Thanks,

I just wanted to updste you girls on what happened last night. H came home at about 9 and relaxed and played with the kids. I did not answer the phone when he'd called earlier because just did not want to talk. I was also not feeling very well.

Anyway he came kids extatic to see him of course. I really just kept to myself the entire time. While giving the kids a bath my son started crying and just saying mommy don't say that to me - and I had only asked him to stand up but he was crying severely. I was confused and did not understand what was the matter with him he kept on repeating it and crying.

His daddy then told him to stop crying (from the other room)and he just got louder. I started to cry with him. Granted he is only two years old. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I did not know what to tell him but to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

But do I really believe that - I don't think I do!
It tears me up inside to see them hurting just as much as I am.

H then asked me what I wanted for mother's day and I said that I did not really care about it.
Then I could not help but to ask if he was getting everyone something for mother's day?
Meaning his ex-wife which is okay cause we don't have any problems with her and my stepson, and if he was getting OW something to? H got mad and left as usual.

I then called him and left a message on his cell stating that I wanted a Divorce. H called me back two seconds after and said why don't you stop calling me and telling me that and just do it - so I said okay.

I called this morning and made me an appointment for 7 this evening. I then called him and left another message sying that I'd made the appointment and was not going to continue to live like this.

I am Pooped and disgusted about this whole thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

JT,

Are you really sure you want to go ahead & file for a D? Have you tried Plan B? That would give you some time & H some time to see if you are both really done, plus you would not have the pain of seeing him if you can get someone to deal with your H as far as him seeing the kids.

According to what I have read here you should file for legal separation & set up CS for your children before OW does, but maybe pray over the D, it is so final & if you don't at least try Plan B you won't know if maybe you can still have a M w/ your H. It may take that to get him out of the fog, plus you get to "move on" in a sense without ending your M.

Don't you want to know for sure that you have done everything in power to help restore your M before you end it for good?

Does you H usually leave AFTER kids bath? That could be why the 2 yo became so upset w/o explanation, knowing daddy was going to leave.

Have you guys even tried counseling?

Why did you say that about the divorce? Is that what you REALLY want? Do you want your children to have only a part-time dad who they only get to "visit"? There are tons of things to consider here JT2.

I am not trying to make you feel bad but to get you to think rationally about this entire situation. Remember, we have all been there.

I have been to the point of no return, just to find out that there really IS hope and a way back. Why don't you tell your H that he's right, this is NOT what you really want but you feel so hopeless and like there is no other option but if there is any chance @ getting through this TOGETHER w/ your family intact that you are willing to hold onto it, take it and go for it.

If you really are. There are so many statistics against children being in a single parent home and I know, as a mother you would want what is BEST for your 2 children & an intact home is BEST for them so when you have no more fight left in you, bring out the mama bear instinct and FIGHT for your cubs!!!!

KT,

I don't want a divorce but I don't think that I can live through this agony. I am suppose to go see my new counselor, but I think that I'm going to go reshcedule it to go to a Women's Conference at a neighboring church.

So I'll write you later to see if my mind has been washed and renewed in the blood of the lamb. Having faith that this will allwork out is difficult for me because it means relinquishing control, but God has to be the one in control.

I'll be back later,

JT

Hey girls,

Okay today is a new day. The women's conference was really inspiring. The title for the conference was " Ladies in waiting ". They spoke on the topic of women giving birth to something great. It was definately what I needed to hear last nigth while I was at the end of my rope.

It was basically saying that women are on the rise today for the Lord. We women are catching so much from the devil right now because he has forseen the future and knows that God has already delivered us. They pointed out that the devil only works his hardest on women because we are the mothers and the bearers of the fruit of life. God has special plans for us and the devil will try everything in his power to destroy our faith.

They said that the devil has also seen that his time is drawing nigh and that he has only a short while to work on our spirit because God is about to deliver us from the pain and suffering the devil has inflicted on us. All we have to do is "Wait on the Lord".

Those were some powerful words but I chose then and there that I was listening to other people and trying to solve my problems all alone when I really should have been giving them to God and leaving them there. I would pray about my situation but then I'd try to come up with the answer to fix it / resolve the issue. That is probably and no doubt why I was not getting anywhere.

I have to give God my burdens of this marriage and trust that he knows what to do with it. I was reminded last night that my life has already been predestined according to God's word. I don't mean to sound like I am preaching by no means, but the words were so powerful. It was like I was the only person in the room hearing them. I cried all night long, yet I left with an inner peace. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

They reminded me that I have to turn my life and wrongful actions over to the Lord as well and leave them there for we all have sinned in some sort. I know that there are certain things that I definately would not want to come out. So who am I to be the judge and jury of my H.

I will cancel my appointment with my attorney today and just wait on the Lord to lead me wherever that may be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just had to share that with you girls, hoping that the words will touch each of you the same (I hope that I do not offend anyone, but I am a Christian and must pass on the word as I understand it).

Talk to you all soon,
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JT

I am so glad that you went to that conference.

The verse that I have LITERALLY been clinging to for the past 1&1/2 years is Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..."

thank you so much for sharing and keep the faith!

JT2 there is still hope for your marriage.

I hope you had a nice Mothers Day in spite of everything....

Prayers (constant) saved my mind! You are headed to a better direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

love
Debi

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

Thank you both for your support.

I did however let the devil get the best of me on Saturday night. I LB aout him not being home with me and the kids. We had my stepson this weekend and he did not even spend as much time with him as he should have - with none of the kids really.

But I continue to LB on Sunday morning, but not in a hateful way. I was just as cool and calm as I could be. H did not come to the house on Saturday night so I was infuriated because I woke up on Mother's day alone with the kids. They are to small to konw what the day was - they can barely talk.

As I was LB'ing my H yelled at me that he was trying to come home to be with me. He was mad last night(Sat) and did not want to argue with me all night long so he stayed at the hotel. I started to yell back at him that I should be the most important thing to him and he said " You Are - that's what I've been trying to tell you, but you just keep yelling at me for what I did wrong" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's like I can't stop it. But the arguement only lasted for about 10 minutes. I hung up the phone and about 30 minutes later my H came in the house. He gave the kids Fresh floral bouquet and a card to give me. Which my two yr old brought in with the one yr old toddling behind him.
H then gave me a beautiful sterling locket necklace with a beautiful satin box and mother bear from the jeweler's and a card that was beautiful. H then cooked breakfast for me and the rest of the family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It was great! I must remember to let it go and deal with each day as they come or I will lose my family and my mind!! It's easier said than done!

When H came home from work (our House) I went to the store. When I came back H had our son (2) outside with him cleaning the car. Stepson was inside the house watching the movie we were watching before I left. I parked the car and stood outside with my H and son. Baby was in the house asleep. So I then started shooting some hoops in our goal. H was surprised that I could play Basketball. His eyes lit up and he immediately came over to play. We ended up an hour later with all the kids outside playing basetball. We were outhere until 9:00pm shooting hoops. It was great!! It was a great Mother's day!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H took my stepson home and called me later to say that he really had a great day and I said that I did too. This morning I called just to say that I loved Him!! He told me that he loved me too so much!! Is there a future here girls? I think you're right.

All I have to do is remember to be polite and positive which is the hardest thing to do for me. I must let go of my pride and let him be a man.

keep you posted!

JT

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

JT,

The conference you attended sounded very powerful, wish I could have went! All the teachings you spoke of are so right on & we sometimes need those spiritual reminders to keep us in line. We always want to control the situation in our M, instead of letting God fight our battles. That is why it is so hard not to LB sometimes.

I am so glad your Mothers Day was beautiful.
Stay in plan A & let God do the rest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Not much time but HAD to tell ya I'm smiling about your day!

Love
Debi

I am sooo happy for you too! What a nice Mother's Day.

I am the same way, but I am learning to let it go and realize that my H already knows what I think so I don't have to keep repeating it. It's hard, I know. I tend to "over-communicate"!

Just take it slow, remember,..."be slow to anger..." I don't know the rest, but you get the idea!

Take care and keep the faith!

Thanks,

I will try to " be slow to anger". I definately overcommunicate my anger and unhappiness to him quite often so I must watch my words or better yet say nothing at all.

I have another question about SF. I asked H for it on yesterday he sounded excited and said sure, of course. H did not get to the house until about 11 I was in bed. I noticed that he didn't even come to wake me - he only checked on the kids and sat in front of the TV.

I got up to kiss him and say hello and he told me he was sick. I thought it was because he did not want to engage in SF. So I got angry and went back to bed. An hour later he came in to the room and ........

But there was no intimacy - no caressing - no kiss- no nothing. It was horrible to me. H said he was happy, was he in the same room or what?
Will the closeness ever come back? Why is it only on his terms when we can be close or affectionate. Does he wish he was with her?

I even thought of leaving for a few days, but when I do he'll swear I'm just trying to control him and the kids. No matter what I do good or bad it'll be against him - so he thinks.

Confused again!

About that SF.............

It is tricky @ first, to try to get past everything in that department or trying to compartmentalize it for the moment to allow yourself some pleasure amidst all the pain.

I noticed that if I somehow "perceived" that H wasn't "interested", I suddenly felt so hurt & rejected. It all seemed so personal now but never like that before.

Maybe H really felt sick but realized your need for him then when he was there, you both kind of "fed" off of each other's awkwardness making it more uncomfortable but yet H was still able to feel satisfied. I don't know.

My H has gallstones and sometimes has these gallstone attacks, well they are pre-dominantly @ night. (this is gonna sound sooooo stupid of me) but because of my over-active insecurity, I would get so angry @ him for getting these "attacks" because I felt somehow he was doing it on purpose to avoid SF w/ me. I felt that since he could avoid eating certain foods that could trigger them that he did not care enough about me to take care of himself and that he also did it on purpose to avoid being w/ me. The guy is writhing in unbelieveable pain (& could die!)and all I can think of is MYSELF!

I am not saying that is what you are doing but rather, sometimes our insecurity gets the best of us. My H lOVES for me to be the initiator for SF, he just absolutely LOVES it, in the past I was not this way. Now I have no problem w/ it BUT if I am initiating more than him than I start to feel insecure and unwanted too.

But through this all I have been open and honest w/ him (even if it wasn't always very nice and calm) and he was honest enough w/ me to tell me A) I was being downright ridiculous (like w/ the gallstones)B) to reassure me that he loves me and ALWAYS wants me.

I also was able to explain to him how sometimes I know, logically the things I might say or do might not make sense or are overreacting but this entire situation is illogical so it is sometimes hard to act rationally and for him also to be patient w/ me and not take things so personal either. This helped us both.

The only way we could do this was to know that this marriage is what we both want and to reassure each other that we were willing to do whatever it took to make it work. This takes more time for some than for others, it didn't happen overnight. We had to rebuild that trust for each other. I had to regain the trust for him that he was telling me the complete truth, and wanted to only be w/ me. He had to regain the trust for me that I was willing to forgive him and not leave him over this horrible situation that he caused.

On Sat. OW came to p/u OC for Mother's Day. She looked "different". She was actully dressed the way I usually dress (fitted low-rise jeans, fitted tank top, sun glasses) and I had never seen her look so attractive before. I was immediately bit by the "Insecurity Trigger Bug". I imagine that is what she looked like during A because H had told me "she looked different back then". So I got really irritated and started to LB a little but H didn't give into it and just kind of ignored me. Then I, coming back to my senses, went to my room to work it out on paper so i wouldn't take it out on him or the kids. I didn't even tell him. He called me back into the living room w/ him to watch tv. Realizing what was REALLY bothering me and knowing that it really had no bearing on our current lives, I went back and was just honest w/ H. I told him that I felt irritated seeing OW look so attractive and that I imagine that is how she looked during A and it triggered me and I didn't want to take it out on anyone unneccesarily. I didn't LB, I didn't pout, I was calm, I just told him, "Tell me again how sorry you are for all of this. And tell me how lucky you are because......" And he did. He recognized the moment for what it was, a sore spot--a minor trigger, treated it @ the moment, and then we were ok and went on to enjoy our evening.

BUT this takes time to get to that point AND a lot of letting go (& letting God, @ least for me). BUT you can and will get there. It's all a process. Even though we all have unique stories how is it that we can practically predict each other's "stages" in this? Because it is a natural human response and process. The only differences are what we use to find our comfort and strength.(I think anyways) But we all go through the same stages, some just faster and some slower. You will find your own healing timetable. You can't compare or measure it to someone else's.

Just look back to where you started and where you are right @ this moment. It might be at a bleaker place or it might be @ a better place but either way you are not in the same place. You are @ a different stage of the journey. We have to get to a worse place first because it is part of the process of passing through denial to acceptance, realizing and accepting that we have been wronged and are damn angry about it! Then we can move on to the next stage/phase.

I am getting tired and can't think too straight now and i don't know if I am being helpful or just unnecessarily longwinded and rambling but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

take your time, love your H, let him love you and relax. You can and will get through this. Let yourself enjoy your H. Live well, laugh AND love each other. Think of it this way, the time is passing, next year will come no matter what, so do we/you want to have spent the entire year missing out on something or living well? It's coming anyway so why not spend it well? Start now.

I hope this makes sense somehow. Good night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kt,

It did all makesince and I needed to hear it, because at the moment that you were writng this to me I was LB'ing big time on the phone with my H. I got angry because he came over only for about 45 min last night. He only came over because when he called to see what we were doing I told him that our son was waiting up for him and wanted to see him.

He came and played with him for awhile and then proceeded to leave; then it happened he told my son he would buy him a car if he did not cry. Well he is only two so of course that did the trick, but why should you even have to lie to him. You should be living in the home with him. All I hear is I'm coming home soon but no action is being taken. I think he is feeding off of me and my reactions. He keeps saying that I do not have a forgiving spirit which might be true. I can not let it go.

I pray and pray but nothing is happening. I feel if I don't tell him then he won't know just how disgusted I really am about the whole thing. I need to feel loved and wanted and that's not what I'm gettting from him, but I guess that's not what I'm giving either; It's so hard!!!

Have you explained to your H that you want and are forgiving him but the healing part is a process? I think forgiveness, like Love, is a choice and it is hard to remind ourselves everyday.

Yes, I can very easily (and justifyably) get very angry @ H for this situation, for being selfish, reckless and just plain STUPID! But it will help neither of us. I have however, explained to him that while I do love him, this is an extrememly devastating thing to go through and it takes time to heal from it. He has helped me heal by being understanding & patient. The situation is soooo unfair because sooo many innocent parties get hurt from it so it takes time.

Imagine it's like you were hit by a car. It might have even been an accident, the driver had the sun in their eyes and just didn't see you. You have all these injuries and even if you understand that the driver is sorry, you still are in a lot of pain. It takes months of physical therapy, casts, chiropractor appointments, dr visits & pain medications before you can feel like your ol' self again, if ever. You miss work, have to deal w/ dr. appointments, insurance companies, medical bills. It's not YOUR fault but you still have to deal with all of it while the driver still gets to drive around, sorry yes, but still able to enjoy their lives, no hassles, the insurance takes care of it all for them. Thier life happily goes on and you are still recovering!
*******
*******
Of course H and I have had some horrible blow outs from this and many times I have said (or screamed it hysterically actually) ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! And w/ great sorrow I figured we were over. But one of us would come to our senses and realize that the other was just overwhelmed and hurt @ the moment and that it wasn't what either of us wanted.

I lost so much weight, went on anti-depressants (which helped ALOT BTW). I think I was anorexic and I was a total wreck. Our kids were hurting. We had to struggle together. It doesn't mean that you are not a good person or even your H is not a good person. It means that you are normal and struggling, both of you.

I know your H deserves no pity or sympathy but they are hurting too. My H is so hurt by the pain that HE caused. He sees us hurting and KNOWS that he is the one responsible. He finds comfort (somewhat) in the children we have had AFTER the A and the life that we are living now. Knowing that he would not have had all of this and it was essentially up to me @ that point, and that I chose to let him back in my life and build this family and life WITH him. He's like, how can I ever ask for more than this? & looked what I risked!
********
********
If you feel uncontrollable then you might want to talk to your Dr. about ad's (if you haven't already). They do help you to think clearly and more rationally w/ everything going on. !JMHO! They helped me to feel "normal" and deal w/ things rationally instead of being cought up and overwhelmed in such turmoil that i could not tell which way was up! LOL It didn't make me "happy" or forget all about my problems but it helped me just be normal and not so crazy w/ the million thoughts running in my brain.

Also, trying to eat RIGHT. Your brain and emotions will be able to function better if your physical body is fed. I had just had a baby when we met OC and H told me the "complete truth" about A, so I went from pg 155-165 to 115 (normal weight 130-135) in a matter of weeks! I felt like I was wasting away and disappearing, just like my life!

You will be ok. And i bet your H would have offered that trade to your son no matter what he was crying for. It's a good sign, I think he doesn't want to tell son that he's out for good. And that he does care about your children that he came over to see them. Work on getting him back in your home.

My H & I were separated for 6 months intially and it was my choice. H felt so bad that he didn't even put much effort in @ first because he said he deserved nothing and was willing to accept whatever decision I made, I was thinking, "shouldn't you be trying a bit harder than that?" I still hold it against him that he didn't seem to "fight" for me! LOL

I look back in my journals and I still don't know how we made it through and my H said some of the same stupid stuff, "if you can't get over it then maybe we shouldn't get back together" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And that was @ 2-3 months, right before the holidays? WTHECK!!!!???
*********
*********
So anyway, hang in there, keep reminding yourself how much you love your H, want to be w/ him and how much your kids need him. Remind H too how much you love him and kids need him and you are willing to do this WITH him.

Do not give up!

KT,

I am going to try. I go to my counseling session tonight. I am going to try and get a grip on my life. I will start going to the gym again and working out. I will try to be the ebest that I can be. I am afraid of taking medication to help me, but I will talk to my Dr. about it when I go for my annual visit this month.

Please be patient with me I am battling with all of this I feel as though I am going circles.
I know what I should be doing yet, I do not have the will power or strength to do it fully and whole heartedly. I just feel lost or that my M is lost.

I feel as though H thinks OW is better than me. There I finally said it I feel insecure when it comes to her and what my H shared with her. it has consumed me. I don't know how to return to the strong person that I use to be. And I am afraid of not being loved genuinely by my H.

I am afraid if I don;t do something then he'll leave me!! Eventhough he states that he does love me!! I just don't know!!

I feel as though I am losing the battle and my faith that the battle is already won!

JT

I can support everyone else but can not get a grip on my own situation.

That's ok, that is why we are HERE! To give you the support you need. I completely understand and I don't mean to soudn like I am lecturing you, only trying to encourage you and give you ideas on things to do.

I ahve gone in a million circles which is why I can understand and offer suggestions now. I'm sorry if I soudned liek I was lecturing.

Who doens't feel insecure? HEllo? natural reaction/response! First thing--what did I do wrong? what did she have that I didn't? It doesn't relly matter. It will haunt you for awhile, yes. But eventually you can accept the fact that it doesn't matter if you were the worst hag in the world, H chose it, he went against his vows-------it doens't matter!

It was all about HIM not about you, not about OW, all about HIM---selfish HIM, him BEING selfish and loving himself more @ that moment than you, his kids, or OW! Caring ONLY about HIMSELF!!!!!! That's the truth. It's a hard cold truth but true none the less.

Allow yourself to have all these emotions and then just realize that that's all they are--emotions and they change everyday. We don't have to base our lifes decisions on them.

It's ok to be down, feel insecure, your life is unstable right now, your foudnation has been torn right out from under you, of course you will feel this way--------but it won't be forever.

ANd although you FEEL very weak, the truth is that you are strong. We all have to be to survive something like this! No one could be weak and survive this. My strength comes from Jesus Christ, as does your and he provides the strength that we need. He helps us find it within ourselves so that we can conitnue on this journey and he is right there with us! ALL the way!

You will be ok and you will feel stronger again and be able to look back and realize all the strength you must have had to go through something like this and come out on the other side!

Gotta run now. Keep the faith and don't give up and don't be too hard on yourself. You are allowed a lot during this time and no one would fault you acting any other way.

I think we'd be worried if you NEVER LB during something like this and if you DID think you could do it all! LOL

Take care.

KT,

You are so helpful to me on a daily basis. I look forward to hearing from you almost everyday, as well as the other girls. All of you inspire me to be the best that I can be eventhough this is a hard time for me right now. I am grateful that I have someone to turn to. i don't know where I would be with out this site.

I have been able to talk to people who know just what is going on and who have been in the same situations as I have. I thank you.

My counseling session went very well on the other night. I left feeling so peacful. It was great. my H had a wonderful time with the kids he was so happy to be able to have them. H had dinner ready and wating for me when I got home. It was great.

I still feel very upset and negative toward him but am trying not to show my anger. I must try and get my life in order for myself and my kids. I will turn my life back to God completely, and let him be my guide. I am not doing a good job of leading myself so I must give it back to him. Besides everything that I've tried is not working for me and my kids so I need to do something different.

JT

JT,

That is the best thing you can do right now, instead of asking God to change your H, ask him to change you first! (I am working on that one too, it ain't easy).

I am glad you had a good counseling session, letting God lead you is the only way to do, read the last post in BBG & Albany update, it talks about waiting on GOD, oh if only we could buy patience, but since we can't we have to wait be still & let God fight our battles, in the mean time though we can do all we can for ourselves so that our mental & spritual to be healed & restored.

BBG,

Thanks for the encouraging words and I will try to keep the faith and let God lead me to where he wants me to be. I know he holds all the answers and I must trust him and his plan for my life.

Talk to you later,

JT