Last night I got two calls and hangups. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
They were blocked. Reminds me of OW. She used to call and block them. Then she would get her nerve up to call me and tell me how lovely her and my husband were getting along.
JT2, Not trying to hyjack just wanna let you know I understand the anger, I feel it too.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

JT another thing. In order for you to go on with your life, even if you are not M, you will still have to deal with the pain, hurt, and anger. If you don't your not going to give anyone else the chance to get close to you. Your not going to be able to trust anyone. And if you have to cry, then cry get it out. Its ok if your kids see you cry, they know "mommy is sad" and this would be an oppertunity for you to ask if they are sad or get sad. I know my D was so scared to say anything to anyone when we where seperated, until she saw my crying. (Not having a break down kinda cry, just sad, scared, hurt cry) You need to get ahold of it so you can help them too. And at one point when all of this started for me I WOULD NOT cry in front of H. Well you need to! He needs to see your pain that he caused. Don't just get mad and want to just hurt him because of the hurt he has done you. You are going to have to go through all the stages of recovery and each one will make you strong. And I want to tell you, the more folks you have praying for you, the harder it will be for the devil to get close to you. The devil doesn't like marriages, or family, its his job to make you feel the hoplessness of it all. And we are here to help you find it!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.

Hi Sunny,

I am not trying to say you are wrong. I was just seen somewhere that crying was a lovebuster. Making you look clingy. I cried once because I felt so bad about husband being mean to me after discovery of affair. He left and went and sat in car. So I did not get any points for crying in front of him. Seeing us cry seems to compound their guilt. They do not want to feel guilty so they do not want to be around us when we are sad. Now I am putting on a happy act for my husband even though I do not feel happy inside. Am I wrong?

You guys are so right.

KT- I am afraid to let the hurt & pain show. I have been so strong for so long and presented my self as such and not needing anyone, but it is all a lie. I need him and want him I can not do this alone. I am afraid to let him know this because he will then or at least I am afraid that he will then just walk all over me. Maybe deep down or I know i feel that he really does not love me. I am afraid of letting someone get that close to me. I am afraid that he will not love me unconditionally, because I have not loved him that way.

I don't know how to let him in and I am terrified of doing so. I am terrified of letting go of this situation for fear that it will not go well for me and my kids. H has told me otherwise and even said to me on several occasions that I need to let go and let us grow together and be happy together, but I can't or I won't. I give an inch and take a yard back. If I show that I am hurting badly then will he leave? That is the question here. I already feel like he has so I am just waiting for the bomb to drop on me! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have always been this way and have never really let myself go with anyone - H has gotten closer to me that anyone, and look what happened - I got burned bad. I feel as though it is impossible to recover from this - eventhough I love him so!! I obviously have a sad way of showing it to him, but that is because of my pride and fear of never really being loved by him!

KT - I think the issues run even deeper than I know, but this is what is holding me back. But I do I love him more than he will ever know and even believe.

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

If your husband cried would he seem clingy? Or would you feel he was sorry or scared? No my H knows I make my money, I'm a nice looking woman, getting men is not a problem, I am a strong person. Was Christ clingy? I'm not saying cry everytime you get into a conversation, but if your hurt, they need to know. If you don't show or release it by crying, I get angry and want to hurt them like they hurt me. Thats when the devil steps right in. And I don't mean a histarical cry either. But would you think your H was more sincere if he cried? No your not wrong. Everyone and every situation is not the same. But for me I don't cry hardly any. Not at deaths, wakes ect, if your saved I am happy this world is not your worry and God is what you are looking at and I want to talk to John!! And I will see my family and friends again. Because I know in my heart I will be there too someday. So if I am deeply hurt, to where I do cry, H knows I'm hurt. I don't do it to make him feel sorry for me or any more guilty. Neither does he. When I have really hurt him he will cry and I don't think any less of him. Crying together has brought us closer. But that is us. But hurt has to get out, so let it out in a good cry and not just a hurtful anger type thing.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted I'm going home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Delighted that God has blessed me again today
Delighted that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life (Means new starts ladies) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Delighted he gave me a forgiving heart ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi,

you know what ladies it is over. I can not control the way that i feel and really am tired of trying to save this stupid a%% Marriage. I feel that I made a mistake and should not have married this man. I will not continue to live in seperate households and he is actually saying that he is going to get himself together. So what the heck does that mean. He is not doing anything to work on this marriage. I feel like I am living in a constant nightmare and have no way out.

I guess he is going to wait see if his OW/oc looks like a good situation for him. I think it is best for me to move on to the next chapter in my life.. I need to close this one. H said that I am just worried because I did not allow him to be with me in the hospital when i had our children. This is true but I am sorry and can not take it back. So I have to just let it go. I am sick of fighting and arguing about it. I can not win H had the nerve to tell me that I won't win him back by arguing about it everyday, but hello why do I have to win him back what the H%%$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I should be the one that he is trying to win back
. He is never going to come home so I am sick of waiting and crying about it!!!

I need to just say F it and get the h##$ out of it. I am so sick of this SH&% til I don't know what to do. This is what an explosion from me sounds like if you did not know.

KT- it is not going to get better I don't truly believe that nad you know what I feel like I can't live with him and can't live without him. I think I am going to start dating, maybe I 'll start over and not have to worry about it. Maybe an affair will help me to get over him and move on. I want some happiness too. He got to have it and he gets to escape it everynight by going to where ever the heck he lives.


you all were wrong about me I am not willing to fight for what I have nothing. I feel so stupid - I am living hell on earth and I am tired of it. I don't mean to ramble but I think that I am going to go out and just start over. It worked for him I know that it will work for me because I have no intention on coming back. I think my H thinks that I am going to be here forever. I have decided to live outside of the house for a week. Maybe if he has no clue as to where we are then he 'll leave me the HR%# alo9ne or figure out what it's like. Plan A is not for me an neither is PLan B I need to just let this go. I am sick of hurting and I don't know what else to do.

I am not getting over this nor am I working through this. I should not be here at this point in my life. Why should I do the work here? What the hel$% is the problem with this world. I almost want to just ball up and wither away. Would anyone really miss me other than the kids? I don't see it and father's day is right here and I have to deal with this. I am tired and want to live myu life starting with someone else or maybe by myself.

I just know it is time for me to move on to someething new. this is not a fight worth having. I should not have to try and remind him of what he M he should know and want to be with us but that is not the case.

I am done - all the way cooked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
not just today but everyday. Nothing has helped me and I guess nothing will so I'm outta here!

JT

Wish everyone else well!!

Hi JT2,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand your pain. I am going through a roller coaster of my own right now but just in a different way. A lot of people feel bad for me and some people do not wanna talk to me because they think I should just leave my husband. But ultimately you do what feels right to you. If your gut tells you that it is not gonna work, it probably won't. I think you do need to hold off on dating for awhile though. Your emotions are running high now. I know you are probably lonely. It would be better if you had some women friends to hang out with. But I would hold off on dating because your anger and fears may come out against a man who might be good. I just think you need to take some time and work on yourself before you date again.
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this situation.

JT, Plan A is hard. Even if I found this site before doing plan B I'm not sure if I could have done it first. I understand your need to go on but you can;t just run off w/the kids and not tell him. Don't let him use the legal system to make you look crazy! Cause he messed up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Think about everything you do before you do it and say it. Yes if you feel you need to leave, then pack up and get kids and go somewhere and enjoy them!!!! But you have to tell him. That age ole rule "thats their father" and weither he has acted like it or not, he loves them. You have this feeling of moving on, then I am with you. You only know what its like living and dealing with this man. But do it legal !!!! File for the D and serve him w/ papers. You having an A makes you lower your standards and I would hate to see you do that. But if your not intended to be with your H, then yes make your plans, but not when your angry. Maybe time away from the daily constant reminder will lessen your anger. I really hope you call an attorney and find what your legal rights are and don't do anything he can use against you. When the H wakes up and sees your not going to be there just sitting and waithing for him to make his mind up and when he has to loose his family, he may turn around and start getting angry and use whatever he can. Also if he is still in contact w/OW she will be cheering him on to hurt you ! Trust me been there done that! So just slow down, write your plans and what you want and where you want your life to be then call the attorney and file. PLEASE don't stoop to his level. Showing him that you are so much better than that and making your life good again will be enough to hurt him He will say, look at the heck of a woman I lost! Make him feel that way, without even saying a word! Good luck and you WILL keep posting, right?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

SUNNY,

wHY AM i THE ONE WHO HAS TO GIVE SO MUCH AND GET SO LITTLE IN RETURN. i AM TIRED OF EVEN FOPOLING WITH IT AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM HIM I HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT MYSELF.

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL. I HAVE HAD TO TAKE MEASURES INTO MY OWN HANDS AND FIND OUT INFORMATION THAT I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. i HAVE FOUND WHAT DOCTOR SHE IS USING AND EVEN GOTTEN THE DUE DATE THIS MORNING FROM THEIR OFFICE. I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE THING. I DO NOT WANT TO EVEN GO THROUGH IT.

I CAN NO TTAKE THE STRAIN AND STRES ON MY SANITY. I AM LITERALLY GOING INSANE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I AM NOT EVEN A SANE PERSON I WORRY ABOUT THIS WHOLE MESS CONSTANTLY. I AM CONSUMED WITH IT. I AM NOT GETTING BETTER ABOUT IT I JUST WANT OUT OF IT. I AM THINKING IT SO I MIGHT AS WELL SAY IT BUT MY PRAYERS ARE GOING UNANSWERED. I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF DESPAIR AND DESSERTEDNESS(IF THAT'S EVEN A WORD).

I SEE NOTHING BUT PAIN AHEAD AND NOTHING ELSE. I AM NOT SURE THAT IT WILL EVER GET BETTER I AM NOT SURE THAT I WILL EVER BE BETTER. I AM SO TIRED I FEEL LIKE I NEED AN EXORCISM DONE ON ME. LADIES I AM TIRED OF READING THE BOOKS AND JUST TIRED OF TRYING TO FIX IT. THIS IS REDICULOUS.

JT

ok JT, take a deep breathe. If you are done, then you are done.

I would strongly recommend that you avoid jumping into another relationship w/ someone else right now or anytime in the near future.

I would at least wait until the D is final. AND, I think you should get into some personal counseling to help you w/ your issues.

Your children need you right now, not some new honey or lover. They need you to focus on them (not be distracted by a lover) so that they can grieve for thier parents marriage too & for their family that will no longer be. They need lots of reassurance & stability.

If you do D, fine but you & H will still have to get along for your children so don't think that you won't be reminded of the pain from time to time, it will still be there. H will still be in your life.
**************
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The other stuff you said, you're right. You should not have to convince H to stay w/ you or lecture him about how a marraige is supposed to be or what it means to be married. H knows & he is choosing not to be. ok
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So take a deep breathe and seek out an experienced family attorney who will advise you correctly on how to accomplish what is best for your children.

Think rationally here, BC will need father just as much as you so if H is willing, he should be allowed a very generous visitation schedule. It will mean that you will only see your children 1/2 of the time too.

Some courts offer classes on how to co-parent or can advise you where to go for these classes. Some courts even require the parents to attend these classes. Especially w/ all the anger that you have, I would seek those out so that you can learn the tools to effectively co-parent & keep H & your's relationship separate from your parenting relationship.
***********
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Take care of yourself.

JT -

OMgoodness! I can so feel your hurt! I'm hurting for you - beleive me, I've been there where all you see and feel is the pain, pain, the betrayal and the hurt. I understand. I do.

You do what you have to to regain your equalibriam (sp? - I'm a dolt). You need to, and you DESERVE it! If that means getting out - you do what you have to do. Heck. It'll at least give you room to breathe without it hurting - I remember that pain - that pain where I couldn't believe that I could exist without the hurt. Now you have a choice, honey. The choices aren't easy, but they are YOURS now. Make them. I am here. You can tell me how hard is, and I'm going to agree with you and be here for you to lean on when you need it.

You aren't alone - no matter how it feels. Last November you'd have had to scrape me off my bedroom floor with a spatula - I was in so much pain. I only wish I'd known then that I wasn't so friggin alone!

You're not by yourself! I'm here.

- Kimmy

Okay JT2

I agree-with KT and Niosgirl. You do what you need to do and we will be here for you.

Have you thought about PB--it would give you space and time--NC with H--make hime get kids via neutral party--it might be alternative to doing a D right away and the worst that could happen is you do a D anyway but you get all your affairs in order during PB and be ready. Either he catches up or he doesn't.

Not telling you what to do just tossin out an idea and I will support you either way.

Hi ladies,

I am back today. I am feeling a little better. I still don't know if I should stay or not. Just keep praying for me and I will be praying for you. I don't know what else to do. I can not be there for my H if I can't even get over the factm that he has this other child and will want to spend time with it.

I don't even know if he will want to spend time with OC or not. I have stated my NC rule to him and he claims that he will just pay her the CS and let that be it but what else will happen.

They live in the same state and even work close by each other maybe a football field away from each other. I am just not certain I can take it.

i don't feel like this is his only A so i feel like it won't be the last.

and I am the only one feeling the pain of it all.

jt

JT2

I think he may be feeling the pain--that is why they have a hard time dealing with us and didn't you say that you guys keep working on and spending money on your house--I think that it is positive that is happening. He has not let go.

I'm thinking of you and want you to know that you can get through this anger but it won't happen overnight.

JT,

I am so happy you are feeling better today. It is so hard to stay calm & not wig out over all this & just say forget it all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still don't know if I should stay or not. Just keep praying for me and I will be praying for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't stop praying whatever you do girl, God will lead you where HE wants you to go & that will never be a place that is not GOOD!

Hang in there sweetie!

JT2, I did NOT even see your post that was all in caps! we must've been posting @ the same time.

You really sound like you need an anti-depressant now (& individual counseling). I recognize EXACTLY how I was, just like that AND afraid that I was also going insane.

Hellooooo? you are. Have you gotten any medication for this?

I am very serious about this. You are extremely mood swingy & your posts show it. I am afraid for you. One of the effects/symptoms of depression can be suicide.

If you are feeling this crazy, I fear that suicidal thoughts are not far either, if you are not having them already.

I am completely serious here. Talk to me!

You never answered my questions before.......what are you DOING to get better?

Hi girls,

well I have had rough week. I have not started my AD's and am feeling the brunt of this situation. I do not think that I have been actually living in faith that God will work everything out for the good. I do not know how to release it and let God. I know that it is the right thing to do, but I have not been able to do it. The devil is ever present. I am getting no information from my H which is even worse and he still sontends that he wants his family. He still does so much work around the house and for our family - me included.

We had a great father's day and he was home with us all day. We had the first calm conversation last night in a long time. I guess because I was partially calm. I told him how I felt about it - the situation and even told him what I would not be able to handle about this whole thing. He contnds that he can't do anything until this baby is born. he said he is going to go throuhg the courts and get this taken care of. I told him DNA testing would have to be done. He claims that he is not even sure that this is his baby.

I told him that I would not stay around or be married to him if he plans on taking an active role in this childs life. I will not jepardize my family's happiness because of this. I will not allow my children to be subjected to this type of life. I also stated that he could not live a double life. He has to make a decision an choose. He told me that I believed everything that OW said to me and I told him no. He said that he never told her that they were going to be together. He said how could I marry her when we are already married and so is she for that matter.

I told him he must have wanted to be there because when I put him out he ran straight to her for comfort and to live with. Now I wanted to iknow if he wanted to be in C with OC and he can not give me an answer. Ladies I can not accept this. I will not be married to him if C is involved. I know that OC is innocent but hey so are my children and my stepson. They deserve more and will get if from me even if daddy is not with us. I am not sure that he understands that I can not live like that. I have told him enough but am afraid that he will choose her and OC over me and my kids.

I do sometimes have thoughts of just melting away KT, but I am not suicidal I will not leave my children to be with this B&W#$%!! They may have lost one parent if we D. So I be da*#ed if I'm Going to leave them without a mother at least not on purpose. Besides I am scared of pain let alone self inflicted pain.

gotta go will talk later,

JT

please help me make him understand that I can not do this. and please keep praying for me.

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

JT - You sound like I used to - heck, even now I sometimes think if something should happen to me, I don't think I'd fight to keep breathing. My kids, too, are what swings those thoughts around - and they're getting less and less frequent. I couldn't leave them to be raised by dh - and who knows, really if he'd ever run back to the tart? I sure as heck don't want HER raising my sweet babies....I don't even think she's fit to raise those she has....I've made it clear to dh if something ever does happen to me, I want his sister to raise my kids...at least he sees my point of view...

I digress. Take your meds. They'll help. I swear they will. You'll be WAY more calm - and therefore more productive for yourself and your children. I'm sending you cyber squeezes....we all need them sometimes.

- Kimmy

JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think that I have been actually living in faith that God will work everything out for the good. I do not know how to release it and let God. I know that it is the right thing to do, but I have not been able to do it. The devil is ever present. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel the same exact way, I say I am gonna let it go & I tell others to let it go, but I can't. My faith is very shaky, I can't seem to trust God to work this out for me, it is the hardest thing to do.

I have not taken my AD's either, only took a total of 3 not in a row & quit, but you really need something to calm you down honey, so you can make good sound decisions & none based out of anger & pure raw emotion.

I pray that H will be united w/ you in your decision to have NC w/ OC if it is his. It is asking a great deal of you to do this & if you feel in your heart that you can't you should not even try. It is good that you were able to talk w/ him calmly about your feelings & it sounds like you didn't LB at all, I still think the meds will help you to continue to keep communication open w/ H & hopefully you 2 can make some progress using POJA concerning him returning home & the OC issue.

As always I am praying for you.

I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do about the way I feel. My h I believe just does not want me to leave but he does not wnat to work at it. He w3ant to control what happens. If i know nothing about what he is feeling about this issue then nothing gets done. I can not understand why he won't involve me other than maybe the fact that I blow up most of the times when I again I bring up the issue. If I never say anything about this mess then we would probably never talk about it. H never brings it up.

He never even talks about it Maybe he needs to be out of this relationship to see just how good he really has it. We have made a good life for ourselves and our children. I have helped him like no othr person ever has. I wonder does he not want to let his marriage go because he does not want to feel like a failure or does he realy love me and the kids. is it enough? I don't think so. I don't think that my H is going to be able to have NC - so I might as well end it now.

What the he$$ am I waiting for?

I just don't know if I can do any of this!!

KT I am doing nothing to help this situation but Cry I guess. I feel like i can't get anything done it is amazing that I even go to work,but then I spend all day reading these posts. I live this whole thing daily!!

I am sooooo stupid for even being in this!!!!

JT