Hi Albany,

I am so glad things are getting better for you.

Did someone say to watch Cold Mountain? I think someone did. Just can't remember who said it.

H and I watched Cold Mountain together last night in bed--didn't quite finish the movie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But the rest was worth it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have to watch the rest tonight!

DOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(and that was said in my berry best Homer Simpson voice)

- Kimmy

I bet it ain't all cloudy and gray today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Albany are we on a role or what? This is Great and I wish you you muuuuuccccccchhhhhhh more!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Keep up the love!!


as DRAGONTALES say: LOOOOOVVVVVVIIIIIINNNNNN IT!!

JT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh crud. Now I've got the DragonTales theme song running thru my brain.............


Thanks a million!

- Kimmy

Hi Albany,

I am glad you two are still getting along so well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nothing really knew. I haven't seen H since yesterday morning. He worked OT last night and I was at work while he was at home yesterday.

Gotta say I have dishes to put in the dishwasher everyday after I get home NOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I also have to make the darn bed--when it is just me I don't mess it up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh yah! Wouldn't want to forget the fact that I have men's under roo's to wash too--and the whole hamper overflowing thing will take some time getting use to again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Girl, if you ever get a chance to see Larry the Cable Guy's show on Comedy Central, do. He's got a whole thing he does about women's vs. men's chonies (undies). You'll LYAO!

- Kimmy

Hi Albany,

Doesn't it feel good to complain about the extra housework. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Albany,

Just wanted to drop a little note to see how you were doing. I am not in the best of moods but have decided to let the chips fall where they may and not push either way. i will try to be as nice as I can but that is so hard and I will not complain to H about anything anymore. I need ot take care of me. And just maybe he'll be there with me.

JT

Okay everyone I'm back. Was really busy over the 7/4 long weekend and then went camping on Tuesday and not back until late Thursday and then just catching up the last two days. Everything has been going well-H just about lives here.

Everyone else seems to be doing fairly well also--hello you all write a lot! Took me forever to catch up.

Something for you guys to ponder on and then get back to me on. Last two days H has acted a little odd-like he isn't quite right or happy--but i don't push the subject or ask. Last night he still seemed a bit down and I asked what was wrong. He said he isn't happy being back. He said it isn't me or our son. He went on to say he isn't happy alone. HE then went on to say that he is really trying to make it work and to be happy. He repeated the I'm tyring several times. I said well I don't everyone is happy everyday or all the time and he said I know. HE seems to struggle with happiness--it is almost like the unknown and the newness/lust of new relationship is all that makes him happy. I don't know what to think about this.

I mean he realizes it is him and that he isn't very happy anywhere yet he doesn't want it to be done between us. Why is he struggling with Happiness? Is it Guilt? I don't know what to say other than I'm scared and don't know what to do. Don't how to behave and how to continue if he is happy here.

So I'm gone for a week and then all I do is show up here all stressed out with a bunch of questions for you guys.

Maybe he needs a med change. I will tell you all again I'm SCARED <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Maybe I should suggest counseling.

What do you all think? AD? Needing all the help I can get--I have him this far I don't want to lose him now-I have worked to hard for that.

I thought about distanting myself from him again and telling him to stay some at his apt.

Hey Albany,

Glad u r back, sorry I am fresh out of any "words of wisdom" 4 u today. I am sure AD will be along to help u.

Don't know if I would suggest him staying away though, not sure if that would help the cause at this point.

Maybe just listen 2 him right now, not push not ask anything of him.

Sorry I know that was no help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hey Albany - Glad you are back.

Your H sounds so much like mine right now. Same words, similar actions. I don't know if I can help at all, but this is my "hypothesis".

I think our H's are having trouble dealing with the guilt and the reality at what they have done. They see their family and can't believe what they have done to jeopardize it. They may even feel that after what has happened, they don't deserve to have their happy little family back. I don't know - just my guess.

My advice - if he is at home, most definitely keep him there. I have wanted my H home for so long - do not push that man away again by telling him to go back to the apartment. Be supportive, loving, caring. Let him know that the past is in the past and that you love him. Its all about that unconditional love we have for these men - we love them faults and all. Tell him how happy you are that he is trying. Show him you want to rebuild your M into the best M ever.

Hope this helps. Hang in there - you will make it. You have been working so hard climbing this mountain of recovery - you are nearing the top - do not give up now and keep working harder than ever to show your H how much you love him and want him in your life.

All my love and prayers.

Thanks for the support you guys.

IT is always too good to be true it seems in my life.

My H decided to stay at his apt. tonight he informed me. I said oh why and he said I told you I'm not totally happy. I said okay let's talk about a few things.

He said everything about our lives is good and that he should stay but that he doesn't feel happy with me and he has no feeling for me really--he doesn't feel any attraction between us.

He wants everything we have but thinks something is missing with us and he isn't welling to have everything else and nothing between us (on his side of it towards me). He said he is still trying and he really doesn't know what would make him happy and he doesn't really know what is missing or making him unhappy. He does seem flustered with that. I asked if he ever discovered any of that in his IC sessions he had last fall/winter and he said no and before I could suggest it he said he needed to start that again.

I told him that I'm beginning to think that he will never be happy with me and our son or with life in general. I told him that he maybe shouldn't have ever gotten married or had a family because it doesn't seem to float his boat.

I also told him that before he started coming around again a few weeks ago that I had given up on him and him being happy and had quit trying and kind of just put faith in what would be would be.

I also went on to tell him that he should be glad we had our son because if we hadn't I wouldn't have gone through all this--I mean I love him to death but when I'm worn out it is the thougth of our family that ultimately keeps me from walking away--I told him that it is much easier to do when you don't have children involved--BBYG girl how you do it is beyond me.

I also told him what I once say someone tell about on this site--that they weren't in love with their spouse they thought but that they kept it together for their kinds and tried and tried and worked at making it work until it did-do it until go belive it and it works. I told him maybe he needed to pick one and do it untilhe made it work--I know he could pick to leave but for goodness sake he had better pick something and stick with it.

Also, I pointed out that when he doesn't live here he comes over all the time and then when he is living here it isn't what he wants--Hello!

I told him he had better figure it out soon because this is way too hard on our son who cries until he can hardly breath when when H leaves even if it is to run to the store and come right back--you see I have just about gotten him over that--that Daddy is coming back--he said he understood that and had seen it also.

I clearly told him I had half a mind to to send him on his way with all his clothes and stuff.

Yes, AD I did tell him that I knew one way to find out for sure what he wanted and I said that was A PLAN B--no contact even with our son--throught third party only and no him coming to our house to work on his projects.

You all might find this interesting--he said he likes to be a part of our lives and to be a part of something and to belong to a family rather than be alone and that he was tried of being a slug by himself and that when he was here he had more energy and was a living and a part of something.

Glad he left me on this know at 10:00pm the night before I go back to work after being off since the 7/2.

Told him my life is simplier without him--that I discovered that recently--less stress, only worry directly about son and myself--two loads of laundry a week, 1 dishwasher full of dishes and food is simple--we have own schedule and don't have to worry about someone else's--said now that you are here I have a load of laundry a day and a load of dishes a day and another child to pick up after but did I let that influence me or did I complain not because that comes with family life and a husband-I made sure he knew though that life is better with him here but yet in many ways it is more work for me and it didn't make me decide that he should go back to his apt.

Anyway--sorry to ramble and vent but I'm telling you right now this very instance he is lucky we have a son because I can't keep doing this and wouldn't go through all this personal pain I don't think just for me.

Talk to you all tomorrow and I will work on a positive thought for tomorrow. I have to process payroll in the morning so I won't probably respond to much until after that--I will read though so please keep alll the thoguths etc. coming.

i feel so guilty for being gone fromt he site while on vacation and then coming back for help and not being able to be very supportive for anyone else. Sorry-generally speaking I'm feeeling like a loser all the way around right now and damn it I was so close I thought and now I think it is gone again.

Dear albany~

First of all, WB, great to see you...missed you!

I'm sorry you didn't come back with better news, but don't for one minute feel bad for coming back from vacation seeking help. That's what this board is for, afterall! We're here for you albany, and we care about you. This road to recovery is very rocky.

Let me tell you what stuck out to me the most about your last 2 posts, and that was what you said about your little boy. It broke my heart to hear what he's going through. He's reacting to his father's inconsistency. He's not feeling secure. Your H needs to make a decision soon. His happiness be damned...what about his son's well being? arghhhh!!

Regarding your H's happiness...What strikes me, is that he's searching for happiness from outside, or external sources, rather than from internal. It's like he thinks other people and things MAKE him happy. Happiness in many ways is a choice. I'm not downplaying depression and all that, as I know first hand it's a very real thing. So in those terms, yes, I think he needs to be consistent w/ his ad's, and possibly look into another kind of meds.

There are lots of things in our lives to be unhappy about at one time or another, but there are also many things to be happy about. Most people aren't "happy" every day and every second of their lives, but there is such a thing as joy, a joy that is deep within our souls. If we have that joy, which IMO can only be derived from having a personal relationship with God...then even on a bad day, when we can't find anything to be "happy" about, we still have a deep, down joy...a peace about us. You know, as in the hymn...It is well with my soul...

If your H thinks his happiness is dependent on the people and the circumstances in his life, he will never acheive life long, sustaining happiness.

I have more to say, (what else is new), but for now I have to run. I'll try to continue later.

<small>[ July 12, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said everything about our lives is good and that he should stay but that he doesn't feel happy with me and he has no feeling for me really--he doesn't feel any attraction between us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My dh said the EXACT same thing to me in an attempt to make ME be the one to leave. It's a defensive thing they do when they have no idea what they want. They want US to be the ones to make all of the hard decisions for them. Nope. Unh-uh. HE MUST DO THIS HIMSELF. It hurts, I know. It still hurts me to remember when he said that - felt like all the air had been knocked out of me, and all the hanging on and hanging in I'd done was for nothing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, AD I did tell him that I knew one way to find out for sure what he wanted and I said that was A PLAN B--no contact even with our son--throught third party only and no him coming to our house to work on his projects.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he pushes you to that STICK TO YOUR GUNS! I told Nio the EXACT same thing...I also added that in the beginning, I wanted at least 2 weeks before he tried to contact the kids in order to give them time to settle down and get used to the idea that Daddy wasn't going to be around very much anymore. I ALSO said, I wanted very minimal contact between him and the kids period. I told him that I didn't think that he was a very good role model when he was with her (he was contemplating going to OW) - that she DID NOT encourage him to be the best person/father he could be and I didn't want the two of them to influence our children "that" way. It was only through this discussion did he begin to realize the extent of what his decisions would touch. (idiot-did I just write that out loud?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Told him my life is simplier without him--that I discovered that recently--less stress, only worry directly about son and myself--two loads of laundry a week, 1 dishwasher full of dishes and food is simple--we have own schedule and don't have to worry about someone else's--said now that you are here I have a load of laundry a day and a load of dishes a day and another child to pick up after but did I let that influence me or did I complain not because that comes with family life and a husband-I made sure he knew though that life is better with him here but yet in many ways it is more work for me and it didn't make me decide that he should go back to his apt </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also pointed out to Nio that my life would be simpler ALL AROUND if he left. Made him realize that he was taking the minivan and not the truck like he thought (pointed out HE was the one that was gonna have 6 kids - WTF would I need a minivan for - plus the payments on the truck are smaller - had visions of getting vanity plates "WUZHIZ" - still do sometimes). Also pointed out that he'd signed two "contracts" with me - one saying that he'd take on ALL the debt we'd incurred in our marriage, the other saying that I'd get half of the lawsuit we have pending with a cable co in SAT....totally long story there...so I am set...got the papers locked safely away in case a rainy day ever comes up again.

You're not rambling. You make PERFECT sense. If it comes to it - we're here to support you no matter what! I can pretty well confirm that those things he's saying are his own issues - and other than affecting the rest of your life, don't really have anything to do with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> You've got to let him fly if he wants to - but between you, me and the fencepost - if he does, he's gonna fall flat on his face and he know it and it scares the hell out of him. Our therapist told Nio the same EXACT thing - but these guys, they all think their special in that "it won't happen to them." Once they open their eyes and realize they aren't that unique - hell, it's not even a unique position he's in, that's when he'll start understanding what he really needs to do.

Love to you Albany!
- Kimmy

You are right AD--he has no inner peace, joy, or happiness--this I figured out and I think that is why he is still got this emptiness even though he was back.

What worries me is that he is not attracted to me he says or no real feelings of romance--it is as if he sees me as a business partner. Okay that truly is killing me but not as much as my son and the posiibility of him not having a true two parent family home.

He told me last night-I talked to him after I posted that he is thinking and trying and he truly wants to be home and with us but that it isn't really making him happy--but I don't think anything ever will until he dicovers inner happiness and peace with all that has happened.

Honestly right now I love him but I'm not physically in to him at this time--which I attribute to everything that has happened and feel that time will fix that.

Also, I honestly feel like and I'm very tempted to toss my hat in and call it quits why fight for someone who isn't even attracted to you or who has romantic feelings for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I don't think anything ever will until he dicovers inner happiness and peace with all that has happened.

Honestly right now I love him but I'm not physically in to him at this time--which I attribute to everything that has happened and feel that time will fix that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You just hit the nail on the head on that first statement. HE has to figure this out. You remember the post that mentions being a "welcome mat" as opposed to a "door mat"? YOU HAVE TO DO THAT. It's the hardest thing to have to sit back and watch - believe me. A suggestion, tho, while you're waiting for him to pull his head out of his [censored], please go on with your life! Do stuff with your baby - tell dh you're doing it, but don't invite him....or if you do, do it offhand like it doesn't matter a whit if he goes with you guys or not. If he thinks he's missing something (and he will be), he'll be more inclined to do more with you....

Of course you're not attracted to him right now. Nothing throws a wet blanket on a fire like someone waffling on stuff that is LIFE to you!

Can I ask? Didn't you mention he was on Anti-d's? They will throw a wet blanket on HIS fire - that is a side effect of them - no matter what kind they are (or what the ads profess). Anti-d's have a nasty little effect of dampering endorphins - all of 'em. And we all know that as women - a lot of OUR fire is in between our ears....who can turn off the "voice" that says he told us that we are unattractive...oy vey! So neither one of you is sexy to the other right now.......um....both of you need to see the whys/hows of that, right now and take it into some consideration.

Who's to blame you for seriously considering throwing in the towel? I don't. BTDT! It's your decision. Whatever you do decide, I'm behind you 110%!

- Kimmy

He is on AD's and I know that is alot of the sexual attraction/activity thing. For me the whole attraction/sex thing is just me holding back and trying see how it goes and trying to heal--I'm scared to put much out for the possibility of getting hurt. Some of it is honestly he isn't taking care of himself.