To Murphy,<BR>To answer your question, "Does she even think of me"? It probably depends on the relationship you had before the affair. If it was relatively good then I'd say she thinks about you alot. I did. Guilt about what you've done and who you left behind starts to play a role as time goes on. Also you begin to see the op as they really are, and in time you find out that things are no better than they were in your marriage except that you've given up an awful lot and you've hurt alot of people.<P>The kind of person you are also has something to do with it. I may do something wrong and bury the guilt, but sooner or later it bubbles up to the surface and it bothers me. Some people are not bothered by anything. They can justify any of their actions in their own mind. <P>So I think it depends on the person and the relationship, but to leave a spouse and family behind and never think about them again sounds impossible. It may all come down to how much guilt can you bury before it comes to the surface. Hope that helps.<P>To willbok99,<BR>To answer your questions:<BR>Yes I saw both of my sons at least once a week while I was with the ow. We would usually go out to dinner or lunch and talk about how they were and what was going on in their lives. We never mentioned the affair or the ow. They never spoke to me about the situation, but my wife told me that they took my leaving very hard. We were always very close and they never expected that the one person they looked up to would betray them. Now I've got an awful lot of make up work to do, and I doubt if I will ever have the respect I had before I made such a stupid mistake.<P>Did I keep up the financial contribution to the family?<BR>Yes. I made monthly payments directly into my wife's checking account which paid all of her major bills (mortgage, insurance, electric, medical). I also paid for anything out of the ordinary like $1200 to have the car repaired or just gave money to the kids. It was really just a way of relieving some of the guilt.<P>I did betray them all, but I never abandoned them (at least not financially). The family went on without me as best they could.

Freedom, God is truly wonderful. He never leaves your side. Thanks for sharing, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Hi Freedom,<BR> Thank you so much for your story....I can hear the pain and remorse in your words. One question....is there anything that would've brought the affair to a close quicker? What if your W cut you out of her life? Did you feel you had it both ways, the family and the OW? Just trying to make sense of it all, in my case once I went to Plan B with no contact everything fell apart for my H. He described the OW as you did, perfect in every way, soulmate etc.but being cut off from the family (except for visitation) was too much for him...One other question, what did your parents , her parents,W's parents etc. think of all of this?.... you have one incredibly strong W.....Lu

lu,<BR>After reflecting on the past the only thing that could have ended the affair sooner would have been if the ow ended it. My wife threatened to divorce me and if she had I would either be married to the ow or the affair would have run it's course and I'd be alone today.

Okay, yes i commend your opennes and honesty. What I am having a problem with is this new found religious belief that it is in God's hands. No I am not religious at all. But to say that God will provide the answers in my opinion is another easy way out of having to make MATURE, REASONABLE decisions on with your own mind. So many times I see people hit rock bottom and when they are lonely they think that if they turn to God and start going to church, their lives will be fulfilled and NO I have not seen there lives get any better since they started going to church on a regular basis. It's as if all of a sudden God is leading your decisions now because you screwed up your life so bad, that you are hoping that this new power of belief is going to mend your mistakes for you. Hopefully one day you will be in love with your wife again and you are willing to let her keep her hopes up for a man that MAY or MAYNOT be in love with her again. I think that situation is TOTALLY SELFISH on your part! You want her to waste her precious years and life incase you want to go back because you don't have another in the wings YET! That is just my opinion.

WOW, thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunitly I can see myself standing in your shoes. You've given me a lot to think about. THANKS!!

I actually printed this out to take to my H... sometimes hearing the story from someone outside of things makes more sense. I feel the same way you do, freedom... almost exactly. I came very close to moving in with the OM, but luckily he chickened out. That gave me some much needed room to look at my H - mostly what I was doing to him. And it has been war. And war is never painless.<P>Thank you for your post!

If only God promised sunshine and roses for those of us who believe in Him. Our lives are just as rocky as nonbelievers, we just know that we are forgiven when we confess our sins. We also know that if we follow God's way, it is the right way and will work out for the better, not always our better but God's. God hates divorce!!!

God wants us to follow him and is always with us, but He also gives us free will to make those mature and responsible decisions. Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we realize that we can't do it alone.

Dear Freedom - I'd just like to add my thanks for telling your story. It is truly remarkable, and I will pray that you and your wife rebuild your marriage and that it becomes better than ever. You have learned so much from this, and have borne much pain, and so has your wife and family. I commend you for your honesty and your willingness to share it with all of us here. Your insights are valuable to all of us here. I, too, am a victim of my H's infidelity. He finalized our divorce 3 months ago and will be marrying the OW next month. I can only shake my head in disbelief. He has justified and rationalized what he has done, and is convinced that he is doing the right thing. I don't hold out hope any more that he will ever "wake up", and if he does, and wants to come back, I don't think I could ever trust or respect him again. I wish I had the fortitude of your W, but he hurt me in too many other ways for our relationship to ever be resumed.<P>You and your wife will remain in my prayers and your story will stay with me for a very long time to come. May God Bless you Both!!

To trying2_4give,<P>Let me help you understand. First of all it is not a new found religious belief. As I said, I was raised in a good Christian home. However, I only paid attention to God on Sunday and whenever I wanted something. I never had a personal relationship with God. I'll reveal something to you that I didn't print in my original post. Two weeks ago on Monday I hit the bottom of the pit. I had lost the ow, and my wife was definitely divorcing me. I finally realized that I had lost everything I had ever worked for, and everyone that was really important to me. I stayed home from work that day because I couldn't get out of bed. The despair and depression was that bad. Whenever I woke up I started crying. About noon I finally got on my knees and told God that I was truly sorry for all I had done and told Him to take over my life because it was totally out of control and I couldn't get any lower.<P>The following day I had a business trip to Denver. I really didn't want to go, but I had to. I got on the plane the next day and felt really bad. I got to Denver, but I never made it to the meeting. I don't have enough space or time here to explain what happened to me in Denver, but never made it to the meeting. Instead I met 3 men one was a Christian psychologist the second was a pastor and the third was a Christian man who was the CEO of a Denver based company. Each of these men had a different and special message for me, and none of them knew I was comming to Denver nor had any planned to meet me. It was like the movie Scrooge (and I'm not making any jokes or trying to be funny). Anyway before I left Denver I again asked God for forgiveness and ended up balling like a baby, but when I left Denver I knew that my life had turned around. <P>Again no details, but 2 weeks later (today) my wife and I are having sessions with Dr. Harley and we know it's going to work and best of all I'm not feeling the pain of withdrawal like I was. <P>The point is I believe that God heard my prayers and answered them (very quickly). I also believe that what happened to me in Denver was Divine Intervention. Since that Monday my life has done a complete turnaround for the better.<P>Now I could care less if you believe in God or not. I know what I experienced was not natural. <P>God is not leading my decisions. I now understand that what got me in trouble was the fact that my emotions were driving my behavior. Now I let my faith (what God would want) drive my behavior. Nothing is going to mend my mistakes. What's done is done, but I am already falling back into love with my wife.<P>I didn't ask my wife to wait for me either. She had her own faith and asked God to help her get through this. With or without me.<P>Now for my opinion. First you've picked the wrong name. You are obviously not trying to forgive anyone. You are very bitter, maybe rightfully so, but still bitter. You need to decide how you want to proceed in your own life. Maybe the best thing for you to do is get divorced, maybe not. But I do know that if you want your marriage to work your attitude will have to change. Even if his doesn't. It was my wifes kindness to me that made me feel even more guilty. If she were angry with me and argued all the time I'd feel good about the affair, but she acted like she understood. Like I had a sickness (I did) so I always felt more guilty after talking to her. So my advice is try a different tactic. Try Dr. Harley. Try to remember how you two acted while you were dating before the marriage, and most of all talk to each other without trying to blame something on one another. Lastly, you may want to try talking to God. It's a humbling experience, but look at where I was 2 weeks ago and where I am today. You can't argue with the facts. Good luck and keep posting I'll never hold anything against anyone who believes I'm a real sh-- because I WAS.<BR>

freedom, all I can say is Praise our Lord for his goodness!!!<P>Your post has made me realize that I cannot give up praying.... I do wish my H was supporting us financially as you were, but God can change this also...<P>My problem now, I know H is living out his life in an on-line game sometimes 14 hours a day..... this is his drug, an escape from facing reality..... <P>God is what I rely on to someday break through to him also, so I will hold tight to your story, and your precious wife who held on 6 years.... thats 1 1/2 more than I have, so I know it can be done....<P>Give that wife a big hug!!! I'll be praying that God rekindles your emotions for one another, as He is able to do all things exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we could hope for, or even imagine... <P>cozy

Okay, so first you say "You are/were truly in love with the OW", now you say you were "sick". You said look at where you were today compared to 2 weeks ago. Ofcourse their is a difference, TIME makes things easier to deal with. No, I don't hold anything against what you have said to me or about me, like I said it was my opinion and I question EVERYTHING that I don't understand. Yes I do need counseling, because I am not the forget and forgiving kind. I don't want to be bitter, and I refuse to become one of those bitter women who hate ALL MEN! I think that there are some very good men out there, you just have to go through life's experiences and learn from them. No I am not religious and yes I understand that you could care less if I am. But as I said, it seems that when people have no one else to turn to because they have destroyed the friendship, love, or whatever the case may be, that is when they turn to God saying that HE will take care of things, and to me that sounds that you want to put the blame of whatever happens now be it good or bad on HIM. You say that you are now falling back in love with your wife, but on one of the reply's you said you still are in love with the OW. It's as if you are forcing yourself to love your W again, because you know that it would be the "right" thing to do. And NO ONE deserves love that has to be forced. And before anyone comes back with the turn to God statements...let's just say I am an Agnostic, I question everything!

Freedom - You are to be commended for taking the right path after so long faltering in darkness. Learning to love yr w again might take time, but you loved her for some reason once! I pray you find that love again!<P>Try2ing_4give - This is all too new to you for you to understand the great accomplishment that Freedom has achieved. You say that you question everything, and probably with good reason. However, many times people turn to GOD when in need because they know that He has always been there waiting for them to ask for his intervention. God gives each man/woman freewill. It's your asking for help that allows Him to enter your life; and even though at times it may not look like everything has become peaches & cream, you are better able to cope knowing that there is someone that cares and loves you without judgement. So open your heart to faith, and learn how to repair the damage done to your marriage, or let it go, so that your heart doesn't harden too much.<P>Dragonfly

Why is it that I am labeled "bitter" or "hardened heart" because I question things. But such as it is, if that is what people need to believe about me then so be it. But i will still speak my mind and question whatever needs to be questioned for MY knowledge.

trying2_4give,<P>I don't think anyone is accusing you of being bitter because you question things. I certain question many things also. It's the words and tone you choose in your posts and the attitude that comes across that reflects the bitterness in you.<P>If you're in this forum you probably have good cause to be angry and bitter. We all feel those emotions at times. Just don't let them drive your behavior. That's the message I've learned in this whole crisis. Don't let your emotions drive your behavior because it only gets you in trouble.<P>Even if you don't believe in God let the goodness in you drive your behavior. You will end up feeling better about yourself and your life will be more fulfilling.

Thank you Freedom. You are correct I have been guilty of letting my emotions rule my behavior. I think for me it is for my own protection. Survival of the Fittest. And I don't mean to come across that way to strangers, just to people that have not had my best interest at heart. I know that I need to start each day by choosing what kind of day i am going to have. Thanks for the words of advice, BUT i'm not letting you off the hook that fast...because i still have questions! lol smile

trying2_4give,<P>When I first read freedom's Whole Story, I was pretty skeptical myself about him putting his life in God's hands. Like you, I am non-religious (in fact I'm atheist, hope that doesn't turn anyone off). Also I know some of his story from talking to him via personal email. My first thought was that he was so depressed over the loss of his OW that he went into complete denial.<P>But I can't deny that it sounds an awful lot like he's making some real progress with his wife (Yay for you freedom!). Whatever the methods people find themselves using, if they turn out happy in the end, that's the important part.<P>Freedom, your story of your trip to Denver is fascinating and I wish I had more details! I'm genuinely glad that you are starting to find happiness with your wife again, and I truly hope that your pain of withdrawal is gone for good! You were really down not too long ago, and the change is truly amazing!<P>--airheart

I just have to say that I admire your wife's strength. She was strong enough to hang in there and never lost her faith with God. What I don't know is how can she get past you saying the sex was so good with the other woman. That would strip away my self esteem if my now ex told me that the sex was better with the ow than with me. Yes there are alot of other important things than sex in a marriage, but I could not handle knowing another woman did a better job than I pleasing my man and therefore would not feel comfortable with him again. How is she dealing with this?<P>Just curious, my marriage is over now. I could not hang in there the way your wife did. I hope the best for you two.<P>Sheila

bluestar,<BR>There are many things about my affair that my wife does not know about. The details about things like sex is one of them. She doesn't want to know details and I'm not volunteering either.