You know what girls I think that I am just trying to realize that my H will probably not put my feelings first in this whole thing. he still trys to say that OW would not do this or that but hey I bet he never thought sh'e call my house either. I can't take the pain and I'll never be able to deal with someone coming and telling my children that they have another little brother or sister. I don't want this to be and I am hurting so that I can not see anything but red!!

i won't live with this pain. I don't want it for my family I think that it's better for my kids if their daddy ws not involved on any level. him saying that he does not know what he is going to do tells me that he wants to be a part of this childs life and frankly he can't have them both. he can't live two lives with two seperate familiesl. Heck he already has two families and CS to deal with from his ex-wife. My stepson deserves better. He knows how trivial OW can be from dealing with her.

Your H sounds like mine. As soon as i draw away mine comes running--doesn't want me to find anyone else.

Never wants to talk about this anymore. Acts as if nothing has happened and it makes me wonder if he could do this forever. Your H sounds a lot like mine and AD would probably suggest PB because they don't show they are leaving and a very short PB would probably bring them around.

However, I haven't wanted to do a PB so I haven't. Hang in there--I see a lot of potential for your M to work--especially the fact that your H doesn't seem done.

JT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sooooo stupid for even being in this!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are stupid, then I am a the biggest idiot that ever lived, at least you are fighting for your family, I am hanging in here just to try & get back the man who promised to love, take care & honor me for life.

For real though, you are far from stupid, you are a christian woman/wife/mother who is trying to live right by God & honor the vows you took on your wedding day - for better or worse...

You are attempting to follow God's way & forgive, remember God hates divorce.

You are acknowledging your past mistakes & have a desire to work thru the current problems in your M, that takes courage & strength & a lot of love, not many women would be where you are right now, not because they are smart, because they would chose the easy way out & run, give the devil what he wants another broken M, more children from a broken home.

Girl you hold your head up high, you are not stupid, you are more than a conqueror & you will be victorious. Just keep holding on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am still the queen of angry outbursts. I have not changed at all and My M that I claim I want is paying for it. I throw up what is happening and not happening in our M up eeryday. I call my H at work to questiopn him about what he wants to do. I just feel like a total idiot. I can not let it go and I won't let it og. I argue in front of my kids andf I am not being the best mother I can be to my kids by doing this. HEck I am not getting better. My H will not move home I am paranoid about eveythiong that he says and I am just pushing everyone away. I am awake crying my eyes out right now because I am stupid I have just been a fool and can not control it. I am so tired of being this way until I see no way out but to Divorce. But will I take this contaminating behavior on to the next relatiobship? I think so!! It's me I am the problem and he is just intensifying it with his stupidity. I just want to end it all. I want to be free of eveyone and everything I know nothing to be true anymore except that I am a fool. I am sorry girls I don't think that I can change so why expect someone else to change. I am the classic person that probably should not be married. I can not let it GO!!!

I am a retard of bad behavior and I am not only suffering but my kids are too!! I can not keep doing this but how do I stop it?????????????


I am afraid that I am about to collapse into a black hole or something I feel as though my world has ended. So why?

JT

I am obviously not as strong as you all may think. so please tell me what you think about this situation - better yet don't I know you all will say that you have been to this point too but did this same point last for almost 10 months now- for you? It is not getting better and I am not getting better!! I don't want to be here anymore!

Hi JT,

I am so worried about you. Well I have been having these depressed thought for 6 months now. The OW baby is due 9/15/04. That seems like an eternity to me. My husband tells me he plans on contact. I hear that they should have another person go with them if they have contact. My husband refuses to do DNA test. Says he is sure it is his baby. I cope by putting on a happy face in front of husband. I wanted to end it last weekend. I told husband I felt like he treated me like I were trash. He said I could talk to him when I felt like that. But you know the truth is I can't because he does not like seeing me sad or being with me when I am sad. So much for unconditional love. I feel starved for love. I know your feelings. Sometimes I feel like what is the point. Will medication help me, you, I do not know. I could try it, but will it just make me accept a situation that I would not otherwise accept. I have made a Doctor's appointment and I plan on talking to the Doctor about it. I hope you can find a way to feel better soon because I am worried about you and your little ones. When we are down our kids know. JT2, I pray for you that you can pull yourself together.

<small>[ June 24, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

JT2~

You can pull yourself together and do this. Yes, I have been doing this for exactly 1-year this week. H moved out having an affair came home in late November - end of January and didn't know about OW being w/OC until 2nd week of Dec. IT can take a long time but I think I prolonged mine possibly by not doing PB. You can do this.
Start taking your AD--they really help after about a week--they let you relax and live life which is what you need to do for you, kids and the marriage if you want it to survive. You will push H away with angry if you don't get a handle on all this. It sucks but we have to be the stronger one and do more of the work to get through this at first.

YOU CAN DO THIS IF NOTHING ELSE FOCUS ON 1 GOOD THING FOR YOU EACH DAY AND THEN FOCUS ON KIDS AND I THINK THE REST WILL COME.

Hi girls,

I am still not feeling well this morning. I must say that I am really afrad of taking AD's. I am not the medicine taking tyoe even though I may need them to get through this I am so afraid of becoming dependant on them. I have been such a fool to think that things will actually work out for us. My family has never been strong enough to withstand this A I don't think. I keep pushing my H further and further away and it is killing me to watch him leave. The truth of the matter is if I did even get a D it would haunt me daily because I love him. He says that he wants the arguing in front of the kids to stop. But I must do something for myself. I must refocus my anger into something positive but I don't know how to do that. I am tired of being the person that I am. I feel taht my delf esteem has really suffered because of this situation. I have not aken off all the weight from my last abby and am feeling pretty bad about myself eventhough men still try to approach me.

I don't see my H looking at me in that way and I feel so bad about it. H does make comments about it when we argue but I know that he really does mean it so it stays with me. He says that I am driving him crazy weiuth all the arguing and stuff. But it has become a part of me and I can't even stop it once I start. he claims this is why he is not home. My fear is that it will never end he even said in the argument last night that he does not even know why he married me if I was going to be like this. well I ask myself the same question daily about him.

I just think that we are not going to make it so I keep trying to push it so it will go away. I have asked him to let me go and move on but he won't do it. I am so afraid that he will not be the H that i need him to be that it is keeping me from being the wife and mother that he needs me to be. I am a lost case here and find that it may not really be helping me to get over this stuff. My bills are piling up on top of one another nad I feel myself drowning. H helps with the bills but it seems as though I can not manage a thing right now. everything is behind.

I will try to read and focus my strength on improving me but I don't have the faith right now to do it. I can not stand in the midst of this storm and know that it will be alright. I do not see it I do not see anything but darkness right now and I know that you all are tired of me repeating myself but it is bad!!!

I can not even really afford to continue with my counseling sessions right now and I need them the most!! I have no where to turn anymore I have exhausted myself to no end.

Well my H just called I am shocked we had a big fight last night I LB and so did he. He asked how the kids were this morning and I said not so good. He then asked how I was doing and I said that I was not good and that I was not happy. He said that he was going to try to get it straight for me and the kids, but I have a really hard time believing that. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I told him that i finished washing for him and he could pick them up later. I am a little better now that he called but I am still the cause of most of my pain.


need guidance,

JT

Okay JT2

Take a deep breath and working on having a little faith in H-give him a chance. That is why I said that you need to get your anger under control to allow YOU to move forward.

I'm not a medicine type either but I'm OCD--and when things get rough I really get OCD and it was awful--I couldn't even let this whole big thing go--I was so focused on it and I LBed all the time that I helped drive him out the door.

My doctor gave me paxil which is used for both OCD and AD and it has worked wonders. I take the min. dosage every day and if I'm obsessing--which I really do easliy and I can tell it will be a bad day then I take two pills. You see I obsessed about OC and every waking moment I was with H before he moved back out--that is all I wanted to talk about--I couldn't let it go and even have one single enjoyable thought or action in my life.

That is why I encourage taking your medicine becausse I became a better person and happier and more care free and was able to better care for my son. I knew it was bad when my H said to me that I wanted him to stay but to take a look at myself and see how unhappy I was--how could it ever work he said.

You a strong but you will need help through this and I think that you could see a change in your H once you have changed.

(((((((((((((jt)))))))))))))
Hugs to you girl. Listen most of the AD's you cant get addicted to. Talk to your doc!!! Girl you have got to snap out! those babies need you !!! 1 & 2-1/2, lord girl how do you have time to do anything? They keep you busy I bet. I really don't know what we are exactly surpose to do? No theres not a "Here's what you do when your spouse has an A", book The Harleys guidelines are close to making you a stronger and better person, so you can work on your M. They don't fix your H! Put all of your work into those babies and you for awhile. Your covering your head and you got to get up and get things done!!! I know you love your H dearly and he will see that, eventually. So change yourself into the person you and god wants you to be. I know inside you person who is beautiful, strong, funny, and a pleasure to talk to. This I know is the person inside you !!!! You just have to let go of the anger and find her! Please try and let go of the anger. I don't really think the hurt of the A ever goes away, it just gets better with time. Time is really on you side if you will use it. Time to think, time to love those babies, time to heal, time will kill the anger. If you let the lord help you. I hope you are feeling better soon. I said a prayer for you, for the lord to lift your burden and show you the way. So cross your arms and sqeeze, see you just got a posting buddy hug!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

JT,

Sweetie, I don't know what else I can say to u other than to keep praying, God has not forgotten about u he sees your pain, but he also gave u those 2 precious little ones WHO NEED U, so u can't afford to check out.

As much as u seem to think u are driving your H away he hasn't gone yet, he proved that by calling u today even after the big blow out last nite, but u must know everyone has a breaking point & he will get there if u don't stop.

I already take meds daily so the thought of another pill to take daily stopped me from taking AD's but U need them, at least for a little while unitl u can calm down a bit. Do what u have to do to get thru this, but vent anger & scream here not at H & not in front of your babies.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you ladies for the advice. I have read them and appreciate them fully. I will be going away for the weekend with the kids. I will not contact my H at all on this trip I want him to see just what it will be like without us. I have told him where i am going, but I am not going to leave a number this time. I know it will kill him to not be able to see the kids this weekend.

I need the break I just want to curl up and die. I don't even know how he thinks that he could make this better. I am ready to go away this weekend to get away from it all. I hope that i can enjoy every minute of it. please keep me in your prayers i need it as well as i will of you.

JT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I need the break I just want to curl up and die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been there, almost done that....Last November I was at that point, too. I know you're hearing from a lot of people to throw yourself into your kids - to pull yourself up if only for them. If you're like me, you wonder how the heck you can do that....but sweetie, it works. I started day by day. I made sure I hugged each of my little ones....I threw myself into them, and we're all better people for it. I got to the point where I had to conciously make the decision that the next breath would be for them, then the next one was, then the next one was.

You go on that trip and you BREATHE for those kids. You hug them close and talk about what their favorite flavor of ice cream is (even if you already know), talk about Shrek and Donkey and how icky that Dial soap commercial is with them in it. Smell their hair. Kiss their heads and smell their hair....it's the BEST medicine in the world.

Push thoughts of WH into a corner. Take your anti-d's. It'll make it a helluva lot easier to keep them in that corner if you do. If they rear their ugly heads, those thoughts, even if you have to say it out loud, give them to God, ask Him to please handle it for awhile, then MAKE yourself do something else or THINK something else. It's hard, but it works.

I hope you have the LOVELIEST time with your babies! I'll think of you all when I look at the stars tonight, and send up a flare prayer that you all are having a nice time.

- Kimmy

Jt, You probably won't even read this until next week if you are already gone.

BUT LISTEN UP GIRL---------you are DEPRESSED! You got the meds----so just take them. What is your alternative? Think of it that way. You keep living like THIS everyday (which is NOT normal by the way) or you take some med to get you through it & make you NORMAL.

How old is your youngest? Almost 2 or closer to 1? You could be having post partum depression too you know. It can show up anytime up to about 1 yr after baby is born.

That is what happen to me & then all this A/OC/C crap just intensified it even worse. I am telling you-----you are really choosing a dangerous situation here. Not only for you & your marriage but also for your jtbunch!

Look, if the Dr gave them to you.......they don't just hand those things out to whoever asks you know......the doc must have recognized the need.

I used to take them, I've mentioned before & I'm not now. It's not like it is forever. But it helped me to be NORMAL. You get so caught up in the madness that you forget what NORMAL is. The ad's take you back to that normal you again.

Some of this you are bringing on yourself by choosing some innappropriate actions. Only YOU can control YOU and you can ONLY control/change you and noone else. But the ad's help you recognize this.

I can't convince you but it's like you are sick, the doc gives you the medicine to help cure your sickness but you are refusing and wonder why you are still sick! DUH! No it wil not take this mess away but it does help you to cope w/ it better.

You know what to do w/ H. If you are angry every time he is near---then don't be near. When he comes to visit the jtbunch, then take a walk. CHOOSE this, start making good choices girl!

I remember how hard it was for me to do anything. I could not even function during the day. I knew the ktbunch needed me but......I could barely get up. I am a SAHM so I would sleep really late, barely get up & then have insomnia all night. I had thoughts racing through my mind all the time, uncontrollable. I could barely eat, I wasn't even hungry! But I was nursing a new baby......????.....I just kept the baby in bed w/ me too. I felt like I was insane & dying. Actually, I think I was.

I would have the most absurd thoughts & think they were normal.....???? (doesn't everybody think of slitting thier wrists while chopping carrots? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )TORTUOUS is the word I use to describe it. My poor ktbunch. So much time gets wasted & stolen from you.

When I started the ad's------(for me they took effect right away) it was like night & day! I think they saved me life----literally. I could deal w/ the situations like a normal person again. It was such a relief. My torture ended. I still had the upsetting problems but I was no longer CONSUMED by them. I could function, think straight & try to figure things out, not just be overwhelmed all the time.

It's not a magic pill but combined w/ all the other 'steps' I took, it really saved me.

I can't convince you jt but.......you should really think about this & decide what kind of life you want here. Your babies NEED you & they need you to be a functioning capable adult.

You have choices here, You can make them, it's like you are giving away all your own power by staying stuck in your own rut!

I am really sorry that you found yourself in this entire sitaution, created by the person you should have been able to trust the most in the whole world. I really am. And you KNOW I am sorry because I (most of us here) actually know the depth of your pain. It's not like I don't undersatnd & don't know what else to say. This is the worst situation in the world. yes. I have nothing else to compare it to. It hurts like he!! (@ least the closest I'll ever feel it). But I do know that it is not forever. I KNOW this because I have been there & back!

Because of that, I have no fear of what the future may bring now. I KNOW I will survive-whatever happens to me or my family.

I hope you have a really great weekend & are able to really think things through rationally & take some steps to make some positive changes in your life...whatever you feel those are.

JT (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) Now you have to get up and get going like KT said. Use and take the AD's they work. All of us are on them. This situation take sooo much out of you and just wears you out. Start taking care of you and those babies. Enjoy the weekend and try to put things behind you. The AD's will help. Oh and the post pardum stuff my gf had it til her child was almost 5 ! So there are more things going on in your body than you are awear of. BREATHE, and rest this weekend and if H calls, just let him talk to the kids and say good bye ! Im praying for you girl and let us know how the weekend went!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

JT

I am praying that u & yours have a wonderful weekend away from the madness. Love your babies & love yourself, take the med's & look at this as the 1st step of getting your life back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!

Hi Girls,

I had a really good time this weekend and really enjoyed being with my friend and her family. The kids really had a good time as well. They really enjoyed the wedding yet it was hard because I of course reflected on our wedding day and the mess we are in today. i still all in all had awonderful time. I did not call my H at all. I slept well and had minimal thoughts of the mess awaiting me at home.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We got back last night at about 8:30pm, my H came in about 15 minutes after us. He was extatic about seeing the kids. He said that he missed them so much and was glad they were home note he did not say anything about me. So I told him that he did not even call us to check on them and he said that I did not leave him a number but I figured that he would be creative and look on the invitaiton that was in the kitchen and call information for the number. Okay I was wrong, yet again. I LB about it and left it alone. I know that I am stressed enough right now. He then took my son to Wal-Mart to buy groceries for the house and picked up some pampers for the baby. (15 months) He bought them toys also - I wonder if that was a bribe?

I love him so til it hurts. He got angry because I am taking the baby off of the pacifier this week and she cried terribly. He even went to get her out of the crib and I told him no to leave her she'll be okay so we LB a little. I then went onto watch some TV, and he came into the den and wanted me to quiz him on his state licensing test. I did it. I quized him and he then asked me where I was taking him to dinner once he passed and I said what do I get in return? He then went into the bedroom and laid across the bed. I then went on to get ready for bed. I got in the bed and went to sleep.

Oh yeah and while I was quizing him he made the comment to my son that he was staying at home, and he did. I woke up this morning in my husband's arms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am going to try and make this a positive day and step in my life my devotion was good this morning and I am feeling good so keep praying for me. Oh yeah my H made sure that I did not leave this weekend without us doing the bedtime mambo! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But What does that mean?

JT

YES!

Good for you JT2-so happy for you!

Maybe your H is coming out of the fog like mine.

Gotta run--processing payroll for 250 employees and doing month-end closing.

Again just wanted to say how happy I am for these baby steps as I call them--don't forget about your AD's.

That bedtime mambo thing was him "marking his territory." Men! Sheesh! I'm sorry but I LOLed on that one.

Got a hint about taking the baby off the nippy. If you are like we were you have a dozen hidden in the house...well leave them where she can find them, but cut a hole in the end of each one. She'll bring it to you and you can tell her it's broken and to please put it in the trash. Worked like a charm on my two youngest. It's all about giving them the power to throw it away.

- Kimmy

JT,

Things are looking better for you, no? I pray for you & think of you most I think, so happy to hear some good news from you.

R u taking the AD's yet? They will help you I am sure to not LB at all hopefully. I pray that your H is realizing that u & his babies are most important & that he will soon be home so u can wake up in his arms everyday, the way God intended! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks girls,

i hope you all are right. I hope my h does come hoem soon enough. I just told him last week that i can not be positive when he is still out of the house and OW is due soon. He told me that he was going to fix things but I do not see how. I think he is waiting until this child is born before he makes a solid move in the right direction. He says he's not home because of the fighting we do but I am going to get that unercontrol. I just don't if I can wait to see if he's going to stand beside her or not. He swears that he is going to make our family work but i find it hard to believe. But on the positive not I am feeling good today and wish that everyone has a good day today and I'll keep you posted.

One thing is that I never worry if he's coming home at night he is there even earlier that he did when he was living there. It is just hard to see him go - I think it is more so because I am the reason he is not at home. But keep praying for me as I look to God for guidance.

and Thank all of oyu for supporting me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


JT