JT2's update site

Hi,

Thanks for the update site. I was very angry this morning and I just don't know where to start. I will keep posting for I have no one else to talk to, and you girls have become my lifeline! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I only know that I can not live like this any longer. I have called the Dr. and go next week for some AD's. I can not even think ratonally. This has totally consumed my life. All I do is think about it and how I can not breathe without worrying about it. I feel as though my marriage is over and there really is no hope of reconciling. I see no future. I am repeating bad behavior and each time it gets more aggressive than before. My kids do not need to be involved in this type of behavior.

I do not want to see H or even talk to him anymore, I have to find some peace or this will destroy any thought of happiness. I am beginning to realize that maybe I am obsessed with him instead of being in love with him. I don't know just to hurt. I think I broke my thumb last night during my rage.

I am out of control! I feel so desperate! I feel so alone! I want him to be witout me , but I can not afford to pay the bills alone. I am tired of him being able to just walk into our lives whenever. It only increaswes my anger because we have no real knowledge of where he is living. I don't even know if it is with OW. He has told me that he was not seeing her before and it was all a lie. I just don't know, but I am tired of being the patsy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I feel so STUPID for ever believing that I could be HAPPY in this M! I am now insecure and untrusting, volitile, and ashamed of who I am and our M. I am not satisfied with any aspect of my life right now.

H came from nothing and I have given him everything and recieved a slap in the face. My kids have been my only blessing in this whole thing.

I don't mean to ramble so I'm going to go now.

BYE <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

JT

Ramble if you must, get it out, that is what we are here for.

I really don't know what to tell you, it sounds as if you can't plan b right now unless you legally separate for financial reasons? If so then maybe it is best you do, you are only killing the love you & H have for each other by fighting w/ him verbally or otherwise.

Right now it sounds as if you need to focus on you & controlling your anger & other emotions, I doubt you are obessessed w/ H you just love him & there is no shame in that but to perserve that love & any change of saving your M it sounds like right now you need to concentrate on you first, your kids second & be away from H for awhile.

Take care of you.

Thanks alot,

But H will not go away. H will not leave us alone. I don't know if he's sfraid if I leave or wake up from this then I'll be gone or what. I don't want you to forget that we have a 1 & 2 yr old. They want to see their father everyday and need him a great deal as well at this point. I don't want to take that away from them.

We own a business together that I am very much involved with and have to be in order to control the money involved. So there are so many other ways we are linked til it draining sometimes.

I think that when he comes to see the kids I am going to start leaving the house. I don't want to participate in any family outings or anything anymore. I don't want to play family or play happy when I'm not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I don't know anything else to do. I have to get control of myself but nothing seems to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

JT

Ramble on honey!!! We are here listening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm glad you are going to the dr. You will feel better when you do. I hate you H is being the way he is. But like I said don't talk to him about it right now if you get this angry. Its not good for you. And just think if he uses it against you if you do D and he acts like an a$$ and tries to get C of your C. I don't know, but if they are angry too and attorneys tend to blow stuff like that up!!! Don't do anything he can use against you PLEASE. I know everything my H did my attorney did. She took him doing anything and mad it look bad. Thats what they do for a living. And remember don't file for D just because your mad and angry. Seperate, calm down and think about the big picture. What do you want for your future and your childrens. I said a prayer for you and I hope God lifts your anger and hugs your heart for your pain.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> SUNNY

Every one has their own way of dealing & healing. Take your time. Yes, I think you should leave when H comes to visit the kids. Let yourself be away from the stress, tension and the triggers that provoke.

I think, if the Dr. gives you the proper medication, you will be able to be more self controlled and it will help.

What are you so ashamed about? You did not do this. H chose this, it is in no way a reflection of your character but H lack of it.

Why won't H tell you where he is staying? What is up w/ that? What are his reasons for not telling you?

Have you 2 started M counseling yet?

Yes, you may need to do some changing but H does need to change too. It was HIS lack of character that started the A not yours!

What are you being so hard on yourself about?

Hi JT,

If your husband will not leave you alone can you get a restraining order. He could get his own place and see kids on weekends. I had to get a restraining order against my second husband but then this man has physically abused me. I had a third party deliver the kids to him. My kids love their dad too. I could not take that away from them even though I cannot stand the man. But you love your husband so you are in a very hard spot and I feel for you. I do not think I would want him in my home without me. Why can't he get his own place where he can see his kids if you do not want him around since he seems to just drop in as he pleases. Nobody shoud be expected to live like that. He is stopping you from having a life. He is not there for you supporting you yet just drops in when he feels like it disrupting your sense of peace and order.

JT2~

Hang in there! I think you will feel a better when on meds. and you will be calmer which will help the situation. If you can't control anger etc. right now then it is probably better to minimize contact because it sounds like you your behaviour right now isn't helpful and I'm w/KT it isn't all you--It's him too.

((((HUGS))))

HI GIRLS,

I'VE HAD A BUSY WEEKEND SO I HAVE NOT BEEN ON THE SITE.

GENIA - I HEAR WHAT YOU AR SAYING BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE MISUNDERSTANDING HE IS NOT LIVING WITH US RIGHT NOW BUT HE PROVIDES FOR US. H PAYS THE BILS AND HELPS AND SUPPORTS THE CHILDREN. HE BUYS THE GROCERIES TAKES CARE OF WHAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF AROUND THE HOUSE- CUTS THE GRASS, ETC.

KT - MI DO NEED TO SEPERATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SOME. I HAVE DECIDED TO GO TO THE STORE OR SUCH WHEN HE COMES OVER TO SEE US. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS THERE TO SEE ALL OF US BUT I MAKE IT HARD WITH ALL OF THE ARGUING AND FIGHTING.
I AM INCLINED TO AGREE BUT THAT IS MY WAY I THINK OF GETTING MY FEELINGS OUT WHICH OF COURSE IS NOT THE RIGHT WAY. I MUST LEARN TO CONTROL MY ANGER AND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS SITUATION. I HAVE DECIDED TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE WHEN HE COMES TO KEEP MY COOL.

I WANT TO JUST HAVE SOME PEACE IN MY LIFE AND I AM NOT GETTING IT. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO KEEP SEEING ME UNHAPPY. I DON'T WANT HIM TO KEEP SEEING ME UNHAPPY. I NEED TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY AND THAT'S WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

H LOST HIS WEDDING RING OVER A YEAR AGO AND HAS NOT REPLACED IT, AND WHEN I MENTION IT HE JUST SAYS HE'LL GET ONE LATER. I HAVE DECIDED TO SELL MY SET. I WILL NO LONGER BE WEARING A RING THAT DOES NOT SYMBOLIZE ANYTHING. BESIDES I AM THE ONLY WEARING ONE SHOWING THAT I AM IN THIS ALONE I GUESS. SO WHY WEAR IF IT MEANS SO LITTLE TO HIM.

I DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE. I AM ALMOST INCLINED TO GO AN START DATING AGAIN AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT!

TO STRESSED,BUT NOT CLEAR ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. JUST WANT TO BE FREE OF IT ALL.


JT

JT2 your doc appointment is this week right? I know how just disappearing sound so good. But H needs to see you as the independant, loving, caring, person he M! Even thought they broke the promise, keep your ring! Change it. I have a round dia, in a ring guard. Took and bought me my birth stone and wore it on my left w/ guard and sol. by itself! Oh H hit the roof when he saw that. He was more upset over that than my change in clothes. LOL. But I did for me and my kids. Yes I changed my hair, my clothes, I wanted to be a different person. One who cared about people again, cared about me again. Me and my kids had fun, no more fighting every night,ect. We took mini vac. Didn't go our of town, stayed intown went to Hotel, w/ pool and just spent the night & day! Of course girls like that kind of stuff. We showed H we had a life w/o him and we could make it good and on our own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He saw that I was tring to get back my old "self". Not for him, for ME! I missed her! She was fun, happy, and just went for stuff. Don't worry about tomorrow, don't know if I would even be here, so live everyday like its you last one! Thats what I'm tring to do. Some days I prayed it would be my last, but thankful he gave me another day to live w/ the ones I love. This situation is so hard and its not my place to ask him why, I just ask him to help me though what I am facing. And have to tell the devil get out of my head everyday!! And I have been so bad since thursday, but hopfully this week will be better. Yours too!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

SUNNY,

THANKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

Hi JT2,

I hate to say this but I think I understand a little of what is going on. I think your husband is doing this stuff for you to maintain some sort of control. My ex husband would do things for me so he could make me feel like I owed him. I do not want to owe him nothing and I do not want him to have any control over my life. No matter what he does for me he can never have me back. when my current husband was away, a neighbor cut my grass. I went over to pay the neighbor. The neighbor told me I did not have to pay him. I told my ex husband about the incident. He said he paid the neighbor to cut the grass. I seen it as an attempt to make himself look good hopeing I might go back to him. Anyhow I am glad you are showing your husband you can be happy without him.

JT2~

You can do this and meds. will help you I believe. Focus on you and being happy--H doesn't want to be around someone who is unhappy although we know they caused a lot of the unhappiness. Your H may be afraid that by watching your behaviour lately, that you can't handle this situation and you need to prove that you can and that you are the bigger person.

Trust me I have been where you are and it will begin to get better and the anger will begin to lessen. Have faith. I actually told me H last night that I haven't been able to figure out why I can't just have a normal life like others and then I told him that I came to believe this was what was in store for me and that is because I and we could handle this. I have stopped with the why me stuff--it was a huge stage of all this though.

You can do this JT2. I'm thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can do this and meds. will help you I believe. Focus on you and being happy--H doesn't want to be around someone who is unhappy although we know they caused a lot of the unhappiness. Your H may be afraid that by watching your behaviour lately, that you can't handle this situation and you need to prove that you can and that you are the bigger person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT,

I totally agree with Albany start working on you right now & your anger issues, until you get a handle on that you will be no good to anyone, especially your kids. Take yourself out of the equation for a while, go away when he comes to visit, maybe you can find a way to not be so dependent on him financially? Just a thought.

Keep praying girl, if this gets to be too much for you remember God always provides a way of escape.

THANKS GIRLS,

I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR FROM EACH OF YOU. ALBANY YOU ARE SO RIGHT I THINK H WANTS ME TO GAIN CONTROL OF MY ISSUES. H SAID YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE ANGER ISSUES AND HE DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT. I ALSO ASKED WHEN OW WAS DUE AND HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT KNOW - WHICH IS PROBABLY THE TRUTH. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH THE TV ON - AND THERE WAS A PASTOR TEACHING ON LOVE.

THE THING THAT STUCK OUT WAS THAT HE STATED THAT YOU MUST HAVE A FORGIVING SIRIT JUST AS GOD DOES. IF YOU CLAIM YOU LOVE SOMEONE THEN YOU MUST HAVE AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR THEM AND A FORGIVING SPIRIT. I DON'T THINK THAT I HAVE A FORGIVING SPIRIT AND I TEND TO HOLD THINGS OVER PEOPLE WHICH I KNOW IS WRONG BUT I THINK I DO IT AS A WAY OF CONTROL.

I GET SO ANGRY WHEN MY H IS NOT DOING WHAT I THINK HE SHOULD DO OR WHAT I WANT HIM TO DO. IS THAT RIGHT? NO! INEED TO BE ABLE TO FORGIVE HIM AND GET PAST THIS ANGER THAT IS BOILING INSIDE OF ME. THE PASTOR SAID IF YOU CAN NOT HAVE A FORGIVING SIRIT LIKE THE LORD THEN HOW DO YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO HEAL YOUR PAIN?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I AM AGONIZING OVER THIS SO MUCH. I HAVE NOT LET THE LORD TAKE CONTROL. I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON MANY OCCASIONS, BUT HAVE YET TO DO IT. I MUST GET BACK IN THE CHURCH WITH A VIGOR, AND REESTABLISH MYSELF WITH THE FAITH THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE, AND TAKE OF ME AND MY FAMILY.

I NEED LOTS OF PRAYER AND GUIDANCE SO PLEASE KEEP ENCOURAGING ME I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO!

JT

JT2 I'm so glad you are feeling better. Like I told you. You will have some really bad days and them some really good days. Eventually the bad will out number the bad!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So just get past the bad ones and hold on to the good ones! And the very best ones always cherish! When is you dr appointment!! You haven't said yet. You really need to get the meds. I still need mine and when I come off of them I notice me getting angry again on the smallest thing. So I get to take them for a while longer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> One day I will not need them, but for now, it helps me get though all of it everyday. This situation is w/ you everyday ! Its not something that happens and goes on? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Maybe the "oldies" can let us know how and when you stop thinking about it daily.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MAYBE THAT'S WHY I AM AGONIZING OVER THIS SO MUCH. I HAVE NOT LET THE LORD TAKE CONTROL. I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS ON MANY OCCASIONS, BUT HAVE YET TO DO IT. I MUST GET BACK IN THE CHURCH WITH A VIGOR, AND REESTABLISH MYSELF WITH THE FAITH THAT GOD WILL PROVIDE, AND TAKE OF ME AND MY FAMILY. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is absolutely what you have to do, me too. It is really hard, I have not fully grasped this concept & have been having a really bad time too.
Getting back into the word of God is exactly what you need & learing to let him fight your battles.

I am praying for you.

THANKS, GIRLS

JT

JT - Definitely check out the websites BG suggests. She suggested them to me when I was going through a rough time (one of many). They have some wonderful devotions and it is just amazing how they fit our situation so well. There are so many days that I am feeling hopeless and these websites have helped pull me out of it. Thanks BG for sharing again.

I definitely think turning it over to God is the only way to get through an ordeal like this - no matter what the outcome.

Just last night I was walking with my neighbor. She obviously knew my H was not living at home, but asked why. I calmly told her everything that has happened over the last 6 months (except for OC) and she just couldn't believe it. She was just dumbfounded how calm and strong I appeared and couldn't believe I was handling it so well. It is all because of God - and that is what I told her. Believe me I still have my moments, but when I do, I say a prayer or something happens that reminds me to turn it over to God. I sit back and look and I am just amazed the people God has blessed me with to help me stay strong. All of you here are my biggest blessing, but I have a co worker that has gone through her H's A for 10 years. She has been a tremendous help. She truly understands what I am going through and why it is not so easy to walk away. I hate my job, but I truly believe that the reason I am still there is so Judi can help me through this. My friends and family have just been awesome also. I am scared about the day I have to tell them about OC. I figure when the time is right, God will help me through that also.

I also draw hope from the promise that God will bring happier times to my life once I have weathered this storm. Stand strong by your faith. I believe that we are saving so much more than our M's. We are saving our H's and hopefully showing our friends and family through our actions the meaning of forgiveness. That is my hope that my M will survive and that my H and I can show by example how God has changed us and lead us back down the right path. I just believe that there is a purpose to all this - as painful as it all has been - I truly believe God intends for me to grow through this experience. Hopefully God and I can reach my H also - I definitely can't do that alone.

Stand strong and firm in your faith. When you feel angry, turn to God in prayer instead of yelling at your H. You can do it and we are all here to support you.

Hi JT2,

I have not been following your story too close. At first I thought you didn't want your husband around you. Now I understand that you do want it to work. I have my husband with me still. I was jealous when I found out he was in affair. I was also sad and angry that he cheated on me. I am now angry because he does not try to meet my affection needs. I do not know if I did the right thing but I wrote him a letter stating that I am angry because you would not sit beside me last night. I then drew a line and put Things I like. I mentioned stuff that would fill my needs for affection. What will it take to wake him up. Last night I told him, "You say you are in love with me, but you don't show it. More like you love me and I am just your funk partner." He told me that made him angry. We went to bed angry. No cuddling in bed no nothing. I did not kiss him this morning when I left.