Hi JT2,

I am so glad things are getting better for you. I had an anger spell this weekend. But I needed to get the anger out. We are OK.

Okay ladies I am a little scared here. My H has spent the night with us two nights in a row. I did not ask him to stay he just has. He has played with the children in the morning and helped get them ready for daycare. I don't know what is going on but I like it. I am afraid to be happy almost I am waiting for the bottom to fall out or the next big bomb to drop on me and the kids. I hope this is the will of god and not his guilty conscience. i need and want him to be with us but not at the cost of something else going on. I hope he is realizing that he needs to be home with us.

JT

JT

That is such great news! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay positive girl, don't let the enemy put any doubts in your head, God is working on H showing him that home is where he needs to be.

Prayer works!!!!

Yeah! Our H's are doing great. Keep up the good work and positive thoughts. It is a little scary isn't it.

Yes it is scary. The last time I thought we were making real progress and he was headed back home is when I found out that OW was pg. and that he was living with her while staying over all the time with me and the kids. I just hope that this is not what is going on and he realizes that he needs to be with his family. He has stated that he wants his family with me but really he is so confused he has not even made any decisions on what he is going to do about this girl and this baby.

I do know that if he wants to have contact I can not stay in this marriage. I will not allow my children to grow up subjected to what daddy has done nor will I live knowing that he is spending time with another fmaily. I lived it with my grandfather doin it to my mother and us. I will not allow that pain to settle in my kids lives I can't. Plus I do not want to have to look over my shoulder everytime the phone rings or the doorbell rings. I need some answers and I need them Quickly.

The thing is my H knows first hand the pain of Daddy cheating on mommy and having outside kids. His father did it and forgot all about them. Moved OW in and Raised their children. Did not even acknowledge my H and his siblings (5 Total). Just moved OW in and put his wife and kids out!!

So this should be a sore spot with him so we'll see how he handles it?

I don't know? But I am scared! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Back to the positive: H must have really missed us HUH?

JT

Hi JT2,

I feel sad for you for the uncertainty you are feeling. Sad that your husband went through that kind of pain as a child. I really think you should pray and put this in God's hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is too big for you. God can work on your husbands heart so he does not cause you and your children the same pain He and his Mom, and other siblings felt. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Hugs. On the positive note I am happy that your husband is staying with you but I can understand how scary this is for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you for the kind sentiment. I need it. Well I awoke again this morning to his face, but I am still afraid to be happy about it because I continue to look behind me. I hope he is rearing to come by testing the waters, but who knows it is just to hard. I can not live in the pain of what is now my life. I have enjoyed these few day tremendously and so have the kids. They need to see us together as a family bonding and loving each other.

I did LB just a little bit this morning after I received a pone call from a pay phone - when I answered they hung up the phone. so I asked him if he possibly knew who it was and why was I getting these hang up calls.

He said he did not know but I pushed and it turned into an arguement. So that was not good on my part because of course it ends up with D talk on both sides and I am tired of it.

He left for work and i did the same with the kids getting off to daycare. What will become of us I wonder? Is this right? Is this how it is suppose to be? Should I wait? What?

Don't know - just know I love him Still!!

JT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said he did not know but I pushed and it turned into an arguement. So that was not good on my part because of course it ends up with D talk on both sides and I am tired of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JT, don't fall into that trap, things r going well, can u call him & maybe say something sweet to him so that he wants to come home again tonite & stay. Just a thought.

U r on a positive streak don't blow it w/ LB's!!!

Remember Be a Lighthouse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i'll try He called me shortly after he left the house because he forgot to give me money for gas for my truck (SUV). I said that I didn't have any so he said he'll get it later.

I was nice but I don't know if it worked. I am so atupid and I let the devil ruin a perfectly good morning every time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am just weak and can't get out of it.

JT

Can I ask, JT, and you can TOTALLY tell me to mind my own effing business, but are you still taking your anti-d's? I know when I first came on these boards you were just beginning to or toying with the idea....anywho....take them! They will SO help you be able to keep your cool....Oh, and I've got a totally wicked trick I do on dh now - that WORKS - it was so hard at first, but instead of my knee jerk lbing, I'd ask a question of him that made him feel like he was "helping" me. Like instead of asking who could've been making those calls ('cause you and I both know who WE think are making those calls), tell him that the calls have been inconveniencing you, and does he know if it's possible to put a call block on a pay phone number. See? You're not blaming him per sey, and he FEELS like he might be able to help you solve this issue. Men LOVE to solve things. It's hardwired in.

- Kimmy

JT, Hey girl. How are you doing with the anger issues? Are you feeling better about them? I know its so hard. But you are going to have to stop the LB'ing. BREATHE! And when fire is coming out. BREATHE, until its gone. DONT say anything, until the fire breathing is gone! The ad's really do help. You have to take them and take them like it saids. But if they are making u feel funny tell your Dr. Shout at u in a while.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Okay,

All good things must come to an end. I have yet to understand why I do some of the things that I do. We had out of town visitors to spend the night with us on last night and of course this is the night that my H does not call or show up until after the kids and everyone else has gone to bed. My best friend that I visited this weekend was one of the guest ( of course she already knows what is going on, but another friend came and they do not). So needless to say it was very embarassing to me that he was not there or at least at a decent hour.

H came in at about 11:30pm and sat down stairs talking to my best friend which was fine because she will be honest with him and give good advice even when I don't want to hear it she'll give it impartially. She is a social worker so she knows the way children grow up in the system and relates to my H thought patterns sice he is a product of the system.

I have been handling this whole thing all wrong but I let my fear of what could happen cloud my future. I can not get past the pain that he has caused me and can't go forward because of that. I look at everythiong as a plot against me and I feel that it is consuming me. when he did come upstairs after talking to her for about an hour. He came to tell me that he was not going to stay he had some things that he needed to do. He then proceeded to kiss me and give me a bracelet that he bought to match the necklace he gave me on Mother's day. It was nice but I didn't even look at that I just honed in on the fact that he was not going to stay.

Of course I did it it just came out of my mouth with the brillient force that it has. I told him that I was tired of playing M and that I wanted out of this sham. I did not think it was good for the kids and I wanted to be free of the pain. I took this argument on outside to his car and did not let it go. I can't take anymore of this.

My friend, no my best freind then talked to me about what they discussed. She said that he told her that he did want to be with me and that he loved me and the kids, but needed to get things straightened out first. i have a very hard time dealing with that because I am not in control of the situation. She told me that I did put him out and gave him the freedom to roam around with no boundaries, plus in his mind he has been trown out one way pr anopther all of his life so he took it in stride and found someone that he thought he could love or give him the love that he so wants. Well that may be true but I don't know if I have anything else to give. I have supported him financially to the fullest and have had two beautiful children and now I am suppose to just let everything go and have his OC (if it is his) ans OW wreck that. I don't think So!!!

When I woke up this morning I turned on the TV and I swear this same mornign worship service ( not playing on a religious channel I must add) was talking about LOVE and FORGIVENESS!!! I have seen this same program every morning after I have had a bad night and find myself wanting to just sign the dam* papers. It is like a plague that is following me. I can not shake it. It has been on I know about ten times already. Sometimes I wonder if it is just playing on my TV.

I am a hopeless case and see no reason to even go there. I am tired of it all. I will talk to you all later - I also think that I will stop giving advice since I can't even follow any. I guess I am such a hypecrite!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Just thought you all should know this!!

JT

No your not. Things are so much easier said than done! Believe me. My mouth was bad! I would spit and spat about everything and knew what to say just to pe-o him! Words cut and you cant take them back. Oh you can say I didn't mean it, but the scar is still there. I have really learned alot since Jan. and learning more everyday. i thought when we where split "I don't even know the man I M". And guess what, I didn't. I didn't try to know him or his feelings. Now I want to know. Most of the time when we talk about Ow or I ask, I start out w/ you know I love you and you know I'm supporting you, I need to know this or that. Just like this morning. "C" is going to the doc, and I called and asked him, Do you feel like you need to go? Or do you want to. And be honest, I'm not mad or upset, just feel I had to ask. And he said no, didn't want to didn't need to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He went to the hospital last night, I was invited, he told her I was coming and she was ok w/ it. But I couldn't go. I didn't want her to get upset and something happen.
But he did put me first and was honest about everything. And rushed back home as soon as he knew the baby was ok. Called several times, ect. But the fact is, when this started, I would have NEVER done that. It takes work, you have to want it, he has to want it and both have to work at meeting in the middle. Good luck JT and I am praying for you. (((((JT))))))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.

Hi JT2,

UUrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!

Power just knocked computor off after I had everything typed the way I wanted it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway here goes again. I completely understand the anger thing. I was right with you last night. Husband was acting like a three year old, name calling. I had anger and rage to the point where I just wanted to kill him and get it over with. Just kidding, I would never kill anybody unless my life or kids life were threatened.
Anyhow, I am thinking. What if your husband finally means it that he will cut ties with OW? Your noble values evidently are not his. I am so sorry that he just thought you released him to do as he pleased. I guess still fog thinking. What if he is finally coming out of the fog? Just a thought. I just think his timeing is off. I think it was very cruel of him to spend a couple nights with you to get your hopes up and then let you down like this. He should have cut all ties before coming back to you in the first place. And the gift, that was like a slap in the face, like a gift was suppose to make it all better. JT2, I feel for you girl. I think I would be ready to kill him but it is only thoughts because I do not know if I could kill anybody. Anyhow if you really think he is ready to do the right thing then maybe there is hope after all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a hopeless case and see no reason to even go there. I am tired of it all. I will talk to you all later - I also think that I will stop giving advice since I can't even follow any. I guess I am such a hypecrite!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh sweetie...you are so....ME in the beginning. Don't you worry about hypocrosy....this thing you're going through - well, YOU have to feel your way through. What worked for you yesterday might make your skin crawl today. Baby steps here. And we are here. We'll listen and we'll lift you if you need help. The BEST part is, we UNDERSTAND your anxiety and frusteration.

Whatever you need, holler it at us.

- Kimmy

Hi JT2,

Are you OK? I am concerned for you.

Hi girls I am doing tolerable I guess - so don't worry much. I am here and still fighting the toughest battle of my life. One thing I don't think my H understands is that if this is his baby I will have to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can live with that I don't think that I want to. Always wondering if he will rekindles something with her or if he'll run to her if he's feeling neglected at home.

I can not do it - that is a miserable way to live and it scares me to even be in this situation. I wish it would just not be his - but that may be stretching things to much. I will talk to you all later not a good day for me the unkown is killing me.

JT

Let me assure you that you will NOT live w/ the anxiety for the rest of your life unless you want too!

It will pass w/ time. What you will live w/ is the memory but even that will fade.

I am one of many that are living breathing proof that you will survive this.

I have NO doubt in my mind that H will NEVER stray again & certainly not w/ OW! She is such an idiot I find absolutely NO threat in her. She is soooooo BENEATH me it is not even funny! She can't even begin to compare w/ me.

And I bet you are so much more than her too. I know you are. Even w/ the struggles you and H are going through right this minute where was he the other nights? In YOUR bed w/ YOU. Was he w/ OW? NO. If he wanted to be w/ her--he would. SO what? You can't control him. You did not force him to be w/ you the other night----he CHOSE YOU!

When you guys get back together and if C w/ OC is chosen, it will not be easy but it will be doable.

The way to feel secure is him making you secure. The way for him to make you secure in your marriage is you trusting him. It's a 2 way street. You will both have to work very hard @ first to get yourselves back to that place. But when your love bank is full------there is not doubt, insecurity or anxiety anymore. It's about meeting each other's needs.

When I start to feel doubt or something like that I examine what is gong on & I usually find that H & I have not had enough time toghether.

Don't be hopeless. Think rationally here. This anxiety you speak of will not be forever. Once you are back together & have the security of him being fully committed to you, family & marraige by living @ home, there will be lingering affects but they will fade & all will be restored.

I promise. I know you are hurting & soooooo beyond frustrated. Keep the faith & hang in there. It will not be forever.

You can do this. I know you can. You ahe come this far!
***********
***********
Did H give a reason for NOT continuing to stay the night? WTHEck? Did you tell him how enjoyable it was to have him back home? How much better the kids were for it?

No KT I did not thank him for staying over. I immediately got angry because he did not continue to do so. I think that I am not appreciative enough for him, but I do appreciate it. I have just been such a strong woman and have always had to be I am the only girl in a family of boys. So I am not as apprehensive about some things or even as soft about somethings as I should be. It is hard for me to show him that I need him becuse I a not use to needing anyone; I have never allowed myslef to need anyone. Now it is not just me and I need him for the kids and for myself.

He needs to be needed and appreciated a lot, but I see things as being what H are suppose to do and don't praise him for anything, and now when I do he does not know how to take it. He immediately jumps on the defense - so why bother with it. I am just going to get my heart right and move on - if he joins me so be it if not so be it!!

I know that he loves me just getting past this is the problem and now I am insecure about myself when it comes to him. Do I measure up, I'm a little heavier since the baby, so am I attractive? Things like that keep me feeling inferior to OW eventhough I have no clue what she looks like - ButI know my H!!

He keeps trying to say that I am going to cheat to get him back, but I am beyond that because it does not help anyhting. It won't even help me because I love him and only want him touching me or even talking to me. It's like he's waiting on me to do it so he can say I told yoi so. The bottom line is I did not and was not taking care of my man at home and he went elsewhere - And that bothers me.

KT I hope we make it!

JT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just going to get my heart right and move on - if he joins me so be it if not so be it!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY! That's EXACTLY the mindset you've got to have. I told dh straight out that I was tired of the fear of him leaving or re-cheating, and I was tired of me not being able to get on. I told him the family train is going on a trip of fun and living and he could either be on it or not...either way, it's pulling out of the station with the kids and I on it. Told him I'd be sad if he didn't stay, but I'm not going to quit breathing over it.... Guess what? He stayed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that he loves me just getting past this is the problem and now I am insecure about myself when it comes to him. Do I measure up, I'm a little heavier since the baby, so am I attractive? Things like that keep me feeling inferior to OW eventhough I have no clue what she looks like - ButI know my H!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a toughie - and it's something that HE can't help you with. YOU'VE got to get to a point where you're okay with yourself. Do you take ANY time for just you? You need to. Spa, join Curves - anything....shoot, go get a pedi. They are magic in themselves! If you do one thing a week for YOU, you'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel....but YOU have to be proactive on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He keeps trying to say that I am going to cheat to get him back, but I am beyond that because it does not help anyhting. It won't even help me because I love him and only want him touching me or even talking to me. It's like he's waiting on me to do it so he can say I told yoi so. The bottom line is I did not and was not taking care of my man at home and he went elsewhere - And that bothers me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dh said the same thing. Every time he said it, it killed me inside. To this day, I consider every guy I was ever "with" before him a collisal (sp?) waste of time. This knee jerk reaction and fear of you cheating is HIS problem and not yours. He is SO gonna have to work that out for himself! If you keep on trying, though and SHOW him you care, his fears will dissapate.

Lastly,

You told Genia to relax and try to have a great Holiday. You, my dear, need to heed your own great advice.

Love,
- Kimmy