Kris,

I feel your pain and would like to suggest that you continue to pray. Pray harder than you ever have before and be as supportinve as possible to your H.. He sounds as though he feel like giving up would be best but for whom. It is definately not best for you and not for your family.

So just continue to be the weet person that you are and try to relax him into counceling. He needs to feel the love of you and his family and most importantly the love of the LORD.

Pray about it with a trusting heart.

JT

Hey girls - Nothing really new with H to update. He is still dancing around the issue of counceling. He still hasn't found out any info on counceling through work and I have no idea who to call.

Still getting confusing and conflicting actions from him. I am so convinced that he is not sure about this D. But yet he is not doing anything to stop it so far. He says sometimes he feels he can come home, and then other times that it is not right. I keep trying to reach out to him, but am scared now that since he has filed that I won't be able to convince him in time that our M can survive and thrive after all we have been through.

H did come to house on the 4th. He stayed until he had to leave for work. He also took us all to the movies to see Shrek 2 on the 5th. He also makes comments that leads me to believe that he wants to be home. I just wish there was some way I could help him get past his guilt. I really and truly believe that that is the problem. He can't deal with what he has done. H did go to see OW briefly one night and told her he filed. I asked about it and all he said was that when he saw her that he could not believe that he did it - meaning get her pregnant. I just so believe that he is not accepting the reality of this situation and he has found a safe place in his apartment. Any ideas on how I can reach him?????

I know that he has to work through his guilt on his own. That is between him and God. He has to accept that what happened was wrong and ask God's forgiveness. I know he believes and I know he understands that God will forgive him, but yet I don't believe he has reached out to God. If he had, I truly believe he would be home. Why is it so hard? And is there anything I can do to help? I have been reading the Power of the Praying Wife. It says in there that when your H is faced with a trial, you need to pray for him, but you cannot take on the burden yourself. It says that God has a purpose in this trial and that there is something that God wants H to learn from this, and as hard as it is to see H suffer and go through pain of trial, that my job as his W is to pray and stay out of God's way.

I am finding it real hard to stand back and watch. I trust God and have been blessed with strength from him to handle this. This experience has been a journey for me also. My faith is so much stronger than I ever thought and I find it so much easier these days to share that with people. This trials do happen for a reason for all of us. It is all in how you react to the situation and whether or not you let God handle it for you. It is about learning to live for God and not yourself. I know God is working on my H. I have faith that he will one day reach him - I just hope it is before the D is final. I hope that doesn't sound like a lack of faith, because I believe the D is my H's decision to exercise his freewill. I just hope that he begins to use that freewill to make choices based on what is right for his whole family and follow the path that God has intended for us.

Sorry the ramble is so long.

I hope you all had a great holiday. Talk to you all tomorrow night.

Kris,

I am sorry for the pain that you are going through right now, but I do believe that you can make it through. I think I am going to but that book and become a prayer partner with you as I am always praying for the best for you. I kknow that you have become stronger over the past few months of posting. I can see it - I can hear it in your posts. I believe in you. I know that GOD knows all and can heal all. It is hard sometimes and very hard for me because I am so controlling about everything, but I can feel him moving in your life. I do not mean to sound preachy by no means - because I am far from the good girl. But you know what I am trying to say, I am proud of you and am here with you in wanting to stand by your H during this time. I don't think htat I really realized that my H must be going through some pain himself over this until I read your post and BBYG's.

I can sense the pain and guilt they must feel about what they have done to their families. I need to become a stronger person like you so that I can help my family move on from this. Further more I do not believe that your H really wants a D. He just feels like he has no other place to go. He needs to feel the love that you have and trust in GOD to make it all better. Kris hang in there you can make it I believe in you. Whatever path the Lord leads us down know that you are not going alone - he will guide you through it.

I can come up with such encouraging things to say to others but have a hard time believing them in my own case - but I'll try.

LOL,

JT

Kris,

I am praying for u 2 sweetie, but I don't believe 4 1 second that your H truly plans to go thru w/ the D, I think like JT says he feels it is his only option, like my H will tell me "that is your only option to give up, to run away" which carries a bit of truth cuz it is easier to flee then fight.

Keep reading that book, Power of a Praying Wife, I read it before the A but didn't do it. It is an awesome tool.

This is warfare ladies, spiritual warfare, & the enemy is not OW or H --

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
Ephesians 6:12

Keep praying & trusting God Kris, he will see u thru this & he will work it out for your good!!!

Thanks JT and BG. It means so much that you all are continuing to keep me in your prayers. I thank God that he has brought us all together.

JT - Thanks so much for the compliments - I do feel so much stronger and I am glad that it is noticable. I have been thinking alot lately about how I have changed through all of this. I am a much better person - my faith is more apparent, I am more confident in myself, and I am finding the courage to face things I never thought I could. All because I have let God become a bigger part of my life. All thanks to him!!

You all may find me a little insane once I share this. But last Friday, I was doing a lot of thinking about the changes in my life. I was all alone at work while the others were at lunch and I was just thinking. I was actually sitting there feeling so overwhelmingly happy and at peace. My H had just filed for D on Monday, and I was feeling so very happy. But it had absolutely nothing to do w/ H and everything to do with God. I had just told my mom about H filing (I waited a few days to see how meeting with pastor went on Thurs.) I was telling her how I was not giving up and that H needed my help. I was telling her how this whole thing has been a walk in faith for me. Her response was that she could tell - that my faith in God was apparant. And she is not the only one who has noticed. I was just floored. It was then that I realized one of God's purposes for my H's affair. It was to get me back on track in life - not that I had really fallen, but I was not living life for God. We all get wrapped in the selfish wants and desires of this world. We tend to forget who gives us these blessings. I would go to church on Sunday, but the rest of the week was for me. This attitude is so wrong and I am realizing how much of my life I have wasted.

Anyway, the insane part of the story is that I actually found myself praying to God and thanking him for all that has happened to help wake me up. I am truly thankful that God gave me the opportunity to test my faith. I am a better person for it. I open up easier to others and find myself talking about God to my friends and family. I want them to know what he is doing in my life. I was always so scared to do this in the past. But the fact that my actions are actually starting to touch the people in my life in a good way takes my breath away. This is the beginning of something more in my life. I am not saying I am packing up the family and going to be a missionary in a far, far away land - that I am not ready for. But I am ready to reach out to my family and friends and maybe as my strength/courage grows, I will reach out to others - wherever God leads, I am ready to follow. I really can see how what has happened in my life can be used as a testiment to how faith in God brings good out of bad. I hope that it is a story on a restored marriage - but the end I do not know yet.

When my H filed for D - I think it was the final straw that drove me to give it all over to God. He has control and I fight everyday not to interfere. I pray that I will be able to reach my H - with God's help. I pray that he will join me on this new journey in life. I just so want him to know that God can take away his guilt, his doubts, his fears if he would just let him. It has left me with a great sense of peace and happiness, and I want H to experience this also. I want you all to know this feeling.

Whatever happens with my M, I know that God will provide for me and protect me. I know that God will continue to work for my M and I know he will reach my H. Its all a matter of time and patience. I just hope H gives us the time to reach him and that he doesn't move along too quickly with the D. God can move mountains - I know he can crumple the wall H has built around his heart. Any fears that I have, they are for my H. I fear that he will continue to resist God and that he will proceed with D. I know with all my heart that if that happens, he will one day feel regret and sorrow for the choice. The kids and I have nothing but love for him. We love him as he is and want him home with us.

Please continue your prayers for me and I will for you all. With God's blessing, we will all have stronger M's in the end. I know we will all be better and stronger people.

Keep the faith!!

Kris,

U sound just like me, u put into words was I was trying to express in my post yesterday.

It is so awesome how God is moving in your life Kris, he is moving in mine as well & I can't thank him enough for ALL of it. I 2 believed at the beginning of this that God had an awesome plan for my life & my M. I believed that we would survive this & have a powerful testimony to share w/ others who were hurting in their M one day, well as time went on & I lost the vision & tried to make things happen my way in my time, only 2 get frusrated & push H away & make some really dumb mistakes of my own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But Praise God that is all behind me now, I am walking in the steps he has ordered for me & I know u r 2. I am praying for both our H's & all of us here on this board.

God can do anything but fail!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My prayers are with you that God will give you the strength you need, and with your husband that God will touch his heart.

Hey girls - Not much to update here. Just wanted to say hi.

Didn't see H at all over the weekend, but he did call a couple of times. The tone of his voice and some of his actions tell me that the Lord is moving in him. I just keep praying for him and me and pray that soon it will be us again. All in God's time.

BG - The sermon at church today was about Following Jesus. I am telling you I am hearing that message everywhere. I am so convinced that this journey was as much for me as for my H. I am so loving this new sense of peace and happiness in my life. I am waiting for the next step - patiently waiting. Its almost exciting to see what God has in store for me. I have been forwarding alot of Pastor Doreen's most recent devotions to H - so many good messages on trials and why they happen. I hope he reads and listens to the message. I just hope I am not forcing the issue too hard - hope I am not interfering with God's work. I am never quite sure if I am interfering or doing my part????

Anyway, just enjoyed the weekend with the kids and had some fun in the pool. Sat. I think all the kids in the neighborhood were over - a little stressful - but I can handle that stress (piece of cake). I loved it.

Not much to add. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Okay girls, H has spent alot of time at home the past couple of nights - still leaves to go back to apartment, but is here after work and supper. Some innocent flirting even led to more than flirting. Anyway, I don't know who is more confused - me or him. I probably shouldn't have let the SF happen, but a girl has her needs too. I know what it meant for me, but am questioning H (For love or just sex??? - new reality show). We have done some talking. Sometimes the way he acts, it sure doesn't seem like he wants to D me. Then other times he makes comments, and I am just confused again.

Anyway, I need some advice. H has a big softball game tomorrow (police vs. firemen annual game). I was planning on taking the kids. I am still trying so hard to be the supportive wife fulfilling that need to have the family present for these events. H asks tonight if we are going. I said we were. He said OW may come also!!! I have talked to this woman on the phone, but I have never seen her face to face. How do I handle this??? I have been working so hard telling myself that I can be the better person and be an adult about all of this, but you never know how you are going to handle a situation until you are faced with it. Maybe she will back out since she knows me and kids will be there. But I am not so sure I can handle seeing her if she is there. I would never yell, scream, or cause any sort of scene, but I can see myself breaking down and crying at the sight of her bulging belly. Believe me I have already been praying for the strength to face her, but I am a little scared. Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would definely go. She probably will back off. Showing your support of husband will be a great reality check. I would not stress at sight of OW. I met my OW and at first I was nervous but I talked to her and she was a real person and she claimed she did not know about me although husband says he told her about me. I do not know who was lying, him or her. I just started hating her because she agreed with me to leave him alone if he chose me. She did not back off. She continued to interfere with our lives. I hope your OW knows her place. Be close to yuor husband. I do think it is good of your husband to invite you knowing OW will be there. I think that is his way of standing by you.

Thanks Genia for the advice. I think I will be fine, but I am a little nervous.

So, as I am about to leave, I am asking for any last second advice about possible meeting with OW.

KrisM,

Go to the game girl, that is your man -HUSBAND. Let her feelm like the outsider that sh really is. Show her that you are in charge of your life and family. I bet she'll be more uncomfortable than you will. Be pleasant - LOOK DAM* GOOD - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and KEEP YOUR COOL, but make sure that she sees you even if you don't speak.

BE CAREFUL - LOVE YA

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks JT - I will sure try my best to keep it together. I have been thinking alot today. OW is nothing to me. If she talks - I will be civil. If she ignores me - all the better. I really can't believe she would have the nerve to show up knowing H's family will be there. I would think that would be real embarrassing, but I obviously don't think like her. Keep me in your prayers.

Hope you still get this & be sure to fill us in later!

Remember what you wrote-------she is NOTHING--you are the WIFE!

Hold your head HIGH & proud. Don't even acknowledge her.

AND make sure you stay real close to H & keep up all that 'innocent' flirting! Make sure he knows how great the other night was.

Tell him secrets in his ears, between the fence & laugh reall loud @ his jokes.

Ya' know------like when you were dating & the whole world revovled around nothing but HIM! I'm serious. What would you ahve done in highscool if some other ckick was looking @ your boy?

Remember that...you are COOl, Calm & collected! snap!

Keep it together. Be friendly to the other wives. Don't forget the gatorade & seeds.
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Interesting that she feels like coming around dontcha' think? Maybe she has heard how supportive you have been & is trying to match your game? hmmmmm....could someone else be feeling a bit insecure?

ANd heck ya make sure you look GOOD! and I would even make sure I am EXTRA friendly to all the other players too. Bring extra seeds for them too, nothing like getting more on your side.

Make sure you let us know if that STOW shows up or not!

Kris,

Sorry I just saw your post, I know you are gone now but I know you will be fine, you will be more than fine you will be great, you are an awesome woman of God & he's got you covered. I said a prayer for you, it is already done, you have nothing to be nervous, afraid or ashamed about YOU ARE THE WIFE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know you are looking really good, while if she shows up, she is fat & dumpy looking & most of all ALONE!

Can't wait to hear from you!

Thanks girls for all the support! Don't know what I would do without you.

Yes, she showed up and it really wasn't a problem. I sat at one end of the bleachers. She and her support group sat at the other end in lawn chairs. I really couldn't even see her because she hid herself (at least most of herself - that was mean) behind a light pole. For awhile I found myself sneaking glances, just more curiosity. After awhile, I didn't even pay attention to her. I watched the game and cheered for H. I am really not even sure she noticed me, but who cares??

What bothered me most was towards the end of the game, the group of cops sitting around me started gossiping about H and OW. Obviously, none of them knew who I was. So I just sat and listened. It made me really sad that these people could sit and laugh about a situation that is causing so much pain to so many people. One was H's friend that he talks to on duty. They were talking about how in the beginning no one knew who the daddy was and how they were all taking bets. My H's friend chimes in that she knew from the beginning because H confided in her. She then proceeded to tell some personal things - nice friend. Makes me really sad that H is turning to these people and all they do is talk behind his back. It took every ounce of energy not to turn around and introduce myself. But I wanted to listen to get as much info as possible. Nothing was really said about me. H's friend said that in the beginning when H told her about OC that he said he wasn't sure if he should be happy about it or not. She said some other things after that, but I couldn't hear her. I have a feeling she was telling them all how he felt about OW.

Anyway, I sat there thinking that my H and I are living in two very different worlds. He has all these friends that I don't even know. He lives a life totally separate from me and I am wondering how well I really know him anymore. This makes me really sad. It seems like that the nearly 12 years of M and 5 years of dating before that mean nothing anymore. He has a new life in a new world and it doesn't include me. I think he is afraid of letting me into this new life - I might spoil the fun.

H pretty much didn't say too much of anything to anyone in the crowd. He had to be uncomfortable with both of us there. OW left early. I had gotten up to take DD to bathroom, and when I was coming back to game, she was leaving. I don't know if she talked to H then or not. It was near the end of the game. I came back and H asked if I was leaving too. So he must have been aware that she left. I asked what he meant, and he said that the crowd was leaving and thought maybe I was leaving too. I told him he was stuck with me to the end.

We talked some after the game. One of the girls who was gossiping about H walked up to us after the game and introduced herself. I am sure she was just curious about who I was. I also met his friend. H walked away from us to get his equipment, so I asked her how he was doing. She said he doesn't talk too much to anyone and stays to himself. I'm not so sure how much she was willing to say, but I told her that I was really worried about him and that I just wondered if he was doing okay. She seemed to be understanding. I don't know.

So overall, I had no problems with OW being there. Like I said, she is nothing to me. I just wish I could say the same for H. She obviously still means something to him. Not sure how I am feeling about this whole mess at the moment. I just feel that H is not the person I married and that is the one I am still in love with. I am not sure H is interested in being that person anymore. Sometimes I think he is, but yet this other life keeps drawing him away. Question is, is there a possibility that our two worlds can become one again? All I know is that I felt like the outsider tonight. OW is one of them - she has the support. As long as H confides in them and turns to them for advice, I don't think he will ever come home.

Thanks again for support and prayers.

I don't think OW is 'one of them'.....considering all they did was gossip about her. I don't even think H is 'one of them' since they were gossipping about him too.

What a bunch of @$$es they are. Making jokes about him (by people he 'confided' in) and then lying straight to your face all about it. Where is there loyalty? Are people insane now a days or what?

What has happened to the times when, if a {real}MAN saw another man going down a bad road he's confront that man & straighten him out, not laugh & encourage him. God forbid any one of those people ever find themselves in that situation, then who will they trun to?

H & I went to a married couples group @ church last night. We are going through a book called, Communication is the Key. ANyway, the entire first chapter is on commitment.

The author talks about GODLY commitment & our view of commitment. It says how contracts even have escape clauses but a marital 'commitment' is really a covenant w/ GOD that no man can break. IT asks some hard hitting questions such as.....are there 'conditions' to your marraige that you consider 'deal breakers' & are there deal breakers w/ a covenant w/ God? I think those are good questions to explore.....for all of us.

It opened up some very good discussions & I think we will be making some new friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I will write more on another thread (you know, it's too easy for me to go off on a tangent & thread jack).
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I am glad you went last night......It probably really opened up H eyes about a few things (for starters, that it's not 2 separate worlds/lives anymore----they are seriously CRASHING together!)& let OW know YOU are still a FIGHTING prescense in H life!

That was a VERY BRAVE thing to do & I am VERY proud of you. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of so you continue to stand TALL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kris,

My H is a police officer and let me just say what you said happened is very typical. According to my H, this younger dept (meaning not the same as when he started 15 yrs. ago) love to gossip and spread anything they can to hurt anyone they can. He said that he tries to keep his life personal and shares with really no one. He recently started to share with his CPL. who's wife had an A and they are now D. Other than that, he said you can't trust them. That they thrive on other pain.

I am surprised that you did not know any of them but what an opportunity for you to hear things. I don't know how you kept your cool.

Kris, before I found out about the A I thought the same thing about H, he was someone I did not know. He seemed to have really changed.

I am so proud that you were able to be there with OW and keep your cool. You go girl.

Luv and Kris - I thank God every day that my dh's partner is a minister OTS. He's counciled dh in the Path and it has helped us SO much.

I wish there were more people in the world like Deputy Kirk!

Funny thing, Kirk is in his mid 20s, and has already lived more than most - purple heart, honorable discharge - he'd been a runaway at 15 and pulled himself up by his bootstraps. He is such a blessing!

I pray your dh's find a "Kirk" to 'fide in.

- Kimmy

So, let me get this straight. There are three of us here married to men of blue? Geesh.