To give (ahem) credit - dh wasn't "in" blue when the a started...though, I'm sure we all know that it takes a certain moxy to be in blue in the first place....that moxy can sure bite them in the butt, eh?

- Kimmy

Kris,

I am proud of you. I am glad that you kept your cool and look how it really paid off. You learned so much just by going to the game. You also learned just how strong you really are and how in turmoil your H life must really be. I know that you are still hurting but you have made a big step and leaped a huge hurdle. OW knows for sure that you are a factor and a very important one at best.

So you not only was there for your H but you stood up for yourself and your kids. You proved to be the bigger woman and won, because she could not even last to the end of the game. remember that winners are not always the swiftest, but one's that endure the race! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Love Ya,

JT

I guess so. It's just amazing how many in LE have A's. I am sure if you look at other professions you may see a pattern there too. Since I am close to this profession and I hear what goes on/went on, it seems like such a huge number to me, at that is just within H's dept.

I wish my H would find some spiritual help. I don't think it would cure everything but I believe it would really help. You are lucky.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's just amazing how many in LE have A's </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's because they (most anyway) begin to think they are "above" everyone else. Sometimes, tho, they get knocked back down. Boy is that ever an ego kill...

- Kimmy

Luv and Niosgirl - Unfortunately there are more than three of us who are married to police officiers that post here. There are at least two others that I know of - amiloco and Entwife. I haven't heard much from either of them lately. Do you think we ought to go post on pre marriage board and warn anyone who is marrying a cop to think twice???

kt - That is what I was referring to when I said OW is one of them - she is also a police officier. I will say one thing for them, they stick together. There have been many tell H that he should just D me for her - that's why I say she has the support.

Luv - The reason I do not know many police officiers in H's dept is that H is on large dept and we seldom do anything with any other families. I see some at his softball games, but nowhere else. We live outside of city because I am a small town girl who would not live in city. This is one of the areas where I failed in M - which I have tried to improve. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom - H refused. So I guess I had the attitude that if I could not be a full time mom - I was going to be a mom whenever I was home with them. Therefore, I seldom want to leave them. I am gone so much through the week, that I want to spend the weekends and evenings with the kids. I should have done a better job at making time for just H and me. There were times when he wanted to go to cop parties, that I didn't go. I really regret that now. So I do take responsibility for that.

The whole attitude of H's dept scares me. Before our problems, H always talked about the A's and D's of many cops. He even joked about it by saying you weren't a real cop unless you had a girlfriend or at least one ex. Did I tell you that he is up for cop of the year award - LOL!! One of his closest "friends" (I use that word loosely after hearing the gossip last night) was having A's shortly after graduating from the academy and has filed for D. I would hear my H talk about how great his friend had it after he moved out of his house. He had so much freedom to do what (and who) he wanted. I had a feeling I was heading for trouble at that point. But I trusted my H and said nothing. I so believe that H has been so influenced by the crowd of people he hangs with that maybe he is getting a D just to fit in and be accepted - one of my crazy theories (still trying to figure out the why).

I talked to H some tonight. I wasn't in a real good mood and tried to avoid talking too much - didn't want to LB. I got home from work and worked in the yard to avoid him. I sat at work and just thought way too much about last night. I was just so angry that these people he calls "friends" treat him so badly. That really bothered me more that OW being there. He is trying so hard to fit in and be accepted by these people, and all they do is stab him in the back. Tell me why it is so important for H to fit in with these people while throwing away a family who loves him and he can trust?????

Anyway, I eventually spoke my mind about his so called friends. H then told me that after I left one of the guys on his team pulled him aside to talk to him. He said that this guy told him that he also had an A and that it doesn't make you a bad person. That it was a mistake. That he and his wife went to counceling and worked things out. I couldn't believe it - there may be a sensible person on H's dept. Someone actually spoke up and gave H some guidance. I am just not sure how much actually sank through his thick skull. He said it gave him something to think about.

We continued to talk. I started getting teary eyed and H asked why. I told him that I was just so frustrated - that I was willing to try anything to save our M and he was making no effort. Told him I just didn't understand why (still crying). Told him I had dealt w/ A (mostly) and that I can handle it. That I can work past it. Told him I didn't understand why I was the one begging for another chance when he is the one who had the A. I just don't understand. Told him that all I wanted was for us to try counceling - said I deserved at least that (still crying). I swear I saw a tear in H's eye, but still no comments about trying counceling or anything. I just don't understand why me (BS) is the one who can get past the A, when H (WS) can't. Why I am the one asking for second chance? Usually it is the WS who has to beg for the second chance. Why is it the opposite for me?? He said he is the one who can't get past it. Now I don't know if it is because he has feelings for OW, or he doesn't trust himself. His answers are very vague.

Therefore, after all this rambling, I have concluded that my life is still a mess and I see no end in sight. Any help/suggestions/advice/cruise offers needed.

Hi KrisM,

My husband is not a cop, but his father is a retired cop and he encourages his son and cheers him for having OC by OW. He told me that men will always cheat on women and that I should just accept it. I am forever arguing with my husband's Dad. So my husband is not a cop but is influenced by his father. Husband has never really said he was sorry for having the affair. But he did say he regretted what happened, meaning making the baby. I too am doing all the work to try and restore my marriage. I try to get him to read stuff. He will not read nothing.
KrisM, I hope your husband listens to the guy who thought it was worth it to save his marriage. It is so sad that there is so much peer pressure on cops to end their marriages. Good luck to you and your husband. I hope he will be strong and do the right thing.
PS: Keep going to the games. Maybe OW will quit coming. I think Husband was big to invite you. Focus on the good. Do not focus on the bad.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Hey girls - Just wanted to give you a quick update.

H called today. Says he has been doing a lot of thinking and that he wants us to talk tomorrow. I pray he is going to say he is ready to work on M. Whatever he wants to talk about, I think I will definitely have a better idea if he wants to continue with D or work on M. Please keep me in your prayers today. I have this mix of hope and being scared feeling. I want to believe that he has finally decided to come home. Yet after seeing OW and hearing his friends talk the other night, I am a little scared he may decide to move on. I also feel scared to get my hopes up again. I have been down that road too many times. I think he is going to come home, only to get disappointed.

I will make sure to update you tomorrow night.

"Why does H want to fit in w/ 'them'"? BECAUSE he is INSECURE that's why!

My H was the biggest 'talker' I have ever known. He was so self-confident, charming & good (no-great) @ everything but REALLY deep down inside he was VERY insecure. He told me this YEARS later, so when one stupid little tramp (he'd actually 'turned down' better!)starts to give him the time of day------it all fell into place & made him feel like 'something' when he felt like 'nothing' but in reality it only made him more into NOTHING!

If that is all that is around him (lying, cheating 'people') then he needs to start hanging around BETTER people. It clearly showed where his mind was @ @ the time!

Your H does not want you to be a SAHM but is upset that you might not have enough time for him? That is the biggest load of crap I ever heard! How can you possibly have time for him & kids & domestic responsibilities if you are working all day? DOn't blame yourself on that one!

But I can see your point that even w/ all that you were making time for your kids (& making THEM the priority) but not for H! I get it.

I WILL be praying for you. You hang in there.

Thank God for one brave soul out there who actually cares MORE about your H than what your H THINKS about HIM! That gives me hope that there are still some good guys out there!

Kris,

Saying a prayer 4 U!

Hope H has something positive to say like he got his brain back & he's coming home to stay!

Hi Kris,

Just wanted to say that I wish you the best on your talk with your H. I hope that he has realized what a good wife he has. I know that your stomach must be tied up in knots when you think about it, but my prayers are with you. Thank you for the kind words you gave me the other day I really needed them so much. I am at a lost, but praying for the best for you.

JT

First of all, thanks for all the support and prayers. The power of prayer is awesome.

I have some good news for once.

H wants to take a family vacation the first week of August and then start MC when we return. I am so happy!!!! I know we have a long way to go, but its the first step. God is so awesome - he is working in my H, as well as my friends and family. I am so excited and happy!!!!!!!!!!! I think I will fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight for the first time in along time. All thanks to God.

Girls it can happen!! Keep the faith!!!

So is H moving back in now or what? just curious.

I am glad your hope is restored. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kris,

That is great news & yes the power of prayer is awesome for we serve an awesome GOD!

U don't know how happy I am for U & your family that H is coming out of the "fog". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let's just keep praying God brings him home soon.

Hi Kris,

I am so happy for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KrisM~so happy for you-I need tolet go and also put all my faith in god-I have a hard time doing that but it looks like it worked for you.

Again so happy for you--I reallt think M's are worth saving.

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of nights. I have so been enjoying spending more time w/ H. He is not home yet, but he is sure spending a lot of time at here.

I am feeling so happy - I don't even know how to describe it. Knowing that H is willing to try has just given me this amazing sense that everything is going to be okay - I just know that God is answering my prayers. And I really think that that is where this overwhelming sense of peace and happiness is coming from. I feel like I am getting to know my H all over again and it really feels right.

I had a momentary set back tonight. H and my friend/neighbor had a talk today and H wanted to let me know what was said before she talked to me. My friend asked H where things stood w/ OW. Something I have been wanting to know, but too afraid to ask. I want to just trust what is happening. My friend holds nothing back, God bless her. She doesn't let H back out of answering because she wants to protect me from getting hurt. God has truly blessed me with a terrific friend. Anyway, H says that after OW saw me at the game, she did not call him for a few days. When she did call, I guess they had a huge argument. It basically ended the relationship. Good thing I went to the game!!

This is what concerned me. H tells me that because of this argument, he decided to try things at home again. Says that he messed one relationship up and that he didn't want to mess both of them up. I think he thought that this would make me feel better. I looked at him and told him he better stop talking. I said that he was beginning to make me feel like his second choice, which is not what I want. He then said that after his talk with his friend after the game, he had decided to try counceling with me. So he said he decided that before this big argument. I basically was not sure what to think. I asked him what happens if OW comes running back, asked if he was done with OW. His response was "I think, at least for now!" Well tell me how to interpret that????

We chit chatted the rest of the evening until he left to get ready for work. This was really bothering me. I went to talk to my friend. She told me basically the same thing. She told him he needs to decide once and for all who he wants to be with. His response to her is that he has. So, good, he has decided to work on M. But his "I think..." or "at least for now" kind of scares me. He is being so indecisive. I am ready to give 100% to M, but I am so afraid that OW will call or contact him, or the birth of OC will send him right back to her. So it all boils down to trust.

I will say that one of his comments after our OW discussion was that he hoped that I wasn't angry. I don't think he intended the comments to sound as if I was his second choice. I think he has been confused for a long time and that the way OW is acting, he doesn't want to be with her. But, how do I know for sure???

So, you know me. After H leaves, I begin having this conversation with God. I say that I really don't want to go through the hurt again and that if that is where this is heading, I don't want it. After this, I swear I could just hear a voice say it will be alright.

It is a trust issue!! I completely trust God will take care of me and he will not forsake me. I trust that God is working on H's heart and that H is home for the right reasons. I trust that after some hard work, that my M will be great again. I trust how I feel for my H - God would not put these overwhelming feelings of love in my heart for H for me to get hurt again. I trust God!!

Well girls, I celebrated my 12th anniversary alone.

I didn't see H all weekend. Sun. was our anniversary, and I didn't see him at all. He did call and we talked for awhile. I was really bummed that we didn't spend any time together.

In H's defense, we both had very busy schedules that day, but there are some things that he added to his that took time away from us (like go drinking after his games, going to driving range, etc.) I had gone to church and then we had our vacation Bible school start that evening. So the kids and I were gone till around 8:00, but H could have come over after that for some alone time.

Maybe I shouldn't be so bummed about it. I just was getting so use to spending more time with him, I wanted to see him on our special day. I was hoping this anniversary would mark a new beginning.

Anyway, I find myself being haunted by my H's comments last week (see above post). I find those little doubts creeping in about why H is really so willing to work on M right now. Yet other times, he is so sweet and more attentive. I don't know. I need to just concentrate on one day at a time. We leave for vacation on this coming Sunday - so we will just have to celebrate a week late. I am looking forward to the trip and so are the kids. My DD just said tonight that she is looking forward to spending more time with daddy.

Talk to you all later. By the way, if you haven't noticed yet, I did get my pictures added. Hopefully, will have some more to add after vacation.

Don't be offended or think that you are H second choice.

Exactly what you wanted to happen is..OW is now doing the LB & you are fulfilling H needs.

Why do you think he went to her in the very first place?????? We all know it was becuase things were easier w/ her, youwere probably LBing & she wasn't. It's just a fact.

Now the shoe is on the other foot--where it should have been anyway & you are the one that is easier to deal w/.

Hang in there. OW is just starting the LBing-things are bound to get worse, all those pg hormones & reality of being a single mom-----those shoes are gonna get really tight, really soon! LOL

PS: I thought your pics were nice, darling kids. MAkes me a bit sad to think of how they have been hurt w/ all of this--but they'll bounce back eventually. I finally added more to mine too, from our camping trip to the beach. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 12:02 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Hi Kris,

I think your husband is makeing progress. But it seems that he is still not sure that the two of you will make it. I think he needs to keep talking to the guy who encouraged him to have counseling. I would keep going to the games. I am so glad you went and that started an argument with him and other woman.

Hey Kris,

Sorry about your anniversary, but keep trusting & believing that God will work this out in your favor & next year #13 will be the continuation of your new beginning. Like you said keep trusting God!