Chris - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My point is, if YOU do not argue, there can be no argument.
He now expects it to happen, so he “gets ready” for it.

Surprise him and DO NOT argue, regardless of who starts it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My point is Chris, I am just starting a true "Plan A" so I won't be starting arguements anymore, learned my lesson about that just recently, as I said in earlier posts, if you read any of them, I HAVE BEEN GOING ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG, my arguing days are over, I am learning now, better late than never, right.

Albany,

I am not giving up, rearing up for the real "Plan A" as I said. My questions & demands were only the weapon I felt I had so that is what I did, & it helped nothing, maybe in some way, I have been in my own "fog" since this all started, I saw that the arguements helped nothing, but I was determined to try to make him give me some answers or leave.

Fortunately for you you found this site a lot earlier than I did, so whatever LBing you have done doesn't have as long a history as it could!

This site has helped me tremendously also even in the short time I been on it. You can do this too Albany, I know it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

KT - Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Set aside a specific time, like an appointment w/ H to "discuss" "issues" on your mind. Set a time limit. This helps everyone to be prepared to know what to expect so H is not afraid of being blindsided @ any moment whenever we have a ??? in our mind or something is bothering us.

Let H know about this plan and then write things down so you won't forget by the time the appointment comes. Assure your H that the discussion ends when the time limit is over.

This helps everyone feel @ ease and H doesn't have to have his guard up all the time waiting for you to "strike". And you are free to enjoy your time w/ H knowing that your issues will be heard later, so nothing is just "floating" in the air between you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H & I had the first non-combative weekend in months!! I told him I had an idea & mentioned the "appt." time to talk for 30 minutes once a week, he very pleasantly agreed, said it sounded like a good idea, I told him to write down questions he had for me & I would do the same. We also went out to dinner & saw a movie, talked about everything except the "situation", it was a really great day & night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I feel hope that I have not felt in a long time. I am reading SAA & I would be lying if I said that I still feel like I am having to do way to much work here, trying to follow Plan A & all that it entails, H should be throwing flowers at my feet, everyday as far as I am concerned, but that is not gonna happen.

Anyhoo again just wanted to say thanks, & thank you to whoever initially gave you that piece of advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh I'm so glad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Boy are you patient...only 30 minutes? I'd JUST be getting started @ 30 minutes. LOL

I am so glad you had a good time this weekend. Let the love flow and and keep everything in it's proper place and prospective. Appt. for the nitty gritty allows you to enjoy yourself too knowing your ??? will get answered and issues will be addressed.

You ARE allowed to have fun too, it will be what keeps you energized and keeps you going!

YAY!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KT,

Believe me I wanted to say 60-90 minutes, but I knew 30 would be safe for him, he will be the timekeeper for sure!

Patience has nothing to do w/ it at all, I just know what I am working with & as far as defensive mode & attetnion span goes, 30 minutes would be more than enough for him.

I can go for hours & he knows it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

oh ok good. I thought I was the only one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, anywayI am still so happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks, I am happy too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You also need to keep a journal while you are waiting for your "time". Write down every thought, every question, every idea, etc.

The most important thing is to stay calm and give them time to answer. So many times when a person is all wound up, the questions come out like a -rat-tat-tat of a machine gun, leaving no time to answer.

Try it. Ask a question, calmly and quietly. Then sit back, look him in the eye and wait for the answer. When/if he is used to the rapid-fire questions, all he has to do is wait a few questions out and answer the one that is the easiest to answer!!! Try it it works.

Then, no matter where you are in the discussion, even if it is going awesome, at the appointed time, say thanks and let it go. Even if you have a million thoughts going through your head. While you may think it was going good, he may have hated every minute of it. So he learns to trust the time frame and the process.

Oh, and if you get ticked off by anything, write it down. Do not explode. This isn't to say you can never show your anger. If you are searching for answers and truth, leave anger at the door. At the point when you have all the truth, and your anger is at the top, THEN you can take your appointed time and the blow up like a volcano. But until you have all your questions answered, no sense in making him not want to be honest at this time.

Lynn,

Thank you for your input. I have the idea on the table & it is acceptable but I am a bit nervous at how it will go, that is a great idea to write everything down, like KT said 30 min. is not a lot of time, but I have to make use of it & also make sure to cut it off when time is up, he will be watching the time though for sure so no chance of going over my time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am sure he is tired of my "interrogation tactics" so this will be a welcome change, even though he won't like it & for sure would never have brought the idea up to me.

I will definitely start writing today so I am prepared.

Thanks again Lynn, I need all the help I can get, I am very used to being angry when I talk to H, so this "appointed time plan" will be good for me too by helping me keep my emotions in check.

Just when I thought all was lost.... could there be light at the end of the tunnel afterall? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />