Luv,

I agree w/ JT, not sure what can be done about visitation w/ the baby being so young, my thought is your H won't miss that much, I thought this about my situation too, if H's feel the need to see OC everyday they should live w/ OW, (mind did of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ) Maybe something can be worked out at 6 months so the baby can visit at your house. OW probably won't like that but oh well. Is DNA going to be done & CS set up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What state are you in? Maybe we can team up and leave together. LOL. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm in upstate NY, where do you want to go & when do you want to leave????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Casey - </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry if I seem naiive about the situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are naiive about all this, I won't say all but MOST women who have affairs w/ married men & get pregnant, don't do it for the sake of having a baby - THEY WANT THE MAN, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE HUSBAND ALREADY!! They don't want any part of the wife who is now the step mother to the baby, they hope, wish & desparately want the wife to fall of the face of the earth & the kids too if there are any. That is usually the way these situations work.

Luv,

I do not think the baby is too young at any age unless she is breastfeeding. You can take care of the baby just as good as she can and probably better. My husband said other woman will allow him to take baby with him. He just will not tell her that he is letting me spend time with the baby. I think you should fight for parental rights. Has she done anything that you can use against her? I am lucky that my other woman relapsed on drugs. Of course the baby has not been born yet. I hope this does not cause the baby to be born disabled. She is probably about 6 months pregnant.

OK LUV & BBG if you get an apartment you better find one big enough for all of us! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The contact thing is a big thing. H said he wouldn't go if I wasn't there. Lets wait and see. (I'll pack his bag for him before hand.) I think in order to do contact there has to be rules set. I will not do the H go see the OW and OC at her home. SORRY ! My body (mostly my mind) will not do this. I would be a crazy bug for 2 hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I''m the step mom, my H is w/ me and therefore the baby will come to our home when its old enough. We have talked about visiting at her dads w/o her and me & H be w/ her parents. I don't know how that will work. Just an idea. But I/m sorry if they can be put in daycare at 6 weeks for 8-10 hours, OC can come to my home. I am CPR cert w/ children first aid. Had a state cert daycare in my home for 4 YRS. Please tell me I am not qualified to look after your child for 4-5 hours. Not. If it can go to day care it can come to my home w/o the ow standing there!! So what if they hate us, oh well, shouldn't have put me here. Stand your ground on contact is all I've seen here and once you let them step off of it, your sinking down stream!!! I beleive this w/ all my heart. I know in order to do contact you and H have to be a team! Not H and OW. Sorry it may have their DNA, but there are two seperate families this child belongs to. OW who have children w/ MM who are making their marriage work should except this. Except the fact they are a booty call and incurbator for a child who did not ask to be here. OK that was kinda mean but the truth is thats all most of them are. Yes most men are dogs and yes they lie, but when
they wake up from the FUN of being it, they realize that we are not the B's they made most of us out to be, and know where they want and need to be. I have read on the other site and they know this. Not all are that way but we are talking about the STOW's. They know and we know that the WS have lied. They can't think they are the only one not being lied to. So live w/ the fact of what you are is what you are and I am the wife and now made step mom, sorry I have rights too. Gotta to work for a min be back.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW who have children w/ MM who are making their marriage work should except this. Except the fact they are a booty call and incurbator for a child who did not ask to be here. OK that was kinda mean but the truth is thats all most of them are. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mean- to who? Simple truth is all that is! What is mean is these tricks getting pg. for MM on purpose hoping to destroy the M, not just mean EVIL in its purest form.

Luv, listen to Sunny - don't tolerate H visiting OW to see OC, get it straight now.

Well ok the truth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Not all are like that, but I don't really think too many of them want C, if it cant be just their way. Sorry, I couldn't control the lies and A, OW could (say no to booty) but my family I can control and will. Like my mom said ok you can invite them in but you don't have to offer them a glass of tea. Shes old southern thang. To her that was an insult, you can come in, and I will be polite, but I don't have to over extend myself. I will work w/the OW on the visitations, but I and H have a right to have this (HIS) child in our home w/ our family. Thats what we are is a family, a stronger than ever family and the OC will grow up knowing this. The (our) OW is a single mom and the OC will grow up knowing this. It will feel the family togetherness at my home and it will know that "mom" loves them but is not part of our family, but he is. Thats the way, if your M is surviving it has to be. If this child learns negativity it will be from mom, not step mom. The OC needs to see how strong u & H are together and know (if u have C) that thats the way it is. You mess up, you forgive, you learn from it, you make the best of it, and in the long run God will bless you for it. I don't plan a C being my way or no way, but like I said its has to be a three way. Ok she doesn't want he C to come to your home, go somewhere else. Let her go shopping, see if ya'll can keep the OC if she runs errands. Try and make her feel comfortable leaving her child. She doesn't know how you will react to being w/ this child, ect. I know we are not to care about her feeling after all the OW has done, but still she is a mom and has harmones like you/we do. And yes some of the very first conversations may have made her think we would not watch or care for her child. 2 cents again.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Luv,

If you don't stand your ground now, you may not be able to regain it later with your H. He may take you for a joke later on if you allow certain things to go on now. H may think that he can do just what he wants and you'll vry but in the end he believes taht you'll be there.

Don't allow him to do what he wants - he's already done that to you twice now.

You must stan up for yourself.

JT

Hi Luv,

Please run to your counselor for advise on how to handle this other woman. She has manipulated your husband and he in turn has manipulated you. I think maybe if he could stay away from the baby for a week then she would become desparate and realize how hard it is too care for the baby by herself. Then maybe she would be more open to allowing your husband to bring the baby to your home. Your husband needs to hold his ground. Please tell your husband that you thought you could handle the visits at the other woman's house but that it is just too hard for you. Ask him to consider staying away from her for awhile so that you can have leverage as a couple. Tell him that you really want to be a step mom to the child but in your own home. That you think if she is left alone with the baby for a bit that she might need help with babysitting but on your terms not hers. Tell your husband if he cannot support you on this then you will have to continue your plans to move out.

I just read through everything on my lunch break and have had to control myself as to not cry at work. It is hard to know where to start, but I believe the only person who can judge yourself and what you need to do about your relationship is YOU. However that said I have a few observations.

First, it appears that the OW is trying to get your husband. Now it is about emotional connections, later it will likely be about sex. She is competiting with you and your husband is allowing the competition to exist. He is the only one who can stop it.

Second, I believe that the only contact that is acceptable is joint contact. On an earlier post you had stated this. You both can visit the baby or the baby can visit you.

Third, your husband, as far as can be discerned from your postings (which are admittedly biased since we only have your perspective—not to say that you distort anything, just that we only have one side of the story. It would be nice if he posted to give us some insight into what he is thinking. It would probably help him understand what he is thinking) I believe that he has not made up his mind about choosing between you and her. He is obviously choosing now not to be faithful to you and committed to you. He will not agree to be honest or met very reasonable demands of joint contact if there is any contact. Unless you are willing to agree to polygamous marriage with him, you may need to force him to make a choice. By him being dishonest and making contact without you then he is putting off the choice and drifting over to choosing to be with the OW.

August,

Good to hear from you and thanks for your response. What you wrote hit home for me.

I too believe OW is trying to get to H through the child. She wants my life and she want's it with my H. She sees what we have and wants it for herself. Even my SIL said that. I think H is too blind to see it. For some reason he gives her a ton of credit.

I keep telling him that he is allowing this competition between OW and me to continue (Steve H. said it too) but H does not agree. He said I am the one that puts me in comp. with OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that he has not made up his mind about choosing between you and her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These words scare the death out of me. God, I hope he is not fence sitting between the two of us again. I am on the fence regarding us and D, based on this situation. However, I hope he is not considering her or me. I hope you are wrong on this one. God, please. I can't go through all that again.

I will tell you that he has gotten a bit better. He is telling me when he is going over, and he stays for only as long as we have agreed. He has arrived home in a timely manner. I am not saying that I like this situation. However, I am the one that put the idea of him seeing the baby everyday for only 1-2 hours out there. Before he was going for as long as he wanted, everyday. I figured, if I could put a limit on the time, I could deal with the days. I am finding that is not the case, I still find it difficult.

I would love to get him to post but I don't think he will. He read some of the posts when we first found out about OC and thought we all just complained and argued with each other. I know there can be some posts where we don't agree but all in all I think this is a very helpful and friendly site. I found this to be true in this post. Even when I changed my mind about leaving, no one was disappointed in me or put me down. They just encouraged me and said a prayer. I thank God for this site.
He did not go there last night and I felt so relaxed and happy. He stroked my hair and my face as I laid on his lap watching tv (I actually feel asleep). He held me so very tight when we went to bed. I felt loved and cared for. Now I wonder if it's a game, if he is back on the fence.

Another thought that I have is that a birthing process is very emotional and people do not always behave their best under stressful conditions. I remember when my daughter my wife and I were not getting along. My daughter almost died and some of things I did I am amazed that I behaved so well and other times it is hard to believe I was so selfish (nothing close to an affair, but not being the person I thought I was). Some of that craziness associated with a stressful event like a birth (especially with a woman you had an affair with and having to handle the emotional condition of your wife that you have treated like a heal) can hamper the judgment of some people. Now that the birth is past and things start to settle down and you all can think clearly is when the real decisions should start to count.

I would think that now is the time for your husband to clearly reaffirm his choice and put your and his marriage’s needs over the OW. The appropriate choice for the OW is she gets to deal with you and your husband or neither.


Obviously I have no first hand experience with your situation and could be wrong, but the impression I got from reading all six pages of postings at once and remembering your earlier postings is that your husband has not decided to actually live with his choice of you and your family. Maybe he had mentally and emotional said to himself that he is with you forever and not her, but his actions leave room for doubt. He may not be making conscious decisions, but they are decisions none the less. All that written, you are the best judge. The one thing I have learned through all this is to trust my gut and my intuition, only you can make those choices.

Hello everyone,
Last week and this weekend went pretty well. He did not go over on Thursday or Friday or yesterday. She actually called him sometime Fri. to ask if he was going to come over. Then we he went over on Saturday, sbe gave him a hard time. Said, I guess all you are going to do is stop in when it's convienent for you and hold her for an hour. He said that he explained that he has another family to care for too.

Last night he dropped another bomb on me. His parents are coming down this weekend but it's to see the baby. (It's also my 38 birthday, yippie <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> what a great way to spend it). They are going over to her place to visit the baby. They even bought the baby some cloths. I asked if the cloths were for him or were they going to OW's place. He said that it does not matter, it's for the baby not her and he can't control what his parents do with their money. He said that I need to separate the two (her and the baby). I told him that when we were separated they never brought clothes/toys to me for their grandkids. I see it the same. He said it did not matter then because they got the kids stuff and gave it to him but some of it would eventually end up with me. Not completely true and I don't see how it's the same.

I am feeling hopeless again. It's like no one understands. I feel like I am on the oustide looking in. Like I am the insane one.

He said that I want to control everyone and everything and I can't so it drives me crazy. He said that his parents will do what they want, it's their gandchild. He can't tell them not to see her because it would upset me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Honestly, I don't see why not. I made a comment that I guess they want to see their other daughter-in-law. He went off, saying that I wam acting like a baby. Probably so but it's how I feel, like there are two of us. Last I checked we were not Mormons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

He says that they don't do it to hurt me and that I think eveyone is out to get me. He also said that his father told him that he was going to get a rash of S*** from me over this. My thought, if you thought that then you knew it was not a nice thing to do. Right?

I can just imagine how his mother would feel if I decided to contact her OW because I wanted to get to know her or something.

He has said some nice things and has done a few of the things that I want/need. However, I still feel like he does not get it.

He said that I need to accept it and move on. If I don't then this will continue to eat me alive. He said that he stopped being mad because it was eating him up. He figured it was better for him to fogive and move on. I told him I guess it's just more difficult for me because I feel like everything that is being done keeps the hurt there and keeps the two lives going. He said that is in my mind and it's not what is happening. He said he does not want two lives.

I am thinking that I need to get out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />