Luv,

Sounds like H did some serious thinking or do you think he is telling you what you want to hear?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was thinking of giving it till Sept. right after school starts. If is the same I leave, if it's better I stay. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is good to have a plan w/ a deadline in mind, and you should be the one to set the deadline not H. Have you told him this or are you keeping it to yourself, I would think that would be best, no pressure for him, plus he won't put on an act if he thinks you are waiting forever. He will act as if he has all the time in the world to act right thinking you will be there no matter what.

I know how they reel you in w/ good behavior & you love him so it is easy to think of the good times & to think of what the future may hold for you two, so don't feel bad about that, it is part of the rollercoaster, just know when to get off.

Hi LUV,

I feel for you. I went through physical violence in a prior relationship. I think you are going through emotional abuse. My husband does the same thing to me. He says very painful stuff to me like your husband said. That he would not stop visitation for you or marriage. Is that correct? Anyhow. After husband says something painful to me, he just wants to forget he said it. Like it never happened and I should just think on the good things. That is why I say work on marriage. Hope your husband sees the light and stops visitation. But have your ducks in order. If things don't get better by your deadline. Meaning this roller coaster relationship. Then make your demands. He has two choices: to comply, or not to comply. If he does not comply, it is easier to leave during a heated argument than when things are going good.

LUV did you talk any about visitations, CS, what does OW expect him to do? Did you tell him you want to meet the child since your doing C? Just some questions you should ask before the last min. And before you give up apt. There needs to be some kind of agreement made between the two of you that YOU feel comfortable with. Doesn't matter what we think or how we would do it. You are not us and we are not you! But think about the arrangment first, don't just say yes because you don't want to make him mad. What meds are you taking? Make sure your children still get to see their father. And remember the OW is full of hormones right now and she may and may not agree to things so easy. So just keep tring and keep praying and do what you feel is right. But we don't want to feel like maybe you are blinded by your deep love for H that you miss some signs. Yes you deserve your H or anyone else to come to treat you w/ respect and love. You should be first and if you don't feel like you are then maybe you should look at the situation alittle closer from a distance. Sometimes we see better looking in. Than looking out. I'm sure the BS go though their fair share of the "FOG". And we are here for you to come to and I am not your judge, just your "posting friend" who does care and wants to see you get your life and or M back on track! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi LUV,

I just want to say this too. Do what your heart tells you to do. Think about this. Are you happy most of the time or do you find yourself sad most of the time. LUV, you do what makes you happy. Concern yourself with you, your children, and your husband.
(((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))

We do care about you! Boy, the roller coaster you are on is making me dizzy!! But it goes with the territory. Only you can determine what is best for you.

I would try to have another sane talk with him and tell him that it is the contact with ow and oc alone that are bothering you. That it is taking away from your children and that it is to hurtfull. That his taking off the ring, and saying those things are unacceptable. That him spending time alone with ow/oc is unacceptable. That him not putting your needs and wishes first is unnacceptable. Tell him he has until July to fix his behavior or your gone. HE does not get to give you ultimatums. He is the one who has done wrong. If he can't kiss your feet and work his way into the marriage, he is gone. Do NOT move your date back to September.

Unless he stops seeing the ow/oc alone you have gained little. The working around the house, etc and all is nice, everything else is fine you say, but then what about the pink elephant in the living room? You know, his visiting and playing happy family with ow/oc? Until he realizes that this is a mess and that you are hurting, he can paint and work on the house until the cows come home. Nothing has changed. He is putting oc above you and your children and that is unacceptable.

You do not have to fly off the handle here, say it with a calm and caring voice. But make damm sure he knows that this marriage, family and it's future depends upon how he makes you feel, how he works to save it, NOT how well you are able to bury your feelings and how much you are willing to put up with. The time has come, my dear. He has a decision to make. Either he is in this marriage or he isn't. If he is, then the contact alone with ow ends now. There is no room for sharing.

Take back control over your life. Quit letting him control who-what-when-where-why of your life. You gave an inch, he took a mile. Take it back and then some.

Being confused, loving one day, angry the next, etc is all common. You are not crazy, you are not the only one who has had these feelings. I remember being that way too and we had no contact. I had days where I would tell him to get a laywer. The difference for me was that he wanted nothing to do with ow/oc and really fought to keep her out of our family. Your husband is fighting to force you to accept this, and is doing very little to accept how you feel. You are confused for a reason.

But take care of yourself. I would get that child support in order anyway. He can say anything he wants, but his actions are speaking louder then the words.

We do care about you as you are so much better then he is, we all see it. We all want you to make the best choice for you. Not for him or ow or oc, only YOU. Then we want you to be happy and to thrive. So, you just keep writing away. We have been there, done that, seen that, felt that,etc.

Love ya.

Dear Luv

I hope my words weren't too harsh... I just want to run in there and protect you...

No matter what you decide...we will always listen....

I am putting you in my daily prayers...

I also understand what you are going through...

My husband...8 years ago had an affair...which resulted in an OC.

Today we have custody of him.

The only way this would work is that we had to do this together....as partners. Any decisions being made , we made together. You see Luv...that was the only way our marriage would survive...

Anyways, Luv I didn't want to overwhelm you..so I will stop there. But I have been thinking about you and your children. I am afraid for you. If your Husband is capable of that kind of level of cruelity. I am afraid the worse yet to come.
I have the feeling he has shown this kind of cruelity to you before this OW/OC came into the picture. Just my guess of course.

Please follow LynnG advice at least protect your children..at least get that CS in order. You have to know that if he stays with you..this oW will file for Child Support.

Lots of hugs being sent your way.

Wizard,

Would you mind sharing your story on a separate thread?

I think it would be very inspiring & insightful to those of us hoping to have contact with OC.

LUV,

You must think about you and your kids first. H is not doing this and is the least bit concerned about it because he knows that you are not going anywhere. As it stands he is RIGHT! You have allowed him to disrespect you to the fullest. You must stand your ground if not for you for your kids. They deserve better than what they are getting right now.

You must fight for them, H is not going to. You must do what you know to be right for your sanity and for theirs. Keep your plan and stick to it move out as soon as you can. H does not think that you are serious because you have allowed him to do what he wants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

i know it will be hard but so is staying in this mess!! If he won't change then you must!
I feel for the kids - none of you asked for this and he does not even care that you all are hurting!

Praying for you,
JT

Hello everyone.

Wizard,
I too would like to see your story, it may help.
And no, your words were not too harsh. Believe me, I think everything that you guys tell me. My head knows what to do but my heart won't let if. At least not now.

I went to see my medical doctor yesterday, the one that put me on the Welbutrin. Anyway, she was so very understanding. She said many of the things I have said. She does not know how I will be able to do it unless my H changes. Then she shared something personal with me, said she usually does not do this. Her H had an A that resulted in an OC. She of course felt the same way we all do when we find out. They do not have contact with OC for a number of reasons besides choice. Anyway, it was nice that she shared. You know, you look at these doctors as if they have a perfect life and are so educated. It was so kind of her to open herself up like that. She too thought that I am a very strong women and was impressed that I have not used the other meds more often.

When I came home my H asked me about my appt., knowing it was a follow-up to being placed on the Welbutrin. I said it went well, she thinks they are still not fully in my system. Then I said we talked for a long time. He asked what she said and I think a little light kind of went off. It was not a bright light but more like a nightlight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

At one point he said "why does everyone think your feelings need to come first, over mine, the babies and everyone else's?" or something to that effect. I said because that is how it needs to be in order for us to get past this, for me to heal. You are the one who did wrong and who asked for me to tak you back and forgive. If that is to happen then you need to show me by putting me first. You need to realize that you have put me/us in this situation and you should not expect everyone to deal with your mess and not be bothered by it, personally. You can't expect life to go on the same. It can't be that way, you have to show me that you are sorry for this pain and want to make it better so we can be happy together.

He did say that he does not like this situation at all. He does not want a baby in his life again. He does not want to change diapers and feed a child. He likes the age of our children and enjoys them. He does not want to take that step back. He does not want to bring that baby here and take away from them/us. He is feeling the stress. He said that he likes what we have built together and does not want to loose that. That he is happy with us and loves me. So, who knows.

I think he is a little confused. I looked at his face and I felt so bad for him. I told him again, this is why we need MC, to help guide us.

I think he feels obligated to be a father to this child. I think he feels bad that if he does not do what he thinks is right, this child will grow up without a father. I think that is hard for him to accept sicne he has the knowledge that she is alive. Did that make sense?

Got to get some work done. I will try to respond to your comments later today.
Thanks again everyone!

Luv, yes it is hard for everyone and I think if most ws saw a preveiw of their lives after the A they wouldn't do it at all. People screw up all of the time. Maybe hes not really sure of the C thing and doesn't want to bring the OC into your home until he is sure of C or NC. Don't know just a thought. Do your kids know? My H said the same thing about the feedings, diapers, and crap. Ours are older we come and go when we want. No bags to tote and HATES babies in his truck!! We have neice and nephews and that urks him to death. No more bottles in his truck. Yea right! Guess what? H said when OC gets here there will be a blanket back there and I said what about windows, and door panels? You cant bottle proof a car! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Hes so guffy. This ought to be fun to watch him learn how to take care of OC on his own. I will supervise, but hes doing all the good stuff! I'm thinking if we get visits during the week, then H can stay home w/OC and I will take mine out for dinner! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I'd have baby crap all over my walls and floors. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm praying for you and keep up the communication and prayers!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Sounds like he is slowly getting it. But, geesh, what a stupid questions about why your feelings should be more important. What a great answer you gave him!

You know, he sounds like he is doing what others think is right, not necessarily what he thinks is the best. Maybe you could tell him that you understand his being oc father, but that does not require him to be at ow house. I love how you told him that it is not other peoples responsiblity to clean up his mess and make him comfortable with all the mistakes he made. I hope that a got through to him.

Keep it up. Keep telling him what you tell us. He sounds like he loves you and your family. Sounds like you two are having some substantial dialog lately. Kudos! But don't let up. Keep him aware of just how much harm he has done to you, your children and your future. Let him know you are willing to work it out, but only if he is participating in the work. Part of that work is hard choices. He only has 24 hours a day. is he going to take from your children to give to the oc? How does he expect your children to accept that? Sounds like you are on the right path....dialog...dialog...talk....talk...talk. Then see if his actions match the words. This can work out you know. I bet he wishes he could walk away from ow/oc and never look back. Ask him if he could do anything he wanted, with no repercussions what would he do. Sounds like he isn't even being honest with himself.

Keep posting. We want you happy no matter what you choose as best for you.

You sound like you have a great doctor.

See, you have a web of support all around you. People care and want you happy.

Luv,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I went to see my medical doctor yesterday, the one that put me on the Welbutrin. Anyway, she was so very understanding. She said many of the things I have said. She does not know how I will be able to do it unless my H changes. Then she shared something personal with me, said she usually does not do this. Her H had an A that resulted in an OC. She of course felt the same way we all do when we find out. They do not have contact with OC for a number of reasons besides choice. Anyway, it was nice that she shared. You know, you look at these doctors as if they have a perfect life and are so educated. It was so kind of her to open herself up like that. She too thought that I am a very strong women and was impressed that I have not used the other meds more often. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

When I first saw my IC, who is also one of the pastors in my church, she told me that her 1st H had an A & OC while she was pg. w/ their 1st child. She is now re-married & said A & OC was not the reason why they divorced. I was blown away though. She thought it was great that I was willing to try to work things out. That must have been very encouraging to you.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At one point he said "why does everyone think your feelings need to come first, over mine, the babies and everyone else's?" or something to that effect. I </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here we go w/ the twin thing again, sure they are not brothers? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I heard the same crap from my H, "it is not all about you." You did
give him a good answer. Thank God he is talking to you, like Lynn said keep talking, that is the best thing you can do. If H is having 2nd thoughts about OC visiting your home, is he thinking about cutting contact period. Will he even be able to do that after having started it?

At any rate things sound a lot better for you & I am so happy for you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Keep praying, Keep talking!

The Wellbruitrin is pretty good. But it will also make you not want to eat and you have to eat to keep your health up! Glad H is talking and you getting to talk some sence in him! Keep up the good work w/not LBing! I will keep you in my prayers!
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />