</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> H is in jail for a DWI and will be for a long time. The last time I heard from him he told me he still loved me and wanted to still keep in touch but he was worried about OW because of the baby. Everything was fine until OW went to visit him by herself one day. His parents went with her because they didn't trust her, and were concerned about their grandchild. After that one visit I haven't heard from him since. I know she is using the child. Trust me this woman is a mean, vindictive gutter slut. WS won't believe it because of the fog. I'm not the only one he hasn't had contact with either. She is in control right now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">okay, I know my answer is going to sound cold and harsh... dont mean to...i am just a lurker and I have been following your situatin here. Others here have voiced concern for you as you really dont seem to be making much progress in dealing with your pain and anger ( which you are certainly entitled to..no doubt about that).
But WHY keep focusing on the OW?? This is not a "contest" if so what did she "win"? If she is married do you think now that she has had another mans baby that her home is a happy one? I doubt her husband is amused so her life can' all be a bed of roses. You can be angry at her all you want, but 50% of the anger and blame goes to your husband..who had a CHOICE in his actions and was not forced to do what he did. is this about winning and control over H? You really need to ask yourself that and if the answer is yes, IMHO YOU have won because OW may distract this A$$H*LE long enough to give YOU some time to really evaluate what you want in life and get out of this situation if that is whats best.
Anyway have you and H discussed counseling? Have you asked him what his plans are? You can't lead a camel to drink remember that.. so if he doesnt want to try to reconcile, you cannot force him so it may not be worth your energy to try anymore. I know many WS here work hard to repair their marriages, but it takes WORK on the side of BS AND WS to be successful. You have to BOTH want it to work... and forcing the WS if he doesnt want to do something is only going to push him away further.
You bring up the issue of "control" ... so if she is using their child to manipulate your husband... then do you think that is going to be a happy union? So if he "goes" to her then perhaps he is only doing what he feels is best for his child and probably wont be very happy in the long run. Their situation sounds like a recipe for disaster... esp if there are or were drug users together at some point.
What if......he's gonna get out of jail, try to live out some blissful fantasy with her, discover life is a living hell and then he will come crawling back to you begging you for forgiveness... would you take him back then if he were to do that to you? I hope you would tell him to kiss you were the sun don't shine is he does something so disrespectful to you.
You also keep bringing up the fact you lost your child and you feel your husband didnt care about your baby and only cares about his child with the other woman. let me just say, that for many men, the baby is not a reality to them while the woman is pregnant... they cant feel the baby kick inside them and the instant bond it brings about that mother's have. it is not until the baby is born into the world that they begin to bond with the child..in MOST cases. So in my opinion, in the case of a misscarriage, the loss may not affect the father in the same way as the mother because the baby was not yet a concrete reality to them... Just think.. if it were a reality then when OW was pregnant I doubt he would have stood by and allowed OW to abuse drugs while she was pregnant. But who knows.
Another thing, you keep referring to OC as some "[censored]'s baby" even asking the chances of it's survival if born preterm and hoping it would die... dont forget this is also your husband's baby.... if you work things out with him... how are you going to deal with the OC in your life? regardless of how you feel about OW, your husband will most likely want contact with his child as demonstrated by his actions so far. While I agree its okay to resent the idea that a child has resulted from his EMR, your hatred on an innocent child is misplaced. Your anger needs to be directed at the ones who betrayed you...not at an innocent child.
On another noe, and I dont mean to pry.. is there any reason you cannot ever have a child of your own? I somehow got the impression... but was not sure. Would you still want to have a baby with your husband even though he is in jail for the next 2 years? Anyway, if you dont get back with H... is there a reason you cannot have ababy in the future with someone else? With someone who loves you and treatsyou with respect?
YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER... perhaps it is just beginning....maybe God is tellingyou NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to get away from this person who has hurt you so deeply and maybe there is someone out there more worthy of your love... or maybe you need to take time to love yourself.
And I hate to be blunt, but look, he is gone for the next 2 years... do you want to sit and wait (possibly in vain) for him knowing there is a possibility that he may choose to be with the mother of his child? ( which seeing as she is married as well that seems like another mess all together).
If he hasnt contacted you in a month that is his choice... I doubt anyone can force him NOT to contact you anymore than you can tell him not to contact OW... so stop blaming other people for HIS decisions.
Take this time to live your life and begin anew instead of dwelling in this pain that your husband has created... he's not going anywhere... you know where to find him ...
i wish you the best of luck, i know how much it hurts to be in love with someone that is simply no good for you, and from my POV, this man has NOTHING to offer you but pain and heartache... especially if they have no desire to make any changes or to work on the relationship maybe its just time to let go? How many days in a row have you cried over what your husband has done to you? How can someone who claims to love you be so indifferent of your pain, of pain that HE caused you?
he is not worthy of your love.
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