BBG93 & Albany I hate that things are not going good for you. I think I did plan b first I filed and made him leave. Something he didn't think I would ever do. It puts a light into the fog. Doesn't lift it by no means. I tried not to talk to him, but he called constanly. Drove me crazy. And I did give him 8 mnts to spend w/ her and it hurt everytime I heard they where here or there. But I don't regret the way I got his attention. No he knows that I can and will do it again. I don't care what he has promised our D. He's the one that broke it. It's not going to be all momma this time and I have told him that. I remind him of what he has promised me and her. This OW is just trying to destoy our lives and if he is weak enough to let her do it, then so be it. I'm a big girl and will be fine. I still don't know or what the furture hold for us, but we will find out. Like KT has told all of us newbies, if you file for seperation and they leave then your done, its over, your finished. If he straighten up and comes out of the fog, then your on your way to recovery. What do we have to loose, our minds! And only our minds. The last voodoo talk we had I think finally sunk in alittle, but we are still having to put all our efforts into this EVERY DAY!! And will do that I guess for awhile. I'm saying a prayer for each of you every night and you are on my mind also. Missed everyone but trip was GREAT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Look forward to the next one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe soon--I just want someone to wave the magical wand--and really is it worth trying PB is their really any signs in anything I have said that make you think PB will work for this H. Maybe I should give up now and be done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, albany...here's the skinny.

Yes, there are signs Plan B will work. I wouldn't be spending the better part of my afternoon, (with wet hair, and with my kid's bugging me to make the dessert I promised), trying to convince you it's the next logical step you should take if I didn't think there was hope!

You say you don't think you are ready for Plan B, yet you go on to say, maybe you should give up and be done. Now albany, I understand you must be terribly emotionally drained, but those two statements just don't jive to me. See, Plan B is extreme, and I can understand why you are afraid to do it, but ending the M is REALLY extreme.

If you want to continue in Plan A, and try the 180 concepts, that is fine, but at the very least, you should begin a course of action. Set a goal. Have it in your mind, exactly how much time you will deal with things as they are now.

Albany, remember though, that when entering Plan B, you need to leave WH with the best possible memories. The longer you hang on, and the longer he is being Mr. Cakeman, the harder it will be for you to leave him with happy thoughts of you!

I'm pulling for you girl. I see something in your situation that gives me much hope!!

Okay I get it--sorry to be a whiney littlw twit but I'm glad you see something because I can't see anything that shows it could work right now--I think I have reached my own fog state so to speak if that makes any sense.

Anything that jumps out at you for making it possible given the history here.

Sorry to be bothering you today while the kids are pulling at you--go make dessert write if you have time--your family is more important.

I will try to start maing some goals and bechmarks so to speak--an outline and at the same time do 180 stuff.

Thank you Autumnday--all of you guys are great!

This goes out to all of you gals you have been their for me. A hug and a great big thank you for all your help especially today.


A BLESSING

FOR YOU, AND HOPEFULLY BACK TO ME

"I wish for you...


Comfort on difficult days,


Rainbows to follow the clouds,

Laughter to kiss your lips,


Sunsets to warm your heart


Gentle hugs when spirits sag,


Friendships to brighten your being,


Beauty for your eyes to see,

Confidence for when you doubt,

Faith so that you can believe,

Courage to know yourself,

Patience to accept the truth,


And love to complete your life.

God Bless you!

I asked the Lord to bless you


To guide you and protect you

As you go along your way....



His love is always with you

His promises are true

No matter what the tribulation

You know He will see us through

So when the road you're traveling on


Seems difficult at best

Give your problems to the Lord


And God will do the rest.

Oh albany, I get a little too sharp tongued for my own good, when all I'm really trying to do is make a point. My hair can wait, and so can my kids, (they're a little on the spoiled side anyway--they're teenagers, what more can I say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

You are not a whiney little twit, please don't even think that about yourself!

I do see hope in your situation, I honestly do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I don't post directly to people regarding their exact situations too often because of time constraints and what not, (well that, and it's difficult for me to keep track of lots of stories at once). I pick and choose carefully. When I came upon your story, I was touched, something told me you have a real opportunity to save your M.

I hope I did not offend you in any way. If I did, please accept my sincerest aplogies, and lets get back to the work of turning your H around!!!

It's fine--I just felt bad for taking up so much of your time today.

I will start with implementing the 180 and sticking to it--my problem is that it begins to work and H comes around and I stop doing the 180 things and I never maintain long enough--I'm too easy and H has figured that out--so I need to stick to 180 and really make him work for it instead flopping over as soon as it begins to work.

He hasn't called about picking son up and I'm not going to worry about it--going to pick him up like most days and forget about it--not going to call and find out why he didn't call back about it or b*&%h at him about not letting me know--ignoring him works rather well.

I just have to build up to it one step at a time and I'm sorry that I'm in such a state that I can see any signs right now. We have been through so much-brain tumor, business failing him doin personal bankruptcy, havin a child etc.

Thanks for taking time out of you busy day for me someone you wouldn't even know if we saqw each other on the street corner.

Hey Albany, Sorry you had such a rough day. I kept reading your posts at work, but I can't log in to respond. I read a post that might be helpful for you over on the General Questions board. The thread is called Plan A: Doormats and Love Busters. It was posted by Zorweb. It really explains plans A & B and some common mistakes that are made. It also talks alot about LBers. If you haven't read it, you might want to check it out. I learned alot from it and it just might help you decide what direction you want to go right now. You are in my thoughts. Your M is worth saving. Continue to trust in God and keep working hard at your M. You will survive this mess. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't ever worry that you are taking up too much of our time here by posting alot. Thats what your MB friends are for. We are here to listen and support you whenever and how often you need us.

Sunny, So glad that things are going so well for you. I wish I could talk H into going away for awhile. I think that would do us a world of good. So happy for you!!!

BG93 - Hang in there. Keep the faith and things will get better for you.

I will talk you all later. I have got to go cook for the kids.

God Bless,
Kris

sorry hijack......making new topic.

<small>[ April 27, 2004, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I don't know if anyone can help me at all, I guess I just really need to vent or ramble. I am starting to feel like I am depressed, the last few days I can hardly get out of bed, I have started sleeping w/ the covers over my head, haven't looked at H since Sunday morning. I am usually in bed when he comes in & still there when he leaves for work in the morning. The last few days he has been making small talk w/ me about my hands mostly, asking how I feel & how is work coming etc. I am saying nothing to him unless he talks to me.

I am totally miserable, I really don't care much anymore if he re-does his contract or not. I feel like he will never compromise w/ me at all concerning his D & OW's role in all this. I want him to leave, to not feel this pain anymore of knowing that he is coming home, but he never really came home. I don't want this on my mind anymore & there seems to be no escape from it in sight.

I am going to set up an appt. w/ my IC, I know God does not want me living like this, I have gained weight, & I am depressed about that, I really don't see much purpose in my life right now, no reason to get up everyday, all there seems to be is this pain, this thorn in my side that I can't seem to pull out. If he really ever loved me at all, he would leave, but it is like he doesn't see the pain he is causing me daily, when I try to explain it to him he tells me he is in pain too & ashamed of what he has to done to me & our M. His actions say something totally different though.

I asked him to go away w/ me for our anniversary next month, he never got back to me, I asked back in March. He doesn't want me, why won't he let me go? I feel like this in the only place I can let this all out.

Thanks for listening.

BBG93 (((((((HUG)))))))) I feel you need a hug. I'm so sorry that he wont come out of fogville. I hate to see you like this. When do you think you can get the money for the seperation papers and get him out ? Have you contacted an attorney yet? You are loosing all your love for this man and not leaving him w/ a fond memory of you either. Do you not have family you can get the money from? How much would it be to get him out. He is bring you down and I hate to see it. You are worth so much more than that. I know you are tired and you do need to do something. GET OUT OF THE BED, GO FOR A WALK, LOOK AT THE THINGS GOD CREATED FOR US TO ENJOY !!!! Smell the fresh air. I know you don't want to leave your home, but if you can't get him out now then maybe you need to look at leaving for a little while. Just because you leave doesn't mean you can't get the home back. I left & got him out and then went back. Or just the next time he wants to argue call the police and have him removed and change the locks! thats kinda bogus but if it works. be back later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm so sorry to here that. We are always here to listen--here for each other.

Life is worth living and believe I wonder what my purpose is right now and where I will be in a couple of years.

I strongly encourage going to IC and finding out about an anti-depressant--I'm OCD and it really got severe during all this and I started taking something for it in December--it has really helped me out. It is actually an anti-depressant that used for OCD (Paxil) so maybe it is helping me in more ways than one.

Get your butt out of bed and go exercise in the morning--it will really help or go in the evening--even just a walk in the neighborhood.

Don't stoop to this and curl up in a ball you are much stronger than that--I can tell that from you posts--I think you need to get going and be happy because right now even if he did commit you are in no shape to even really care or deal with it so right now your goals and focus should be on you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Your are a great person--really extraordinary-I mean how many people can go through what you have and would fight this long for something?? Not many we are unique.

Don't know a whole lot more.

H called yesterday on his way to work to say he was sorry that he hadn't called to let me know one way or the other if he was picking son up from daycare. I just said I had picked him up and left that issue at that.

I left him a voicemail about I love you, care and want us to work on our marriage and good thins usually do not come without work.

He called back and said he got my message and I said something in response about doesn't sound like you really care-he said all he was saying right now is that he was acknowledging that he heard what I was saying. I think he is scared to say much more because I usually fling it in his face--I know not good but I'm working on it.

He picked our son up today after he got off this morning and took him to daycare until this afternoon. We had pleasant coversation. Last night he called and I wasn't real nice--wasn't mean--just acted not interested in talking to him.

Anyway that is where it is at right now.
Not all bad.

Thanks Ladies so much, I could borrow the $ in a heartbeat but I don't want to ask my family & there is no one else to turn to for $. That is why I said I would have to wait until Aug. to do anything legal. I have thought of changing the locks & putting his s#@t on the curb but I really hate to cause a scene, plus my parents live 4 houses down, they the whole story but not what is going on behind closed doors right now, they think we are working things out, & they don't really ask much. They just got to the place where they can think of forgiving him for what he has done. So when they find out any of this he will be gone.

I thought of getting some AD for myself, but I take other meds & dont' really want anything else, I have not had anything in almost 2 yrs. so why start now. I need to lean totally on God & give this over to him, but it just tears me up to know H is still in the house w/ me, & it is so hard to try not to look at my circumstances & lean on GOD w/ him there.

I am not going to do anything stupid, but I sometimes I wish I could lay down & not get up. Guess I am just really tired & having a pity party for myself today. I will be alright eventually.

This weekend we have to do some things together for the house, that is also why my $ is all tied up too, remodeling. After that is done, I really will have no use for him at all. I will make an effort to eat better & start some type of excercise prog., I am only killing myself slowly like this I know.

Thanks again for the input.

Sunny I am gonna email you.

Albany,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Life is worth living and believe I wonder what my purpose is right now and where I will be in a couple of years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your purpose is your son if nothing else, & I am praying & believe that it is also to be a W to your H. I know I feel so down because I have raised my son, so I feel like no one needs me, I could be a step mom to H's D, never raised a girl so that would be a challenge I am sure, best part is if I didn't want to deal w/ her I dont' have to & she wouldn't be w/ me 24/7, (never wanted a daughter). It is not all about having a man in my life either cuz I know if H can't treat me no better than this I may as well be alone. It just feels so overwhelming right now, like I am under water & someone keeps pushing me back down.

I think you are on the right track though, like I said only YOU know what you can do right now so work PA (Plan A) & the 180's as best you can. I too believe H will come around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi albany~

If you feel you must remain in Plan A, then I say go for it--give it your all. You must do an absolute stellar job of it though. Between me and the fencepost, I believe if your H is going to respond to anything, it will be a hard-core Plan B, but it's not up to me. Only you know what you can do. Please have a plan in motion, in case Plan A continues to leave your H in la-la land. I think you need to set a realistic date-- say June 1.

Keep in mind what a good, strong Plan A looks like: Always trying to meet his ENs, stopping all LBs, and exposing the affair/oc to anyone and everyone who could help him to see he needs to be accountable. They say this is best done in Plan A, not Plan B when you are not as able to do damage control.

In doing the best damn Plan A you can muster, (even if it doesn't have the desired outcome of him coming home and working on the M)-- you will at least acheive showing him your best side. See, then if you do have to go to Plan B, you will have left him with a very good image, and promise of what he could expect the M to be like when he comes back. If you leave him with only a bad taste in his mouth before moving to Plan B, he will be like, "why would I want to go back there????"

Your best hope at a successful Plan B, is a beautiful, nearly flawless Plan A. So the time is now, albany--give it all you've got, and then some. Who knows, maybe this time it will work, and you won't have to go to Plan B. I still need to be a little voice of doom, (read reality), and say it is extremely difficult to acheive the desired results using Plan A, while the WS is living outside your home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will start with implementing the 180 and sticking to it--my problem is that it begins to work and H comes around and I stop doing the 180 things and I never maintain long enough--I'm too easy and H has figured that out--so I need to stick to 180 and really make him work for it instead flopping over as soon as it begins to work.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Albany, you will never be able to stick to a flawless Plan A, if his actions and words dictate your actions and words. What you must remember is that only you are in control of you. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES, YOU STICK TO YOUR PLAN A CONCEPTS! PLAN A DOES NOT END WHEN HE BEGINS TO GIVE IN A LITTLE OR BEHAVE A LITTLE BETTER. Your goal is for him to say, "albany, I am ready to fully come back to this M, and I am ready to give 100% to you and our M." Do not settle for anything less before ending Plan A concepts. Of course the only other way Plan A ends, is when you need to go to Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I left him a voicemail about I love you, care and want us to work on our marriage and good thins usually do not come without work.

He called back and said he got my message and I said something in response about doesn't sound like you really care-he said all he was saying right now is that he was acknowledging that he heard what I was saying. I think he is scared to say much more because I usually fling it in his face--I know not good but I'm working on it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, well I am glad you are working on it--you recognize the things that don't work, that's a good thing. However, I will reiterate, and I believe it's in the 180 list I gave you--DO NOT talk about the relationship. Especially saying to him over VM that good things do not happen without work. You know that was a major LB, right? He most likely heard it as preachy, and treating him like a child. He probably feels backed into a corner each time you say things like this. Then of course your response to him about him sounding like he didn't care--you heard straight from the horse's mouth how frustrated he was with that.

You're right, he probably is scared to say too much, and not even sure exactly what to say, for fear of your response. He may be measuring his words, because he feels you're measuring, and analyzing every word he utters, and even the way he says them.

This having to bite your tongue stuff reeks, I know--it's one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. I try to remember to pray each morning before I even get out of the bed, "Dear Lord, please help me not to say or do something I will regret today." Also, when on the way to any kind of social event, meeting, and anytime I know there will be major communication w/ my teens and or H, I say out loud to myself, "autumn--listen more, talk less, listen more, talk less!!!!!" Maybe if you try these, it will help you too.

Also, you may want to try things like this:

When he says something mean to you, you should say, "I'm sorry you feel that way".

or

"You're right dudely, (insert your term of endearment)".

It will be difficult for him to pitch a fit when you're not striking back. He'll quickly run out of arrows, or at the very least, will see no use in using them.

Let him be the jerk all he wants, but no matter what, you will remain true to Plan A. Keeping in mind, Plan B is just around the corner to fall back on, if even your most flawless, best-damn, this side of the Mississippi, Plan A does not sway him!!!!

Here for ya albany! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~ad

Hey Albany,

How are you doing today? Slept w/ the covers over my head again, H came in asking how I felt & about my day. This morning he got up & was standing in the bedroom in the dark doing who knows what, did this for about 5 min., got back in bed, got up again 90 min. later, did the same thing before getting dressed & leaving. Asked me what wrong before he left. Duh - where do I begin!!!!

It is bothering him that I wont' talk to him or look at him. I am gonna leave him a note about Sat. - going to pick up the furniture. I know I will probably have to wait for days for him to put it together, that is already making me mad.

I will see my IC next week, don't know how much help she will be. I know I am stuck in limbo land until he leaves or I throw him out, or by some miracle he does a 180, I know I am dreaming. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BBY93

Things are okay--had call hi about the lawnmower-it had a dead battery and he had left it on the charger--but it still wouldn't start--I was annoyed with a little bit and he said do we have to argue everyday--I said not I'm just angry--that I can't mown the lawn--he is good if we have no conflcit--he can't handle in conflict right now--don't know why.

He said he would call today--I replied yah and he repeated himself and I said okay yah whatever.
He didn't like it that I wasn't really excited about him calling--justing needing a break.

So if I care and show it--it pushes him away and when I act as if I don't care--he wants me to care I think--hello--what the heck???

Anyway he hasn't yet called--that's fine--said he would stop by after work to check out the lawn mower. Whatever--just get it working so I don't have to call you about it again is all I want.

Albany,

Are you doing some of the 180's? I am sorry I am forgetting what you are doing.

It drives them crazy I think when they are ignored, but when you want to talk about something meaningful it seems to turn into an arguement & then they get annoyed. Hopefully he can get your mower fixed & you won't have to call him anytime soon to help you w/ anything, sounds like you don't feel like dealing w/ him today at all. I know what that is like.

Hang in there.

Yes, I'm trying to do 180--started that Tuesday. Also do some Plan A. It is a beautiful day today--suppose to be mid 80's.

Anyway--I'm trying to not LB and trying 180--you are right they hate to be ignored.

It is very nice here too, mid 70's, windy though.

I can no longer even try to do PA so I guess I am doing a 180 also, under much protest, (since he won't leave), being that I am asking him nothing -no questions about anything, not talking at all unless answering a question & trying to live my life as if he isn't there.

This sucks so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />