Hi Luv,

You watch with OW gone he might just get Lovey-Duvy. Who knows! Be careful I know how mine will make me angry. I will run and then he reals me in with his sweetness. Urgh. I know how hard it is but you can do this Luv. You can do better and you do not need him. Keep telling yourself that.
{{{{{{{{{{Luv}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, LUV big hugs and that is commont hign for WH's to do--I really hope this isn't it but will support you either way.

LMF~

Some nerve of him to comment on your housekeeping. I'm not surprised. It fits in well with his other manipulative behavior, especially to refer to it as "...not let you destroy...", what a crock!

On the subject of housekeeping though, I guess I'm one of the boring ones, lol. I used to be more interesting, really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !! But, my H's neat-freakish ways rubbed off on me after a few years. Now I understand it's one of his EN's, and an LB if I were to be piggy. Same goes for him though too.

Well, enough on the housekeeping tangent. I did want you to know Luv, whatever happens, I'm here for ya girl. God knows you've endured more than most.

I wish you much peace this coming week, and always.

~ad

<small>[ July 30, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

AD-you better come chat with all someday on the chat board.

I'm with you on what you said about the housekeeping to H.

Oh I better, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I would love to sometime. Do you all usually do it in the evenings? Unless H is away on a BT, it's difficult for me to do at night, but I will try to pop in sooner or later. I've popped in a cpl. times during the day, but not much going on. kt, did you ever see my silly messages to you?

Speaking of housekeeping LB...AB reached up to china cabinet today, and broke my H's most cherished antique dish that was sitting on the serving part of the cabinet. H thought I was joking when I first told him on the phone, (neither of us thought he was tall enough yet to reach there, but he's pretty steady on his tippy-toes). I felt so awful, but I think we can replace it. Just takes a little scouting through shops and shows, but we enjoy doing that.

Back to you Luv, sorry...

Yes, evenings--and check on ebay for the plate also. Ad what about my H being crabby?

Sorry LUV to highjack

albany girl~

I have to get going soon, so I apologize in advance for my off the cuff assessment. I have actually been thinking about the SF and the crabbiness though.

First, I don't think your H wants just any piece. I do believe he wants you. Although it seems to you it's only for SF, (as sometimes it even seems like that to women in healthy M's), my gut tells me, as it has all along that he wants a H & W relationship with you. He just sucks at communication and relationships in general.

Please keep in mind, SF is usually in the top 3 ENs and quite often the #1 of most healthy, normal men. It doesn't give him the right to turn around and treat you badly. I just don't think he's connecting the two, you know?

He's got lots of issues. I really don't believe it's you, so don't blame yourself. Remember, you can't MAKE him happy. It's a choice only he can make. You have gone out of your way to create a welcoming, loving, and stress free home for him.

Do what the other ladies have suggested, and go about your business. Enjoy life...hopefully he will decide soon he wants to enjoy life with you, instead of being such a bummer.

One last thing, what about his meds? Taking them regularly? He has more ups and downs then about anyone I've heard of on here. I know it's a horse a piece with the affects they can have on SF, so maybe he needs to look into other meds?

Love ya al, bye...

~ad

ps. sorry luv, i should've put this on al's thread...such a hurry...

Thanks AD--i think we all have ups and downs but he doesn't know how to deal with them very well--I think he has really struggled ever since his brain tumor. Thanks! I know--I take things very personally!


Sorry LUV, didn't mean too thread hijack

NO worries ladies.

Back to the housekeeping thing. My house is not a pig stey. It is clean and for the most part neat. It does get out of hand sometimes but it's a very large house and it's difficult to keep up when working over 40 hrs a week. I pick up my kids and get dinner started, do most of other running around. I try my very hardest to keep the house in shape and everyone that comes to visit comments about how neat it is.

My neighbor down the street for example always says something. She is amazed how neat it looks with two kids. She has two kids too, works, etc. Her place is clean but if you go over there, they always have stuff on the counters, toys laying around,etc. It's a house with kids. I would even say our place is neater than theirs but I see nothing wrong with their place.

Now, we have another set of neighbors with one child and their home looks like a model home, nothing is out of place. I am no where close to that.

I think my H expects way too much. I want to meet that EN but I find it nearly impossible, given my work schedule. The neighbor I mentioned above thinks he expects way too much as well. It is very discouraging to try so hard and it never be enough. In order to do what he wants, I would never have a moment to myself or to rest.

LUV, how was your weekend? Hows your monday going? I've had to catch up on everyone. Inventory was a head ache and I NEVER work that much so I'm kinda tired. Just checking up on you.
GOOD MORNING!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Luv,

I feel for you. My husband always complains about my housekeeping. I work two jobs. He calls me lazy.

He also compares me to other women in a bad way. We were driveing down the road and he looked over at a woman driveing her car beside us. He said I wish your hair looked like that. I said her hair was probably wet and that was why it was so neat. He said, "It's not wet." I said, "I am tired of you compareing me to other women." He said, "I don't" I said, "You do."

Luv, does your husband do that to you. Compare you to other women. I am so tired of it. He always makes me feel like I am not pretty even though I know I am pretty. I forgot to bring my pictures to load. He thinks he looks better than me but he is not all that.

Sunny,
Thanks for asking. I hope you are done with that inventory soon.

I was just going to post something about my weekend. I will respond to you and maybe post a new one.

Weekend was fine. He started to talk to me on Saturday. Was nice. I took the kids to the sprinkler park with my friend so I was gone for about 5 hours. I made a very nice dinner and I was feeling friendly. I was just joking around, acting silly.

Sunday, we took the kids to some back to school shopping. It was another nice, light hearted day. My H worse my favorite cologne, so I knew he was trying to get my attention. He also made some very quiet comments about SF that I chose to pretend I did not hear.

This morning he was cold again. I asked why and he said nothing. I sent him an e-mail and asked what was up. This is the response I got.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi, I'm just not in a very good mood this morning. I don't know what to
say to explain it. I guess I am a little confused by all that is going
on and do not know what to think sometimes. I feel that I am getting
mixed messages from you or maybe I am just misinterpreting things, I
really don't know. I guess I really don't know where we stand, and it
is bothering me. Sorry if I was rude, it was not my intention. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My reponse was the most difficult thing I ever had to type.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you were really not rude but I knew something was up. Sorry if I sent mixed messages that was not my intentions. I enjoyed screwing around with you this weekend and I liked the fact that we could be nice to each other. As nice as that was and perhaps it softened me up a bit, I can't keep going on with my life the way it is. It hurts me too much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just responded with what do my last two sentences mean. How do I explain that unless he can see the pain and make the changes I need, it means divorce?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just responded with what do my last two sentences mean. How do I explain that unless he can see the pain and make the changes I need, it means divorce?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a tough one...
But one thing I would definately say is that you really shouldn't write it in an email. A conversation like that needs to be had face to face.
I know writing it might be easier, but it would be best done in person.
I know too, that your H has had a habit of getting upset or shutting down when you try to tell him things, but HE asked. If he wants to hear the answer, he has to be prepared to listen to your thoughts and feelings.

LUV, The ups and downs are crazy! They act one way say another and you are left to be going in cricles and the one who "couldn't handle it." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> No one knows what you should do. Do you think he will stop the contact? Do you really think he is willing to work at your M or should you just be happy w/ the pc of him you have when he's not over at the OW house. This is a hard thing. I havent gone there yet but we are getting close. 7 more weeks. I'm placing my marks in the sand. I'm so sorry for the pain of what you are going though. but remember WE are the only ones that can change OUR lives. Some times people have to be hit w/ bricks to get the message, but we all end up where God wants us to be. Don't ask yourself if you can LIVE w/ his actions, but ask him if he is going to stop hurting you? And his actions need to back it up. Didn't you say that the OW is out of town? And did he put his ring back on? Stick to what your heart tells you to do. Not what he, or anyone else tells you need to do. Praying for you !!! (((((((((LUV)))))))))))
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Hi Luv,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I was afraid that he would be nice with OW gone. Is OW back now that he is being rude. Maybe he took nice weekend to mean divorce is off but confused as to why you would want divorce and then change your mind without him makeing an agreement. You cannot threaten to divorce. Tell him what you expect, If he cannot comply just do what you got to do. I am so sorry Luv, I was afraid he was gonna pull you in with his niceness.

Sunny,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think he will stop the contact? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you really think he is willing to work at your M or should you just be happy w/ the pc of him you have when he's not over at the OW house. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, in his way he feels and thinks he is working on the M. He feels he has given so much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but remember WE are the only ones that can change OUR lives. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOu are right and I am finding out that I am going to have to make a drastic move in order to make a happy life for myself. It's just a shame, I really don't want it and I don't think he does either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ask yourself if you can LIVE w/ his actions, but ask him if he is going to stop hurting you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the reminder because I was starting to slip back into that "maybe I can live with it" mentality.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Didn't you say that the OW is out of town? And did he put his ring back on? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, OW is out of town till this weekend and no he has not put his ring back on.

It's always been my head telling me to leave, now my heart is coming in line with my head. I guess that should tell me something.

Had a brief phone conversation about the e-mail. I asked if we could talk and he said sure and then something about me and my demanding wants. At that point, I said "forget it, there is no hope for us." I am so stupid to think he would ever change.

LUV so sorry our men our pigs--look at mine-not until yesterday did he openly admit that he need some help and that is all about him.

LUV people do change. But they have to want to. And right now it just seems like he doesn't. He thinks he can have this family here and this one here. Like I said there are people that are mom/dad material and some aren't. You get what I am saying. He takes you and your C out and shows everyone "Look how good we look", "This is my family" kinda thing and w/ her its not that way. You cant be the only one who wants to make it work. And be showing it. I think, he thinks you will NOT leave. (Just like mine did) But I did and I showed him. I'm not afraid to be alone and I can make it on my own. And if I have to go back to that, then I know I can do it. I may not want to, but I became someone I didn't know and I didn't know or want to know him (my H) And I found that person who wants to be happy and wants to be loved, and I didn't have to be alone, I just chose to be. (I was M!until my D was final I wouldn't) But I know I am better now. Even if something happens to us (M&H) I am a stronger, better person from it all. I learned how to forgive (which I said I would never do) and I learned how to love again. H realized that he missed me and how much he wanted to be the other person he once was. But HE had to do that and want to be here. Not because of the kids or the houses, boats, all the toys, ect. And at first he was going back and forth between what the OW was saying and what I was saying I was going to do and the person I wanted to be. (We did some really bad crap to each other during the D) And I think that is the biggest thing that makes both of us more reserved about each other. We have seen the WORST of each other and it wasn't pretty. And now we are learning (still) to be the better person. That we both fell in love with. But don't leave out of anger, you are hurt and have every right to be. What and how he is doing is wrong. But he also knows like kids, ok if we ask mommy enough times she will say yes and we can go. He made the decision to go for visits and you said ok, cause why, you have a bigger heart than either of them. And he feels you are NOT going anywhere. Stand up for yourself and ask God for the strength, and he will lift you up and carry you if he has to. I hope all my babling has helped, and we are here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

SunnyD would you say that you guys fell out of love--I think my H and I have. You are right it takes both people to want to be better people--I have wanted to be better the whole time and my H hasn't ruly wanted to take a look at him and see that he is any part of the destruction. I think yesterday he realized he wanted to be a bettr person.

How did you guys begin reaching each other EN's--we don't anymore I think and differently not in the SF part of our lives.

When we got back together. I told him that what he wants to do and how he feels was important to me. We made a commitment to each other if its important to you, than its important to me. No matter how small or big. Like today just a phone call to say Hi, love you, miss you. And he called back just to tell me how lucky he was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Ok before I would have said, you have two cell phones and cant answer the phone? But I got to thinking I don't keep mine w/ me all the time, and I'm not doing anything wrong. He still has days where he has his pitty party thing and I just try and listen, and when I do get my belly full, I tell him to look around and see how lucky and blessed he has it. God has been good to us and he needs to be thankful. He is meeting my EN, phyical needs, everything. People have made comments about how affectionate we are in public. Well we have never been one to be all over each other and I still don't feel like he need to be all over each other in order to feel loved. He touches my hand, he winks, he smiles, and just the way he looks at me, tells me. And when we are alone? Well its all good there! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Our D is very active and is always somewhere and we are alone a good bit, and I think he is thinking about that now. He knows we cant just slip into the hot tub when there is a baby in the house. I just can't do that. I am over protective and think the minute I'm out of sight then something bad will happen. All will change in a few weeks when the OC gets here and he is feeling it. So I am here for him, as long as he does what he saids and shows me he is all into our M! And I AM FIRST !! So It takes time and yes it takes alot of reading you bible and praying. I am where the Lord wants me to be and I feel it. But I know if he wants me to be else where he will tell me and I will know.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D.