Leaving tomorrow on vacation!!!

I will try to keep up and post some - H is bringing laptop. I will be thinking and praying for you all. If I can't post - I'll talk to you all in a week.

Hey are you back yet? Just checking on you. How did the vacation go? Talk to you when you get in.

SEE YA,

JT

Thanks JT! Glad to see someone missed me!

I don't have a lot of time to update you all tonight. But I did want to let you know that for the most part vacation was great. H has been home every night since then and that is why I haven't posted much. I guess I am spending way too much time with H!! He hasn't totally committed to moving home and is still sending some mixed messages. But I am taking what I can get at the moment and hoping for more in the future.

Bottomline - I am happy, the kids are happy, and my H even seems to be happy.

I will post more later. Don't want to neglect H.

That's great! I am so glad that everything has been going so well for you. I hope that you continue to be blessed with the love of your H. Maybe he is realizing what he has been missing all this time - the love of his wife and kids.

Post later to fill me in.

JT

Hi KrisM,

I missed you too. I was just waiting for you to come back. I am so glad you and husband are getting so close. You go girl!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry I haven't updated lately. Here it goes:

Vacation was great. We had alot of fun as a family. Very little alone time though, but one step at a time. There were times H seemed a hundred miles away and he even admitted that he was thinking of OW/OC. Not sure what to make of that - if he was thinkging of OW because of OC or if he is just thinking of OW. I know the OC is weighing heavy on his mind. He does not think it would be fair to OC not to be involved. That I can live with, but I think the OW will be trouble. He is worried that she will be too. I told him that I am willing to do C unless OW causes too many problems. I will not put our kids through that. If that happens, H will have to decide what he wants, because I will not tolerate OW hurting my kids.

While on vacation, H would buy things for OC. This bothered me. Not sure if I was overreacting, or not. He bought a little hat and booties and two personalized 1st Christmas ornaments. One for OW's house, one for whereever he is. The ornaments are kind of a yearly thing I do for our kids - now H is doing it for OC. I guess it is nice to include OC (not meaning I want to exclude), but it is something H never took an interest in before. Maybe he just thought I would take care of it for our kids, but it just felt funny that now all of a sudden he is doing something for OC that he never did for ours. I don't know, maybe just overreacting, maybe even slightly jealous for my BC.

Anyway, we get home and H still has one more week before he returns to work. He spends most of his time at home - day and night. Everything seems to be going great. Then Saturday, he packs his stuff up and takes it back to the apartment. Reality has returned and my H is not home. I guess this kind of got me down. I really thought after two good weeks together, he would decide to come home. This makes me wonder just how sincere he is about trying. He still has not dropped the D or has he made any effort to start C. Yet at times he seems so happy to be around the family. He says he just feels weird because of all that has happened. What does that mean?

Another thing, H was in a big hurry to take the things he bought OC to OW. I asked him to wait or even just keep them for us to use when OC visits. Why rush right over there to give them to her? H seemed to understand how I felt about this, yet the ornament he bought for OW's house is missing and so are the other items. I don't know if he has gone to see her. I am afraid to ask, but if he has, it really makes me wonder where things stand between them. If he has to give them to her, why not wait until OC is born? To me, if he takes them to her now, it is telling both her and me that he is not over her and that he was thinking of her while on vacation with his family. Does not make me feel too secure!!

One last thing that just popped into my head, my friend told me that when she talked to H (before we left on vacation) that he said that he wanted nothing to do with OW anymore. He just wanted to stay in contact because of OC. This really confuses me. He tells me that he still thinks of her, yet tells my friend that he wants nothing to do with her. Yet he wants to run right over to give her gifts for OC. He tells me he just wants to make sure things are still okay with pregnacy, blah, blah, blah.

So tell me girls, what do I believe? Am I being a naive fool thinking this could actually work? Is he just hanging on to me until he sees if things could work out again with OW? Or is he just concerned about OC?? I am really confused, and the last thing I want to do is get hurt all over again.

Any advice???

Shoot i don't know--I think they have a hard time coming back to reality--see on vacation he could escape--comes home and reality is they screwed everything up and now they have to face it again.

I missed you--thinking of you and I feel for you girl--try to be a little patient--not that we haven't already.

Kris,

I missed u 2, was hoping that things were getting better w/ u & H, just seems as if he left u more confused than ever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was praying that he would wake up & see what is really important 2 him during your vacation together, maybe he is confused & torn as well. He can't keep sending u & the kids mixed signals thougn, that is not good for anyone.

I dont' know what 2 say 2 u sweetie, I wish I had some magic words of comfort 4 u but I don't.

Just keep praying & hopefully God will touch his heart soon, let him know that it is possible 2 have his M, his family & b a father 2 OC as well.

The only comfort I can give you and the only comfort I find from your post is that my H isn't the only one doing this back and forth. I was sure you headed down the road to recovery and didn't expect this but it makes me feel a little better to know I'm not the only on this mixed signals roller coaster ride.

My prayers are with you--wish I had a magic wand--I would certainly make it all better for all of us.

Albany - I have been thinking alot about this today. I think a hugh part of the problem is that H and I are in two different places on that recovery road. I have worked through so much of the hurt and anger and have even found forgiveness. I am truly ready to put this all where it belongs and that is in the past. H on the other hand, is still caught up in all the hurt and fears. The difference being, I have turned those feelings over to God. I am ready for happiness and love again. Why waste life on all those negatives? It is part of the past and that is where I want to leave it.

Got to go to lunch. Maybe I can sneak in another post later.

I hope I didn't make everything sound terrible with H. We have shared some really great moments together over the past couple of weeks - sitting in hot tub holding hands and just looking at the stars, taking a walk alone the last day at the cabin walking hand in hand, just talking. Its just like it was "us" again. H even made comment that he didn't want to go back to reality. I can feel that he really wants to be home. I talked to him just a little while ago and I could just hear it in his voice. That is what confuses me so much. Why did he go back to the apartment??? All I know is for nearly two weeks I felt married again. I got to curl up with a warm body in my bed (other than DD) and I felt so complete again.

I think part of it is what I mentioned earlier - we are at different points in recovery. I am ready to put this all in the past and move on with our M. He is overwhelmed by OC issue. I just wish he could see how possible this all could be if we just worked together. This is just a bump in the road - it will be rough for awhile - but we can deal with it together.

My biggest problem is that I tend to try to read something into things that are not there - like there is a secret meaning to everything H does or says. I drive myself crazy. I allow all these doubts to creep into my head and that is when I get down again. And I am really not feeling down all that often. I am really happy and content - but just frustrated that H won't let go and join me. I know with all my heart that we can handle all this together. I know we can be happier than ever before - if H just allows it. Yet at the same time, I know I will be fine no matter how this turns out. Yes, I want my M, but I know my life is not dependent on H or my M. This whole experience has taught me to love myself and live for me in a sense. I have learned that life cannot revolve around one person - no matter how much I love him. I have to feel comfortable with myself and love myself before he will love me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I need to get to bed. Big day tomorrow. My babygirl is off to Kindergarten. Who do you think will cry more??? My bet is me! Happy tears for once.

Love you all!!

Hi KrisM,

I cannot give advise. Sorry for your mixed up feeling. I know the feeling. My husband says one thing with words and another with his actions. So sorry. Some of what you say sounds positive. I think he sounds sorta in withdrawal/and dealing with guilt. Sounds like he wants to come back to you and that he loves you.

Kris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I want my M, but I know my life is not dependent on H or my M. This whole experience has taught me to love myself and live for me in a sense. I have learned that life cannot revolve around one person - no matter how much I love him. I have to feel comfortable with myself and love myself before he will love me. Does that make sense? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes perfect sense to me, I have felt this way for a while now. We are ALL gonna be alright hopefully w/ H & M intact & better than ever - but if not we will still be alright, I truly believe that.

Hang in there girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Genia - I sure do hope you are right. I can see subtle changes in H behavior and I truly believe things are getting better between us. I really believe that he wants to be home - he just is having a hard time dealing with OC issue and what he did that led up to OC. Guilt, pure and simple. I keep telling him that life is too short to hang on to these feelings. You have got to let go and try to do the best with what you have. What's done is done. He just does not believe it is that simple. Its like I told BG on her thread - they just haven't got a clue how to fix the mess. But overall, things feel almost normal with H, until he leaves to go to his apartment. Then the doubts sneak back in. I just don't understand why he is not home??? Sometimes I think I am the one in love with a fantasy - maybe he isn't who I think he is.

Then we have a good day and I think we will be okay. Today, we were together to see our baby off to kindergarten. He laughed at me because I was all teary eyed - hey, she's my baby. Then we spent some quality alone time together and he fell asleep in my arms. I was just so happy. I laid there thinking this is the way it is meant to be. It just all felt so right. Then bam, I come home from work and he is off to the apartment. This back and forth is driving me crazy. Sometimes I think he is just stringing me along to see what happens when OC is born. Then other times I think he couldn't possibly be so hurtful and conniving that he would intentionally lead me along the road of recovery to just hurt me again. He's confused, I'm confused, and sorry BG, I am not doing a very good job at focusing on the positive at the moment.

I had another thought today and I need some input. H has not dropped the D. Shortly after he filed he came to me saying lets take a vacation and start C. So I have not talked to a lawyer about anything. If I do nothing, can this D proceed? If H doesn't stop it and I do nothing, can it be seen as uncontested and granted? Would there be a hearing or something? The last thing I want is a D. But I certainly don't want to let things go and have CS and visitation on H's terms. He surely wouldn't be stringing me along in order to get an easy D. Is that possible???? See these doubts creeping in. H says he hasn't even returned papers his lawyer has given him on listing assets/debt. But all I really have is his word on that. Sometimes I am too naive and trusting for my own good. Can anyone advise of D process. I am just going nuts - certifiable.

What do I do????

Hi KrisM,

Look at JT2's thread, maybe your husband is trying to do to you what JT2 is doing to her husband. Contest the divorce by all means. If you do not contest it could be granted by default. Stay strong. I think your husbands guilt has really got him going. He does not think he is good enough for you. Sometimes my husband tells me I can get somebody better than him. Do everything you can to build his self-esteem.

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Thanks Genia. I really thought I was being a little paranoid, but I just read JT's thread and now I am a little worried. I really didn't think my H would do something like that, but now I am not sure what to think. I will have to check into this some more.

Talk to you later.

Hey Kris,

If you really want your M then you must fight for it. Since H filed for D you should be the one to go and say hey I really don't want this. Then maybe he'll realize that you are not going to let him escape that easily. My H didn't file for D I did so now it is his turn to fight for it. I was the one trying to keep this family toghter, not him. So now it is his turn to show that he really loves me and the kids.

Don't not fight out of fear because he filed. Don't let him get off that easy. Your H is in a different place than my H is , i think. My H still thinks that he can live a double life and do what he wants to do, showing more devotion and secrecy to OW.

So please by all means fight for what you want!! Don't let anything stop you from doing what you feel you have to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hold your head up and be strong.

Love ya,

JT

Thought about this D thing all day and I really had myself convinced that maybe H is trying to get an easy way out of M by letting me think that he is working on us. When I got home from work, I was ready to confront H. Then he was very sweet and attentive and I think I am going nuts. We did discuss it and he says that nothing will happen after the 60 days is up unless he signs papers. But we both would have to sign - it wouldn't be final without me signing too. Asked why he hasn't just dropped it yet. He says he is not sure yet, not because of me, but because of what he has done. Doesn't want to have to go to expense of refiling - can understand this, but I told him it is like a big dark storm cloud looming overhead. As long as it is filed, makes me wonder how sincere he is about trying. I still don't know.

He went on to tell me that he did take things for OC over to OW's house and left them on porch. She was not home. He also said he called her to make sure she found them and make sure things are alright with baby still. I had seen on his cell last night that he had called and was going to ask him about it. He told me before I had the chance. I guess that's a good sign. We talked about other things and it really sounds like he is happy at home. Just having a hard time dealing with what he did. Asked about C and he said he got info and keeps forgetting to bring it over. I want so bad to believe and trust what I am seeing and hearing from him. It is just so hard after all that's happened.

Any opinions?? Can I trust this or should I still get some advice from a lawyer? I just don't want to send the wrong message if he is sincerely trying.

Hi Kris,

I think you are seeing good signs. I think you should fight for your marriage. I think you should at least consult with a lawyer to make sure you are protected just in case. Sounds like the big thing is your husband is dealing with guilt. It is a good sign he told you about the call before you could ask. I think he is trying to build back trust. I would just reasure him that you forgive him, and that over time you will learn to trust him again.

Kris, You need to get an attorney and contest the D or you can counter file. Which means send him D/P on the grounds of adultry. I don't know your H only you do. So he may be just being nice so you will forget or not do anything and once the hearing is done, then it is done. ( I have a friend doing that right now. Hoping the date will slip her mind and it will be done and over) You need to do what you need to do to protect you! Call the attorney and (I would counter file) This may wake him up a say, I'm going to have to face it. Sounds like he is running to his apartment so the time he spends w/ you will be "good" and no talking about the OC/OW and he can just go hide and continue to sort out his feelings on everyhting. But like I said I don't know him and you should cover your butt now. Is H going to C? But as far as the hearing, they only have to tell you once. They don't remind you and he's not going to either. But you need to do something ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I would hate for the hearing come and go and he get off scott free, becasue you want to save your M . Counter sue, is what I would do and then both can drop it or go on w/ it. But stand up and take care of you!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D