Thank you for the concern and advice. I do believe that my H is really not wanting to be married. He still even says that he is not going to be checked or questioned everytime he leaves the house. Well where the heck are you going at 12:30 am, and why are you coming home at 3:30 am. H still does not live in the house with us and makes no apologies for not coming home. He says he'll come home when he is good and ready and not any sooner. So I think he has really been kind of telling me that he is going to do what he wants to do no matter what.

so I have concluded that he is really doing just what he wants to do. Even if this woman was not pg i believe that he would just as soon get someone else. He still calls me names when he gets angry and even tells me that he doesn't care about me just the kids. His actions say that that might as well be true. I am waiting on someone that does not want to be happy with me. So no matter what I may think about OW I have suspected even before her that he was having an A. So I think that I am dealing with someone who wants to be out in the street doing whatever he wants to do.

I must take control of my life, I am the only one that can make me happy. I must recognize not to accept just anything that someone wants to trow at me. I have been looking out for everyone else for to long and no one cares or gives a rats a$$ about me. So I have to take this step and move on. Plus my H has provwen that he wants to keep everything about this girl and the baby a secret, he does not and has not discussed anything with me about anything - Not from the beginning of all this. It has been going on for too long now and not one inch of progress has been made. So I think that I am doing the right thing for me and the kids, but it is going to be hard because I still love him even though I have come to realize that he is not the best thing for me, nor does he want the love and life that I am offering to him.

We are not only on two different pages but reading from two different books. The bottom line is He does not love me enough to let this OW/OC go. So I must let it all GO.

Thank you,
JT

JT2

He very well could love you but he doesn't see it right now because he was gettign the best of both-but you still have to start moving on and doing PB or starting D process it just may make him wake up and realize the love he does have--but you take control of the situation now and either way you win. Either you get him back or you move forward without him and get your life back.

JT2 BIG HUGS and one more thing-you have to keep posting and keep us updated because you are one of our friends girl!

JT - I have been reading your posts at work and trying to think all day what to say. You are right, it is time for you to look out for you. I would definitely plan b. If your H doesn't want to be home, then give him what he wants, his freedom. I am not saying D, but Plan b and cut him off. Make arrangements so he can still see the kids - I would say outside the home. Why let him have all the comforts of home if he doesn't want to be there? Let him take the kids - anywhere but OW's house - and let him play the single dad.

As far as you, you need to focus on pulling yourself together. One thing that I have learned on this "journey" is that my life and my existence does not revolve around my H. I was always focused so much on the "us", that I lost me along the way. Since my H has moved out in Feb., I have discovered that I am stronger than I ever thought. I can and I will survive in this world with or without my H (still preferrably with). What has helped me so much is turning to God. I know we are all experiencing this in our lives - but I think that is definitely where the healing starts. A strong M needs a foundation in God or it simply will not work. The same is true for the individual. You simply will not be happy in life without God.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our love for H's, kids, money, job, etc, that we lose focus on the most important love - God's. Believe me when you focus on God's unconditional and sacrificial love it changes everything. Think about it - God loves us dispite all our faults. He loves our H's despite the A's. He wants us all to turn to him and be saved. He loved us so much, he sacrificed his son's life so that we would be saved. How many of us would give up our kids for the good of all? That is just awesome.

Our job in this life is not to live for us. We are to be a reflection of God's love to others. Once you find that love and are truly absorbed by it, it changes you in so many positive ways. And guess what happens as a result? People take notice. Your H will notice the change and it will have a positive impact on him. Have faith - just because you see all these horrible things that your H is doing doesn't mean God is not working on him. Keep praying. Like BG always says, God can do everything but fail. He knows our every thought and action before we do. He can most certainly save your M. Put your faith and trust in God and fight all those fears, doubts, and anger. Those things just throw us all off track. Focus on your healing and then you can reach out to your H. It is so hard knowing that he is still with OW. But you just have to put that out of your mind right now and focus on you.


Right now - your H is still too self absorbed and lost in fogland. I think he still has feelings for you or he would not hang around so much. Sometimes part of loving someone is letting them fall on their face. It is not our job to save them, but to help guide them back to God. But you can't force it on them. And before you can even begin to guide them, you have to put yourself back together. You are hurt and angry. Those feelings do not come from God. It takes a conscience effort to focus on the good. You can choose to let your H's actions continue to hurt you or not. Draw your strength from God - don't let the hurt weaken you. Its about choices. What do you want? I have choosen not to let the hurt and anger take over. When I feel it creeping back into my heart, I pray. Just that simple.

I hope this makes sense. I have all these thoughts running through my head and I can't always get them down on paper (or cyperspace).

Bottom line, if you love your H and want your M, you need to step back and start rebuilding on a firmer foundation. Start with yourself. Once you do this and your H is away from his family for awhile, I think you will notice a change. Kick him off the fence - even if it means he goes to the other side for awhile. Keep praying for him, because he cannot resist God forever. Pray that God changes his heart and opens his eyes. It may take awhile - there are definitely no quick fixes in this situation. But your M is worth the time and effort, even if you are the only one trying right now. With God's help, you can have your H and M back.

Hope this helps. I hope I wasn't too preachy - just how I think and feel these days.

All my love and prayers!

<small>[ July 29, 2004, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: KrisM ]</small>

Hi JT2,

I hope you are feeling OK. The emotional abuse your husband is dishing out to you is so similar to what my husband is dishing out to me. It makes you feel so unloved. I guess we need to love ourselves till we find somebody else to help love us. I feel your pain so deeply because I go through some of it. I hope it gets better for you every day.
{{{{{{{{{{{JT2}}}}}}}}}}}

JT,
I am so sorry for you and if you need anything I am here for you too. I don't know what to say except, I think you are doing the right thing by contacting your atty.

I don't know what State you are in so I am confused by what your atty. told you. A sep. in my State must be for 1 year before the D is final. However, there is also a Limited Divorce in which CS, custody, use and posession of the home are set-up, etc. This is important in that if you get to the CS first, then OC's CS is determined based on what H provides you. I would also ask your atty. about abandonment. I know H has been around the house but you never knew where he was, can't that count for something?

I filed for a limited divorce last year, we were to go back to Court on it in July before I dismissed it. Wish I would not have done that. When I filed last year, I never felt so in control of my own life and destiny. It is empowering and I have to say that H was crumbling by the power I had within myself. I just gave in way too soon.

I feel some of what you are feeling. You still want your family but it's killing you trying to keep it. No need to do that to yourself. Make the move, keep it going and don't look back until you see BIG changes, and even then think twice.

Pick up the book I have if you are having a difficult time. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" Reading it is starting to open my eyes. It may help you, it may not, just a thought.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can stay strong. If you need anything, let me know.

thanks girls,

I appreciate your support. I think that it is just time for me to call it quits. I have given him the chance to make things right but he really does not want to obviously. I will not remain with him and he wants contact. I can not take that pain plus to me it proves that he will never be away from the mother. He is not even willing to talk about her in a negative light so why the heck would I put myselft through any more pain and suffering. besides my kids are getting older day by day and are coming to the realization that sdaddy does not stay at home with them.

So it's time for me to live for me and get going on what I need to do for me.

JT

Hi JT,

How are you doing. Are you feeling better?

Hi,

I am feeling a little disconnected this morning, but I feel like I am finally in control of my life. I am going through with the divorce I filed on Friday, H came home late last night as usual. It doesn't even bother me anymore. He wanted SF I said no I didn't want to ( plus my attny said that I could not engage in it with him anymore or it could hurt my case). I didn't even want to actually. I told him to go and get it where ever he'd been getting it, I was not interested and the funny thing is is that I am not.

I still love him, but I am not going to do it with him just when he wants to. He has no concern for me in that aspect anyway - it has been two weeks since the alst time. I should not have to be involved in sparatic sex with my H. He## I should be getting it every night.

He asked me who I was sleeping with then if I did not want to do it with him. I told him no one I was not going to wait on him any longer to make up his mind. I told him I was not going to do this anymore - I was filing for a Divorce. He sadi you want to destroy this family like that. i told him I was not going to share my H with anyone anymore. If you wanted to have two families he would have to do it without us. I also reminded him that we did not step out on him he left us and started a new life and family.

I told him he made the choice I did not, but I was going to deal with it. He is really going to be shocked when he gets served. I am going to live my life and be happy. My H has been living a double life for the past 16mos that I know about. He may have been doing this my entire marriage he just finally got caught.

I want a H who wants to come home to me and the kids, who loves to be in my presence at all times. A husband that I can share my dreams with and trust that I am the only one that he wants. I don't have that so I need to move forward in order to be happy. I have prayed for peace and the Lord has granted me that. I do not cry, and feel pressure in my chest anymore. I don't call him and ask him when he's coming over, better yet I don't even call him anymore, I don't get upset thinking that he is with her. She is due on Wednesday of this week and I am not feeling any anxiety about it - That's how I know that I must be doing the right thing. Last week I could not breathe - today I can smell the roses.

Making a choice for me was the best thing I could have ever done. I refuse to be trampled on anymore. I wish him the best and much happiness in his future endeavors; I also wish myself the same! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you all for everything,

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Hi JT,

I am so glad you stood up to him. I beleive I would have done the same thing under similar circumstances. I am very proud of you. You will come out of this fine. Later when you are ready you will find a man who is good to you. I am so happy you are able to cut loose. It was very disrespectful for your husband to offer you SF knowing you knew he was with OW.
{{{{{{{{{{JT}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi JT2,

Read my thread. you will see I am in much the same boat as you. Gonna get my ducks in a row for Plan B. In my state you have to separate for a year before divorce. How are you holding up?

JT,
You did the right thing. I need to be there too. Hang on, you will be fine.

I was beginning to think you girls forgot about me. I haven't heard from any of you other than genia in so long. I need to be encouraged so please don't go without dropping me a line every now and then, but thanks for your support it means a lot to me!!

JT

on one of the threads you posted on this morning I asked if you got D papers served to him yet?

Eager for an update.

no albany I am sorry I did not see your post, but no he has not gotten served yet. I did tell him this morning that I was not going to live like this any longer and he just kind of shrugged it off - so I said okay.

But I did call my attny this afternoon and she is going to check and see when he'll be served for me if it is not today then the beginning of next week is the day!!

I am nervous and proud of myself at the same time. I warned him this morning so he could not say it was such a shock and go crazy. I am just sick that I have to go through this, but it is what is best for me, and probably him too. He'll now realize that he just lost the best thing that ever happened to him - us. Please keep up with me for I will need all of your support - this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it not only effects my life but my little ones as well.

Keep me in your prayers as I will you.

Albany I know you may not want to do it , but you have to take control of your life. I am here if you need me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT

I'm okay JT--I'm curious to see how it goes OW--I know she is a money grubbing welfare bi***. When she chose to keep baby H said to her you will end up on Welfare and she kept saying she won't. Look where she is.

H & I are getting money from selling last semi and it will pay off our two credit cards completely that are in my name so after that I may have to le thim have it if he makes no changes in the next week or so--he is settign up IC for him soon I think.

Albany,

I hope that he gets better, but if he does not it is time for you to make a move. I am with you girl, no one should be as unhappy as we have been for the rest of their lives. We have got to take it back, and be the best that we can be.

JT

Hey JT--are you going to be around tonight?--maybe I will see you in the chat room. Let me know girl.

Yeah I'll be around and I'll see you there!!

JT,

So sorry you have to go thru this, D is not pretty. I was praying H would come to his senses & he still may. Don't blame you for not waiting around though, but have you thought of doing Plan B with a legal sep. instead of a D?

Just a thought.

Hugs to you sweetie.

Praying hard for you.