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Kris,
I have never been on this late but I am realyy hurting tonight. ( read my thread for details) But I feel like you do I am trying to control the situation. I too need to let God take control. I have been stressing myself out with this whole thing when I think my H is just waiting it out. I don't need to do this anymore. I am wearing myself out. I have got to have some sort of peace!! I am killing myself trying to fix it when I think I might be making myself even sicker in the process.
But I am tired also so I am going to bed alone yet again!! gotta love it huh!
jt
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Kris,
I hope you are having a better day today, yes doubt will drive you over the edge it you let it. I still believe God will not give you more than you can bear. I also know that God will not allow this to go on forever especially since you child is hurting & too young to handle all this.
Turning it back over to God is the best possible plan now, I don't know when God is talking to me or I am just doing what I want to do. Does H know how much he is tearing your family apart, especially your D? I hope someone else can give you better advice, I really don't know what to say anymore, unless you are thinking of Plan B to help wake H up or help you both to move on, at this point other than wait & pray, what else can you do???
Talk to you later.
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Hi Kris,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes I think God gives us hardship to make us stronger people and so we can help others. If this had not happened to me I would not know how to empathize with others. I used to want to be a counselor and maybe that is what I should do. I have been hit with just about anything I can be hit with. I just pray that you will be strong and that God will be with you to help you bear it. My children are 9 and 10 now but I can remember the toddler stage how hopeless and depressed I got. I have one son who is ADHD so you can imagine. My kids actually hit me when they were 2 and 3. ((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))
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This devotional was in my email Friday - I just now read it. The timing of these messages are incredible - God is truly amazing.
************************************************** God Works For Goo (17 June 2004)
"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him."
- Romans 8:28
Sometimes it's hard to see; impossible to see. The more extreme the circumstances, the harder it seems to believe. "What possible good can come from this?" And yet it does ... good does come from the most devastating experiences, and from the most desperate times ... if we don't give up.
Our faith says that always, in the midst of challenges, in the face of catastrophe, there is a subtle working out of the good. Even in the depths of the "bad," in pain and in suffering, in loss and disappointment, in failure and in illness and grief and despair. Our Scripture tells us that God is always working for the good, in ALL things, for those who love Him and place their trust in Him.
It remains for us to trust, and to trust patiently. And we must reconcile with the fact that the good God is working toward may transcend this life entirely. For now we see only "as through a glass, dimly;" in time, we will see clearly. Weeping lasts but for a night; joy comes in the morning.
A Prayer for Today: God give me patience to endure. I am fearful and angry at the trouble that surrounds me. Help me to keep my trust in you, my trust that you are ever present, and always working for the good, in all things. amen
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Friday night after I was done posting, I opened my Bible and asked God for some sort of message. I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 33. The title for the chapter is "Promise of Restoration". Is that a message or what?? Verses 6-9 reads, "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from capitiviy and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it."
This message really touched me. I still have a lot of things to work through. I think I need to concentrate on getting myself back on track right now. I pray that God will forgive me for the doubts I have been having and that he will lead me back down the right path. Its so hard to escape these feelings of anger and hopelessness. So that is what I will be doing for right now. Concentrate on me and kids. H has his own issues to work through himself. I will continue to pray for him, but for now he is on his own. I need to pull myself together before I will be any good to my M. I trust God will lead me where I need to be. I hope that H will listen and follow also. That is between H and God. Talk to you all later. Hope you weekend is wonderful.
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Hi Kris,
I am glad you are feeling better. I really do hope things get better for you soon.
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KrisM
I hope you had a great weekend. I really hope it gets better and every night I think of all of you guys before I go to bed alone.
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Hey girls, Sorry I haven't been around.
I guess I get to jump boards. H has filed.
Isn't that a real kick in the butt? I thought I was doing everything right - being supportive, trying to be patient, showing him how good family life is, praying for him, trying to show him what God has planned for us as H and W, etc. I guess I should have been more manipulative and conniving like OW - because in the end she wins.
Good luck to you all. Maybe I'll see you around.
Oh, guess how H broke the news to me? Email of course. There's sensitivity for you. And by the way, he is doing what is best for the kids. Go figure - I thought a strong family life would be best.
Gives a whole new meaning to Independence Day!! <small>[ June 28, 2004, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: KrisM ]</small>
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Kris,
I am so sorry to hear that news. I don't know what to say other than I am praying for u & H still.
Don't stop posting here, we all need each other, & it ain't over til God says so.
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KrisM~
So sorry to hear that but don't give up yet unless you want to--my H filed and we were all done with D papers and I signed them and he couldn't do it and he is the one that started the D process and filed. THinking of you.
Big ((((HUGS))))
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KRISM,
Just because he filed does not mean that he'll go through with it. Keep praying and being the best that you can be. I filed when i first found out and rscinded it a month later because my H asked me to work on it. He did not want to throw it away. I did. so filing does not mean a thing until the ink is dry and the courts have approved it. Your H may not know what he is doing right now so you just keep the faith and hold your head up.
Kepp posting we still need you and you have become part of our femilies as well.
Love Ya Lots, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> JT
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Hi KrisM,
I am so sorry. I think your husband feels so guilty for what he did. I beleive he does not think he is good enough for you. I am so sorry for the pain and rejection you are feeling now. I think you should try and do as much for yourself and for your kids now to feel as good as you can about you. Look for activities in your community to keep you and your kids busy having fun. My prayers are with you.
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Thanks girls for all the support. I am along way from giving up. I was just taken back a bit because I really felt that things were getting better between us.
H says that people kept saying he needed to make a decision, that he felt this was best for kids (which I have disputed already), that he does not trust himself, that he does not think he can be happy, etc. This list goes on. When I question him about things, his answers are vague. I think there is more going on here. I am not sure if OW has pressured him into it or if its just the guilt that he is having trouble facing. I know that he has said over and over and over again that people will not accept OC, that they won't be able to handle the fact that he got OW pregnant. Maybe the fast approaching due date has sent him over the edge. I don't know!!!
Anyway, I told H I would not sign anything or agree to anything until he and we get some counceling. He has problems that he is not dealing with and I think he is just too proud to say the he needs help. It is just so much easier to walk away. I almost feel like this is a self inflicted punishment for everything - that he thinks he doesn't deserve his family because of his mistakes. I am just guessing. Maybe he just doesn't love me and wants to be with OW. All I know is that he is giving me a bunch of lame excuses and my family is at stake. I will not sit idly by and let him break us up until he has made an effort. Hopefully he will agree to try. He did say he had 60 days to change his mind. See, he makes comments like that and makes me think that he is just not sure what he wants. I don't think he needs to jump into D without a little effort to fix our problems. Moving out of house and staying gone for 6 months with no counceling or effort doesn't cut it.
I stopped at pastors house on Tues after work to talk to him. He didn't sound real hopeful, but said he would talk to us on Thurs if H would agree to make an effort. H said he would go, but I think that is to get me off his back. I am going to continue to push for MC and IC. I am hoping pastor will back me up and help talk him into it. H can get counceling at work for all of us for free and refuses to try. I don't know if I can legally force him into it, but if I have too I will. I hope he will go willingly, because I think if I have to force the issue, he will be less likely to make a true effort.
That is where things stand for me right now. Please pray for me and pray that H will open his eyes soon.
I prayed Monday night for strength to get through this, I woke up with a great sense of peace. I don't know what the end result will be, but I know God is on my side and he will not forsake me. He will protect me and the kids, and I know we will be alright. I still pray that will be as a whole family, but if not, I know better things are in store for me.
Please, please keep me in your prayers. I could use all the extra help I can get right now.
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am praying for u & your family. I hope things go well for u w/ the MC & that H agrees to see a MC & or IC on a regular basis.
I think 2 that maybe he is just overwhelmed w/ guilt & doesn't know what 2 do, & of course the easiest route, or so they think, is to run.
God can do anything but fail, I pray he will touch your H's heart & mind & reconcile your family.
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Hi Kris~
I'm sorry to see your sad update. I'm glad though, that you're not just accepting it, and that you're still willing to fight for your M.
It's a good move to try to get him into counseling before going straight to D. I am praying he will submit to it. I'm concerned about your Pastor not sounding very hopeful though. He may not be the best one to counsel you all, if he's going in with an already unhopeful attitude, kinda like he thinks it's useless, and you guys are doomed. I know how much my Pastor hates divorce, and in his estimation there aren't many reasons a M should end. Of course, unrepentent adultery is one of them.
It would be awesome if you could guys could counsel w/ Steve Harely or Jenn. Have you ever looked into them? They have been the source of saving countless M's, even ones that seemed "hopeless", and on the brink of D. I've heard many reports that Steve is especially good with men who resisted counseling, whether the man be the WH or the BH. You can get some info, and at least call the 1-800 by clicking on Counsel at the top of the page.
There is so much on your H's mind right now. He might be trying to in some way, get some things "settled", and off his plate, or something.
If I could talk to him in person, I would urge him not to be swayed by what other people say and think. DON'T let that dictate these life decisions he's making, for crying out loud! He need only be concerned with what you and his children think and say. He did an awful thing, but if he's repented, and sought forgiveness from God, and you, that's all that matters.
Let others talk...that's their problem...not his, not yours.
In the meantime, keeping doing Plan A concepts. You are his wife. Be his wife, and be the best damn one you can be...never mind the circumstances.
It ain't over yet, not by a long shot.
I bet you haven't even seen any fat lady practicing do-re-me's backstage yet, have you? <small>[ July 01, 2004, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>
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Hi Kris,
I am remaining hopeful for you. My prayers for you. Hugs
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Genia, BG, and AD: Thanks so much for continued support.
Tonight H and I met with pastor. But first, when I got home, I had a card for certified mail. Guess what? I was officially served. Wasn't quite the thing I needed going into meeting with pastor. Then I tell kids that H and I are going to talk to pastor and DS starts in on comments about how he is glad dad is getting help so he will come home. Says he has thought of things to get dad to come home - clean bedroom, candy, etc. This poor little guy is bending over backwards trying to get daddy home. I sure don't want to have to tell him daddy isn't coming home. Well, between the mail and DS's comments, I am in tears shortly before we are set to go to meeting. I go up to bedroom and pray that God will give me strength and composure to pull myself together - God is so good - I felt so much better by the time we left.
Long story, short. We get to church and pastor is in a hurry because lady from church passed away and needs to get to family. But he still finds some time for us. He talks to H about covenant of marriage and how, according to God, he has no choice but to stay in this marriage (he didn't make it sound so harsh - just explained God's POV on M). Talked about that for awhile and how H is so lucky to have a W who loves him and is willing to forgive him. Talked about how all M go through rough times, but because of the covenant of M, you work out the problems and through God find great happiness together. Basically, he is saying just stick out the bad times, and good times will follow. Asked H some questions, basically found out that he is having a hard time forgiving himself.
H and I talked a while when we got home. Basically said that I thought he needs to seek more IC to help with what he is going through. Says when he is home, feels good for awhile, then he feels like the walls are closing in. Asked him to put off D and try to get help dealing with guilt and finding forgiveness in himself. Didn't really get a reply from him. I just pray that something reached him tonight. Asked him what his next step was, still no response.
I don't know ladies. I feel there is hope, but I think that if I back off now, he will let IC slide and he will be done. But how can I get him to go w/o forcing him? I know there is only so much I can do. Just told him I was here for him if he needed to talk or wanted me to help.
Please keep praying for us. I so believe in the power of prayer. It helped Sunny last night.
Support from family and friends is starting to dwindle. I need you girls more than ever. No body seems to understand why I want to save this M. Its not just my M I am saving, its a family, its my H, its everything that is important to me.
I've rambled enough. Talk to you all later. Please any advice or suggestions. I am trying to stay calm, but until H backs off on D proceedings, I feel a little under the gun.
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Kris, I am sorry that I have not been around too much lately.
But anyway...I agree w/ everyone else, hang in there.
The counseling is a good first step. I would also look into the counseling through H job. Try & find out for yourself. I know there are privacy laws & such but if you are on the insurance policy, you should also be able to find out some info. Maybe get a list of providers & ask them point blank if they are familiar w/ MB concepts. then @ least you will know where they stand on that.
Keep the faith. I am also praying for you.
It sounds like pastor said some good things. What did H say in counsleing session? Did counselor do most of the talking/lecturing?
Take care sweetie.
Also, have you looked into getting cousneling w/ the kids yet? I know your kids are struggling & hurting. They need some good therapy to cope w/ this. I am so sorry that you have to see your kids hurt this way. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
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Hi KrisM,
I would just say that you are not signing Divorce until he gets IC to help forgive himself. His guilt is definately what is holding him back. I think he really loves you a lot but is overwhelmed by his guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I would then just reassure him of your unconditional love for him.
I feel for you and for your kids. It is so sad that your son is taking responsibility for your husband leaving. Did you tell your husband about your sons concerns. It might be enough to wake him up. Sometimes God speaks through children. <small>[ July 02, 2004, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>
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KrisM,
I am so far behind and my words may be too late but I wanted to respond.
First, BIG HUGS to you. I am so sorry for your pain. As I read your posts, those old feelings come back to me.
I just want you to know that I have done this several times. I started sep agreements but did not follow through and I even filed a limited divorce decree that I just last week asked my atty to file a motion to dismiss. See, I did this but really my heart was not in it. You never know, it could just be a gut reaction. However, you should consult your own atty. just to protect yourself.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H says that people kept saying he needed to make a decision, that he felt this was best for kids </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the reason I did it. To do something, make a decision. That is also the reason my H moved out several times. He felt we were not getting any where, that it would never be right. Again, a rash decision that was not necessary. Your H needs to decide what he wants and then do what is necessary to achive that. It may be eating crow, it may be feeling uncomfortable, it may be difficult but he needs to do it. It's the means to an end.
His decision is not best for the kids. This is one line of thinking that my H was actually correct with. H & I were thinking about reconciling before we found out OW was preg. When he learned of that she of course wanted him and in his words "It's difficult enough to put my kids through a D, let alone a divorce and then OC and a new marriage. No way." I hope your H will see that this would only make it more difficult on your children. What does it show them? Get OW preg., desert your wife, your marriage and your kids because you are a coward. Does it tell them taht OC is more important? Tell him to get real and look at what he is doing. Sorry, it is not fair to your or your children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I find it amazing that there are so many similarities between us. Not exact but your H's reaction to things, his words, thoughts are very similar. First my H is a police officer and so is OW. Your comment below rings so true for me too. However, it did not just come from other officers.
Last Sept when H & I had an argument related to OW and A, H went to talk to an officer friend who had been D for a while. He told my H to move on, to be happy, and do what ever would make him happy. H believed him and moved out. It was just a short month later that OW got preg. Shows you what fools people can be. I can't help but think if that guy kept his mouth shut it may have closed the road that led to this. Oh well. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Said everyone has known for awhile that he has had feelings for OW - said shouldn't deny it. This crap infuriates me. I make progress with him and others fill his head with **** (sorry </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The other thing I see it that your H is about the same age mine was when we started this. My H went back and forth. H never saw an atty. but did move out several times. It was always me who initiated contact with an atty. I tell you this because I never wanted the D but I could not stand there and just let it go. My point is that maybe as time goes by your H will wake up. Problem, it took mine a few years to do so. Hang in there as long as you can, the fog will lift.
While you are hanging, do things for yourself. Have fun, enjoy being single. I did this and boy did it get my H's goat. I think it also made the fog lift a bit. My problem, I would stop too soon. Keep it up. Show him a happy you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, when I am away from all of them, I just feel real empty inside. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been here too, I know what you feel. My advice, get out and do something. I tried not to be home and would put off returning home from work. I eventually started to enjoy that alone time. I would take long bubble baths, talk on the phone and just relax without anyone bothering me. It's hard at first, I know that but if you try to look at if as a good thing - YOU TIME- it helps.
I wish you so much luck and you are in my prayers.
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