Ok this is your thread, can't leave yet!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We care too much, to see you leave.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hi Sunny,

Thanks for asking. I am hanging in there. I was going to respond to some of the last few posts on the other string today but I have been busy. I was on a field trip with my D this morning / afternoon.

He has been going over there for an hour or so each night. He said that he is not going to go tonight. I told him that made me happy that I have missed spending time with him. It has really been getting to me and I plan on talking to him again about this arrangement.

I know that this needs to stop and we need to come to a better arrangement. She is breast feeding but I also think she started to give the baby a bottle of breast milk. So, she could come to our house with a bottle. Espec. since it's only an hour or two. My plan is to let it go for another week or so till the baby gets a little bigger, then to see if we can't do it at our house. I want to talk to my H about that this weekend. I hope I can get him to agree. Even if he just approaches her with the idea right now and tells her that this is what we were thinking. That way she has time to get used to it.

It will be interesting to see how this weekend goes as he has plans to start building our deck, which will keep him busy all weekend.

On another note, this seems to be affecting me in my job. I can't seem to please anyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Luv,

Will post more later, I will keep praying H sees thru the fog, OW will most likely be a pill about this count on that.

If you are not yourself at work you are entitled, do the best you can, that is all you can do.

Take care.

Its got to be hard for you. I'm glad he's not going tonight. Maybe you should just enjoy tonight and not do anything to LB.? Just a thought. Have you sone the DNA, or talked to an attorney about visitations, CS, ect. Or is he just doing this on his own? I know in my state everything we give to the OW is a GIFT!! Not support until the test and papers for CS are filed. So maybe not tonight, but this weekend you can talk to him. Have you talked to an attorney about it ? He's busy like mine so I went to the attorney by myself to ask. I had to know how things will go ect. So maybe if you do get w/ the attorney or look up on internet to see CS laws in your state, you are doing what is best for family and H. Get as much info as you can. Then talk to him. Show him your concerned and want to do the right thing for all involved. But just fix dinner and enjoy tonight!!!! You deserve it. Unless he wants to talk about it. Just a thought.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But just fix dinner and enjoy tonight!!!! You deserve it. Unless he wants to talk about it. Just a thought. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luv,

Hope you saw that in time & are having a great nite, just spending time w/ H & loving each other.

Talk to you later.

Hi ladies,

I actually did not see the post before I left work. However, I did kind of do what you suggested.

I had to work late so H took care of dinner for the kids (Burger King!) LOL. Anyway, when I got home they were still out. I went to meet them at the store but by the time I got there they were finished so we just headed home. We just hung out outside together for awhile. After we put the kids to bed we both sat on the sofa and watched TV. I fell asleep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What a looser! He laughed at me, said you wanted to spend time with me, then you fall asleep. I apologized, told him that I still felt close to him falling asleep on his lap and that is the feeling I wanted. When we went to bed, he held me real tight. I felt very good.

Things seem ok for now. We need to talk this weekend about all of this. I am not sure we will come to any major conclusions but as long as we communicate and are on the road to making decisions, I will be happy.

Sunny, I am jsut like you, I need answers, don't want surprises. So I have spoken to my atty. a few times about V, CS, DNA, etc. I think I am fairly educated on that issue. The only thing I don't know is how much CS will be.
We have not done the DNA, which I wish would happen soon. How old does the baby have to be?

Geez, there was something else I wanted to say but for the life of my I can't remember. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> OLD AGE!

Hi Luv,

I am glad things are starting to get better. I wrote something for you under He is there now. It is just an idea.

Luv, see you needed a break. I'm glad you had a good evening for a change. Trust me you will have days that you throw your hands up and say forget it and others think Love this man soo much! So will H. Its the hardest thing you ever worked for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You can go to www.divorcenet.com and go to your state and find the C/S laws for your state. I found it to be most up to date info. Just remember there are times to talk about the OC and OW but don't do it after a glass of wine, get my drift. Don't do it when your angry. Don't do it when you have kids around. Don't do it when it's the first night in a month you and H had a chance to be alone. Just some ideas but you have to do what is right for you and yours.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Genia,
Thanks for you comments on the other post. I will speak to my C about OW.

I really like your idea </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> maybe if he could stay away from the baby for a week then she would become desparate and realize how hard it is too care for the baby by herself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that might make her more open to V at our house. Plus, I think maybe she will get naggy becuase she is used to him being there and will expect it. If she gets like that, it will make him mad and he will see what she is truly about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please tell your husband that you thought you could handle the visits at the other woman's house but that it is just too hard for you. Ask him to consider staying away from her for awhile so that you can have leverage as a couple. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like this idea too. I was hoping that he might be feeling the prssure and would back off on his own. That would be the best, for him to do it on his own. But, I am not sure that will happen so iI will have to approach it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell him that you really want to be a step mom to the child but in your own home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have told him that I want to be a step-mom and that I want to meet the baby soon. That I would like the opportunity to hold her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tell your husband if he cannot support you on this then you will have to continue your plans to move out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and if I do that I need to follow through.

JT2- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't stand your ground now, you may not be able to regain it later with your H. H may think that he can do just what he wants and you'll vry but in the end he believes taht you'll be there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you are right. I am trying to change that. I think he already think that no matter what, I will always be there. I am a push over in all aspects of my life, espec. my personal life. I want to PLEASE. I want to be the reasonable one. However, it get me no where. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he already think that no matter what, I will always be there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H & mine feel that way, that is why I keep telling you not to let anything get est. such as V in OW's home, if H & OW get used to that neither of them will want it to stop.

Plus if you let it continue it just enforces what you said already - your H will think you will put up w/ anything just to have him in the home w/ you. Nip this in the bud, do it at the right time & place, just as someone else suggested but don't let this go on, you will be sorry if you do, take it from someone who is living that hell right now.

Luv, Good morning ! how are we doing? Did you and H spend some time together this weekend? Hope things went good for you!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hi Luv,

I just want to say I am concerned for you. Hope things get more possitive. I keep you on my mind. My situation is getting better. I will discuss later in my update. Gotta get some work done at my job.

Sunny and Genia,

Thanks for checking in with me, I appreciate it. I posted an update to "He's There NOW." but I guess I should start posting my updates here.

We did have a nice week and weekend. He did not see the baby on Thu, Fri or Sun. Things fell apart a bit last night. You can read that on the other post if you want.

He refuses to see a MC with me, even when I said it was to help me deal with this. He says that he does not take stalk in any of them. That they all preach a bunch of rhetoric and people that see them are seeking someone to tell them what to do. He said that all they tell him is what he already knows. Yah, didn't you know that my H knows everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />


I honestly ask myself..why do I want this man? Why don't I walk away? His love and support is conditional. When it's there, it's nice but it's not there enough. Why can't I walk away and find someone who will cherish and love me?

Luv,

Your H sounds so much like mine it is truly scary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I too constantly here that it is not about OW, it is all about the baby, well you have to deal w/ OW on some level for the next 19 yrs. so OW will never not be an issue, the question is how much of an issue will she be & only H's can determine that to a certain extent.

I am so sorry that he can't see what this is doing to you, or is too selfish to see it. The less time he spends w/ OW & OC the more OW will be demanding, I remember OW in my life telling my H that the was putting me before this daughter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Well duh, the M does come first, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, if anyone would ever marry her sorry butt she would know that. It seems as if your in-laws are not supporting you, I have endured that from the beginning of this mess, my MIL wants me to - poof - be gone! It is so sickening that she has shown me no loyalty what so ever & has no plans to do so, sounds as if yours are already showing a loyalty to OW that just shouldn't happen, I am not saying that his parents should not love OC or want to have OC in their lives but to see OC at OW's house to me is very disrespectful to you, that was as bad as my MIL meeting OW while she was pg., & telling me that she cared for OW, & that OW's kids would probably call her grandma soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I honestly ask myself..why do I want this man? Why don't I walk away? His love and support is conditional. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I fell so bad for you, I really do, but you can't walk away because you love your H, because you have invested 13 yrs. into your M, and you have a family that you want to keep together even including OC into, what is wrong with these men, why can't they see the treasures they have in us??? I am praying your H sees thru the fog & really soon before it is too late.

Hi Luv,

I am so sorry. My in-laws are very supportive of me and do not accept the grandchild as long as it is with other woman. I really feel so bad for you. My situation is improveing because other woman ran away from home and her parents do not know where she is. She is doing crack now. My husband finally confided in me and I did not go off. I read your other post. I think your husband is right about the in-laws, you cannot control them and you should not let them get to you. Try hard not to love bust. The fact that your husband stayed away for three days is good. I think maybe you should praise your husband for staying away and tell him how good it made you feel. Tell your husband that you feel sad that his parents are not more supportive and that maybe you over-reacted. Give him positive support every time he does something right. I know it is hard. I am learning. I found with my husband that he is afraid of me and my reactions. We have to make it pleasant for them to be around us. It sounds like your husband is making progress since he told other woman that he had his own family. Luv I do not think it is all bad but you have gone through a lot of sress. I think you should take a day to yourself and just spoil yourself. Get your hair done, a facial, your nails done, or a massage. Go shopping and buy yourself some clothes. Charge it too your husband. Just a thought. I may be off target but I think there may be hope for you after all. It sounds to me like the newness of the baby will eventually wear off. Take a deep breath and be strong. It will get better. Be very careful not to lovebust. I see you as a strong woman to go through this. I do not want you to fall apart. Keep venting. This is the place. Take care of yourself.

BG,

I am sorry that our H's are so much alike. I hate to think there are two of them out there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You summed it up well...it does feel like they are being very disloyal to me. My H does not see that and neither do they.

Funny, my FIL preaches that family comes first. I guess that is only immediate family, it must not include in-law, including DIL. They have done and said many mean and hateful things to me in the past. Things that felt like a punch in the stomach.

They tout their faith and what good Catholics they are. They work at the church and give to the church but if you ask me they are so hypercritical. I don't think they understand the statment FORSAKING ALL OTHERS or WHAT GOD JOINS LET NO MAN SET ASUNDER. They do not know what it means to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. They cast stones and act like they are above all others. My H is just like my FIL, they both think they know everything and that every one else is wrong except them. I never saw it before but it has become clearer of the years, they are a dysfunctional family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> well you have to deal w/ OW on some level for the next 19 yrs. so OW will never not be an issue, the question is how much of an issue will she be & only H's can determine that to a certain extent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so right but they don't see that. My H does not think that it's his responsibility to see that OW does not become an issue in our lives or that he has the power to control how much of an issue. He just thinks it's me that needs to set it aside and move on. Sometimes I wish the shoe was on the other foot. I wish I was the one that had the A and got preg. Let's see how he would react. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so sorry that he can't see what this is doing to you, or is too selfish to see it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks. I think it's a little of both. He is very selfish but I also think his arrogance keeps him from seeing things for what they are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The less time he spends w/ OW & OC the more OW will be demanding, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know and I hope it happens soon. I want his eyes to open and for him to see what she is truly up to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that was as bad as my MIL meeting OW while she was pg., & telling me that she cared for OW, & that OW's kids would probably call her grandma soon. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did you keep from vomiting. That is a good kick in the stomach if I do say so myself. How mean and hurtful.

BG, when is OW due or did she have it already?

Sometimes I think they are scared of someone telling them they are wrong!! Most of them don't want to admit to it. Some of them maybe don't want to come out of the fog. They like it, WS are doing everything to keep them and so are the OW, she's having his child! So you know that get this "I love you so much" from both sides and I don't know a man yet that would not LOVE that!! The OW is thinking and hoping you will get tired of this crap and throw your hands up and leave. So they can say See I'm here for you!" I don't know anymore. I know the closer it gets to the time I've started stress again over what mind makes everything out to be horriable. So I started back on my daily meds. Havn't taken them for 2-3 weeks now. All of the games are really sooo not for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I feel so much for you and what you are going though. I can't think of what your mind is telling you, if its as bad as mine can get. ((((((LUV)))))))) I can send you a hug and tell you that what you are going through, we are here to listen and help when we can.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hey Sunny thanks.

I went on meds too. I think it has helped me a little. Lord only knows how I would be acting without them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think they are scared of someone telling them they are wrong!! Most of them don't want to admit to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would bet my last dollar on that. I know for a fact that my H does not want anyone to tell him he is wrong. If they do, he will deny it till the day he dies. He will also think that person is a stupid idiot. He like Steve Harley until Steve said he was wrong about being at the birth. I said it one, I will say it 100 times more. If God and Jesus themselves came down to tell my H he was wrong, he would tell them they are stupid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I really like that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> icon. Seems to fit almost everything these days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW is thinking and hoping you will get tired of this crap and throw your hands up and leave. So they can say See I'm here for you!" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I completely agree with this too. This is one reason I keep hanging on but like Lynn G said, it's cutting your nose off to spite your face. However, I guess it's my fighters instinct kicking in, I will be d*** to let her beat me. I would get more satisfaction seeing her with someone else and then me leaving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know that is stupid but it goes through my head.

My H says that she really does not say much when he is there. She goes about her own stuff. He said that Saturday was the most she said the entire time. I told him, I bet ten bucks if you don't go there for a week, she will start nagging you like crazy. He did not care for the comment but it's true.

Oh the fog is such a heavy thing. It lifed once the preg. was revealed but it set back in. I liked it better when my H hated the idea of this baby and hated OW for wanting to have it. He says that letting go of the anger has helped him. However, I think it has only caused other problems and that fog to set in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He says I can't control people. True. I can only control what I do for me and my life and I need to move my A$$ and start doing that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hi Luv,

I just want you to know I am so sorry that your husband is not more supportive of you and that he thinks he is right all the time. My husband is the same way on that too. I think he could have kept some of the in-laws comments to himself. Sometimes my husband tells me things I do not need to hear but does not tell me what I need to know. You do not need to hear negative stuff like that. I really do feel that he is trying in his own way. I know you are hurting so bad inside. Please do something special for yourself because you are special. It would also be nice if you and your husband could take a vacation and get away for a few days. Could you suggest this. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
PS: Part of the reason I stayed is that I do not want the other woman to win. I understand that one.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Now I know how the mormans got started! LOL these men! H made a commint this weekend about the OC being a boy and carring on the last name crap!!. Then he caught himself and he said he shouldn't have said it, that "I" (me) didn't want to hear that crap. I just didn't say anything. I just listen to him back paddling!. Well just the way I looked at him, should have been enough to kill him, but it didn't. Told him I was taking some stuff to the car and stayed gone for about 20-30 min. Just so I could cool off. Like I said I have been letting my mind wonder again and I see myself getting angry again, at him. Then of course he was "love you thing again.