Okay I need the 180 list girls. i don't know if it will help me any because I am at the end of my rope. I am worried about what the PI's report will tell me about my H where abouts. If he's still lying to me ladies then I will probably just curl up and die. I have the least amount of self esteem at this point and have constant stomach pains and queeziness. H has been home, but something comes up all the time and he goes out only to return later that night. I have just about had it. H claims that I am pushing him away because of all the talking and rpeating myself and questions, but hey I am not getting any answers. I mean not one single answer!!

He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor sometimes. I think that this might be to much for him to handle. I don't think that he probably wants to be the H that I need or want.

I am alone and at a loss. I will try the 180's and try to keep my mouth shut and just go on.

Keep praying for me,

JT

JT,


Sweetie I am so sorry U R not getting answers from H, I hope U do soon & I PRAY the PI doesn't confirm your worst fears, but JT even if he does U will get thru it, U R a strong woman & he that is in U is greater than he that is in the world,- don't 4get that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He acts like he is doing me some kind of favor sometimes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't tell U how many times I have felt this way & told H that 2. It is so frustrating the way they act sometimes. Keep praying, I will 2.

Here U go I hope this helps -

Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead orimplore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes his feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

BBGY~you were too fast for me--but JT I think these will help. Praying for you.

Well ladies the questions are answered. My H has still been involved with her. PI has confirmed that he does live with her after leaving me and the children at home. I got a call at 2:30am this morning from my attny - stating that he was at her house then. He'd left our home at 12:30am to get som clothes and was going to come back in a minute so he said.

My gut fellings were right all along. OW was not lying she was telling the truth. My question for her is still why is she around if she knows that he is with me most of the time and paying bills at our home. I just don't know? But I do know that when I left him a voice mail at 6:30am stating that I knew he was over there I also gave him her address to let him know that I was not exaggerating about knowing.

I am numb really. It took my breathe away at first but I just sucked it up and left it alone. I have not slept at all last night. I am not even angry anymore. Do you beleive that he still is denying it. He says that he was not there.

I don't think that I will ever be able to trust him to any degree anymore, plus I don't want my children to endure this anymore than they have to. If daddy is where he wants to be we will leave him there. I do not want to continue in a marriage where it is one sided. He does not show any affection towards me, nothing. I am probably going to file for D later this week. I am thankful I got this news after he gave me the mortgage money (ha ha). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So I probably will not be on here to much longer I have decided to put my weary heart to rest and move on with my life. Oh I did tell him when he called me back at 10:11am that I wanted him to be happy and if being with her makes him happy then he needed to do it. All I want is for him to be happy.

So whatcha think about all of this? please everyone chime in!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

JT

Just want to give you a big hug--what an A**HOLE!

So sorry--I'm not of a tend of help right now except to say you do what you need to do. Sorry, my own issues are consumming me--I pray for you and your children.

JT2~we are always here to listen.

I second the A*hole comment. I'd up it to WORLD CLASS A*Hole without ANY class!

Whatever. You whatever him to death if you have to - but fall into getting yourself some peace hon. You've damned well earned it, and he damned well blew it!

Please re-think about not posting - unless it just hurts too much. Your insight would be valuable to helping others, I think and you would be a beacon in someone else's dark times.

HUGS! It's gonna get better. YOU DID NOT BLOW THIS. HE DID. There is something better for you around the pike!

- Kimmy

JT,

I am so so so sorry about your news & I am mad for you that H chose to lie to you about such a major piece of information. I can't really advise you as to what to do at this point, only you know what you are willing to deal with at this point.

Just focusing on MY own experience if I were you I would Plan B instead of rushing into a divorce, but a real plan b with no contact what so ever if that is possible for you to do. Let him see what his life will be like without you in it & if he still refuses to end the A with OW then you know you have tried to make your M work.

Again I am so sorry H is putting you & your kids thru this bull*&#! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Praying really hard for you sweetie.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

JT,

I am so so so sorry about your news & I am mad for you that H chose to lie to you about such a major piece of information. I can't really advise you as to what to do at this point, only you know what you are willing to deal with at this point.

Just focusing on MY own experience if I were you I would Plan B instead of rushing into a divorce, but a real plan b with no contact what so ever if that is possible for you to do. Let him see what his life will be like without you in it & if he still refuses to end the A with OW then you know you have tried to make your M work.

Again I am so sorry H is putting you & your kids thru this bull*&#! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Praying really hard for you sweetie.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi JT2,

I read your post earlier and tried to post but it would not go through and then I got kicked off. Sorry. I feel so bad for you. I know it hurts like heck. Your husband kept blaming you for not coming home and all along it was his excuse to keep cake eating. I am so so sorry. I wish you guidance to do the right thing and I hope you do visit us every now and then.

{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}

JT - So sorry that this is happening to you! Time for you to decide what is best for JT. You know that you have done everything possible to save your M. Find peace in that and know that you are a remarkable and strong woman to make it this far. So many would have given up long ago.

That said, I do agree with BG that maybe you ought to try Plan B for awhile at least. Let the emotion of the moment settle and take the time while you are in Plan B to think through your options. There is always time for a D later.

How did your H react to the news you knew the OW's address and that that is where he is staying? It just might be enough to burst his fantasy bubble. If he is truly faced with losing his family, who knows what he might do?

It is all up to you. If you have had enough, then you know we will all support you. Just please take your time with any decision. Don't jump into a decision based on the raw emotions of the moment. Pray for strength and guidance. God is always there for you. He will not forsake you. At this point, He is the only one you can fully trust.

Again, so sorry. Please keep posting no matter what. We need you still, and you need us. We are "Sisters of the Fire".

WHAT A FREAKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe he would STILL try to lie! I jsu tdon't get it! IF you want OW--then leave & be w/ her, like we would try to stop them-whatever!---but why keep lieing & coming over & buying stuff for your house? that is soooooooo wierd! I will never understand that. I will never understand A to begin w/!

I am sooooooo sorry. I was really hoping it would not be true. I feel for you-I am right there w/ you hun. Seriously.

You are not alone. You are a creation of God, NOT your H. You are not what your H thinks of you so don't even hold onto any of that. YOu are what God has created & you will become what He wants you to be Jt.

Hang in there. God will see you through this, no matter how alone you may feel & you have all of our support too.

But I won't lose faith for you. I will keep hoping-------I believe in miracles--I have seen them w/ my own eyes & felt them within my own heart.

We're here for you girl...every step of the way!

Sincerely, ktb

Hi girls,

I don't think that H is going to change. I am holding on to nothing apparently. I was going to rush out again and file for D, but decided I think to wait at least until my SSon is gone back to his mother. That leaves my H one month before I am gone. He acts like he really does not care about losing us. He still defends her and everything. I told him that the grass is not always greener on the other side - do you know he had the gall to agree with me.

I just think that I am being the biggest fool there ever was. I feel as though my self esteem has gotten so low that I am afraid of being alone - without him. I know that I am an attractive woman I just can't believe that he could continue to betray me that way. I feel as though he thinks I have taken it for this long then he'll just keep on doing it. I feel like an AS#$ole myself. I am torn because I want to believe him but is it because I am afraid to be alone?

I feel as though I am not listening to GOD. I hear everyone else saying that he is never going to change because I have allowed him to continue what he is doing this long. But where does the road end - When is the pain going to stop. If I move on now without notice does that really help me deal with the pain. Will I just keep harboring it over and over. I feel like H does not want me!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If so what am I doing, but looking like a fool, a desperate fool!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Then what am I really losing I have nothing, haven't had for a long time now. I am deciding to shut my mouth and listen, GOD is talking but I am not hearing. I am tired of feeling like the victim and crying all the time. I don't want this baby to be in my life at all. I know that! H is not going to be able to do what he needs to do for me - he doesn't hink he has to. He said just this morning that he was not going to be reporting to any woman about his whereabouts and so on. I don't think he wants us at all.He continues to disrespect our home and me for that matter.

What do I do now is the question - Where do I go from here? I am not going to make this decision out of anger - I made that mistake once.

Niosgirl, KT, what did your H say made them wake up and realize what they had at home?

Would they ever cheat again?

need prayers and help,
JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi JT2,

Get a hold of yourself girl. You are a beautiful person. You are only feeling this way because of all the negative talk you hear from your husband. There are men I am sure who would love to be your partner. Maybe you could do Plan B and your husband would miss you. I do not know. You cannot beleive your husband because he has been lying to you. Your husband really does not even deserve you. You got to get a hold of yourself and beleive in yourself that you can be happy without your husband. You are not less of a person just because your husband is too blind to see what he has. I think it is time for plan B if you can do one. You do need to give yourself a space anyhow before you look for somebody else. Then during this time your husband just might wake up to reality and to what he lost in you. Just maybe OW might do some lovebusting. Just maybe he will realize the grass is not greener after all. But if he comes running back to you. Do not take him back right away. Tell him he has to prove to you he has changed. And if he does not come back, say Whatever! His Loss! Got it!

The only Plan B i can do would be to leave the house when he comes over. I need his assistance on the mortgage right now. I would love to change my locks again, but at this time my stepson is there with us and he would truly let my H in and plus I do not want to get the children caught up in the battle.

I can not call him or even talk to him, but what else could I really do. If I wait until my stepson is gone then maybe I could do more, but my H will not stop coming to the house anyway. So I have no real way of even getting this done and if so would he only be there to be doing things behind my back. I feel as though I am in a lose lose situation here.

Where the heck is my peace of mind>

JT

Hi JT2,

I am sorry. You can win. I would use this time to file for child support. Also get separation papers and set up visitation. That way you can get your money and he cannot sit on the fence anymore. You will have visitation in writing. He will no longer have the kids as a wager to get what he wants from you. He seems to just want to keep you in case it does not work out with other woman. You do not want that. JT2, you can win if you look at things differently. Start thinking independently and not like you need your husband. You do not need him with him treating you like he is. The saying is, "You can do bad by yourself." But you can also do better by youself. JT2 you know what you have to do. I know it is hard and I feel for you. Keep checking in. I may need you to pick me up down the road.

Ok here's the deal-----your H will never choose until he is put into a position that he is forced to choose. Right now-he is getting everything he wants----BOTH of you plus the kids.

YOu need to set some healthy boundaries for your sanity & mental safety. He is straight faced lying to you-you have the proof you need from the PI. The reason your self-esteem is so low is becasue you are allowing yourself to be treated like a DOOR MAT & you know it.

STAND UP and get moving. I don't care if ss is there or not---BOUNDARIES--- put a limit on his time w/ the kids--he CANNOT be allowed to just come & go as he pleases. Send ss w/ H or back to mom-----you need to do this. I don't care if ss needs you--you have nothing to give right now---ss needs his father to act like a MAN not the jerk he is being. H needs to deal w/ this & you are not helping by being a doormat!

You need to get ss out, set up a schedule for H to see kids----out of the house or w/o you in it. I am dead serious. Are you a WOMAN or a MAT? Your H needs a WIFE not a clingy unhealthy person!

Start making decisions for YOU. If h insists on visitng w/ kids @ your house--------LEAVE---go get a pedicure---some thing that makes you sit there for a certain amount of time.

I am serious here jt. Get w/ the program. You need to help H face reality------if not--you are just ENABLING his unhealthy & disrespectful behavior. OW is not that strong either or she would have made him choose a loooooooong time ago too. Neither of you are doing that so..he gets to keep doing whatever he wants.

H is in his 'child ego state' right now, not acting like an adult! He's not gonna 'report to no woman'? uh hello? can you say rebellious teenager? What an idiot! It's common courtesy you are requesting-------dear it's time to stop 'requesting' and GROW A BACK BONE!!!!!!!!!

YOU CAN DO THIS! Stop thinking of everyone else & start thinking of YOU------you HAVE to do this jt.

And this low self-esteem thing? hello again? is anyone listening-it's NOT about YOU-it's about your selfish H---he is doing this for HIM not because of you! Please, you've seen our pictures....do you think ALL of us have these strikingly beautiful OW? HECK NO!!!!! We are all regular people & attractive-----it's not about that-----it's about LUST & selfishness, PRIDE----

SO get that out of your head & start standing up for yourself. I bet when you do-----you will feel the 'self-esteem' coming back too!
********
********
I really have no idea what made my H wake up because I never knew of A until way after it had supposedly ended. He says it was when OW said, 'I'm pg so if your gonna leave your W, now would be the time'.........he said in that moment when he felt like he HAD to choose-----reality was---it was me & son he wanted NOT OW & baby he didn't even know.

I think it was the being FORCED to choose, if OW had not gotten pg & things could have just gone on as they were------A would not have ended. who knows but that is how things played out for us so that is what I think. Then w/ H returning to me---& him really being able to see me for who I really am & for what I am really made of-----there was NO comparison for OW when we started C w/ OC. HE couldn't beleive he would have ever been attracted to THAT person!

Stop HANGING in there and START CLIMBING up the rope!

okay Kt I called the attny and am having her get the papers filed. I do not want to file for legal seperation because she stated that it takes just as long as D would through the system, Plus if he chooses to go along with it then it is for the best. You are right I must stand up for myself, I have allowed him to run over me to long now, and he expects me to do so. If I do it like this I can file for emergency CS and visitations, so that will outline for him just what he will have to do in the future.

I don't think he thinks I have the guts to leave him, but I am tired of letting him walk all over me, plus this is putting an undue hardship on my kids. H has also been taking up residence elsewhere so he really does not want us anyway or he could not leave us. OW says she does not want him or need him yet she has not put him out or let him go. I do not need this pain or aggrivation any longer and by GOD's laws adultery is okay to divorce the spouse. I know he wants it to work but if the spouse is not willing to return home to his family then there is really no other choice. H claims that I have not changed and he is not coming home until I do, but what has he changed nothing he is still doing the same thing he was a ear ago when it all started.

Thanks,

I have gotten my backbone back. Plus what can I loose I don't have him now do I?

JT

Hi JT2,

You have had to put up with way too much. You go girl. KT you are so good at laying things out like they are. I do not have much time to post but I hope everything works out for you.
{{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks Genia,

KT, AD, BBYG, KRIS, NIOSGIRL, ALBANY, & etc any comments or suggestions PLEASE!!!

JT,

I can't tell you anymore than KT already did. You should get your legal affairs in order, CS & vistiation & Plan B his butt. As KT said HE HAS TO BE FORCED TO CHOSE, this will do it one way or another, he has to know that he can't continue to be a cake eater especially since he lied about his living situation. As long as he knows he can live w/ OW & still come home to you and make plans for the future he will & of course OW will allow it cuz she wants WANTS HIM TO STAY RIGHT WHERE HE IS!!! I don't care what she says she wants her baby's daddy w/ her. She know he still has contact w/ you but she will accept it cuz he lives w/ her & she feels she has the upper hand right now.

In my situation H lived w/ OW for 8 months, I allowed myself to stay in that situation until I couldn't take it anymore & gave him a deadline to come home or I was done, & guess what -- he left OW & came home to me just me, so I know it was not because of our children he left his only child so I know your bond w/ your H is even stronger because of your children. Looking back I should not have tolerated H living with OW 8 days much less 8 months - don't let H put you thru this crap another minute sweetie.

This doesn't have to be the end of your M, but you have to call the shots from now on, H has done it long enough. Who knows if you give H a taste of how life will be w/o you in it, it will wake him up, as long as you go along w/ this sick game it will go on please believe me.

Be strong, do what you have to do for yourself & your kids. I am praying your strength, I know you know that God sees all that you are going thru & he is with you even when you think you are all alone. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}