Hi Babygirl,

I think I will wait a bit longer while I keep my emotional distance and continue to prepare myself to kick him out. If he is not for real it will soon show. The baby is due in about a month anyhow. I am sure his loyalties will show soon as baby is born. Then I will have all the motive I need to do what I should do. But I would have liked to have been out before all the drama. I am really strapped for money right now which does not help. I called second job and offered to work as much as they can use me. I am not far in the hole. I will be straight in a couple months. Babygirl you hang in there and continue to take care of yourself and don't concern yourself with your husband. If he wants you bad enough he will come around.

To anybody who might need a Plan B letter, here is my final. It is a sample anybody can use if they choose.


Guideline for letter written by Chris CA123

1 I love you.
2 I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 I love you.

Kam6318 wrote a sample letter for me on General Questions II and I revised it.


Dear husband,

It is with the greatest pain that I sit here and write this letter to you. I feel devastated that our love for each other has become so cold. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I have made many mistakes in the last 3 years and while I cannot change them or take any of them back, I have learned from them. My deepest desire is for us to build a wonderful, lasting marriage together.
Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while you talk to OW on an almost daily basis.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished, and honored. However, I cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are involved with OW. It has become too painful.

When you are willing to completely and permanently end your relationship with OW other than pickup and drop-off of your daughter, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.
I would also like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister. We can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.
Until then, I would also like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister. We can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.
I love you WS,
ME

You tell him 7 times at different places throughout the letter that you hurt and will not have contact with him. This letter should not emphasize the fact that he is a wank.
In fact, it should emphasize that you love him and want to work it out. Use it to simply point out what you want and what you must do.

Use six paragraphs as follows. Expand upon each paragraph. Keep each paragraph to what it is. Don’t mix & match. The Plan B letter should flow nicely together and not just be a jumble of sentences.
It needs to express exactly what is and why you are doing it, without confusing him.

1 - I love you.
2 - I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 - You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 - You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 - We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 - I love you.

I put the paragraph number in front of your sentences. Regroup them.

3 - I feel devastated that our love for each other has become so cold. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

2 - I have made many mistakes in the last 3 years and while I cannot change them or take any of them back, I have learned from them.

5 - My deepest desire is for us to build a wonderful, lasting marriage together.

3 - Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while you talk to OW on an almost daily basis.

5 - I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished, and honored.

3 - However, I cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are involved with OW. It has become too painful.

3 - When you are willing to completely and permanently end your relationship with OW other than pickup and drop-off of your daughter, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.

4 - I would also like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister.

5 - We can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.

4 - Until then, I would also like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister.

5 - We can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong.

Excellent--Chris-CA--thanks for helping Genia nice to see you ol-timers around and we truly appreciate all your help.

Genia where are you and how are you? Just worried--usually hear from you on MB every day.

Hi Albany,

Thanks for your concern. I am OK. I had to leave early yesterday from work. Went to a meeting for my 10 year old son. He is in the gifted program. I then had a conversation with my husband. It lasted 2 and 1/2 hours. I got him to fill out the EN Questionaire. I next read to him about affairs. Before I could get too far, he told me I had to stop because he was bored to death. I then talked to him about contact w/OC. I said I would like to go with him, and he basically told me I could if I waited outside while he visited OW/w/OC in OW's house. Of course the conversation went into a lot of negotiating on my part, and him basically telling me to just let him handle it. I never raised my voice. He got angry. He raised the coffee table as if he were about to throw it at me. Then put it down and said we had to stop. I now know I have to find a way to get him out of my house.

He got angry. He raised the coffee table as if he were about to throw it at me. Then put it down and said we had to stop. I now know I have to find a way to get him out of my house.
Raising the table towards you is assault (as opposed to battery which is atually hitting you) and that would probably get you a restraining order if needed.

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks Cris,

I was not sure if that was enough. Thanks for your advise. I will go to the magistrate and see if that will fly in my county.

Genia~

Very worried for you. Please do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Please don't put it off.

Prayers,

~ad

Please Genia! How are you? Are you okay? Get him out! He needs to fix himself before you even think about fixing the marriage....please get him out....

...still reading!

Hugs,
Kimmy

Hi you all,

Thank you all. I know I am OK. He only threatens me when I talk about affair issues. I will not talk about these issues with him anymore. I do not want to put him out when my kids are around because he got ugly last time I tried to put him out. I plan to do it this weekend. Hopefully, Ex-husband will keep my kids. I so wish he would leave peacefully but I know he will not. I am counselling with somebody this thursday concerning this.

Glad to hear everything is okay now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you re-written your Plan B letter?

Hi,

Thanks for your concern. Been busy at work. I will get to it soon but situation is more complicated involving other issues and I am wondering now if there is hope for any future concerning us. I do still have a lot of feeling for him inspite of his abusive behavior towards me which I do not understand. I will rewrite letter as soon as I get a chance to see how it flows like that. Maybe others could use it when I finish if I can't. I am confused and hope the counselor tommorrow can help me sort through my feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">his abusive behavior towards me which I do not understand </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just a little reminder to put his behavior in perspective: His anger is a reflection of him not wanting to face the truth. His violence is because he can't control the anger. Both need to be addressed by HIM. He is punishing YOU for HIS behavior and it's intolerable!

I wish I could show up at your house, help you pack his [censored] and put the letter in it with you, then have Nio stand at your door in complete deputy regalia with his arms crossed and a mean look on his face.

- Kimmy

ROTFLMAO. I can just see it. I feel better already. I just loved him so much it hurts. He thinks everything is OK now because I am not talking about any issues. He will not know what hits him when I get him out of my house. My boys will be so happy because lately he has been getting loud with them. He hates that I post on this site. He thinks you all are putting ideas in my head and that I am just stupid and would take his crap if it weren't for you all. Of course I know he is full of it. I love posting because I need your support.

Chris,

How is this?


It is with the greatest pain that I sit here and write this letter to you.

I have made many mistakes in the last 3 years and while I cannot change them or take any of them back, I have learned from them.

The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it would be best for us not to have contact. I cannot continue to see or talk with you while you talk to OW on an almost daily basis. When you are willing to completely and permanently end your relationship with OW other than pickup and drop-off of your daughter, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.

Until then, I would like any communications between us to be handled through your step-mom or sister.


If you decide to reconcile, we can then discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong. I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible.

The Plan B letter should be first and foremost a love letter.

Make it 6 paragraphs as follows.
1 - I love you.
2 - I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 - You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 - You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 - We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 - I love you.

Expand on these paragraphs to at least a few lines each
Don’t make paragraph 3 the emphasis of the letter.

You don’t have #1. Write something about why you married him, what you saw in him and something you had together.

Expand this paragraph
I have made many mistakes such as? Give an example in the last 3 years and while I cannot change them or take any of them back, I have learned from them. what did you learn?

Changed this a bit
The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Since the day I discovered your affair, I have waited patiently for you to end your relationship with Other Woman. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. I'm afraid that my emotional connection to you is lessening and my love for you is slipping away. In order to protect the love that I feel for you, I believe it is be best for us not to have contact until you completely and permanently end your relationship with OW put a name if you know it. Until then, any communications between us will be handled through your step-mom or sister. I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together when you end your affair.

I do not want to stop you from seeing our daughter. You can pick up/drop off daughter at insert time & place here.

I know it is possible to get through this. We can discuss a plan to renew the love you and I both know was once so strong. I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. I want to be the one you turn to when you need anything. add a few more lines here

I love you.

Chris,

I am going to counseling. Gotta run. Daughter is not ours but soon to be birthed from OW. I will make changes when I come back. Plan to do this, this weekend. He will not be happy.

Chris,

Some changes you made are inaccurate. I will insert names later but cannot on internet. He does not consider himself still in affair. I am leaving him for two reasons. One because he is calling OW "Because of Baby" too much over a three month period in which I have confronted him concerning once a month and nothing has changed. He does not consider this as having an affair.
Also because when baby is born He wants to handle contact his way. I asked if I could ride with him to pickup baby. He stated If I want to sit in car while he went in and seen the baby for a half hour. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ August 19, 2004, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

I will insert names later but cannot on internet.
I was not expecting you to write the names here. Just don't write "OW". Put her name in the letter.

He does not consider himself still in affair.
Doesn't matter what he considers. It is up to you.

You need to expand the letter as suggested previously.