Hey everyone!!

Albany - Looks like things are looking up for you. Keep up the good work and H will continue to come around. Its just a matter of time and patience.

Sunny - So happy for you still. Sounds great and glad you have so much support from your friends and H. Overcoming those reminders are going to be tough - but you can handle it.

kt - What an eventful day!! I so wish my H reaches the point that your H has. I think the key is communication - and you and your H seem to do that well. I know you have no problems speaking you mind, and your H seems to do the same. That is one thing my H and I both need to work on. I am trying, but I have never been one to speak up too much - just bury it all inside. Not good for me, and I am now realizing not good for M.

BG - So sorry your H has not opened his eyes to see what he is missing out on. You are a wonderful person, and one day he will truly regret what he has done to you. Hopefully he realizes it before he has destroyed your M totally. Keep the faith. Work on bettering you and your relationship with God. A strong foundation in faith is so important in life and in M. I just had a talk with H about that tonight. I was telling him how I am so worried about the path he is taking in life. Said he needs to stop his destructive behavior and turn it over to God for help. Who knows if it helped? But right now I am sincerely more worried about H's spiritual life than my M right now. If he does not make a choice to change, it absolutely terrifies me the consequences he will face later. I will keep praying for him.

Mother's day was good. I really didn't expect much except the gifts the kids make at school. I was pleasantly surprised by a present H bought. It was a music box with angels on it and a water fountain. It plays Amazing Grace. It is beautiful and I told him how impressed I was by it. H also bought a hanging basket of flowers for the porch. Like I said, it was all a very pleasant surprise. I wasn't even sure I would see him on Sunday. The kids and I usually spend the day at my parents after church. H called my parents and said he was home. So kids and I went there to spend time with him. It was very nice.

I hope H takes to heart some of the things we talked about tonight. I know he is confused by the feelings he has for OW and especially the OC. I just told him he needs to pray to God for help to overcome these feelings and to pray for help to get his life back on track. I hope he takes it to heart.

Talk to you all soon.
God Bless,
Kris

KrisM: how sweet and what a good sign that H bought you such a thoughtful gift! I think he is coming around!

Uh...no...communication is NOT my problem-TOO MUCH communication is my problem! I "never shut up" about things and H hates it------but I'm learning, we're BOTH still learning, it's a process. LOL My H is learning to be more sensitive to me and I am learning to choose my words more wisely and not repeat my self 5 times just to get a point across. You are right though, I do not have a problem being direct.

Where's Albany? She's usually around more.

I am glad to hear how things are looking up for most. It's quite a journey right?

We have our next therapist appointment for OC next week(next tues.)! oh yay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It will be all of us, me, H, OW & I guess OC! whoopee! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> whatever! I still start to feel nausious thinking about it but.......I know that we have done all we could and any "problems" OC has are not because of anything we are doing! So I know we have nothing to worry about.
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I am focusing on our summer plans and I plan on spending the summer camping w/ the ktbunch! I can't wait. H has agreed to spend all his weekdays off camping (Mon. afternoons to Thursday mornings, every 3 weeks). I think that it will be quite enjoyable! We have a nice and huge 3 room tent that has only been used ONCE! LOL and I found a great air mattress (one of those aerobeds)@ the thrift store for $9.95! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So we are set!

I can't wait to be out in the fresh air, under the stars! I hope this is a summer to remember! I think it will be!
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Did I ever tell you guys that Gary Smalley does these marriage seminars or something and he has said that of all the families that he has ever interviewed, the "thing" that the stronger marriages and famiies had in commom was that they go "camping" together on a regular basis! He said it was something about the "unpredictability"(enexpected circumstances & events that happen when you are camping) that encouraged the family bonds to grow stronger! So....some food for thought!
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Have a great day everyone! Keep the faith! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KTbunch--sorry to have not been around much--just been really busy glad to know that I don't bore you all too much and you all notice when I'm gone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Not much is happening--H has still been calling--he might take our son again to fly across state and visit his family again next week--his brother will be in town--hasn't seen him since he got back from pilot mission in Iraq two years ago almost.

Anyway I'm jealous he can go during the week with his schedule of four on four off--he is off during the week--I just want to go and be a part but can't because of work and heck who knows if we are even together. Told him that they should go if they can. He called again this morning after he got off of his last night of night shift. I'm not real sure why--I guess just to talk--but I listened and didn't ask why he called or push him in anyway--didn't want to make a flight risk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Still PA and 180ing it--don't know what else to do because pressuring him only makes it worse--I just try to live for me and do my own thing. I'm really wanting a vacation and wanting to get out and do something--it's not like I cand go away while the takes our son because I still have to go to that place we call work and a job.

So you guys think it is a good sign that he is calling all the time to chat??

Why do you guys think that he is calling??? Do you think he cares about us and the marriage still??

Gotta run

albany~

Glad to hear you had a good weekend and Mother's Day. Sounds as if you are staying on task with Plan A concepts. Of course he has been behaving more normally, so it makes it a little easier for you. Remember to keep doing what you're doing, even if he does some buttheaded behavior, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he can't do the pressure but I don't think I need anything re-affirmed as he is calling all the time--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I mean--even if he suddenly shows NO signs of affirmation, don't get swayed off course. Don't LB, and DO NOT ask for confirmation or reassurances.

BG~

I'm sorry your H was an a$$ on Mother's Day. I can understand your LBs. Also, the whole MIL thing is out of control. She definitely seems to be purposely trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. I hate to see it working. Do you have caller id, so you don't have to take her ridiculous late night, (if any), calls?

It sounds as if what you said about her and to her, was an LB to your H. I would try to make her a non-issue as much as possible, via not taking her calls, etc. It's difficult enough as it is to not LB. You don't need the topic of MIL too.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Guess I am back to the 180's for real, until I can plan B. I am sooooooo tired of all this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want you and albany, (and anyone else currently doing Plan A), to keep something in mind.:

You don't move to Plan B because you suck at Plan A.

Plan A has to be a beauty.

You move to Plan B because Plan A has failed to produce the desired outcome of your WS recommitting to the M, (among various other reasons), BUT not because you stunk at Plan A.

I know you know this, but remember, in case of an eventual Plan B, your H needs to be left with good memories. Need to leave him with the hope of coming back to something good. You want him to miss you during Plan B. If the last interactions he recalls are LBs and DJs up to his eyeballs, what's to miss and what's the incentive to come back?

<small>[ May 11, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you guys think that he is calling??? Do you think he cares about us and the marriage still??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are doing a good Plan A. You aren't pursuing him. You're not being clingy. You're not arguing. You're doing the opposite of what you've done in the past. He's wondering what's up...

I've always thought he cares about you and the M. He just has to come to that place on his own. No one can force him. Yet, the funny thing is, an efficient Plan A by you, is in a way forcing him...he just doesn't know it. See, YOU do have the ball...

Keep it up, albany--great job!

Oh, and another thing--keep busy with other stuff, to help keep your mind off him all the time. Try to keep your focus on other things--like your happiness! Being lighthearted and happy will be attractive to him, (talk about a side bonus, hey?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you guys think that he is calling??? Do you think he cares about us and the marriage still??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are doing a good Plan A. You aren't pursuing him. You're not being clingy. You're not arguing. You're doing the opposite of what you've done in the past. He's wondering what's up...

I've always thought he cares about you and the M. He just has to come to that place on his own. No one can force him. Yet, the funny thing is, an efficient Plan A by you, is in a way forcing him...he just doesn't know it. See, YOU do have the ball...

Keep it up, albany--great job!

Oh, and another thing--keep busy with other stuff, to help keep your mind off him all the time. Try to keep your focus on other things--like your happiness! Being lighthearted and happy will be attractive to him, (talk about a side bonus, hey?)

AD

Thanks!

Maybe he is beginning to eat out of my hand.
He called at 1:30 and said he was awake and couldn't sleep well and asked why I hadn't gone home from work early. This morning I had told him I probably would because my allergy's are really bad and I fell like s**t. He probably thought he could come over and share the bed.

Anyway I didn't act too interested so he said he would talk to me later in a deflated tone-well that's fine--I have had my share of being deflated.

I will let you all know what tonight brings.

You guys are all in my thoughts and prayers and I hope it all gets better for you soon but as I know it feels like it won't and then when it does it changes again all too fast.

Good-you're doing really good, albany. Stay strong.

Hope the allergies don't get you down too much either.

I apologize for the above double post. The site must've shut down or something right when I was trying to submit. I had a feeling it would double post. Now it won't let me delete one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sorry your H was an a$$ on Mother's Day. I can understand your LBs. Also, the whole MIL thing is out of control. She definitely seems to be purposely trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. I hate to see it working. Do you have caller id, so you don't have to take her ridiculous late night, (if any), calls?

It sounds as if what you said about her and to her, was an LB to your H. I would try to make her a non-issue as much as possible, via not taking her calls, etc. It's difficult enough as it is to not LB. You don't need the topic of MIL too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AD ~ Thanks for your reply. H's mummy has been a problem from day one, she has also been worse since this all happened as far as trying to break us up & convince her son that OW is better for him than me. I do have caller ID, so if she calls again, which I highly doubt I am not going to answer, I was so glad I got to say some of the things I wanted to her, & I just don't care anymore. Your right though I don't need this BS from her on top of everything else.

H came home last nite complaining about some porn tapes that were "missing". (I threw them out) other than that I was not going to say anything to him about anything, he knows I am lying, but I don't care about that either, it is not right but look at all the lies he has told me & continues to tell me. Anyhoo, I am doing the 180's. I didn't find out about Plan A until a couple of months ago so there was so much damage already done & so many aspects or our relationship that had changed & not for the better, now it is all routine, none of it to my advantage & H is not trying to change. So I feel 180's until I can Plan B is my only option.

H is beyond fog right now, & I am just done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I feel 180's until I can Plan B is my only option. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a plan.

You seem like a woman of much faith. HE will see you through. ((((((BabyGirl))))))

Thanks for the hug AD, my faith is not so solid these days, trying to give this all to God & let him handle it, but not doing so well.

I know I have done all I can though.

Albany - things are looking really good for you, I think AD is right on the money, he is pursuig you cuz you are doing a great Plan A!

Keep doing what cha doing girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good Morning to all !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Two more days then the weekend! We are in town this weekend some friends got M a cuple of mths ago and they are having a party so we will be at that. I have been in a mood lately and really don't know why. Too much on my plate I guess and I'm back to not sleeping. I've got to quit thinking about the worst things.
I really don't know why I do that but I do. When its good I worry about when its going to get bad. I'll just take the good day's and try not to worry about the bad days comming. Have a good day
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny

H was at our house yesterday when I got home. He was sleeping and he stayed until about 7:30 sleeping on couch and then he got up and we hung out a bit and then he went home to crash--he has meeting today for work.

I haven't a clue why he came to the house just to sleep on couch. Anyway I let it go and didn't say much. I basically went about my business doing normal stuff and took a bath and shower--helped me out with my allergies--I went to bed early 9:00pm and he said he would call today and come by after meeting at work.

Nothing else happening.

Glad hear it is going well Sunnydale.

BBYG--keep the faith and I would agree with doing a 180.

AD --thanks for all of the support.

So why did he come over just to sleep???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So why did he come over just to sleep???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say just to be near you, see what you were doing, make sure you had no company, since he obviously could have slept at home.

I think maybe too, he may be feeling like he wants to come home but because of either pride or more so knowing when he does come home there is a lot of work to be done to repair your M & he is not ready to do that, & you don't want him to, believe me, I know that is where most of our problems started, he came home before he was ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Try not to worry so much.

BBYG--coming to soon--I get that H came home before in November 2003 and it was too soon--we weren't strong enough to handle him unloading info. of OW with OC in December 2003.

Well it is a lot easier to PA and 180 when you have the ball in your hands--so I just need to keep it and relax a bit.

Yes, thank goodness it is Wednesday and the weekend is nearing once again and I'm looking forward to a four-day weekend at the end of the month.

Hope things get better for you BBYG--keep me posted you remain so strong and give such good support even though your life is full of such turmoil.

I honestly don't know how you do it.

okay girls,

I'm reading and finding that it is going to be a long ahrd road. I am not sure that I am up to the challenge. I am not sure that I want to go through this for an extended period of time.

I want to be happy and happy I am not. I want to live without the drama of an A in my face all the time. I want to be me again, and not this bear that I've turned out to be.

I'm tired of being sick and tired!

You are up to the challenge and you will do this for your M and your children--it is just a bad day and I believe in you--you will do think don't give up-fight for what you is yours, you believe, and what you love.

You have nothing to lose at this point by trying PA and 180 and really you have nothing to lose in trying PB if a good solid PA and 180 without LBing doesn't work.

Fight!! Dig deep into that soul of yours and ull out that strength that has made you who you are and as BBYG says God only gives us what we can handle.

Go out and do some things just for you and the kids--forget H right now live for you and see what kind of response you get from him.

JT I know how you feel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Somedays its all you think, cry, scream about. But look at the (no offence) "Oldies" and see that we all can get over this one way or another. Wheither we are M or God leads us down other roads. My 17 yr old is wanting to move home, my SIL wants to move in, My H OW is due in sept, my car was stolen, oh and my family just found out about the OC! WHAT ELSE could happen in my life. (I know my attorney loves me!) By the time all of this calms down I will be a nervious wreck or the strongest person there is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I don't really have time for a break down now, but I might have one when its calm. I too get sick of being tired and tired of being sick, but we will get though everything, and it will be as he (God) has planned it. I worry, becauce I let the devil take over, and then I calm down when I let God take over. But we are human and we are bad at trying to FIX everything. And fix it fast, is what I want. Over and done with! Go on to something else. I just want to wake up and not feel the A or OC or OW in my life, but guess what, I'll never forget about it. It may not be as vivid in my mind but it will always be there. Which it needs to be, God is teaching me something here, what, I'm tring to figure out, but he is. I better hurry up and get the message before something else happens, LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I only know what I feel and I feel like my family is what he wants me to cherish the most. My M should be the best it can be and my home is where (I guess) everyone wants to be. Since everyone wants to live there now! LOL I need a smaller house. My H is back home after almost a yr and he tells, shows, acts, and reminds me that he loves me. Almost everytime we talk. And we realize what we both want and miss about each other and why God brought us together. But I CAN NOT, WILL NOT let my memories and the thoughts of the A, OC or OW take that from me! And neither should anyone else here. Not saying its not hard, but thats why we are here, to hear others and get the support that we so need. God gave me the chance to try and help, love, and encougage today and to stop worring about things that are not. Thanks for listening again!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hope things get better for you BBYG--keep me posted you remain so strong and give such good support even though your life is full of such turmoil.

I honestly don't know how you do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Albany, I dont' either, most times by a "wing & a prayer" I guess. I think in a way talking with you ladies helps me to take my mind off my own mess, & it encourages my soul to try to encourage others. I sit here & smile at the updates that contain hope & I feel sad & I have shed a tear or two when the posts are not so hopeful & all seems lost. I think I have just come to the conclusion that my M is just about over, but I am so glad that God put in my spirit the ability to rejoice & hope & pray for others to overcome "this obstacle" in their M's & have a better M than ever. One that truly glorifies God!

JT, - hang in there girl, don't you give up, remember this is all still in the beginning stage, if you quit now you will always wonder what if???? And it is not just about you - your children need & deserve to have their father at home w/ you as God intended it to be if at all possible, WE ALL SIN & fall short of the glory of God, but you don't write a person off, as you already see this road is not going to be easy, you will have lots of ups, downs & all that goes in between, & no you will not find quick fix, believe me I have looked for one, but you have to try, there is too much at stake not to!

P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I needed to hear from each of you today. I have heard every word that you have told me and decided that I am not going to give up.

I watched dr. phil today if you did not see it look at it on the website. The woman in the marriage scared me in a way it was like looking in the mirror. I could not believe that someone could be so mean, yet at times it was me with my H. Yes there are two sided to every story, but to hear her I can remember all the hurtful outbursts that I would have.

But I will get better and I will go to counseling. I told my H lst night that I needed him to pick up the kids for me from relative care today. H was so excited he has only driven the kids twice ( without me in the car). H was so excited that he just called me at work to tell me he was on his way to pick them up.

He was like a kid in a candy store. I packed his own little diaper bag with everything that he'd need for them; He was just so happy. I had taken that from him for some time or better yet all there lives (2yrs). He is a good father, and they love him.

He asked me while on the phone where I was going and I told him I had a counseling session. He was glad. I asked him if he wanted to go and he said calmly that I needed to go first for some things then definately we were going to go as a married couple. I was amazed.

I think you all are right I must fight for my M then I will not have any regrets. I may still have some up days and down days , but I must try.

Thank you for reminding me again!!

JT