Well my plan B was working well and my said that she was on her way back but found out she is pregnant. Can you believe no protection and she is a nurse too. I told her that I could not stay married to her with that other man in the picture the rest of my life. I talked to him about adopting the child so I could save my marriage but he does not want to do that. My wife is full or remorse now and realizes what kind of man I really am and she said that she will regret loosing me the rest of her life.Is it possible to stay married with another man's child in the picture. Has anyone done this before. I told her she would also have to do alot of character work to find out why she goes through this cycle of self destruction and that she could not have any emotional connection with this man It would have to be only some guy she had a baby with. But I told her I do not think you are capable of doing this. And maybe in a couple of years maybe we could get back together because then it would be like marrying a woman who already had a child. For now I guess I will consider it over and move on and let her deal with this pile of dog poop she is in. Funny thing is, is that we still have this incredible bond between us and a good friendship. I know other would be revengeful but what would that accomplish we still have 2 children together. Need help
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Hi Swimming Alone,

Sorry you are here. It sounds like you two love each other. You are going through much the same issues as I am. My husband is expecting OC by OW. I think you have more of an upper-hand than I do. If you want your wife back, you could put your name on the BC I think. Others who know more will respond shortly. I would check into your court system and find out if you and your wife were to reconcile if you could keep OM out of the picture. If you choose to divorce your wife I can understand because my husband wants contact with OC. I told him that I am not sure if I can handle it emotionally for him to pickup OC at OW's house when OW is 170 miles away. He says I should just trust him. Well that is kinda hard.

SA,

Don't call it quits so soon - you have a lot of talking and research to do. I think in most states I know in mine if a woman is M at the time she has a child her Husband is considered to be the father. You will legally be the father of this child - you sign the Birth Certificate and the baby gets your last name and the whole ball of wax. The only the OM could stake a claim to this child would be to go through a lot of court battles. He would have to prove paternity and so on. I don't think there is anyone who would really wnat to go through all of this just to say hey I did it - That's my kid.

I think he might just be waiting for you to bow out of the picture. Plus it would depend on how strong you and your wife are at the time. She must be willing to back you 100% on this. She can not waiver. So you have a lot of talking to do. Don't just throw it all away and the two of you have kids involved.

On some level that is probably what your wife wants to do at this point because it is much easier than working through this mess. YOU NEED TO TALK THIS THROUGH BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY MOVES YOU MIGHT REGRET!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just a thought,

JT

swimming,
It is possible but he has to want it. She has to respect your desire not to have OM in you life if that is what you want. Does OM want anything to do with child? If not, that could help you.

There are many here that can give you good advice. I am not really one of them but I can encourage you and be here if you need to vent.

Hello Swimming Alone,
Being here on this website I can honelstly say you are no longer swimming alone. I am raising twins that were concieved from my wifes affair. They are now 5 years old, and despite the challenges a joy to me. There are some very wise and people on this board and thier experiences and advise, along with incorperating some of Dr. Harleys principles as outlined in this site, saved my marriage and kept my family intact to date.

I hope the infamous "K" will chime in and offer his advice. For me, I have read and read from this site, literally years. Utilized others expereinces, and combined them with the principles set forth and modified them to apply to my situation.
I cannot say that all is totally rosy for my personal situation as there are many extenuating circumstances that have been going on for a while, but it is possible to raise an OM child.

I do not post often, but I want you realize that there is hope in this time of dispair. Feel free to ask me any questions (and I am sure your head is overflowing with them lately) that concern you, and I will be glad to let you know what I did.

Is the OM and your WW relationship still ongoing? What are your immediate plans? I do suggest not making any life altering decisions based on your emotions. I took allot of time before I decided what I was going to do.

I am sorry for you having to experience this. If I can help please let me know and I WILL respond.
"I understand you pain and anguish"
HO

Swimming,

I always hate to welcome new people, especially to this section of the forums! I was the WW who got P by xMM/OM. That was 4 yrs ago, and we have had absolutely no contact with the xom. Our story is long and complicated, especailly right after D-day(s), but suffice it to say, we are still M'd, and still love eachother dearly!

Our Abbi is an awesome little girl! The hardest time my H had was during the P, and a couple days after Abbi was born, but shortly after we came home from the hospital, she wrapped herself around his heart, and it will be that way forever! We've never had a DNA test done, and we never will. In our eyes, she is OUR child, and nothing can change that.

You need to work the MB principles, get a NC letter written, and the om can just wait to hear when the baby is born! There is NO need for om to be involved until then. If he claims he needs to be there to support the child, well, the child isn't born yet, and the support given is for your W, and YOU will be doing that(thank you very much!). Then, he can wait for the DNA test before he gets any further involved with the OC(NOT YOUR W).

I would say to find out what you can do, legally, make a plan, and stick to it. Of course, this is also along with your W's co-operation. Don't give up, as it is survivable, just a very rocky road at this time. I would see if your W is still willing to come back, or is she thinking it's definately over? Is there anything YOU can do to help her come back home? Continue to work on saving your M, and worry about the P/OC a little later(did she JUST find out about the P?) and if you can rebuild that foundation, and stand united together, you can deal with the OC/OM situation when the time comes.

First and foremost, if you still want your M, then fight for it! Don't just sit back and let om and your W(who at this moment is probably wishing that she were dead instead of putting you and your kids through this mess) call the shots on this situation. You are still a part of this M, and until there is a D finalized, you will continue to be a part of it!

Just a little light on this situation from the WW's side, and how she very well could be feeling, I know how guilty I felt, and felt that my death would be a better thing for my H to go through than my having the xom's child! The guilt is SO heavy, that you feel there is NOTHING you can do to make it better! I can't tell you how many times I would contemplate suicide or just disapearring, and feeling that it would be better for everyone involved! I don't think there is any way to describe the guilt that the WS feels, especially if they are out of that fog state! I would look at myself in the mirror, and not even recognize who was looking back at me! It took a while before I was able to see myself in the mirror again!

I don't know your whole story, just what I've read this morning, but if your W is out of the fog stage, and was ready to come home, I would encourage her to do so. That way, you could have her in the home to work together on the M. Get that foundation rebuilt, and then deal with everything else, together, when the time comes!

I hope that I have helped in some way. I am more than willing to answer questions. Don't hesitate to ask. If I think it's too personal, I'll let you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Good luck, and if you can, maybe get your W to at least read here, if not post as well.

Tigger

I will post a quick reply--you are not alone and have came to the right place.

It can work and has for many people--WW and WH.

I will share one bit of info. that I have learned while reading on this site. This child will automatically be considered ours and your wife's if you were married durign conception. You don't have to adopt it is your in the eyes of the court unless OM contest and wants to take it to court and establish paternity.

Just wanted to share the knowledge with you and welcome you. I'm sure you will get more responses from some of the WWs that lurk and post here--they made it and H's have loved the children just like there own. Good LUCK--keep us posted.

she is still going over to his house she says that she wants to see what it is about him. she has feelings for him but loves me very much. if the child will be in my name and the guy has to take me to court my wife will fight against that and probable take the child to see him against my wishes because the child is his plus she is x high school buddies with his brother and sister in law-- she also has been knowing this guy since she was a teenager

swimming alone,

Welcome to the pool. My wife got pregnant through an affair over six years ago. This was our 3rd child. The pregnancy precipitated the end of the affair, and she and the OM split on very bad terms (he knew about the pregnancy).

The answer is that yes, you may be able to get a better marriage out of this than you had before. It won't be easy on you or your wife, but I would strongly suggest that you give it a try---for yourself, for your wife, and for your children. The website is a good source of information on the MB material (well, the forum will give you lots of advice... some off target)---but I highly suggest that you get professional help with either the Harley's through phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments), or with a MB certified coach specializing in infidelity (Penny Tupy, at SYMC). I coached with Steve for nearly a year, and I found his help invaluable. I can also vouch for his sister, Jennifer Harley-Chalmers. They do the MB phone counseling.

That's my main message to you---get the pros and let them help you work out a plan. I'd be happy to outline several paths that you could take, but I rather have you say "I'll go call Steve or Jenn or Penny" and listen to them. At this point, your wife can still be fully involved in the affair---you still have many things that you can do to effect a positive outcome in your marriage.

Don't wait...

Swimming,

As stated before, you’re not alone here. FWW and I are going through the same as you right now. She goes by "robel" on this board. We are 10 weeks PG now and recovering in our M ok. You can follow the link in my signature line to read more of my story.

I would encourage you to fight to keep your family in tact. She has to end contact with OM for starters. Keep reading here for similar stories to help give you “advanced 20/20 hindsight”

I’m about a month out from my D-Day. The first few days and weeks weren’t fun for me, and I’m afraid there is more un-fun stuff to come. My job is to care for this family whatever form it takes, so with faith, I’ll press on.

Let me know if I can share whatever so you know you’re not the only one going through this.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Painter ]</small>

Swimming

I feel for you in this situation. I am a former WW and have 2 children from my affair. H is considered the legal father to both children. There is a law out there, a child that is conceived and born in a marriage is automatically considered the H. Unless YOU contest paternity, this child will be considered yours. OM can get a dna testm but it will do him no good. My Xmm brought me to court to get rights to our daughter and he lost due to this law, my H was by my side the whole time.

Good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
<strong> OM can get a dna testm but it will do him no good. My Xmm brought me to court to get rights to our daughter and he lost due to this law, my H was by my side the whole time.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">On the other hand, if something were to happen in your life to where you needed help to support your daughter, that same DNA test could be used to force the OM to pay child support. Don't believe me, check the laws in your state.
Michael

thanks i will do that--so does this mean the child is legally mine--even if proven with a DNA test

I would check w/ the laws in your state. You can call child services and find out or find an attorney in you area and ask them. Just to make sure. Good luck swimming and I'm sorry you had to join us here, but we are glad to help you and be here for you.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Swimming,

So sorry you're going through this mess!

Be aware though, that in most, if not all states, if your W were to try to go after child support from xOM, he would then have to be declared the legal father and you would be stripped of your parental rights. I'm not aware of any state in which you can remain the legal father on paper and still collect CS from xOM.

Also, check with your state as to how long you have to establish xOMs paternity. Michael suggested you might want to collect CS somewhere down the road, but in many states after a period of time (moste states it's two to five years)you are automatically the legal father no matter what DNA says. So even if you and W were to divorce down the road, and you were not the bio dad, YOU would be held liable for CS....

Lots to check out and take into account when making decisions!
Good Luck!!!

swimming alone:

Paternity laws vary state by state. In most states, children that are born in a marriage are considered the father's child. This can be contested: by your wife, by yourself, and sometimes by an interested 3rd party (OM). If you were looking for child support from the OM, you would need to take a DNA test to establish that you were not the father, and then the OM would need to take a test to prove that he was the father.

Crazymum paints an interesting scenario that is not typical. In most states, an OM can sue for establishing himself as the father. Very few do so, because it pretty much guarantees that they're on the hook for CS and that they will only be a part-time parent to the child. The window of opportunity for doing so closes with time (in many states); if the OM doesn't contest paternity within a couple years, then they are unlikely to have any shot whatsoever (but this can vary between states).

Because you already have two children with your wife, I would suggest that the best course of action for you is to make those calls I was bugging you about and work on your marriage. If the two of you didn't have any children together and your wife was firmly in the affair---the advice I'd have is to go to a plan B separation and prepare for divorce---you don't need the responsibility of child support in that kind of shaky marriage situation. But you're already on the hook for child support now (with your two), and a third isn't going to add much. If you want your marriage---your best bet is to work on a Plan that will give you the best chance to recover it.

Call the pros, if you haven't already.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by meNtheboyz:
<strong> Michael suggested you might want to collect CS somewhere down the road, but in many states after a period of time (moste states it's two to five years)you are automatically the legal father no matter what DNA says. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never said she would try to collect from OM. I was simply pointing out that even in states where the H is the legal father, if/when the legal father becomes unable to provide, you can seek child support from the biological father. In other words, the laws are set up to exclude on OM, for example, as long as the H can provide for the child. But if down the road the H cannot provide, the same state will in fact go back after the biological father if the mother decides to pursue it. Laws regarding paternity are very archaic, and in most states need to be revised to todays realities.
Michael

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But if down the road the H cannot provide, the same state will in fact go back after the biological father if the mother decides to pursue it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Hmm. I've never heard of that. Of course, I'm not a lawyer or anything...

Check with a lawyer. I'm in MI. When Xmm brought me to court, he had a noterized paper with my signature stating he was the father. Did him no good. I won based on a case that was brought to the supreme court. In that case the OM had a dna test proving to be the father and he lost based on the child being conceived/born in a marriage. Plus I think it helps that the H ins't fighting anything.

As for child support, what my lawyer told me, the only way for me to get child support from Xmm, my H has to sign off his rights and Xmm would have to adopt them. Xmm also did research and got the same info. But like I said, this is how it is in MI. H doesn't want anything from Xmm and fincially it would help.

There is really only one fair way to handle things like this. First, if a woman is married, she should be required, by law, to tell the husband if there is another possible father, and if so, notify the other possible father. Its not fair to stick a man with fatherhood if he does not want it and in fact is not the father. Conversly, it is not fair to deny a man fatherhood if he is the father and does want to be a part of the childs life.
Michael

<small>[ August 13, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>