (at least that is how I felt when I did it), but whatever works.

Shows H that you aren't sitting around mooning over his absence. I used to tell my H was out w/ a "friend". Had him wondering & curious.

It is good for you to get out too & not sit around dwelling on the situation &/or having a pity party, (did that too on some occasions, helped nothing).

Sounds like things are off to a good start, you are in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SEE.... why is it that it takes so little "ignoring" or "preoccupation" to get all this response? It may be like a little game and I know I said forever that "I am a grown woman and I refuse to resort to the single girl game playing with my own H!!" But unfortunately it brought him out of the "FOG" or just selfishness I would say.. and he has not looked back since. I do believe in Plan A... but when it doesn't work this is something part way between A and B??? (lol)

Don't give in just yet - he needs more time to need and miss you IMHO- keep doing things w/ your son and you alone at times - thats a good thing!

The update is that we are getting along well. We are our attending a joint MC appointment today--well at least H is suppose to go--it is at 11:30 pst--I will leave an update after the appointment.

Wish me luck

Albany

Albany,

That is such good news! I am happy for you, hope great things continue to happen for you both!

Keeping you in prayer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well he made it to MC--she basically told him he needs to take up individual counseling again to figure things out for himself since he is unclear as to leave marriage or stay--which he says doesn't have to do with OW or OC but has to do with some with guilt for his actions.

He made an appointment for next week and our MC suggested that we go do fun things together--after appt. he asked if we wanted to do brunch again and a movie.


Any thoughts or words of encouragement are always appreciated. Actually thoughs are good.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Okay just an update--would love to hear from anyone.

We went to brunch and a movie this weekend but are still arguements. He stays that he left in June before and that our issues don't have to do with OW and unborn OC--but we were doing very well in counseling until OW being pregnant came out. He states he is done right now but that he is going to his individual appointment today with his counselor with an open mind.

Tried of living like this and he continues to state he is unhappy and I believe that all has to do with him and this mess he has created.

Well let you all know what he has to say after his appointment if he shares anything.

Albany

Well I wonder about giving up right now. Maybe it is time to pull the plug.

After his counseling session he said he is done and that it is the best ofr both of us.

It is really hard for me beause he states he is worn out and just can't have us fight anymore.

Sadly all we have been argueing about is hime deciding to stay or go--nothing else.

Last night he firmly said he was done and he actually seemed to say things just to push me away. Such as that counseling really wasn't going well before even though our MC would ask if he wanted to continue and we only met with MC 5 times--5 weeks went by in our recovery process when he told me of OW being pregnant. I don't think that is true and I also think that it takes a long time to fix and re-build a marriage.

He keeps saying their was reason he left the first time--which is because he isn't happy.

This morning he came to our house to pick up our son to have him today and tom.

I didn't say good morning and he said well good morning to you too--and I replied that I wasn't sure that it was a good morning. He seemed hurt and distance.

I asked for a hug and he said no twice to it.

I told him that I love him and he is my best friend and I wasn't going anywhere and he let me give him a hug that time.

He said that I don't respect him because I called and left him 5 short voicemails last night after he said not to call--I have a hard time letting go and my OCD gets worse the more stressed I become.

He also said two nights ago that I was going about trying to get him back the wrong way which was by wanting answers now and asking 101 questions--it was pushing him away he said but we would to counseling with open mind--I fear it is too late and I have pushed him beyond returning unintentionally.

Right before I left for work I said give me a hug and I told him again that I love him and I'm not giving up--he a gave me a hug and didn't tell me to give him--just said he can't keep doing this--but yet he seems to floundering and not doing a lot to help this either--as well I haven't helped the situation.

What really sucks is that we both want the same thing but can't seem to get their and we both don't want to fight and argue.

I have promised myself not to call him even to check on our son and so I may not hear from him until he brings our son back on Friday night.

Maybe he just needs space and I'm not good at doing that--he seemed much better this morning as I said before--he said he is angry and mad at me because he thinks I do not respect him or I wouldn't call him when he has asked me not to.

What do you guys think--he means the world to me and maybe that's why I should let him go.

I fear though that I will let him go and he will come back eventually once he figures it all out.

Please help-- all realistic views are wanted and any words of inspiration and ecouragment that it could be salvaged are welcome. I need some hope that him not saying this morning that I should give up is a positive sign.

Albany <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Albany,

Whatever you do, dont' give up!!!!! Are you following Plan A? I didn't know about it until last month & all the while my H was gone, I pretty much said & did all the wrong things. Mainly argue, nag & badger, & I have done these things since he came home too, know what I accomplished or than raising my blood pressure & a colossal headache - NOTHING! Just made him shut down more & not want to see a counselor, or talk about anything w/ me. I have noticed just a little that he is talking more to me than I am to him these past few days, not a lot but because I am quiet, he doesn't know what to think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

If I can pull off keeping my mouth shut this weekend he will really be tripping, but that is my plan, I am gonna line up some things to do & be gone!

I know it is soooo hard for you right now & I wish I could tell you that in a year or two it will be better, I pray that it will for you, I know there are others on this board who can tell you that. Hang in there, until you can walk away from your M with no regrets & what ifs, you can't give up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not today, but this too shall pass....

Thanks--

I won't give up--I love him and our family too much-and as you I'm tired of being sick, tired, angry-etc. but not sick of it enough to give up.

Hopefully I will get some other responses.

Albany

You poor thing. ((( ))) HUG TO YOU.

Well, he certaily has everyone all tied up in a nice little basket doesn't he? Like KT said, as long as he is comfy all is well????

Go and read this WHOLE site. Read everything about Plan A, and Plan B. Print it out and really know it well. Then live it. Will it bring your marriage back? Well, hopefully. But if for some reason it does not, you will be on your way to your future.

You need to be strong. I know it hurts. I know you are scared and lonely, wondering. BUT, pull your shoulders back, stand tall, fix the hair, dress nice and get moving. First you need to hit the attorneys office. File for legal separation and get child support locked up for your child. Alimony? Get this going legally.

When that is done, do what KT said. This is YOUR home. HE left. He can't have it both ways. He is probably scared that coming home to you, he will have to truly face what he has done. By staying out, he insulates himself from the reality of what he has done. Guess what? Life is not rehersal. This is it. So, why put your life on hold? Sure you can be nice. You can share great family time, then send him home. Boundaries. Define yours.

As for ow, and oc. Not your problem. Sounds like your H didn't want the oc either. Well, in the real world the father has no choice once the ow is pregnant. HE made a huge error in judgement and is going to have to pay for it. He has to grow up and face it.

But for you, right now? I would take care of you and your child legally. Then I woudl follow KT's advice. Let him enjoy his visits with his family. Then send him home. Love that idea.

Tell him you love him, but don't be a doormat. Don't let him see you cry either. Be kind, be firm, show yourself respect. If you talk about oc and he gets bent out of shape, then QUIETLY tell him that he has to face it at some point, he can either deal with it with you, and work it out, or he can face it all alone. Then walk away. AND DO WALK AWAY.

I think he is just scared. He wishes the mess would just go away. He is embarrassed and wants to hide from all of it.

You will be ok. Just remember to love yourself. Take care of yourself and your child. Exercise and eat well. Don't let his mistake control you and your future.

Lynn G thank you

I think it may be over though. He came by last night to grab clothes for our son which he supposedly forgot in the morning--yeah right.

OF COURSE HE FOUND ME HAVING MY CRYING SPELL.
HE told me to give up on him that he only sees me as our sons mom and doesn't want to be my husband.

He says I do not respect him and he learned in his 1 hour IC session that he can do this and he has finally reached some clarity in his life.

He says that we are not longer a romantic couple and he has no desire to be romantic with me.

He also stated that the only thing he has to do is be able to see me with someone else and that he is sure he can do--he says he is now happy.

Okay I feel like crap or much worse--I'm verbally abusive too him also because when he doesn't want to talk I still talk and therefore I do not respect him.

We already had divorce papers drawn up before he came back to work it out and then finally told me about OW being pregnant.

We are going to redo those via do-it-yourself I believe.

He stated that he is mad at me right now and doesn't want to be around me because we only fight.

Everyone thinks he will come back because the longest he has ever been gone is six months.

His mom thinks he needs time too miss what we had that he really isn't seeing right now and she thinks we need to start over and he needs to see that we don't have to fight--but I don't even think I can get him to come around.

He just keeps stating that all that is left is to be good parents to our and that what is important is to make sure that we are each happy and he isn't happy with me--he wants all the things come in a new relationship.

Personally I agree that he wants to run and he is--it is easier to leave I have to now tell my parents this OW is pregnant because you see her welfare case mom found a sugar daddy in one of my dad's boss's-It is a family owned business and both my husband and father use to work their--my H no lnger does but that is how my H got involved with this 20-year old OW--who lives in a 2nd mother-in-law house that is own a piece of company property and drives a company vehicle and is on co. health ins, car ins. and gets free co. gas from the co.--pays no bills.

Anyway how do I approach this with my H--meaning getting it work if he doesn't even want to be around me.

Is their still hope--do I just give up on the man I love?

He told me last night if I loved him so much and respected him that I would let him go and I said I love you enough to let you go if that is what you want.

Now what?


Still do plan A???

I really think that he is just relieved that he made a decision--I think he is still confused and doesn't actually know what he wants what do you all think???


Albany <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear Albany~

No, I believe it's time for Plan B. Your H really isn't giving you any other option. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Have you read up on Plan B?

Another interesting thing is doing a "180". I've read about it in the past on other forums here on MB. A lot of success stories!

You still love your H, he hasn't completely killed that, yet. So I do believe there is still hope. Plan B in part is to preserve your love, while also giving him time to wake up to the realities.

((((albany))))

~ad

Oh NO Albany, your H is NOT making a decision--he's telling you to do! He's acting like an A$$!

He still does NOT want to make a decision which is why he keeps telling YOu to let him go. To me, that means there is still hope.

Get yourself all set up legally like Lynn said, a seperation even and NOT a divorce...get moving on w/ YOUR life, this IMO should not include someone "new".

But take care of your son and focus on he & you.

H wants You to make a decision-ok You make the decision to separate and STILL be married-why should you do all the dirty work?

Get your CS and alimony set up and taken care of......look into state guidelines and get the max (this is to protect your future TOGETHER). For CS it is roughly %20 of man's net income for 1 child.

Take care of yourself, you can do it. Set those boundaries and don't let H use YOU any more. If he wants a divorce-----then HE can choose, that is so selfish to try and put it on you. AND cowardly that way he can say that YOU chose that path or YOU gave up on him!

You are not the one who did anything wrong here and you are not the one who wants to end the marriage!

Go ahead and start rearranging that furniture! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
AND keep praying!

Time is what everyone says will hurt him--that he needs to see me being happy and loving life--I'm not sure how to get him to see that though--If I can't get him to come around me--and right now his last memories are not great of me.

I want his last memories me to be great.

I just want it to work and want him back.

Time is hard for me--this first started with him moving out in the end of June 2003--so time is getting the best of me.

Albany <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

KT

he said he was done already though--isn't that him making the decision???

I just said that I'm not giving up and he said to give him--is he trying to make me leave it--so it is easier for him????

I don't think that he will do a legal sep.--I think he is set on a divorce--but I can see him coming back even after that.

How do I act around him then??? I almost thought about telling him that I don't want to see him even when he drops are son off.

Albany

I was posting @ the same time as all of you----YOu know what I think AD has better advice.

Do the plan B like she suggested.

Your H is still acting like an A$$ though.

SOOOOOOO unbelievabley selfish-as if the only thing that matters is if HE is happy!!!!!

I wish I could tell him to go get a life in the REAL world buddy!!!!!

Life is much more than just making sure that YOURSELF is happy!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Take care of yourself Albany.

Well his IC has told him that even when she saw him in the fall--that he ultimately needs to be happy and we need to be good parents to our son together or apart.

He see someone different than JMC but they are in the same office.

So the verdict is time and no contact??

Albany

GET ANOTHER COUNSELOR!

That is a bunchof psycho-babble CRAP!!!

Being a good parent means making your KID happya nd kids are happy when they are part of a loving-intact-stable-2 parent home!

It is not about H life or him being happy! IT's about LOVE, respect and commitment to another human being that you made-that is BIGGEr than your own happiness! That is such a bunch o fBS and it makes me angry to no end to hear "professionals" spouting this off as ADVICE!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You don't gain respect for yourself by abandoning your wife and child to be "happy"!

You gain respect for yourself by doing the RIGHT thing! This is so ridiculous!

You guys need a cousnelor that is pro- MARRIAGE not pro-SELF! What a complete IDIOT!!!!!

I would so want to call that cousnelor and thank them for giving your H permission to abandon his wife and child but encouraging H to continue in his own selfish FOG!!!!! And that you'll be sure to recommend them to your child when he gets older and has to deal with the abandonement of his father!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

These people should not be counselors or therapists they should get a job for a sports team as a cheerleader!!!!!!!! "go go! do your best-----to ruin the lives of all the rest!!!! yay team!"

I'm so sorry! Your H really picked a winner for a counselor, someone who would tell him exactly what he wanted to hear and give him permission to continue in his selfishness!!!!

I really am soooo sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well our JMC is not like that but she respects H's IC so I think that H tells IC what he wants and takes her aswers how they best fit him--he can lie to her if I'm not their to say that is a lie--he can't do that in JMC--I have an appt. with our JC on next Wed. should I tell him he may join us???

I know him well enough to know he still isn't happy with leaving--I also know he can tell IC whatever and I knew when he went to see her again at the suggestionof our JMC that it would turn out this way.

Albany