BBYG,

No H is out of the house because I put him out when I found out about the A. No I became enraged during a couple of arguments and got physical with him in front of our children. He claims he is not home only because he wants us not to do that in front of the kids. H says he want to be home.

He wants NC and understands my position on that H claims he would never put OW/OC before anyone in our family. H does not want anything else to do with her according to him. But I am having a hard time believing him. I can depend on him for almost everything right now - and he does it. He is just not at home.

I can't let the anger go, I yell and scream at him almost everyday, and it's killing me. He says that it is killing him and he does not want to live with it thrown up in his face every minute of the day which really is what I do.

I am not making excuses I just want to be honest so I can get the best help, for whatever the problem is. It is almost seeming like the problem is me - Doesn't it?

Help?

JT

JT2: right now, today, YES, I think the problem is you.

Before it was H cheating, now it is you.

So what are you going to do about it? Since you know the problem, taking responsibility for it also means you control it and have the power to change it.

I think you need some individual counseling to clear some things up within yourself that you are struggling w/. Also the 2 of you obviously need marriage counseling to learn to develop some better boundaries for yourselves towards each other and to be able to learn the tools to communicate effectively w/ each other.

I would also make an appointment w/ a Dr. right away to talk about how out of control you feel and possible medication for it.

I am not a dr but speak from personal experience. An anti-depressant will not take your problems away, it will not automatically make you 'happy'. It will make you feel more balanced, give you some emotional stability and allow you to think clearly and rationally. This might be what you need to jump start the healing process for yourself. It can help you to be more self-controlled and less impulsive. It will also slow down all those thoughts running rampant in your head.

Some medication w/a balanced approach w/ some counseling will help you get back on track.

I am really starting to worry about you honey.

What else are you so angry about?

Your H really sounds like he's trying. You sound like a trainwreck waiting to happen. You know it's coming and you just can't stop yourself neither can you look away.

It does not mean you are a failure. It means you have experienced something terrible and you just don't know what to do. We have all been there.

Some medication may be what helps you to regain control of your emotions and that can be a starting point.

Do you have access to the private board yet? Have you requested it or tried lately?

PS: I appreciate your honesty but I think there is MORE here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

KT,

I will make an appointment with my doctor this month (June) for my annual visit and discuss the situation with her then. I have not tried to get on the private board. What do I need to do and will I be able to talk to you girls there? Is it more on hands?

I think that I have been through just too many losses in the past three years that I am creating some new issues for myself.

Gotta Go,
Talk to you later this evening,

JT

You just email Tempest and then wait..patiently..& then keep trying to access it until you do.

I only suggested the private board thinking you might feel more comfortable sharing more over there since it is not open to the public but members only, so no "lurking".

I am thinking of you.

I know this is hard.

Right after we began C w/ OC, I had baby #3. I was probably about 150-155 while pg (had a very hard time gaining weight, so stressed out) then after she was born, my weight plummeted to about 115, in about 2 months. My pre-pg weight was 136.

I felt like I was dying inside & everyone just kept telling me I "looked great". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I was a total wreck & trying to care for a new born and juggle my personal life & all these major issues. Many ups & way downs. I thought I was going crazy, (well, I probably was actually). When baby #3 was a few months old, I finally started ad's.

Finally, some stability & normalness in my life again. Yes, pain, anger and sadness were still there, but no more 'out-of-control' feelings, and I started to recognize some happiness, joy & hope in my life too.

Hang in there.

Have a good weekend.

JT, KT is right. You have got to get past the anger part. Its not easy, but you can. If I can you can. And YES I was angry, hurt, the lowest you can ever feel is now. As w/ all of the newbies. But the AD are good for some. You have to find the right one for your body. I can't tell which one to take, but your doc can. tell DR how your body does w/ other meds. I do the opposite alot of the time. You may only need something for the times your upset, that's what I take. Its adivan, but its like a code 4. So I don't want to get hooked on it, so I only take it when I feel like I can't breath and my body does the shake thing. But talk to the doc. And talk to a counceler. Check w/ your insurance. Alot of them will pay for it. You have to start learing to get past the A if you want your M to work. You can't talk about it everyday, this will make you angry. Do you want to forgive your H and save your M ? If I'm not mistaken read thru Timothy, I think this is where my bible study was on forgiveness. I'll look it up tonight and write some of it down. Just remember, today starts your life all over and you are the only one that can make that change w/ Gods help, your heart can become whole again. Praying for you and call your Dr if its going to be awile before you go.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Had a great weekend--talked to H mid-morning Friday and then that was it--no cell service at all for where we were.

Talked to him mid-morning Monday and he was a jerk. All pissed off anf yelled at me for not calling because he couldn't get a hold of us and he was concerned about US didn't say our son said US--I explained we had no service and where out in the middle of a cow pasture and that if we would have had an emergency we would of borrowed a landline phone from somewhere.

SO he was worried all weekend my Dad said and my Dad told him they will call when they have reception and not hearing from them means that it is all okay. Although you know he could go without contact according to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

HE came over in the evening and we talked I asked him to fix my car while I was gone and he did. He then went out to our shop and got some meat out of the freezer. He said he was hungry and I said oh you are taking it home to cook and he said actually I was going to BBQ it here (our house). He asked if I had any potatoes and I said yes what kind do you want--he didn't know I said well I want mashed--so I made mashed we ate dinner had a good time etc.

He went home after awhile and I said I love and he said okay--I decided that is the last time I'm telling him. Before I left he made the comment I tell him too much and it isn't in the 180's to tell him--shame on me.

He called me about 1/2 hour after he left and said what do you want and he said I forgot to tell you that I bought the first season of Northern Exposure--okay we loved N.E. and watched all the time during college together while we lived together. OKAY, why did he share that with me??? He is done why is he calling, sharing trival stuff, eating dinner with us, and freaking out when he doesn't hear from me on Sat. and Sun.???--only two days.

I don't want to PB but it may be time. Also, last night he referred to several things as we and us--but we aren't together remember. He got me a case of dessert wine from 1999 from the building that my DAD and him are tearing down--use to be beer distributor. I asked where the sixth bottle was from the case and he said I took it and I said oh for you and he said no I put it in the fridge for you. Why all these things for me if you are done????

WHY??? I'm so tried of words and actions not matching!!!!

Reading more of the PRoper care and feeding of H's---really good but I'm worried that it is too late and that I won't get a chance to do the things I have learned from book.

Oh yes I also left him amessage yesterday before he came over and said I have done all I can do right now, I loved you and told you that I would stand beside you in this, and I'm sorry I don't make you happy but I have done all I can do right now. It seemed to shock him--I just want to GIVE UP--I'm whipped and it has been a very long time since I got any loving in return. So I'm seriously considering throwing in the towel. I'm exhausted and he is wearing me out--the only thing I can think of is to ignore him and just live for me but that is hard because I don't want us to be done and I want my family back.

KT,Sunny,

Thank you both for your support. I can't fight it any longer I need some help with this pain. I am not letting it go. I am harboring it like it is part of me. I sometimes feel like it is all I have. I don't want to be this person anymore, but I don't know how to change her. I have been brought to this by all the things that have gone wrong in my M.

Does that mean that this M is not healthy for me. It has turned me insided out. Actually I think this happened even before I got M. I don't know anymore. I wish sometimes it would just all go away. I don't know how that it can at this point.

I have an appointment with my doctor in July. I guess I will talk to her about it then. I am so ashamed that I really don't want to talk about it with anyone. I feel like such a failure until it is unreal.

I just want to have some peace in my life and don't see that happening - at all!

JT

I think you need to call and go now. Don't spend the time you have w/ your children and H being an angry person they will remember that. They want to see mom happy, smiling, and enjoying life like God intended you to do. July is too far away, just think if you call or go in now then you can start getting on w/ your life. Also if you have small ones it my be the post pardum depression. I had a GF who had it until her child w/ almost in school!!! You sound so unhappy and so wanting to make a change for your life. So please call the dr and see if they will call in something until your visit or go early. Tell the dr the way you are feeling!!!! No your not crazy (what I thought about me) no your not a bad person, no you are not weak. You are a strong, beautiful, and carring wife and mother. Thats what is on the inside. Quit letting the devil make you think your not. Thats all it is, you have let him, like I have so many times, take over, But he's not strong enough to stay if you want to change. Tell him (the devil) to leave you and your family and your home. Tell him that this family and body belongs to God and there is no room for doubt!!! Come on make the decision to start your life and M over today!!! Believe me it is worth it!!.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

JT2~

I agree with Sunnydale--you need to get in now--you can see a primary physician about this--don't wait--you will feel better if you get meds. I would also suggest IC for you to deal with all this anger--because until you deal with I don't see M going anywhere.

I myself may be going back to IC because I have recently became very mad that H came back when he knew OW was w/OC and that he promised he was here with me and son and we would get throught it together and then he left again--I 'm mad because he should have never came back if he was going to run again--no one forced him back.

Check w/ your insurance if they have a separate mental health department. You will be able to get an earlier appointment.

And/or tell the appointment setters that you are SICK & then you also will not have to wait so long to speak w/ Dr. They usually have urgent care for same day visits or you can get in in a few days.

They probably scheduled you for July thinking it was jsut a regular well-check-up.

Hang in there JT2. Just a little longer.

You have to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour.

You can do it, you are stronger than you think, really.

And maybe you have failed in some ways but you will only remain a failure if you do not learn from your mistakes & give up. I know you can get up & make changes that will turn things around for yourself, your family & your marriage.

Sunny,

Thank You! I 'll keep you posted; calling Dr. now. I hope that it helps. Sunny it seems as if you know exactly how I am feeling. I use to be so fun loving and happy. Now all I wake up with is doubt about where my life is right now. I feel like I am lost constantly. I know that I am probably looking at too much TV and reality shows thinking that my M should be as a fairytale. I don't remember any of this happening to cinderella, or sleeping beauty.

I need so much and seem to be getting nothing.

JT

KT~

I just wanted to say I think that you give great advice and YOU are a great support to all of us.

To you have any thoughts for me? I hope I can implement some things from Proper Care book and still 180/PA right now. But as I said I'm about to give him because my heart is really beginning to ache and the mixed signal from H are hard. I think maybe he is getting stressed with her being due soon.

Anyway let me know what you think--I really respect what you had to say to JT2 and I'm really trying to focus on me--I try to interpret his behavior too much I think sometimes.

JT,

I agree w/ all the comments posted here but especially this one by Sunny </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quit letting the devil make you think your not. Thats all it is, you have let him, like I have so many times, take over, But he's not strong enough to stay if you want to change. Tell him (the devil) to leave you and your family and your home. Tell him that this family and body belongs to God and there is no room for doubt!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe w/ all my heart that the enemy uses this situation in our lives to change us & make us behave in ugly ways, anger is one of his tools, remember he comes to steal, kill & destoy, that anger can steal your joy, kill the love your H has for you, & ultimately destroy you!

I felt anger throughout this situation too, & still do on occassion but you have to put it in check. Please get to a dr. a.s.a.p. your babies need you, dont' let this situation overwhelm you & take over your life, anger will turn into bitterness & eat you alive if you let it, - don't.

okay JT2 you just summed up how I'm feeling exactly.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank You! I 'll keep you posted; calling Dr. now. I hope that it helps. Sunny it seems as if you know exactly how I am feeling. I use to be so fun loving and happy. Now all I wake up with is doubt about where my life is right now. I feel like I am lost constantly. I know that I am probably looking at too much TV and reality shows thinking that my M should be as a fairytale. I don't remember any of this happening to cinderella, or sleeping beauty.

I need so much and seem to be getting nothing.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep thinking to myself you didn't ask for this or have complete control over this and look what you have been dealt--why can't I just have a life like everyone else??

JT, we both are due at the same time, we found out about the same time and 1-04 was our reconceilation date. I felt as you do and I have had a bad M since about 2001. If I felt this convicted then, then the A wouldn't have happened. No not right he had one, can't say I didn't want to have one. We hated each other, our life, and our relationship. We have soooo many material things, a D should have been cut and dry, we had 2 or three of everything. More than most of our friends and family. God had blessed us well. But we started to rely on the worldly things instead of the lord. So he really opened both of our eyes to what he wanted us to see!!! We are lucky, we didn't loose anything in the learning process. He got it before we had to hit the bottom. Before we lost the cars, cabin, house, boat, and all the toys. God showed us in a year what meant what and where it needed to be on the importance ladder. I hope and pray everyone here will do the same. But you albany and BBG I feel really close to. God brought us here to help one another and hold one another and the new ones to come. Don't give up, I don't think God wants anyone to give up on their M. He said to death do you part, and that is what he means. And hes the only one that knows when its your turn or you H turn. Could be today or tomorrow or who knows, so did you tell him, even though your mad at him, that you love him? Just something to think about. Change comes from within, and its better to let God change that, than the devil take over. Can't say it isn't easier for us to let the devil take over, than just trusting God.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Thanks Sunnydale

I'm taking opposite approach w/H--he said I tell him too much right now--almost like I'm too easy. Our M has been difficult also and I think that H thought having a child would help us but it only made life more difficult. Right now Sunnydale you are giving me hope by seeing your relationship change and turn around.

KT-one thing I really related to with the Proper Care book is giving H time to unwind after work etc. and not also ask what he is thinking etc--kind of nagging and then dumping allmy stuff on him and one thing he mentioned to me last year when we were sep. is that he vents to me and I always try to solve it and that isn't necessarily what he wants--just wants me to listen--no feedback wanted.

Like I said great book--but I'm afraid it is too late.


AD~how are you??? nothing new except words and actions not matching.

Sunny,

I feel the same way you do.. I don't know if I could do this alone snymore. I depend on you guys so much for support. Each of you mean so much because you help me in so many different ways.

I have no family to lean on about this situation and am glad that I am not alone. We too have put God on the back burner in our lives and I think this is my wake up call. I must not turn away from him I would definately not want him to turn away from me. I must refocus my life and try to make him happy. It is so hard not knowing where my future is headed in my M.

I will try to be strong, but I feel as though I am going in circles.

JT

Yah I got that from the book too. A good reminder.

Also, not to rely on H to be OUR therapists either, or our 'girlfriends'. LOL

How was your weekend? I thought it was interesting that you had this weekend AWAY from H and first thing......is back to the stress & madness of H.

How did it feel being away from him, away from home? Was it relief? Were you worried the entire time about him? Did you spend the entire time trying to analyze his behavior? GO over every owrd and inflection of each syllable and try to decipher each and every thing and then compare what he says to how he acts and then, end up more confused & miserable?

How about letting up a bit on trying to 'figure H out' and focusing inward. The book is a good start. Focus on how you are going to chagne to be the best person you can be, given the circumstances.

Yes, take responsibility for the areas you might be responsible for and then let the rest go.


I want to write more but gotta run. I'll try to get back alter but think about that for now.

Thanks KT

How was your weekend?
My weekend was great.

I thought it was interesting that you had this weekend AWAY from H and first thing......is back to the stress & madness of H.

How did it feel being away from him, away from home?

I thought alot about the good times we have had camping so it made me think back and then it made me sad to see where we are.

Was it relief?

Yes, was a relief in a way not to hear from him because I didn't have to be reminded of it all just by hearing his voice.

Were you worried the entire time about him? Did you spend the entire time trying to analyze his behavior?

No I did not because I was away.

GO over every owrd and inflection of each syllable and try to decipher each and every thing and then compare what he says to how he acts and then, end up more confused & miserable?

Now that I'm back I go over every word and action and try to figure out why they don't always match--when I was away I didn't have to do that because I had not words or interaction with him.

Yes, I'm taking the approach of working on me things and hoping he might notice and I'm kind of trying to ignore him. I'm just afraid it is too late for the changes. Maybe it will wake him up when he sees me living for me.

I haven't talked to him today--didn't call him but I'm sure he will call--funny that he calls everyday but he is done.

It is just annoying that if I pull away he steps in closer and if I step up to match him then he pulls away.

Personally I don't think he could handle PB and that is why I'm giving it some thought again.

Love to hear more from you KT. Do you think that by holding on right now I'm destroying some of my love for him.

Maybe I should give up. I have tried and obviously me saying I will stick it out even after all this doesn't seem to mean anything to him.

Albany,

It's sounds like everything is going pretty good for you. H can't take it when you are not chasing him can he? It is a shame that we have to play these games with them, but then again they act like children don't they. So games is what they like to play.

I hope he comes to his senses soon as realize that he is M to a wonderful woman and has a beautiful family (or at least from what I can tell - you are not a serial killer are you?).

Take things as they come - I guess is what I'd like to say - can't really give any advice just want to support you in this as well.

JT