I haven't posted much on this board but I defintely need some support.
We had our court hearing last Monday. H was given joint custody. But the judge let her have her request of just her and my H being the only ones at the first thorugh third visitation. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It turned out that the court laison was an old family friend of my H's family. She waved me over and told me," Don't you ever let that woman see you cry!!"
Straightened my butt up real quick. They let her use "their" surname as another middle name. Hello? We had no choice in this child's name. In fact, her name is awful. Now the poor thing has this HUGE name now.
Our child support was double of what we expected. We have been married 15 years and just bought our first home last month. I want to make sure the OC's needs are met but the amount is about a quarter of what my H and I bring home a month. I am so scared. I cry everyday about this situation.
I love this child already. My H raised my son from a previous relationship from the time he was 18 mos. old. So, in a way, I feel this is my way of repaying him. (not in a suck up way)
OC is gorgeous. Looks alot like her dad.
I guess what upsets me the most is OW's H sees her everyday. Yet, I am going to be an important part of her life too. But I don't get to meet her until Oct. Every visitation till then, I am ordered by the judge not to be there.
I hope I don't come off as a bitter BS. I have forgiven my H. I have tried to be good to the OW. All for the sake of the child.
But this has taken a tremendous toll on me. My mom doesn't call. My 3 sisters don't call to check up on me. I know I make women uncomfortable at work. I just feel so alone.

I'm here - I'm in a similar situation. We have contact with OC (both of them). My family also doesn't understand - my sister won't even speak to me. That hurts as much as the other betrayal sometimes.

I love the children, too. If you need ANYTHING - you can call me. At least you'll have someone who understands what you're going through. Just email me offline or whatever.

BTW: My new step-daughter has the MOST gorgeous eyes - and her little brother is a skinnier version of my youngest. How could I not fall in love with them?

- Kimmy, 36
DH - 33
M - 9 yrs
S - 14 yrs (previous M)
D - 7, almost 8
S - 4
OC, D - 1 yr
OC, S - 1 mo.

Thanks for your post. I have been crying on and off today. (reminder: must take meds) lol
It is going to be a loooong trip this weekend. My h is feeling especially guilty. He knows how hard it is going to be on me Sat. This also being Father's day weekend. blech
Do they have pm's on this board?

You know, hon, if you need to cry, then cry. Nobody here is gonna begrudge you that. I'm certainly not gonna tell you to buck up and get on with it. It's hard - and you know what? Sometimes a good cry is what we need to stregthen our resolve! The choices we've made to stick with our guys and make the best of all this - well, they weren't the easiest choices...and it's not gonna be easy for awhile - but you know what? You'll get to a point where the rewards from your choices begin to outweigh the hard parts...and they will. You continue to be the best human being you can be - and continue to love and be loved, and it WILL get better.

Big, huge hugs.

Ent. I know it will be hard for the first three visits but just think in oct you can make the OC apart of your family. So there is nothing you can do about the judge, fighting w/H will just make it worst. How long are the first three and where will they be? How are you an H doing in all of this? I'm sending you ((((((((((Hugs))))) and prayers, things do get better w. time and the visitations will pass quickly. Hang on girl!!! We are here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Entwife,

Your friend gave you a nugget of good advice. NEVER let her see you cry. "Never let 'em see ya sweat."
As long as you look like you are in control of yourself on the outside, no matter how you feel on the inside, then those on the outside will likely be more inclined to give you the respect you deserve.

You have come to a place where there are many that understand your pain and the feeling of being so alone. You aren't alone anymore.
We are here to offer our support and our shoulders to cry on if needed.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I make women uncomfortable at work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't mind, Why do you say that?
My mother has been very supportive of my decision to stay in my marriage.
My sister was very angry with me at first, but she is coming around.

Keep your chin up, entwife.
Keep posting.

Stacia

The visits are 2 hours at the police dept. H and I are getting along well. He listens and understands that is just what I need sometimes.
We have talked about trying for custody. But at 40, it is not exactly what I had in mind. My house is finally a "grown-up" house. New furniture and decorated without little ones in mind. But the Ow's H has DUI convictions, public intoxication arrests and probation revocations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
We should have had an attorney at the hearing. But the AG's office recommended against it. Live and learn. We filed an appeal as soon as we walked out of the courtroom.
As for making my female co-workers uncomfortable... We used to chat everyday. Now? Just about nothing.
If I had left my husband, I honestly think people would have been more supportive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I had left my husband, I honestly think people would have been more supportive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is strange isn't it, I know people in my life including family feel that way too. I will say a prayer for you & your family. How do your BC's feel about all this?

I love your signature line, I think God has me confused w/ someone else too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know what you mean about 40! I had my tubes tied at 35 so I wouldn't have to change diapers at 40! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> God has such a sense of humor! He showed me different I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> So never say never and nerver say I'm not going to ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If he wants you to guess what you will. So bring on the diapers. This time H will learn to change them! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I think people feel uncomfortable. They are afraid they will say something. I had a customer come in yesterday and started taking about his D being preg, then just stopped and looked at me? Whats up w/that. I just smiled and told him I was happy for him. So people kinda read off of you. So like the others said, chin up and head up, and smile. Your not the one getting fat! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And don't you know that misery loves company. So your a great woman, mother, wife for doing what you are doing and you should not be assamed.(sp) See ya going to lunch.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Our kids are great. Daughter is at soccer camp and even took her new sis's pic with her. My son is having more of a problem with it. He's mad at the woman and his dad. But he is getting better. He wants us to go for full custody.
The whole family worries about me. That seems to be my kids main concern. "is mom alright?"
I think my meds kicked in. Now just kind of "lalalalalala" LOL

The meds are great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your son is older and expected more from his dad. He was his role model and no one wants to think their parents have trouble and do wrong. I can see where he would be. Has H sat down and talked to him? He doesn't like see his mom hurting. But one good thing your son is a young man and has seen the hurt and anger of an A. SO maybe he will think about it one day when he is face to face w/it. Good luck
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I had left my husband, I honestly think people would have been more supportive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've got that one figured out. It's because people know how to handle it better. I mean, you hear about a cheater and the wife leaves them - but really, how often do you hear that the couple stays together...much less if there's a child involved.

I also believe with all my heart that people judge others on what they'd do in a particular situation, when in reality, nobody knows what they'd do unless put to the test. I would've never in a bazillion years thought that I'd stay with dh - but I did. In fact, I probably would've vehemently told you that you must be high if you'd think I'd stay for one minute....

Lastly - girls, we're living proof that nature, while she abhorrs a vacuum, the wench also abhorrs absolutes. Case in point, "that big ship'll absolutely never sink," "that big mountain is absolutely unclimbable," and my favorite, "I would positively, absolutely leave my dh if he EVER deigned to step out on me...."

Not one of our families, friends, neighbors - whatever has miniscule clue what they'd do in our shoes - no matter what they say. That was my biggest lesson - the biggest eye opener for me. I will never, EVER give advice on relationships - no matter what because I KNOW that the best thing I can do for my friends is only to be there and not pass judgement. I only wish there had been someone like me out there before I had to figure it out by myself.

Amen girl!!! I wouldn't want to be in anyone elses shoes. Mine my be tight but they fit me. And I know God gives me more credit on handling things than I do or ever thought I could. I'm glad he has so much faith in me, when most of the time I dont. Like I have said before. I am not my H judge or "C's" judge. But however I will be judged on the way I handled it and the way I acted. So there is no one that is worthy of me falling out of grace with my God. I may not be close to him all the time. I may even let the devil get in and talk to me for a while, but I will always turn to him to lead me where he wants me to go. I don't know what I would have done w/o my faith and its the only thing I 100% rely on these days.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D
Delighted to be me
Delighted to have Christ w/me
Delighted to fight for him
Delighted to have posting friends like ya'll

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My son is having more of a problem with it. He's mad at the woman and his dad. But he is getting bettter.

I think my meds kicked in. Now just kind of "lalalalalala" LOL--------------------
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My son was 19 too when this all came out & he has always supported my decision to stand for my M. He was very angry w/ H (step dad) for doing what he did to me, but has always held & played w/ the baby when he saw her. He is now 21 & has forgiven H but doesn't want him around anymore, even though he doesn't come out & say it.

The more I hear about these meds - they sound like a beautiful thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Nios you said a mouthful, I threatened to do the Lorrania Bobbett on my H if he ever cheated on me, guess my mouth got shut real quick! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Never say never. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I don't talk to anyone who has the know it all answers & those are usually the people who know NOTHING about dealing w/ a WS w/ an OC because if it hasn't happened to you, you know NOTHING!!!!

LOL Sunny D! I've a friend who said that I've already earned my halo and wings. I laughed at her and told her, "Just earned them? They've already sent me the order form for color and size (pink, btw, I want a pink halo)!"

I, too, had my tubes tied, but not because I didn't want any more kids, because my last baby was such a doozie! I had just about gotten past the fact that I wasn't gonna have more when the OW/OC bombshell was dropped. I mean, I'd bought nice furniture, figured that there'd be no more "masterpieces" painted in crayon directly on the hall walls....I'd wrapped my brain around the fact that I was finished in that dept, and could just relax after my youngest began school - oh and I had JUST potty trained my youngest (((snort))). Lemme tell you, it was a pisser! That the tart (pardon me - it's one of my endearments I call her) could give dh babies and I couldn't - oy vey! And that I know she did it on purpose...Did I ever mention that she named both the kids after dh? The little girl has a feminine form of his name plus she gave her my deceased mother-in-laws name for a middle name, having NEVER met my mother-in-law. She told dh that any woman that could have such a wonderful son deserves to be remembered (how's that for a mind [censored]?). The little boy has my dh's name for a middle name - nevermind the fact that my son is a III - she's such a piece of........work.......

But I digress - I didn't mean to hijack your thread Ent. Just wanted you to know that yep, BTDT, and I'll be thinking of you this weekend!

I've since come to the conclusion that God wasn't finished with my family. But boy howdy - what a way to make it happen!

If the AG said you didn't need an attorney, I would call and file a complaint. I would be really pissed at this.

1. If ow husband is around oc, no reason why you can't be. That is hypocritical.

2. No reason at all that ow and oc need to be alone with your husband. Simply unreasonable.

3. Your husband has just as much right to that child as the ow, and certainly more rights then the ow husband to that child.

FIGHT. Good lord, people expect the BW to sit back and take to much. Stand up, wipe your eyes and fight back. I am glad you filed an appeal. However, I would not even consider letting the H see the oc with ow around. Absolutely not. Why allow them to play happy family? WRONG WRONG WRONG. The judge was an idiot. FIGHT BACK. I would get the attorney and have him file a brief, immediately that the visitation without the step mother is unacceptable, that as long as ow H was around the oc, no reason whatsoever you can't be. THEN I would make it known to judge and ow attorney that you are looking into full custody. Not that you want it, or will follow through, but just to let her know that the law works both ways.

Remember, she is playing with the law here, and that ow had her kids taken away for manipulating and lying. No reason why your ow shouldn't play by the rules.

NEVER EVER EVER walk into a court without proper legal advice EVER. If you had a laywer there, you would not have ever had the 3 alone visits EVER. No attorney would have accepted that. FIGHT BACK.

Get a laywer and fight that "first three visits alone" RIGHT NOW. That is a load of crap.

Your friend was right. Stand tall, look her in the eye. Dismiss her with your eyes too. She is nothing and means nothing. Don't let nothing control your life. YOU control it.

Stay strong and go after what YOU want. Don't ever settle for what makes ow happy. FIGHT BACK.

Oh yes! I'm waiting to see what name she gives this child. I really don't care what she names it because I pick nick names anyway for all kids and I'm sure I'll have a good one for OC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I'm jut tired of waiting and God is tring to teach me to hold on a sit back but I'm kinda hyper. (Can you tell?) I just have this fear something is wrong w/it or what if it gets hurt at my house, just things any NORMAL mom or step mom would worry about. I would like to call her and see how she is doing, but that would lead to other confersations I don't care to have right now. Need to let meds kick in more. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Wanting to know the visitation sch. I don't think it will be much but maybe she will grow some kind of heart and brains by then and be adult about all of it. We shall see. Have a great night everyone !
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Entwife,

(I am responding to your initial post before I read the rest. IT just struck me, sorry if bad edict.)

To start: All I can say is WOW!! I am in awe. (Really)

Next, I want to both Commend and then Congratulate you on the Absolutely Awesomely Positive Attitude you are bringing to this situation. Although I know that you have to be hurting yourself, your just being so positive has to be doing wonders for everyone involved.

Then you ask if you are coming across as bitter. NO, No, no. Not in any sense. My gosh, your coming across as almost too understanding, & that is the part that has touched me. I would Expect someone in you situation to be angry and bitter, or at least resentful. IMO you are none of these. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

However, I am saddened that you are seemingly having to go this alone. Not fair & Not Right at all!

Can someone out there clue me in on this one? Why would anyone Want to make this even harder on you then it already is? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Let me get this: You are making the very Best that you can out of a horrible situation (from your point of view) and as a Help you are being abandoned or shunned?
What gives here?

You should be getting daily "Gold Stars" for acting the way you are. Nothing about this is easy and yet you are handling it better then 99% of the people out there.

As proud as I am of you and your actions I am sitting here shaking my head at the people in your life who are NOT supporting you. They need to realize that the decision has already been made. Them staying away will not change it.
All they are doing now is punishing YOU, the one person who has suffered enough, and who Right NOW Needs all the support she can get.

I feel so happy about your attitude .....................and yet I at the same time feel very saddened that you are almost being punished (by others not in your shoes) who I guess feel that by not supporting you are somehow making a statement?
Shame on them!!

You are a special person to be this open and understanding.
YOUR H needs to Cherish and Value you everyday!
I'll pray that the others in your life can see the error of their ways and come to accept your decisions.

Kindness and understanding in this amount should be recognized and emulated, NOT thought of as sending the wrong message.

YOU Deserve to be Supported for doing the Right thing!

I truly wish you continued success and happiness in your (certain at times to be tough) journey! Take care

Also keep coming here....you'll get plenty of support.

I couldn't wait to get home from work tonight to see if there were any more posts.
I feel so much better.
LynnG...We have an attorney now. And we are going to fight the visitation order.
Tonight my H stopped by my job. He had a copy of the visitation section of the court orders. Seems they are the standard visitation, NOT the modified one the judge ordered. I'm not sure exactly what all of this means to us on Saturday. But H called OW and said he expects to have his daughter on Father's Day. From 6 Friday to 6 Sunday.
I think H is finally realizing how manipulative OW really is. Also....a liar. She said she had the court order on Sat. No way. The district clerk hadn't even mailed them yet.
I felt great. Knowing she is at home scrambling to find a way to change things. I feel she is finally getting a "taste" of what I have been going through these past few weeks.
Maybe tomorrow the original judge's order will come through. But tonight....I will graciously accept the peace God has given me.

Hows everything in your world? Have we started the visitations yet?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D