I live in constant fear of what could've been, what sould be, where we should be, and why it is not, where is it going, what happened to it all, who is to blame for it, what do we do about it, why are my kids hurting, how do I help them get through it, how do I get through it, How do I handle the pain, and how do we get past it?

These are the days of my life!!! These are the questons that I want answers to. These are the things that keep me from moving forward. I want the answers but am getting no where. I have decided to label myself a LOSER, and get on with my life. I am unhappy and will not find happiness with all these unanswered questons hanging over my head and around my neck like some kind of harness. What will it be? Just thinking about ME!!!

JT

Hi ALL,

I have been gone for a few days and have not had time to post, but i wanted to say that today has been a good day. I have been feeling good since I got up this morning so that's a blessing. I wanted to say that I am giving it all to GOD and whatever happens it will be his will. Fighting it only prolongs the inevitable. So here goes nothing or everything?

H still constantly talks about what we are going to do in the future like we have one so what do I do with that? Do I dare hope that he is telling the truth to me and himself? I must admit when I don't act ugly to him the time we spend together is great. One big happy family.

What do ya think?

JT

That makes me want to bang my head against the wall--my H is still planning things-even as today as us being together but yet he is saying he doesn't know--not happy etc. I didn't ask for almost three weeks and then he offered up the latest to me--wants to be their, wants it to work but isn't happy anywhere. AD is right my H needs to find some inner peace with his life.

JT2~hang in their our H's sound very much alike.

You know what Albnay - my H has stated that he really wants to be with his family and I am trying to have some faith in that. but time will only tell. He knows how I feel about OW/OC and that I will not live with C with that family at all. So we will see. I think that C will cause to many problems not only for me but my kids as well. I stick to that decision and he will have to sdtick with what ever decision that he makes about it. I will not live my life interupted by OW/OC on no terms. I can not have a family like that. I lived it with my grandfather doing it to my mother and her siblings and I know the aftermath that it caused to each one of them. It does take effect on the children regardless of what some may think. They do grow up with insecurities and instabilities. They may even become incapable of trusdting or even having lasting friendships and relationships. I am not willing to sacrafice the happiness, health and well being of my children to the fact that H is having another baby by someone else. I have seen the aftermath and what it can do to kids, even teens. I will protect them as long as I can. I am not saying that C can not work but I don't want that for my life nor my childrens.

Ultimately I have to be able to live a happy life and so do they. The choice is his to make. I have stated what I can live with and now he has to search deep and find out what he can live with. He is the one who has the choice to make. I will try to be patient and wait for now but I will not wait forever or even another year.

JT

I so understand what you mean. My husband is planning on C but MIL says that will fizzle out. He has very little contact with his other kids. MIL says after newness of baby wears off his C will fizzle down. She keeps assuring that her son is not planning on leaving me. It is just so hard when husbands takes us for granted. I am so glad your husband knows where you are coming from concerning no contact. I really was shocked at first that my husband was not angry with OW for purposely getting herself pregnant to manipulate my husband.

hi girls,

wanted to give an update on my life story. boy aren't you tired of these life updates? Well I had lunch with H on yesterday afternoon. It was very good I enjoyed his company as he said he did as well. When we returned to my office we sat in the car a minute and talked briefly, he thanked me for having lunch with him, and I thanked him for taking me. He leaned in and asked for a kiss, so i abliged. I then looked up on his visor and saw some papers and a picture. I reached up to get it and it was a picture of our daughter; however I then saw another picture of someone else with another background. I knew that I had not taken any pictures of the kids nor myself with that color backdrop.

So I reached again while asking him who that picture was of, he then immediately got defensive and grabbed the stuff in the visor. He proceeded to ask me to get out of the car. I would not leave whil I of course started LB,but not as bad as usual. He refused to show me the photo I accused him of having a photo of the OW. He claimed that I did not know what I was talking about and proceeded to ask me to get out of the car. He said that he did not have to prove anything to me and I said that he did. He was the one that broke the vows and the trust that I had in him and it was up to him to gain it back. So indeed he did need to prove it!!


He got so mad and said that he was not going to live like this. He yelled and said that this was exactly why he hadn't moved back home. Then he threw the photo at me and it was a school picture of my stepson ( you know the ones with that horrid brownish gray background). i was in shock and felt like such a fool. But then I always do.

I just got up and got out of the car. I want him so until I might be driving him crazy just like he says.

Later on I called and apologized and just hung up the phone. My best friend was in town again on business so I was hurrying home to meet her. when she got there I'd cooked dinner and fed the kids so I was ready to see her. Still in awe about what happened earlier I tried to put it out of my mind. She rang the bell and I opened the garage for her to come in, well I mmediately pushed the button to close the garage. we wlked inside and as I closed the door I heard the garage door opening again, I thought something was wrong but it was not it was my H.

He had a hand full of WalMart bags in his hands. he'd come home for dinner just as he does everyday. Since I had company I was busy changing the guest bed and sprucing up the piles of toys all over. he went in and put the groceries away and ate dinner. We all then watched some new dvds he'd purchased. we laughed and talked. He then went upstairs with the kids - he took them outside and shot a couple of hoops. So I then went outside with them and played for a little while until he got tired. He then walked with the kids to our neighbors house and talked for a while.

When he came back in he gave the kids their baths, put on pj's and put them to bed. He then came back downstairs with us to watch another movie. We all talked and then we (H & I) went upstairs. He then told me that he loved me and asked if I loved him ( all while holding me close in his arms) and said that he had a good time tonight. He loved the dinner and the time we spent as a family. He asked if we could do it again tonight (Thurs). I said yes, of course.

How do you trust again? That is my problem and I am a paranoid mess! Okay don't beat me down just let me in on it!

Does he love me?
JT

Okay JT. I'm crying here. I was so you........


YES! He loves you. He's trying his darndest! Oh, you love him so much, too!

Take your man...he's offering himself up! Get it girl! I'm so happy for you.

As for trust - well, don't trust for now. Just don't. It'll come. But set it aside - give to God, if you can. He'll hold your trust for you till it's time to get it back. Allow yourself to love him, but just set the trust aside for awhile. You both LB, and that hurts trust on both sides.....

Hugs!

- Kimmy

JT,

I agree w/ Kimmy - don't trust but more importantly don't accuse!

Can't tell u how often I have & felt like a fool.

Your H is trying, u need to meet him half way, he created this mess but he has a lot to deal with too & they tend to be a bit slower than us in handling & cleaning up their messes.

Patience, my dear patience! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

okay girls,

I hear what you are saying but I forgot to tell you even after all that love he still left and went to where he's living. But that did not change the feelings. I did not even get angry about it. I am just anticipating the time that we will spend together this evening. I am afraid of rejection which is normal I guess , but I feel like mine is intensified by 1 million. i am just afraid that if he is not home before this baby is born he will not make it back to us. Fear leads me daily. and it grows as her due date draws near. i don't know for sure if she is not trying to get him back. i can not trust him when he says that he has not spoken with her. What if he's lying to me again? I will not be able to handle it.

You are right about one thing I never thought I would be the person to even stick around during some [censored] like this!@#$%. but I have because I love him it is not even solely because we have kids - I love him like I have never loved anyone before. I am not perfect by any means, but i just am not sure if i see us making it through this. is your life really better once you make it through this. all i can see is black - doom and gloom for the rest of my life because of this situation. I know that he is hurting but he wants to do right by everyone and that just is not possible - someone will have to be slighted. The decision is who exactly do you want that to be. i'd rather know upfront if i need to move on not later and find that I had wasted time and enrgy on someone that never had any intention on making things right with his wife.

I feel like the second class citizen even with all the loving little gestures - it doesn't change that fact and him not being at home even intensifies it. So ladies, I just may be the dumbest thing going these days.

JT

ERGHHH! JT, I also recognize all paranoia. I was there......probably even just last year & it still rears it's ugly head sometimes.

But I have come to realize that........it is a choice to trust & it takes time. I put my faith & trust in God not my H. We are all capable of this. I think it was Dr. Harley that wrote you should NOT trust your spouse. For their protection as well as ours.

But like kimmy said, no need to accuse. It is boundaries that keep us safe from danger that is all around us.

If His late but hasn't called I still call him & CALMLY ask where he is. He usually does call though so he has put int he effort to rebuild my trust in him but knows that part of it will always be there.

I always jump to conclusions but I keep my thoughts in check.

The reality is that you cannot control your H actions or whereabouts. You cannot possibly be w/ him 24 hours a day so......what do you do? You put boundaries that will help you feel better about the situation.

For example, like H checking in when he is gonna be late. It's possible that he is not even @ work, I don't really know but he has put in the effort to make me feel secure so I CHOOSE to believe him.

ANd don't feel dumb...after what you have been through------of course you are gonna jump to conclusions.

HAve you told your H how far it would go in you trusting him & feeling secure in your relationship if he was actually LIVING @ home?

Explain to him that you NEED his help, he needs to help you feel secure enough in your relationship that you can begin to open your heart & trust again.

Hope you are having a great night tonight & get more than kisses. Would H stay the night if it ended in bed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just an idea? But seriously, he is YOUR H after all. Your allowed to have sex w/ him. Tell him you are willing to have sex everynight that he stay over.......think he'd want to go back to his apt w/ that on the line? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

Mine would be fine without it right now--doesn't want to have sex and he isn't getting it somewhere else I don't think--last year when he was he stilled wanted it from me but not the lst few weeks when he was home.

Hi JT2,

Mine is weird like that too. He wanted sex from me when he was cheating unbeknown to me. When I discovered affair he wanted sex less. I think it is something about them getting two women at the same time turns them on. Sick. Thought makes me wanna puck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

How goes it JT2?

Hi albany,

you won't believe that I posted a very uplifting post only to find that I was not logged in. To make the story short I would like to say that I fell like a different person. I have asked the Lord to change me. I am at peace I think. I pray that my M works, but I am feeling the peace from above. I am not going to LB anymore I am going to let the Lord do his work.

So just keep praying for me.

JT

I will keep praying for you girl! I hope for the best and hope it works out (M). You deserve it.

Hi JT2,

I am trying to find peace too with all this chaos around me. Let God work the answer to our problems. Sorry about my prior post. I went back and read and realized I did not read everything or I would have made other comments. Anyhow I hope you get results you hope for this weekend concerning PI.

How goes it today JT2?? H stayed again last night--yours is where mine was a week or two ago--can they not stay in one place for any longer?

Hi Albany,

It is good to hear from you. I am trying to get past all this mess. My H is probably only staying so much now because we have my stepson for a month ( his visitaion time). But H still comes and goes as he pleases and really doesn't even expect me to ask him about it. I feel so used sometimes that it is unbareable. With whatever info the PI gives me then I know what I will have to do next plus OW is due in two weeks so that will be interesting to see what H does. I know it will not be good so.

I just think I better get a grip and move on with my life. It does not seem that he is going to come home and I am tired of extending that ionvite to him. I will not do it again, nor will I continue to wait for him. He says that I complain about the same things over and over, but I don't. Now I think this is an excuse. So why don't they ever just go on about there business and leave their wives alone if they don't want them?

I keep asking myself this question and am not coming up with any good answers. But I continue to pray and see what happens.

either way I will probably be sad.

JT

JT,

So sorry that H is not acting any better. He still didn't tell U where he lives?

Maybe U could try doing some or all of the 180's along w/ Plan A. If U need the list I will get it 4 U.

U R in my prayers, sweetie.

180's are working wonders for me right now and have worked in the past but I need to do them for longer--I always let up on them to soon.

I'm making my H do all the calling and not saying I love you--said that way too much and never get it in return--done with that.

Please try the 180's JT2--I see such hope for you and I wish your H would pull his head out.